Helluva Luxe

by Essary, Natalie

  When Zayzl got back in town, I lied and said Lily was staying at Kendol’s. I don’t know what I was thinking. I quickly got busted because the regulars wouldn’t stop talking about what they saw on the dance floor. They told Zayzl he missed the show of a lifetime, and they asked how long Ash’s comeback had been planned. They were calling Ash “The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove,” and Chance got so many requests for Massive Attack we thought we might have to put condom machines in the bathroom. The backlash was good. So good, in fact, the security tape went missing.

  I had no clue where Lily and Ash went or how to find them, and I didn’t want to step all over their honeymoon. When I called both of their phones, I could hear them ringing through the wall in Lily’s room. That was sign enough for me they didn’t want to be bothered. However, since they’d walked off the dance floor and out the door three days before our big fashion show, I had to cover my ass. Just in case. Since everybody knows everybody downtown, Chance and I called the bar up the road to order burgers and borrow one of their crew for our event. They sent Evilyn with a side of scowl and some extra fries.

  I know she acts like Satan’s English teacher, but she’s cool. She’s just a prude and a perfectionist. And she won’t take shit from anybody. In fact, she got on Zayzl’s nerves so bad that week, Chance and I decided we had to keep her. She accepted without hesitation.

  I had a feeling Ash and Lily wouldn’t stiff. “Let’s Go to Bed” is a huge charity event Mofet started way back when. Our regulars look forward to it all year, and it takes just as long to plan the damn thing. But the day of rolls around, and all the work pays off in triplicate. The show is always spectacular, no matter what seems to go wrong beforehand.

  A lingerie fashion show in a Goth bar?

  Come on, now. You’d have to really try to fuck that up. It’s pretty much a sure thing.

  That year Lily was taking the runway last, wearing the finale. And Ash was set to spin around eight bands, starting in the early afternoon and going until last call. Kendol and Z put up an entire collection of framed photographs for silent auction. And we invited every celebrity and member of the media we could get an invitation to.

  High as a kite expectations and some dangerous fun.

  So Chance and I were busy double-stocking my cooler. He was wired to the gills, because one of my girls, who works downtown for a big hotel, called and said Kate Moennig was in town and might be in the crowd. Evidently, Chance had a thing. Who knew?

  “She played one on television, baby. That doesn’t mean shit,” he insisted.

  “For lesbians, sometimes it can mean a little something,” I said. “If she’s straight, she should have won an Emmy.”

  “She was nominated seven times.”

  “I can’t believe you know that.”

  “Sure you can. There are plenty of straight girls on that show, Rorke.”

  “Exactly. And I can name them all without thinking.”

  “Kate digs her privacy. She shouldn’t have to say one way or the other. It’s nobody’s business.”

  “Pfft. You just did that thing you do where you make some virtuous statement and try to pass it off as part of your argument. We are not talking about the woman’s right to privacy. We are talking about whether or not she’ll do you. Besides, no girl is totally straight. Secretly, we’re all persuadable.”

  “You wish.”

  “Oh, I feel a bet coming on.”

  He rolled his eyes. “You’d hear the sound of little dyke hearts breaking the world over if Kate came out and said she digs dick.”

  “So, what you’re saying is, in this particular case, coming out of the closet involves being straight? Would that still qualify as the closet, or would you call it something else like the cupboard? The cabinet?”

  “It wouldn’t be good for her image. Call it whatever you want.”

  “I think you have a weakness for girls who could kick your ass.”

  “No. I have a dangerous addiction to ambiguous straight girls.”

  “Well, maybe that’s something the two of you will have in common.”

  “Oh, you are so on.”

  “I recognize we’re at some sort of an impasse here, so I just wanna make sure I got this all straight.”

  “Pun intended?”

  “Oh, most definitely.”

  “Proceed.”

  “You’re gonna knock Kate off her Chucks tonight. But then you’ll have to keep your relationship secret to preserve the hearts of fragile dykes—Wait, is it nationwide or worldwide?”

  “Worldwide.”

  “Right, worldwide. I never realized you were such a philanthropist.”

  “I do my part.”

  “I love you, honey,” I said. “You know I do. In fact, I’m your biggest fan. I just don’t see it working out. She’s got that thing, you know? Makes me wanna take a bite. Usually when I wanna bite a girl, it means…”

  “Yes, I know the thing. You’ve got the thing.” He crossed his arms at me. “You’ve got the thing, and how many men have you been with?”

  I sighed. “Fine. How much?”

  “A hundred dollars.”

  “Nada.”

  “What? It’s not that much. You make that much in an hour.”

  “My point exactly. If you manage to land a date with Kate, I’ll give you the Dragon Chaser.”

  His eyes bugged out. “Your car? Done. Oh my god, done. Wolf! Where’s Wolf? I need the security tape.” And he took off like his ass was on fire.

  I was doubled over on the bar, laughing my fool head off when Lily and Ash showed up. It was around noon. The light blasted in behind them when they came through the door. Ash had her arm slung around Lily’s neck. She pulled Lily in close, kissed her behind the ear, and watched her go upstairs. Then she took a seat at my bar and turned her crazy grin on me. It was so contagious I started pouring shots.

  “Here’s to Massive Attack,” she said.

  “Nonsense. Here’s to nylon drapes.”

  That got me a laugh. She even threw her head back.

  “To family,” she said.

  “To the place where the dead can dance.”

  She winked. We clinked. We drank.

  “You ready for tonight?” I asked.

  “Depends.”

  We eyed one another. I knew what she was thinking.

  “I talked to Wolf. Nothing’s going down. Zayzl’s not dumb enough to cheat the show and the bar by trying to take you out like he did before.”

  “Wolf’s your informant now?”

  “Yeah. Because of Lily.”

  “Nice.”

  Ash looked over at the photograph hanging above the runway. It was fifteen feet high, the focal point of the room. A picture of Lily in the rain, taken the night she met Kendol. The shot wasn’t included in the magazine spread or the auction. It was marked as part of his private collection.

  Clever move on his part, right?

  The clothing designer for the show was a big Strike fan, so she came up with an entire line of lingerie using Lily as her muse. An entire line that looked like it got dropped in the mud. The concept was really sexy. But if I were Ash, I wouldn’t wanna look at that picture all night either.

  I wanted to ask if they were okay, but I didn’t know how.

  She ducked under the bar and got us each a beer. Then she popped the top on hers and pointed it at the picture.

  “Any idea when the Wonder Twins land?”

  “Kendol and Z? Never before sunset. Does he know she was with you all week?”

  “She’s talking to him right now.”

  “And?”

  “I just spent the last three days naked.”

  “Fair enough. And fucking cheers to that,” I said.

  “She’s not calling it off, Rorke.”

  I almost dropped my beer. “What do you mean she’s not calling it off? Is she nuts?”

  “Sometimes. But I’ve got a plan.”

  “You’ve got patience, is what you’ve got.”
I sighed. “Okay, fine. How can I help?”

  “You can trust me. No matter what you see, just trust me. And play dumb.”

  Chapter 24

  “Kate’s here,” I said.

  “Ohmygodwhere?”

  “Just came through the door. And evidently she’s alone, my boy, wearing red leather pants and a gray fedora. Evil said she’s got on shades, too. Might be a bit of a trick to find her in this crowd.”

  “Half the fucking room is dressed like that.”

  “Yeah, but most of them are dudes. Now’s your chance.”

  “You know I hate that saying.”

  “Fair enough. Now’s your Rorke.”

  “No way, baby. You ain’t snaking my game. I’m no first timer. She just got here. It’s too early to make my move. You gotta let the lady get the lay of the land.” He clicked his tongue at me and pushed up his collar. “A guy like me plays hard to get.”

  “Throw some gold at that, and you’re ready for Vegas.”

  “You’re just scared you’ll be riding the bus next week.”

  “Look, you gotta trust me on this one, Chance. She will get the lay of the land, and it won’t be from you if you don’t hustle on out there. You can’t let that one breathe, Son. Drink up.”

  “No, you gotta trust me, woman. I’m the one who needs a car.”

  “Good point.”

  “And while we’re on it, let me just make sure we’re square one more time. All I have to do is get her to agree to a date?”

  “Do you want me to sign something? Prick a finger? Have you got a Shaman lying around?”

  “Hey, I’m just making sure I get the keys to the Dragon, and you’re not gonna come knocking down my door to get ’em back tomorrow morning.”

  “Can I borrow her if I have a date?”

  “For a small fee.”

  “And if I win the bet?”

  “You get to keep your car.”

  “What about the hundred bucks?”

  “My ego will need that if I strike out.”

  “Well, you better start swinging soon. Your girl just walked up to the DJ booth. Lily’s cute and all, but Ash is only human…”

  “Noooo!” He whirled around to face the booth.

  Keeping a straight face was no easy feat, so I didn’t try.

  “Quick,” he said. “Pour me something to take up there. My god, would you look at that. The two of them standing so close is almost obscene.”

  “They’re just talking.”

  “I know, but is that a sight, or what? She’s even better in person.”

  “I certainly wouldn’t push her outta bed.”

  “So much leather in such a small space. We’re never cleaning the booth again.”

  “Wolf will be happy to hear that.”

  “Take a picture with your phone,” he said.

  “I can’t. I can’t blink.”

  “I never noticed how much she looks like Ash. Did you?”

  “Not until you pointed it out.”

  We both went silent.

  He looked over at me. “Does this mean we both dig Ash?”

  “What do you mean by dig?”

  “You know what I mean by dig.”

  I choked.

  He stared at me some more. “We never speak of this again.”

  I shook my head. “Of course not.”

  “The bet’s still on, though, right?”

  “Oh, hell yeah.”

  He sent drinks up to the DJ booth, via some lackey, and then went to shower and get dolled up for the night. I continued wiping down bottles that were already clean and thinking about what we said. I knew Chance didn’t have a thing for Ash. It was me I was suddenly worried about. I had feelings I couldn’t justify, and I needed a distraction.

  That’s when Lily walked up and sat down at my bar. Knocked the wind right out of me. She smelled like cloves, and she was dressed in full-on Steampunk gear right down to the opera glasses and fingerless gloves.

  “Can I have a glass of wine, love?” she said.

  I leaned over the bar and gave her a hug.

  “Anything for you. You look gorgeous.”

  She blushed.

  “You two would still be in hiding if it weren’t for the show, wouldn’t you?”

  She nodded and bit the cherry I left on her bev nap.

  “Ash has her own cave,” she said. “That’s where we went.”

  “Come again?”

  “She has all this money now. And a house that was built inside of a cave. One side is open, completely exposed to the elements. She has to sweep the leaves out every day. It’s magical, Rorke. Evidently the guy who designed it got into some legal trouble, so she bought it for a song. I’ve seen houses like it on television before, but I never imagined…” She sighed.

  I think my mouth was hanging open. She went on.

  “The guy who owned it must’ve been someone important. It’s very reclusive. I wouldn’t know how to get back there if I had to. It’s surrounded by woods, no other houses in sight, no streets that are marked. She doesn’t even have a mailbox.”

  I still hadn’t said a peep.

  She smiled. “Yes, Rorke. Like Batman.”

  I started cackling. “Holy shit! That’s the best goddamn news I’ve heard all day!” Then I continued cackling.

  Lily cocked her head at me like she didn’t get it. Then she went on. “She traded in that old Duc. She’s got a Harley now.”

  “My, oh my. You’ve got your hands full.”

  “She has a phoenix, too,” Lily said.

  Oh boy, I thought. So that’s it. Lily finally swam too far in the deep end, and there’s no turning back. “Honey, those are mythological birds,” I said.

  She giggled like a little girl. “A tattoo, silly.”

  “Oh!” Thank you, God.

  “It’s so pretty. I asked her about it, and she got very quiet. She won’t talk about the money either. Or where she’s been all this time.”

  “I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” I smiled at her, but I was wondering about the money, too. Caves can’t be cheap. Still, I think I’d rather her be a criminal than move out.

  “Is that Katherine Moennig?”

  “Mmm hmm,” I said.

  “I wouldn’t push her out of bed.”

  “You just earned yourself another cherry.”

  “Aww, Chance is getting her autograph.”

  I looked up at the DJ booth. Sure enough, Kate was writing something on a bar nap. Chance took it from her and stuck it in his pocket. I knew that was no autograph, because he was grinning like Narcissus.

  “Noooooo!” I shouted. I wanted to scale the bar and take them both to the ground.

  “What’s wrong?” Lily asked.

  I sighed. “Wanna go car shopping with me this week?”

  “I can’t. Kendol and I are flying out to LA. What’s wrong with the Dragon?”

  The world stopped turning.

  Play dumb, play dumb, play dumb kicked on like a skipping record. “Nothing’s wrong with the Dragon,” I said. “I just lost a bet, um… When do you leave?”

  “Sunrise.”

  I should have known Kendol would pull something like this. I bet he was so mad at Ash he broke shit when nobody was looking. He’d never just hand Lily over. His relationship with her was a current event. If anyone was going to call it off, it would have to be him. And if he was out of town with Z, I promise you one of them got a phone call about Ash’s inertia. I’d bet my bar mats he knew exactly what Lily was up to after that night, so it was his move. And since the little weasel’s got no sex appeal unless half his face is covered by a camera, he needed to seduce her with his fame. Again.

  “You’re going for a shoot?”

  “Yes,” she said. “He wants me in the garment I’ll be wearing tonight. But it has to be on the beach outside his house before sunrise. He has his heart set on that shot.”

  Bingo.

  “Can you blame him?” I forced a
smile, and she blushed again. “When’s he showing up?”

  “Soon.”

  I nodded.

  “I know what you’re thinking, Rorke, but everything will work out in the end. For everyone.”

  “When is the end?”

  She gave me a disapproving look that was mostly teasing.

  “Ash and I talked, and she understands why I need to be with Kendol right now. I explained to her that this is my chance to leave a mark while I still have time. You’ve got your bar and your friends. Everyone loves you. And Ash, she’s the best DJ I’ve ever known. Both of you have these gifts that can’t expire. But my gifts are this face and this body. I won’t have them forever. I have to do this now. It’ll provide some security for the family. Please don’t be angry with me, Rorke.”

  “Oh, honey. I’m not angry with you.” I had about an hour-long lecture going in my head, but I decided to save it. “I want things to work out for you. I want you to have it all. And I hope you know you’re more than just pretty.”

  “It’s about the clock, Rorke. That’s all. And thank you for what you said.” She put her hand on mine. Her fingers were little sticks of ice. She held my eyes for a minute. “Please trust me.” Then she smiled, picked up her wine, and wandered into the crowd.

  I wondered why the hell everyone kept saying that. I let out the breath I was holding. Then I grabbed two beers and headed for the DJ booth.

  Ash was flipping through her books, sampling music with her headphones half on. She had her back to the door, and she knew it was me before she turned around. Reminded me of Mofet.

  “Here,” I said and handed her the beer.

  “Here,” she said and pushed a button.

  “Catherine” by PJ Harvey kicked on.

  “Nice one, DJ.” I nodded. “You heard about the bet.”

  “Baby, why did you put up the Chaser?”

  I threw my hands in the air. “I thought it was a sure thing. I must’ve had one too many dicks in my day, though. I’m off somehow.”

  “If you say ‘gaydar,’ I’ll have to ask you to leave the booth.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it. Seriously, though. Don’t you think she’s…?”

  “I wouldn’t push her out of bed.”

  “Popular vote.”

  “You bi girls have got too much selection.”

  “Tell me about it.”