Blob

by David Walliams

  Copyright

  First published in Great Britain by

  HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2017

  HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of

  HarperCollins Publishers Ltd,

  HarperCollins Publishers

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  The HarperCollins website address is:

  www.harpercollins.co.uk

  Text copyright © David Walliams 2017

  Illustrations copyright © Tony Ross 2017

  Cover design copyright © HarperCollinsPublishers 2017

  Cover lettering of author’s name copyright © Quentin Blake 2010

  David Walliams and Tony Ross assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work.

  A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

  Source ISBN: 9780008221539

  Ebook Edition © 2017 ISBN: 9780008235536

  Version: 2017-02-06

  This book has been specially written and published to celebrate 20 years of World Book Day. For further information, visit www.worldbookday.com

  World Book Day in the UK and Ireland is made possible by generous sponsorship from National Book Tokens, participating publishers, authors, illustrators and booksellers. Booksellers who accept the £1fn1 World Book Day Book Token bear the full cost of redeeming it.

  World Book Day, World Book Night and Quick Reads are annual initiatives designed to encourage everyone in the UK and Ireland — whatever your age — to read more and discover the joy of books and reading for pleasure.

  World Book Night is a celebration of books and reading for adults and teens on 23 April, which sees book gifting and celebrations in thousands of communities around the country: www.worldbooknight.org

  Quick Reads provides brilliant short new books by bestselling authors to engage adults in reading: www.quickreads.org.uk

  For Stella and Bea

  with lots of love

  David

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Introduction by Raj

  Would you like to meet the characters in the story?

  Chapter One: Funny Face

  Chapter Two: Laugh or Shriek

  Chapter Three: Lurk in the Murk

  Chapter Four: A Brussels Sprout Up Each Nostril

  Chapter Five: Snort

  Chapter Six: Wiggle Your Bottom

  Chapter Seven: Honking Hooter

  Chapter Eight: Slap-Bang

  Chapter Nine: An Elephant Ate it

  Chapter Ten: Pigtastic

  Chapter Eleven: Mucky Bottoms

  Chapter Twelve: Attack of the Noses

  Chapter Thirteen: A Dropped Blancmange

  Chapter Fourteen: Licked Back to Life

  Chapter Fifteen: A Splendid Day Out

  Epilogue

  Footnotes

  Glossary

  Previously written by David Walliams

  About the Publisher

  Would you like to meet the characters in the story?

  Bob is a ten-year-old boy who lives in a tiny flat with his grandpa. Bob has been told he has a funny face.

  This is Grandpa. He has been told he has a funny face too. The old man loves his grandson very much, and all he wants is for Bob to be happy. Grandpa is very poor and wishes he had more money to treat his grandson to nice things, like days out together.

  Stubbs goes to the same school as Bob. He is a surprisingly short bully.

  Stubbs’s gang has two other members, Gaz and Baz. It doesn’t matter who is who, as they are so thick even they don’t know.

  Miss Veer is the harassed headmistress at Grottington School, where Bob is a pupil.

  Winston is the kindly old zookeeper at the local zoo. He has worked there all his life and thinks of the animals as his friends. They think of him as their friend too as he feeds them, cleans them, and even clears up their droppings.

  Sir Basil Basildon is the incredibly grand owner of the zoo. He always wears a safari suit with a cravat.

  Sir Basil’s Zoo is home to animals of all shapes and sizes. There are many you might expect to see. Some of the most popular animals are:

  The panda.

  The elephant.

  The tiger.

  The zebra.

  And of course, the penguins.

  But there are also many animals at Sir Basil’s Zoo that you might not expect to see. This story is about one such animal. It’s a fish with a funny face, called a blobfish.

  This is a map of the zoo, so you can see where all the animals live:

  Let’s begin the story …

  Bob had a funny face. At least, that was what some of the other children at his school told him. Sometimes they used more hurtful words than “funny”. Sometimes they called Bob “Blob”.

  Bob was born with his funny face. He had lived with it for all of his ten years. In fact, he came from a family of funny faces. His grandpa, who he lived with in the old man’s tiny flat, had a funny face too. You could trace the funny faces back for generations.

  The boy knew his funny face made him stand out at school, and often it made him feel shy.

  Grandpa would tell his grandson, “Be proud of your funny face, young Bob. You come from a very long line of funny faces.”

  But Bob didn’t like it one bit. Sometimes he thought having a funny face was the worst thing in the world.

  The boy’s favourite place was the local zoo. Grandpa would take his beloved grandson there every year as a special treat on Bob’s birthday. Together they would marvel at all the animals, and Grandpa would make up funny stories about how they got to look the way they did.

  “The elephant has a trunk so she can tap other animals on the shoulder when she’s lost and needs to ask for directions.”

  “The giraffe has a long neck as she’s very nosy and likes to look over garden walls.”

  “The orang-utan grows his hair long because he’s a big fan of rock music and likes to headbang.”

  “The zebra is black and white because he can’t make decisions and didn’t know what colour he wanted to be.”

  “Penguins are birds who can’t fly themselves as they prefer to travel by aeroplane so they can enjoy the in-flight meal.”

  The zoo was full of animals with funny faces just like Bob’s, so he always felt at home there. His grandpa had long been retired, and barely had enough money to put food on the table, so the pair could only afford to visit the zoo once a year.

  This year, however, when Grandpa emptied his piggy bank, it was bad news.

  “I’m sorry, Bob,” said the old man, as he looked at the three tiny copper coins and one chipped button on the table. “I won’t be able to take you to the zoo this year for your birthday.”

  Bob hid his disappointment. He didn’t want to see his grandpa sad. “That’s OK. We can always go next year.”

  “Yes. There’s always next year,” replied the old man, as he avoided the boy’s gaze.

  Bob loved his grandpa, but life could be hard because they had no money. All Bob’s clothes were a size too small, and his shoes were falling apart.

  So on the day of his eleventh birthd
ay, Bob took a detour on his walk home from school, and headed to the zoo. There was a tall tree overlooking the grounds, and Bob climbed it. That way at least he could see his animal friends on his birthday, even from a distance. The boy clung tightly to a branch, and took in the view. He could see all the animals from up there.

  Looking down, Bob daydreamed he was piloting a propeller plane flying over the African savanna on a safari. In his dream, he was swooping over herds of magnificent beasts …

  “Oi!” came a voice.

  It broke the spell cast by the daydream.

  “OI!”

  Bob looked down. A zookeeper was shouting up at him from the camel’s enclosure, bucket and shovel in hand. The old man was standing next to a huge pile of steaming camel dung. The smell snaked up Bob’s nostrils, and he steadied himself on the branch of the tree.

  “Oi! What are you doing up there, boy?” shouted the zookeeper.

  “I fell,” lied the boy.

  The old man laughed heartily. “Ha! Ha! Ha! You can’t fall up a tree! Now come on, boy, what are you really doing up there?”

  “Nothing,” replied Bob. The boy didn’t want to get into trouble for stealing a free look at the animals. He wasn’t sure if that was a crime or not, but Bob hated getting into trouble.

  “You’re all the way up a great tall tree, boy!” said the man. “You must be doing something!”

  “It’s my birthday today. And I always come to the zoo on my birthday.”

  “Happy birthday!” said the zookeeper.

  “Thank you. But this year Grandpa couldn’t afford to take me, and I really, really, really wanted to see the animals. I love animals …”

  “So do I! Come on down, boy!” said the zookeeper. “I can let you in for free.”

  “Are you sure?” Bob’s eyes widened with excitement.

  “Yes! Especially as it’s your birthday!”

  Bob shimmied down the tree. By the time he’d reached the ground, the keeper had appeared at the back gate of the zoo. He wore dungarees and a friendly smile. There was a whiff of animal dung about him, which was hardly surprising considering his job.

  “So, what’s your name, young sir?”

  “Bob.”

  “Mr Bob! Welcome back to Sir Basil’s Zoo,” said the keeper, opening the gate.

  The man had a quick look around to make sure nobody had spotted them.

  “Thank you so much for this, sir,” said the boy.

  “Winston! Call me Winston!”

  “Thank you, Winston.”

  “Now come in, Mr Bob! Quick as you like! If the zoo owner spots us, we’re both in trouble as big as the biggest hippopotamus dropping. And, trust me, that is big.”

  “I don’t want to get you into any trouble,” said Bob, a flash of worry crossing his face.

  “You won’t if you’re quick, Mr Bob. It’s a pleasure to meet someone who clearly loves animals as much as I do. Most of our little visitors run straight for the gift shop to buy a dinosaur pencil case. Even though we don’t even have any dinosaurs at the zoo! Now, what animals would you like to see today? Let me guess. The tiger?”

  “No!”

  “The penguins?”

  “No!”

  “The elephant?”

  “No!”

  “The zebra?”

  “No!”

  “The giraffe?”

  “No!”

  The zookeeper was befuddled. Everyone liked those animals the best, especially the children.

  “What then, Mr Bob?”

  “I like the animals no one else likes. The ones with the funny faces.”

  “Good for you, Mr Bob!” exclaimed the zookeeper. “I bet those would really like a visit. They so often get ignored. Now run along, Mr Bob, before the owner, Sir Basil Basildon, spots you.”

  “Thank you so much, Winston!”

  The boy ran off into the zoo, his heart pounding with excitement.

  As usual, Bob’s mission was to find those animals in the zoo with the funniest faces. He dashed past the lion, who was standing on a rock so that the wind caught his mane at just the right angle for the visitors’ cameras.

  “I wonder if he uses shampoo and conditioner or just shampoo?” said a bouffant-haired man.

  Bob didn’t stop to see the panda either. The black and white bear was sitting chewing on some bamboo and blowing off loudly.

  It left a party of old folk from a retirement home befuddled.

  “What was that trumpeting sound, dear?” asked an old dear.

  “I thought that was you, dear,” replied the other old dear.

  There was a huge crowd gathered around the elephant. She was spraying water over everyone with her trunk.

  “Ooh! This is delightful!” said one posh lady.

  “Yes, there’s nothing more delightful than showering in freezing-cold water that smells of elephant,” said the other.

  But Bob just walked on by. He was much more interested in seeing the animals in the zoo who had no visitors crowding around them. These were the ones who many people thought were ugly. They were certainly odd-looking, and Bob found them fascinating. These were the ones he always loved visiting on his birthday trips to the zoo with Grandpa. There was:

  When other children passed by these animals, they would either laugh or shriek, neither of which seemed welcome. Looking deep into the eyes of these animals, Bob thought they must be sad. Perhaps it was painful for the “ugly” animals to be ignored while all the “pretty” animals soaked up all the attention?

  Bob was particularly intrigued by one creature. Hidden away in a damp, dark corner of the zoo was a little tank.

  On the tank was a sign that read:

  But inside there was nothing to be seen.

  The other visitors to Sir Basil’s Zoo ignored the little tank. They were too busy marvelling at the seahorse and the octopus and the clownfish.

  “Look! It’s the fish from Finding Nemo!” said one vicar.

  “Is it the actual one from the film?” asked another.

  Bob rested his head on the little tank, and peered in. As hard as he looked, he couldn’t spot the blobfish anywhere. Perhaps he was hiding behind a rock? Had he buried himself in the sand? Was he lurking in the murky water at the back of the tank? Was he shy? Was he frightened? Did he not like being stared at?

  All Bob knew was that the blobfish seemed to be hiding.

  Winston the zookeeper passed by the tank on his rounds.

  “How are you enjoying yourself, Mr Bob?” he asked.

  “I am having the best afternoon, thank you, Winston. I’ve seen so many interesting animals already.”

  “Splendid, splendid, splendid.”

  “But I can’t see this one.”

  Winston put down the bucket of fish he was taking to the penguins. “No. Nobody ever does.”

  “Is there definitely a fish in there?”

  “Definitely, Mr Bob. But I am sorry to say the blobfish hides himself away.”

  “Why?”

  “A couple of years ago, a little girl visited the zoo. When she saw Blob she screamed and projectile-vomited. At the same time.”

  “Oh no.”

  “Yes. I had to clean the girl’s lunch off the tank. She’d eaten Alphabetti spaghetti. The glass looked like a Scrabble set had exploded all over it.”

  Indeed, there was a sign now which read:

  NO PROJECTILE-VOMITING ON THE GLASS.

  “So what happened to the blobfish?”

  “The poor little thing was obviously frightened. He hid at the very back of his tank and was never seen again. He won’t even eat the food I drop in for him until the dead of night when the zoo is empty.”

  “That’s sad.”

  “That it is, Mr Bob. I fear you’re wasting your time waiting to see that one.”

  “But I really want to see what a blobfish looks like.”

  “Good luck, Mr Bob!” said the old man over his shoulder as he left.

  Bob wouldn’t give up. He
waited. And waited. And waited. And then he waited some more.

  After an hour, the boy was ready to give up when he noticed another sign at the bottom of the tank. It read:

  DO NOT TAP ON THE GLASS!

  Like most children (and some grown-ups), when Bob was told NOT to do something, it made him want to do it all the more.fn1

  fn1 Just like seeing these signs often makes you want to do the opposite:

  In fact, before seeing the “DO NOT TAP ON THE GLASS” sign, Bob had not thought of doing such a thing. It hadn’t even crossed his mind. Now he had an overwhelming desire to do it. Bob was curious. What would happen if he tapped on the glass? Would it shatter? Would the zoo self-destruct? Would the world end? There was only one way to find out.

  Bob glanced left and right to check no one was looking. Then slowly the boy lifted his knuckles to the tank.

  Nothing stirred.

  Again nothing.

  Bob put his face right up against the tank and peered into the murky water. From the other side of the thick glass he must have looked quite a sight, his funny face flattened against it.

  At the very back of the tank, Bob could just make out something stirring. It was faint at first – a swirl of water and sand – and then out of the shadows a face appeared.

  It was the ugliest face Bob had ever seen. And he had seen some ugly faces – his family photograph album was full of them.

  screamed the boy.

  The blobfish must have been scared too, at the sight of this squashed nose and mouth, and the big bulging eyes staring back at him. The fish’s mouth opened and a giant bubble of air burst out. His eyes widened in terror before he retreated to the far side of the tank.

  The pair had frightened the life out of each other.