Love's Grip

by Nika Michelle

  “Uh, I’m not really in the position to go see a doctor and shit, so …”

  “Okay. Okay. I, uh, I need the key to your apartment. I still ain’t seen Rae, and he wasn’t there when I went over earlier.”

  “Well, he damn sure been blowin’ my damn phone up,” I complained.

  “Well, from what I heard, he’s been fuckin’ wit’ his baby mama, Capri, again. My brother told me he was over there. Maybe she got him all wrapped up and he’ll forget all about what’s goin’ on wit’ you,” she said.

  Why the hell was she just telling me about that shit? When I really stopped to think about it, it really didn’t matter. I didn’t give a damn about what he was doing with other women.

  “Hmm. I hope it’ll be that easy, and I honestly don’t give a fuck who he’s messin’ wit’. Better her than me. Let her take his bullshit,” I said. “He ain’t took care of that li’l boy since he been wit’ me. She is dumb as hell to take him back.” When I had found out about their son, we’d already been together for over a year.

  It had been a turnoff to know that I was with a deadbeat, but still, I had stayed with him. I guessed I was just as bad as his baby mama. What kind of man turned his back on his own child? Hmm. It made me think about my father. Was I really not his? My mother had always avoided the question. Now that we weren’t talking, but I was sure I’d never get the answer.

  “I’ll call when I’m on the way to you,” Kevia said, her voice cutting through my thoughts like a knife.

  “Okay. Thanks, boo.”

  “Anytime.”

  I ended the call and lay back on the bed. My hunger pangs were gone, and I couldn’t do anything but think. Pistol was on my mind, and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing at the moment. Did he think of me as much as I thought of him? I knew that it was best for me not to get involved with him, but why did I want to go back to his condo? Why did I have this overwhelming urge to see him again?

  I had to shake it off. I was damaged goods, and he was a nigga who ran around with guns. One thing I did know was, if I ever got into a relationship again, it would not be with a nigga like him. True, he had rescued me from Raekwan’s wrath, but it was best for me to avoid him.

  Instead of dwelling on what I knew was not meant to be, I decided to take a quick nap while I waited for Kevia to call me back. All I wanted was a little bit of peace, and lately, I got that only when I was asleep.

  *

  Damn. The cops were behind me, and I had just been blowing some strong-ass Kush. My instinct was to put the window down, but that was probably not smart. It was best if they didn’t smell that potent-ass smoke. When they cruised past me, I didn’t even bother to look. I turned the music up.

  Kevia had awoken me from my nap to tell me she was on the way to the hotel on Lavista Road, and I had quickly hopped in my car. I had to hurry and get there before she did. I had an eerie feeling that Rae was going to be with her. Would she do that to me, knowing that I didn’t want to see him? She’d seen my face for herself, so if she did that for her cousin, it would tell me a lot. It would mean that she wasn’t my real friend, and that her loyalty didn’t lie with me. Blood wasn’t always thicker than water, and I just hoped she could see that.

  After I pulled up into a parking spot at the hotel, I called her. “Where you at, boo?” I asked.

  “Right around the corner from you.”

  “Okay. I’m in my car. I had to come out to smoke a blunt. They only got nonsmoking rooms and shit. I ain’t wanna take no chances.”

  “A’ight. I’ll be there in, like, two minutes.”

  I hung up, hit the blunt again, and waited.

  Damn, my body radiated with pain. I wasn’t trying to judge, but I didn’t see how women stayed with men who beat them. Pain wasn’t my forte, and I wasn’t going to live like that. There was no way. The thing was, I had to get my money up so that I could come up with a game plan. I had to get away so that Rae would never find me, but I couldn’t do that shit broke.

  Kevia was standing on the passenger side of my car, waiting, when I looked up. Damn. I’d been so deep in thought that I hadn’t even seen her approach. I unlocked the passenger door, and she got in the car. She passed me a bag of pills, and I put them in my purse.

  “You can’t keep livin’ like this, Punkin. I mean, damn. You can’t stay in this hotel forever. It’s gon’ get expensive. Look, Rae’s on the phone. He wants to talk to you. He’s really sorry ’bout what he did.” She held her phone out, and I looked at her like she’d lost her mind.

  “Are you serious right now?” I shook my head in disbelief. “I should’ve known better. Get the fuck out of my car!”

  It was a good thing I hadn’t given her the key to my crib or my money. Shit. Rae had probably sold everything already. I was okay with the fact that I was going to have to just start over. That was fine with me as long as I didn’t have to deal with Rae’s abusive ass.

  Kevia didn’t budge. In fact, she called Rae and, apparently, put him on speakerphone, because his voice was suddenly loud and clear in the car. “I’m on my way there, Punkin. I’m so sorry, baby. I never meant to hurt you, and I wanna make it right. Just gimme the chance to do that. I lost it. Okay? I had smoked some fucked-up shit. I think them niggas on the West Side laced me.” His desperation was clear.

  I wasn’t buying his lies. “Fuck that shit! I don’t wanna hear it, Rae! Fuck you, and fuck you too, Kevia! Get the fuck out of my car now!”

  It was a good thing I’d gotten my hands on the gun I’d locked in my trunk. If I’d had access to it that night, Rae’s ass would’ve been dead. I wouldn’t have needed Pistol at all. As a matter of fact, if I could’ve taken the piece in the club with me, none of that night’s events would have even happened.

  When Rae kept talking and Kevia kept sitting there, I knew that it was time to pull that shit out on her conniving ass. She was all about family, and I was all about my survival.

  “If you don’t get the fuck out of my car, bitch, I’ll pull this fuckin’ trigger.”

  The look of surprise on her face when I put the gun to her head was priceless.

  “This bitch just pulled a gun on me,” she told Rae just as she opened the car door.

  My eyes were glued to hers, and my look was stern. All I wanted to do was get out of there before Rae arrived. She stepped out of my car and slammed the door.

  “This shit ain’t over, Punkin!” she yelled as I pulled out of the parking space.

  “Fuck you, bitch! You and your cousin can kiss my black ass!” I screamed back and then hauled ass up out of there.

  Right then and there, I realized that I was alone in the world.

  Once I was back in my motel room, I was able to relax. I had the munchies, so I’d picked up some food from a spot called This Is It! It was supposed to be real Southern cuisine, but I wouldn’t know any different, since I couldn’t remember the last time my mother had cooked for me. That shit was good to me either way.

  As I ate, I cried, which was weird as hell. It was like my emotions were all over the place. All I could envision was the homeless people who littered downtown Atlanta. Would I be just like them? I was sure they had nobody if they’d ended up in a position like that. The thing was, at that point, I realized that I didn’t have anybody, either.

  As strong as I was, there was a threshold for everyone. I’d reached the point where the dam had been broken. The tears wouldn’t stop, and as much as I tried, they just kept on coming. Kevia had been my friend since I was eight years old. We’d always been close, and she’d always been the one I loved and trusted. All of a sudden, after all those years, I didn’t have her anymore. She had sold me out for Rae, and that was unforgivable.

  There I was, hiding out in a seedy motel room. What kind of life was that? It was no way for a young woman to live. I was supposed to be out enjoying life, but I was battered and bruised. Not only that, but I had been used and abused. It was time for me to focus on myself, and I was determined to
do that.

  The last of my money was going to go toward my makeup and wardrobe. It was time for me to get that good job that I’d always wanted. I had college courses behind me. Fuck waitressing at a strip club, I thought. It was time for me to do something more professional, so I could afford to go back to school.

  Suddenly, the tears were gone. I was going to have to make the best of my situation. At least I had only myself to worry about. Not bringing a kid into my situation had been a good idea. I’d felt bad about the abortion that I had a year ago, but it had been for the best. I’d cried plenty of tears, but I’d known that a child didn’t deserve to be subjected to Rae’s abuse too.

  Chapter 6

  Pistol

  When we pulled up in a parking spot close to the entrance to Westview Cemetery, I flashed Mike a confused look.

  His facial expression was serious as he read mine. “Inside intel let me know that nigga’s routine. He comes here by himself once a week, at the same time, to visit his brother’s grave. Usually, he’ll be by himself, but if there’s some shit poppin’ off in the streets, he’ll have his yes-men watchin’ his ole scared ass. It’s the only time he’s by himself, which is the best time to pop that mu’fuckin’ pedophile.”

  I was confused. “Now that I know what that nigga did, I’m a’ight wit’ killin’ him, but if it’s so easy, why the hell am I doing that shit instead of you? You had me thinking you didn’t want to do it, ’cause that nigga and his crew’ll start bustin’ like we were gonna pull up on the block. What’s really goin’ on, yo?”

  Mike pointed toward a black BMW that was a few yards away from us. “You see that car?”

  With a nod, I said, “Yeah.”

  “That’s his henchmen. He goes to the grave by himself, but they watch the entrance,” Mike explained.

  Shit. Who the fuck was that nigga? He was obviously in the position to have henchmen, so he had to be connected to some illegal shit.

  Dank spoke up. “If they see us, they gon’ react, but if they see you, it’ll be nothin’. Just go pop that nigga and come back to the car.” He passed me a bouquet of flowers. “Pick a random grave near him to put these flowers on, and then do that shit. We’ll be here to make sure them niggas can’t get to you if they become suspicious.”

  Mike was unusually quiet as he stared out the window. I couldn’t help but feel like something was off with him. Maybe it was the thought of somebody violating his baby girl. I needed to know that they weren’t just feeding me bullshit to do their dirty work. Killing wasn’t a hard task for me, but killing somebody for no reason was. Even if he hadn’t molested my cousin’s daughter, I would’ve merked dude if he’d crossed my fam in any way, but I didn’t want to be tricked into it.

  “A’ight.” I grabbed my Smith & Wesson pistol and twisted the silencer on.

  Mike then showed me a picture on his cell phone. “This that nigga.” He was light skinned, with a thin mustache and wavy, close-cut hair. That nigga looked like a pretty-boy pussy and was nothing like I’d imagined.

  “This cemetery is huge. How the fuck am I supposed to find him?” I asked, making a mental note of his facial features.

  “After you walk through the gate, go down seven rows. He’ll be there on your left,” Mike replied, filling me in.

  Damn. Those niggas had been as thorough as hell about that shit. They knew exactly where the grave was.

  “What if he’s expecting this?” That shit had just popped up in my head.

  There was a chance that he knew these niggas were watching him. Maybe he was ready for the attack and knew that he’d be targeted when he was the most vulnerable. That might be why he had his henchmen with him.

  “Nah, he don’t know. My baby girl said he threatened to kill her if she told me or her moms. He knows there’s animosity between us, ’cause he fuckin’ my baby mama, but he won’t expect us to make a hit on him here. He don’t even know that I had him followed,” Mike explained, with an anxious look in his eyes.

  “A’ight.” I nodded and concealed the gun in the waist of my jeans.

  The tinted windows made it so that dude’s niggas couldn’t see inside of my vehicle. They probably just thought some random nigga was here to pay his respects to a dead loved one. I slowly got out of the car. The flowers that I held in my hand sold that shit that I was here to pay respects, because when I looked at dude’s car, I noticed that those niggas looked like they were asleep. My target must’ve been in there for a long time.

  Maybe somebody had already popped them and that nigga I was supposed to knock off. I was sure that he’d made plenty enemies, that my cousin wasn’t the only one. Instead of assuming everyone had been knocked off already, because those niggas might just be taking a nap, I walked through the gate and counted the rows. When I got to row seven, that nigga was standing there, with a pair of dark shades on. I stopped at the grave right next to him.

  As I laid the flowers down, I read the engraving on the tombstone. MARGARET LYONS, BELOVED WIFE AND MOTHER. AUGUST 10, 1968–JUNE 27, 2013. She was the same age as my mother. Shaking my head, I discreetly placed my mark in my peripheral vision and was about to grab my gun.

  Suddenly he turned and stepped closer to me. My instincts screamed, Go ahead and shoot his ass, but he had a huge grin on his face, which threw me off. When he stopped just mere inches from me, he spoke.

  “I been comin’ here for the past two years, and I ain’t never seen nobody visit her grave. Who was she to you?” he asked, trying to find some sort of common ground with me, a complete stranger who was there to kill him.

  Where the fuck was his street sense? Did he think getting killed in a cemetery was unlikely, and if so, why were his niggas waiting for him in the car?

  “My favorite aunt. I don’t live here,” I lied quickly.

  Common sense told me that he was strapped too, so I had to finesse that shit the right way to keep my own life intact. If I didn’t, my fleeing to Atlanta would be in vain.

  He nodded. “Word. That’s real shit. You mind me askin’ how she died?”

  “She was sick for a long time. Diabetes.” I cleared my throat.

  “Word. That’s tough.” I couldn’t see his eyes, so I couldn’t tell if he was really as sincere as he sounded.

  “Yeah, but at least she ain’t suffering no more.” I watched his hands to make sure he wasn’t going for a weapon or anything.

  “Yeah. I guess it’s different when somebody you care about is sick. None of us want to see a person we care for suffer and shit. But when somebody you care for gets murdered, that’s a totally different story.” He balled his fists up at his sides. “My brother was shot to death … because of me. I visit him all the time. People keep tellin’ me that he forgave me, but I can’t forgive my damn self.”

  “Hmm … That’s gotta be a fucked-up feelin’.”

  Dude removed his shades and shook his head. “I’m a street nigga, but when it comes to blood, I’m all about loyalty. I guess my big bro was just tryin’a protect me, but …” He shook his head. “I ain’t want shit to turn out like it did.”

  I didn’t understand why that nigga was still talking to me. Maybe he just felt the need to get some shit off his chest. There was a chance that he had to be strong for everybody around him, but he felt he didn’t have to do that shit for me. If only he knew that I wasn’t just some stranger. I was there to use his weakness to my advantage. It was time to end that shit, so I could get to the real task at hand, the lick that would be going down in a few hours. A mu’fucka needed some money and fast.

  My hand was on my strap again. “Well, things don’t always go as planned.”

  “You got that right,” he muttered as he pointed a silver-plated nine at me. “Who sent you?”

  Fuck! I should’ve just shot that nigga. He had got me with the small talk.

  I flashed him a confused look. “The fuck you mean, nigga? You must be on some paranoid shit.”

  “I’m gon’ kill them niggas for not watchin�
�� out. They probably fucked up and shit!” His face was all balled up in a mean, ugly scowl that distorted his pretty-boy features.

  All I did was pretend like I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about as I pondered how I could get control of the situation. It looked like I was going to have to wrestle the gun out of that nigga’s hand. He needed to think I was some docile-ass mu’fucka. Which I wasn’t. There was no way I was going to be the one who got killed.

  “That nigga Rae’s mu’fuckin’ punk ass. I know I should’ve left him on the block. He ain’t no real thug. All he and Shyne wanna do is smoke and get pussy.” He shook his head as he literally talked to himself.

  While he was distracted, I decided to make my move. Without even second-guessing myself, I kicked that nigga hard as hell in his nuts. As he dropped to his knees, I kicked his gun to the ground and then punched him hard as hell in the face. As blood gushed from his nose like a geyser, I pulled out my gun and let off two shots in his head before getting the fuck up out of there.

  Making my way back to the car, all I could think about was the fact that I’d heard the name Rae recently. With the chaos of the moment, my mind couldn’t recall when and where I’d heard it. Just when I’d been about to clap his ass, he had wanted to hold a damn conversation. That nigga was just as good at acting as I was.

  Damn. It was a good thing I’d disarmed him before he shot his loud-ass strap. If that had happened, hell would’ve broken loose after that. That would’ve left a few more fresh dead bodies at this graveyard. As I walked out of the cemetery, I noticed that those niggas in his car were still laid back, chilling.

  Shaking my head, I headed to my car. Then I got in and drove off.

  “It’s done?” Mike quizzed me from the passenger seat.

  “What you think?” I said, answering his question with a question.

  After that, it was silent in the car. I didn’t even want to talk about how I’d almost been the one who got killed. When I was a few miles away from the scene of the murder I’d just committed, it finally dawned on me. All of a sudden I knew exactly who the fuck Rae was.