Better Than Your Dreams

by Dee Ernst

  She spoke up from her chair in the corner. “Vincent’s daughter Carmella is a wedding planner. I’m sure she could help out. She’s already been very helpful in planning my wedding.”

  Brian’s head whipped around. “Lily, you’re getting married?”

  She sniffed. “Good heavens. Brian, it’s not like I’m going to the moon. It’s quite easy, actually. I did it before, quite successfully, in fact.” She smiled sweetly. “Why, I believe even you did it once.”

  Brian was frowning. “When did all this happen?”

  “Just this week,” Lily said.

  Dominique managed to get her lower jaw back in its proper place. “Congratulations, Lily. Anyone we know?”

  Lily shrugged. “My girl, I have no idea who you know. His name is Vincent DeMatriano. He’s a very nice widower, from Brooklyn.”

  “How lovely,” Dominique managed.

  Brian, still frowning, looked over at me. “Why is that name familiar?”

  I shrugged innocently. “Can’t imagine. I just met him myself the other day.”

  Miranda went over and perched on the arm of Lily’s chair. “Do you really think this Carmella person can help?”

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “I think we need to talk about this a little more before we start enlisting help.”

  “Talk about what?” Ben said, coming up behind me.

  “The wedding,” I said brightly. “Is the grill heating up?”

  He nodded, so I grabbed his hand and pulled him back into the kitchen and pointed to a huge platter of rib eyes that had been sitting on the counter. “Take it away, chef,” I joked.

  He leaned forward and kissed me. It was one of those kisses that sent little bolts of lightning to various places in my body. One of those let’s-go-somewhere-soon kisses. “How soon can we get them all out of here?” he asked softly.

  “Depends on how fast those suckers can cook,” I said, slightly giddy.

  He grinned, grabbed the platter, then left. I leaned against the counter and took a deep breath.

  He still did that to me.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  WE HAD A LOVELY DINNER. Miranda and David looked so happy, I almost started thinking they might be together for more than six months of wedded bliss. Lily was reveling in her new role as bride-to-be, trading centerpiece ideas with Miranda and Lauren, insisting that Jessica be her flower girl.

  The kids did not want a big wedding. Something small, David said, just family and close friends. Brian looked relieved when David said he and Miranda would be paying for it all themselves. I shot a quick look at Miranda to see if she was rolling her eyes or biting her tongue at that statement, but she just nodded happily at David’s pronouncement. And then Miranda said she didn’t really care about a dress either, which I found incredibly difficult to believe. This girl took better care of her clothes than some people took of their children. Who was this new Miranda who was talking about grabbing something nice off the clearance rack at Macy’s? And who was not expecting a huge to-do paid for by her father? This girl had had a sweet-sixteen party that rivaled a New York society debutante ball.

  I sat and watched, my mind going in a million directions at once. David was obviously a great influence on my daughter. He was following in his father’s footsteps in the kind, sensible, and thoughtful department. Miranda appeared to have dialed down her “me” meter and seemed genuinely happy with all of David’s practical suggestions. Her blind selfishness had always been the one thing about her I did not find at all endearing. This Miranda was a much nicer person. And Lauren was right; they lit up together.

  But right across the table from the happy couple sat Brian. I vividly remembered the first time I had met him. I thought he was going to be the answer to all my dreams. He seemed to be every single thing I wanted and needed in a husband. It took me until he left for another woman to realize how wrong I’d been. Did I want that for my oldest daughter?

  Ben sat next to me and contributed to the wedding discussion only when directly asked a question. He was his usual charming and funny self, but I knew we had a hard conversion coming up. We had never actually disagreed about anything before. Not anything important, that is. But I knew that at some point I was going to be up against a very hard wall, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

  Thank God for Tyler. He did not eat any steak. He chewed a piece and spit it out, ate three forkfuls of baked potato and half a leaf of lettuce, gave his one floweret of broccoli to the dog, and inhaled two cupcakes. He was bouncing off the walls by the time coffee was served, prompting a hasty retreat by Brian and Dominique.

  Lily arched an eyebrow after they left. “Where did her accent go?” she asked.

  Good question. Her accent had faded to almost nothing as Tyler got older. Was that something that chasing after a toddler did?

  “I think,” Lauren said wisely, “that her accent was more profound when she was in her seduction mode. She’s in her mommy mode now, and nobody says Vat is zee mattier? in playgroup.”

  Lily sniffed. “Whatever,” she murmured. “Brian looks very old and tired these days. You were good to be rid of him, Mona.”

  I had no say in getting rid of him, but I never argued with Lily where Brian was concerned.

  Despite the coziness around the table, I was becoming increasingly uneasy. Not just about finally getting Ben alone so we could talk, but (just as important) getting Ben alone so we could continue along the path we’d started on last night. But our children were everywhere. I know they all knew that Ben and I had spent our nights together, but he’d never stayed over with all of my girls home. Usually one or more of them was off somewhere. We mostly went to his place, because David had been away and Ben’s younger son Ethan, before going off to college himself, never left his bedroom. I had never worried about that awkward breakfast conversation with the offspring.

  But here we were. How could I gracefully suggest anything that would not make it obvious that I was looking forward to some really great sex and would everyone please get out of the way?

  Maybe everyone else could figure it out for me.

  “Ben, walk the dog with me?”

  He smiled and nodded. It had turned much cooler in the past few hours, so I bundled up with a few adorable scarves, snapped the leash of the now ecstatic Fred, and Ben and I left the house.

  It was one of those crisp fall nights where the stars were close and you could see your breath. I loved this weather—any excuse to dress in long, flowing sweaters and roomy ponchos. As we came down the driveway, I saw David’s little Fiat parked on the street, right behind Ben’s truck. Ben was always thinking ahead—he made sure that if he stayed the night, David would be able to get home on his own. What a guy. It made me feel all warm and smushy inside, knowing we were both thinking alike.

  But…we weren’t thinking alike about everything.

  “Mona, what are your objections to David marrying Miranda?”

  I took a deep breath. “I have no objection to David marrying Miranda. I have lots of objections to my daughter marrying someone she barely knows.”

  “We’re talking about two very smart, sensible kids,” he said gently.

  “No, we’re talking about a smart, sensible young man and a smart young woman who, until six months ago, didn’t realize that if your credit card bill wasn’t paid on time, it could be taken away from you. She has some real gaps, experience-wise. Miranda has never been in love before. How can she know this is the real thing? How can she be willing to risk her future happiness on something that may be as fleeting as dropped-crotch pants for women?” I shook my head. “Listen, Ben, David is a great kid. How could he not be? He’s your son. But is he great for Miranda? And as much as I love my daughter, she can be a real piece of work. Do they even know what they’re getting into?”

  He chuckled. “Come on, you saw them together. They practically sparkle.”

  “Yes, they do. But married? I mean, isn’t theirs the generation that doesn’t believe in marr
iage? If they want to live together, fine. They have my blessing.”

  “Some people,” he said slowly, “believe that marriage means something. It means a promise of more than just waking up together in the same bed. It means having faith in the unknown.”

  I was glad it was dark, so I could not see the hurt that I knew was in his eyes. I hated this. If we were so far apart on what we thought was best for our kids’ future, how were we going to agree on our own? “Yes, well, I had a marriage once, and it may have meant something to me, but it meant squat to my husband.”

  “Does that mean you aren’t willing to try it again?” he asked. “I gotta tell you, Mona, I really expected your reaction yesterday to be a little different.”

  There it was. Right in front of me in the cold night air.

  Fred had stopped to ruthlessly destroy a particularly nasty leaf. It gave me an excuse to also stop and carefully think about what I was going to say next. This was the man I loved. I could not imagine what my life would be like without him in it. But the very thought of being married again brought on an automatic reaction—I felt cold; I couldn’t breathe—surely my subconscious was trying to tell me something.

  “Ben, it’s not that I’m not willing to try again. Yesterday you just caught me off guard. I mean, it came right out of the blue.”

  “Really, Mona? We’ve been together for almost four years now, and we love each other. What is the next step, if not getting married?”

  “I don’t know why we just can’t continue on the way we are now,” I said. “We’re so good together.”

  “But you don’t think David and Miranda would be good together?”

  Fred was tugging on the leash. I turned and started walking back to the house. How could I explain myself to Ben? “Look, I fell for Brian in the first ten minutes of our very first date. I married him based on that, without even bothering to look at the kind of person he really was, because I was blinded by that first impression. I wanted to have the perfect marriage. So I made one. But it wasn’t perfect, not at all. And I spent a long time not being happy because I refused to face the truth. That’s what happens when you make a mistake but refuse to admit it.”

  I stopped and turned to face him. “We have something different. It’s taken me a long time to settle into the idea that yes, we are a good couple. And I want to be with you for as long as we can keep this going. But I also know that marriages fail all the time. Even the good ones. I can’t go through something like that again.”

  “For somebody who’s made it her life’s work to sell happily ever after, you sure aren’t much of a believer.”

  “You’re right. I’m not. I used to be, but having someone you trusted for almost half of your lifetime betray you with no warning cured me of that. That’s also why I think David and Miranda are making a huge mistake. Because I know from experience that just because you meet someone you think is perfect, love at first sight is not real. It’s not possible for two people who’ve only known each other a short time to have a love that lasts.”

  “And I know, from personal experience, that it is possible.”

  We were back in front of the house. “Are you willing to bet our kids’ future and happiness on that? Because I don’t think I am,” I said.

  “Are you willing to bet on our future happiness? Because I fell in love with you, Mona, the first time I saw you. Ellen had just died, and I was so grief-stricken I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be happy again. I came into your house, and the girls were running around screaming, and there was crappy water everywhere, and I looked at you and thought, yeah, maybe there is another chance for me.”

  I stared at him in the darkness. I thought of all the years he had been in and out of my house, all the casual conversations, the moments shared over cups of coffee. I had just been admiring the scenery. He had been in love. And he never let it show. I felt suddenly choked with guilt. “You never told me that before.”

  He shrugged.

  “But you remarried,” I said.

  “Well, you were married, remember? I didn’t think it would be terribly healthy to be alone, mooning over someone I couldn’t have for my entire life. So I found someone I really liked and thought I could live with. And we got along pretty well, until she started talking about having more kids. But it was you, Mona. All those years. When David told me what had happened to him, it was no surprise.” He shrugged again. “It’s what we do, we Cutler men. We fall fast and hard.”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  “Do you trust what David feels for Miranda?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I muttered.

  “Do you trust what I feel for you?” he asked.

  “Yes, of course.”

  “But you aren’t willing to marry me.”

  “It has nothing to do with our loving each other.”

  “And how can I know that? You’ve just told me you don’t believe in the very thing that has been the backbone of my entire relationship with you.”

  “But I never knew that!” I blurted.

  Ben let out a long breath. “Yes, but I did. And I always thought…” He bowed his head. “Mona, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be feeling right now.”

  “Ben, I love you,” I said.

  “I know you do. Being married is important to me. That’s why I asked you. We’re adults, Mona, and I would have no qualms about continuing things just the way they are. We could continue to see each other indefinitely; I know that. But I want more.”

  He was silent. He was waiting for me. And I didn’t know what to say to him. I realized, in a sudden rush of fear, that I could easily lose him. I couldn’t bear to think about that. “Ben. Listen, about the kids—”

  “No, Mona.” His voice was sharp. “Forget the kids. David and Miranda are going to do exactly what they want to do, whether you and I support them or not. I, for the record, do support them. I happen to believe that two people can have a strong and happy marriage, even if one of them is a romantic, headstrong fool who’s willing to trust his first instincts and take a chance on the unknown. You obviously don’t.”

  I felt tears. I couldn’t breathe. Fred nuzzled my leg.

  “Ben—please. There’s so much going on right now. The kids, Lily, the holidays are coming up—I need to be able to think. About you and me. I want us to be together. Can we just take a break from talking about this?”

  “Maybe we should take a break, period. I think we could both benefit from a little time apart.”

  “Oh?” Time apart? I felt my heart start to race, and I couldn’t swallow. How much time apart was he talking about? Not anything…permanent, right? Please, God, don’t let him mean something permanent.

  He leaned forward to kiss me on the cheek. “Let’s face it, Mona. We’re going to be seeing an awful lot of each other in the next few months. Which is great, because spending time with you is my favorite thing to do. But I think you and I need to put our, ah, more intimate relationship on hold. Just to see how things shake out, you know? And when things calm back down, we can sit and talk this all out.” He smiled in the darkness. “We are destined to be together, Mona. I really believe that. And a bit of distance won’t change that.”

  He was right. I took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.” A bit of distance? I could live with a bit of distance if I had to.

  I watched Ben as he pulled his keys from his pocket. “Tell David I’ll see him at home,” he said quietly.

  Then he got into his truck and drove away.

  My family did not say anything to me when I returned to the house with only Fred and announced that Ben was on his way home, and I was going up to bed.

  The next morning I seriously thought about just staying in bed all day, sparing me the inevitable questions and dark looks. But someone—probably Lily—had made breakfast. I smelled bacon and waffles and coffee. I grabbed my favorite old robe from the closet and padded downstairs.

  Lily was at the stove, wearing a red kimono-
type robe with a golden dragon down the back, instead of her familiar pink housecoat. She flashed me a brilliant smile and handed me a plate, bacon still sizzling, syrup dripping from a golden stack.

  “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist,” she said. “Have a seat.”

  I slid next to Lauren, who gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

  “Did you and Ben break up?” she asked.

  “Lauren,” Miranda said sharply. “We agreed to wait until she at least ate something.”

  Lauren rolled her eyes. I sighed heavily.

  “Ben and I just need a little time to think about things,” I told them. I took a huge bite of waffle.

  Miranda’s eyes filled with sudden tears. “Is this about me and David getting married?”

  I swallowed quickly and shook my head. “No. Absolutely not. I mean, we disagree on that, but…” I took a quick sip of coffee. “Ben asked me to marry him. And I didn’t say yes. I didn’t say no, actually. Well, maybe I did. It’s just that we look at marriage very differently. We’re just coming at it from two completely different places.”

  “Where are you coming from?” Jessica asked.

  I looked at her in surprise. She rarely asked what I thought about anything. “I happen to believe,” I said slowly, “that two people can love each other and have a great life together and not be married.” I looked at Miranda. “I also believe first impressions can be deceiving. I believe that in order to know a person, I mean really know them, you have to live with them for a while. And not just a few months, because you’re naturally on your best behavior when you first get together. You have to see how they treat people when they’re not on their best behavior. When they’re tired or angry or disappointed. You have to see how they treat you when you disagree or disappoint.” I played with my bacon before taking a bite.

  Miranda sniffed. “So this isn’t my fault?”