Helluva Luxe

by Essary, Natalie

  “I have a date,” he said.

  “Well, hell, man! Why didn’t you say so? Get outta here. We can take the house.”

  He looked at me like he wasn’t sure, so I poured him another shot. Ash and Chance were both laughing in my ear.

  “Seriously, Zayzl. Go! Have a good time.”

  “Remind him to use a condom,” Chance mumbled. “Birth control, please. No mini-Zayzl’s. I can’t take it.”

  “No lie,” Ash said. “Did Mussolini have kids? Hitler? Pol Pot? Chance, give him that one you’ve been carrying around in your wallet since high school.”

  “Fuck you, DJ.”

  “Get in line.”

  Chapter 33

  I heard the hotel keycard beep through my headset, and I started to sweat. Chance was standing at the door to Kendol’s penthouse. No turning back now.

  “The hard part’s done,” Ash said in my head. “Remember, kid. Don’t swallow.”

  “Ash!” I almost lost my dinner.

  “I’m talking about party favors. If he makes you a drink, fake it. If he gives you pills, pocket them. I don’t wanna have to come kick down his fucking door. The first thing you need to do is find the third wheel. He knows you’re coming, but he doesn’t know who you are.”

  “There’s somebody else inside?” I said.

  “Yeah,” Ash said. “Kendol’s boyfriend.”

  There were several beats of silence. Ash watched me across the dance floor, waiting for my reaction.

  “You knew about this?” I asked.

  “Oh, yeah.” Her voice went chilly. “I’ve known for a while. But Lily doesn’t.”

  “Any other bombs you wanna drop, DJ?”

  “Nope. I like to keep them evenly spaced.”

  “Where’s your friend,” Chance said to Kendol.

  His voice was a notch lower than usual. It would’ve been funny if I weren’t scared. In fact, if Ash had told me there was another dude waiting there for Kendol to show up with my boy as a parting gift, I’d have used those pink cuffs to lock Chance to the cooler.

  “He’s in the bedroom,” Kendol said. Then he moved in closer to Chance. I could hear him breathing, and it made my stomach turn. “Why don’t you go rinse off? Last door at the end of the hall. Take your time. My plane doesn’t leave until six.”

  “Here,” Chance said. “Warm these up.”

  I heard the cling of metal.

  Kendol chuckled. “Well. Maybe you’ll surprise me yet.”

  “You have no idea.”

  “Speak off the cuff.” Ash had a huge grin on her face.

  “I can’t believe you’re cracking jokes, Ash,” I said.

  “Sure you can. Gimme my point.”

  We heard boots on tile, then a door closed, and a shower came on.

  “Laugh, Rorke,” Chance said. “It’s a fucking joke. I’m fine. Trust me.”

  I looked back up at Ash, and she nodded. “Nothing’s gonna happen to him. He’ll be in and out. You got everything on you?”

  “Are you kidding me, Ash? My whole lifetime worth of birthdays couldn’t top this envelope. I’ve been waiting to crack this baby open since you handed it over.”

  “You’ve got about five minutes until they start without you.”

  “You guys oughta see what’s behind his mirror…”

  “That’s profound,” Ash mumbled.

  “An arsenal of pills?” I guessed. “Dump it all in the toilet. But don’t flush so he can appreciate them later.”

  “Some of this stuff isn’t even for humans. Man, he’s gonna be pissed. I’m taking a picture of this, too.”

  I heard many plops. And a click.

  “Shut the shower off,” Ash said. “Somebody’s cuffed to the bed.”

  “Right on,” Chance said.

  “You bugged Kendol’s penthouse? Ash!”

  “No, I bugged Z. She found it and stuck it on the twink. Go now, Chance. Just open the door and start shooting. These two don’t have much stamina.”

  “Ew.” I didn’t want to imagine the kind of guy who would agree to be Kendol’s secret snack.

  I heard a door squeak.

  Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash.

  And then Chance said, “Holy shit!” This laugh rumbled up from his gut, and he couldn’t seem to shut it off once it started. “Damn, Zayzl! It’s even smaller than I thought.”

  Flash. Flash. Flash.

  Ash made the sound of a bomb dropping.

  “Mother fucker! The kid set me up!”

  “Really, Ken? What tipped you off?” That was Zayzl.

  “I do not need your bullshit sarcasm right now!”

  There was some struggle, some slamming around, a little bit of whimpering. It sounded like Kendol and Zayzl were fighting each other while Chance stood there laughing like Santa Claus.

  “You said he was one of us!” Zayzl again.

  “Obviously, he isn’t!” Kendol shrieked. “Do something!”

  “I’m the one cuffed to the bed!”

  “I don’t care! He’s got a fucking gun!”

  “I know he’s got a fucking gun!”

  My jaw hit the bar. “He’s got a fucking gun? Ash!”

  She looked completely relaxed. “Don’t worry. It’s loaded with blanks, baby.”

  BAM!

  “He shot my fucking lamp!”

  “Okay, so maybe the first one was real,” Ash said. “I told him to kill the most expensive thing in the room.”

  “I can’t believe you gave him a gun, Ash. Where did you get a gun? Never mind. Don’t answer that.”

  “We both have permits,” she said. “Relax, baby.”

  Now Kendol was really losing it. I could hear him panting. “That lamp cost more than your whole piece of shit car, you stupid punk!”

  “What did he just say?” A horn poked out the top of my head. “Did he say what I think he said?”

  “He’s talking about your car,” Ash said plainly. “Well, it was your car.”

  “Chance, shoot him. Shoot his sorry ass.”

  We heard some more scuffle and another click.

  Chance had finally stopped laughing. “I’ll just tie you both together with these straps here. This’ll be cool, right? For another three hours or so?” Chance said. “It’s a good thing you’ve got all these gadgets lying around, boys.” Then I heard something start to buzz.

  “He’s a fucking psycho!”

  “Do something, Zaz!”

  “Zaz?” That was Ash and Chance at the same time. Ash slapped her knee, and Chance started cracking up again.

  “Stop hitting me, Ken!”

  “Shut the fuck up. Both of you. Just shut up before I make your little willies even smaller.” The room got very quiet. “You don’t talk shit about my car, you hear me? I jumped through some fucking hoops to get that car. Now sit your bare asses down on your bazillion-count Egyptian sheets and look here at this envelope I have in my hand.”

  “Can you turn off the vibrators, please?”

  “No,” Chance said. “I cannot.”

  “He wants money,” Zayzl said. “Give him money, Ken.”

  “I don’t want your fucking money, and I’m about to bitch slap you with this gun. Zaz.”

  I heard the mystery envelope rustle.

  And then Chance said, “Well, hello there…”

  A moment of silence passed.

  “My, oh my,” Chance said. “You boys gotta see this. Not that it’s your thing, obviously. But…hot damn.”

  I looked up at the booth. Ash was shaking her head.

  Chance went on. “Do you see this picture I have in my hand?” I heard a deliberate rustle. “This was taken in the booth just a few hours ago. See Lily with my DJ, here? They look like they’re having a damn fine time, don’t they? The audio was just as good, lemme tell ya. I heard the whole thing, minus the grand finale. But you can see here, she’s close. Take a good hard look. This is how it was before you came along. Ken. And this is how it’s gonna be from now on. Do we
have an understanding, or should I kill some more of your décor?”

  I heard whimpering sounds. Chance continued.

  “The two of you are gonna get on that redeye in a few hours and never look back. Zaz, not that you need it with your sugar pussy here, but you’ll get a check in the mail for your part of the bar. I’ll just need you to sign this piece of paper.” I heard the envelope rustle again, and there was a long pause. “Dude, I will shoot your dick off if you don’t sign. The Luxe doesn’t want you anymore. After all the shit you’ve done to me, you’re lucky I haven’t shot you just for fun. Sign it!”

  I heard more whimpering. And another metallic click.

  “How many sets of cuffs does he have?” Ash was gone. She had a hand over her face, and her shoulders were shaking.

  “You can’t just leave us here like this,” Kendol said.

  “Oh, but I can. I have to drive my piece of shit car back to my bar now. I’ll put the keys to the cuffs next to what’s left of your lamp so you can spend the rest of the night trying to reach them before Wolf shows up to make sure you get on that plane. Remember Wolf?”

  Somebody started crying again.

  “You’re getting off easy,” Chance said. “Both of you sorry, lying bastards are getting off easy. Why can’t you just be yourselves and save us all a world of pain? Is it that hard? I’m not talking about your dicks. Seriously, you’re the reason gay dudes get a bad rap, you cowards. Haven’t you figured out it’s okay to be gay these days? Stay the fuck away from my bar. And stay even further from my family. I’ll be taking this nice roll of film here just to make sure you heard me. You heard me, right?”

  There was no sound, so I assumed they were both nodding.

  “Fair enough.”

  I heard the bedroom door close behind him, but then it opened again.

  “He’s not finished batting the bug he caught,” Ash said.

  “You know, I’m thinking I was a little harsh on you boys just now. You’ve got a long night ahead of you. The least I can do is make sure you’re comfortable.”

  I heard the sound of a CD changer whirring to life. “Damn, Zaz. You lucked out. Look at all this Depeche Mode. I know how you love Depeche Mode. Golly gee, there’s so many I can’t decide. It’s a shame Ash isn’t here to help me pick one. She loves Depeche Mode, too.”

  “Watch it, kid. You’re not the only one with a gun,” Ash mumbled.

  “Policy of Truth” came on, and Chance cranked it several notches. “I’ll just go ahead and hit repeat on this one track. That way you don’t have to worry about trying to get up, because you know you’re gonna wanna hear it again. Is that the stereo remote there on your nightstand, Ken?” BAM! “Au revoir, boys.”

  The door slammed and Ash started roaring.

  I looked up in the booth, and she was pumping her fist in the air like a sports fan. I felt like I might pass out. I waited to hear Chance fire up the Dragon, and then I slid down the cooler to the floor, dirty bar mats be damned.

  We were free. We were free, times two.

  Chapter 34

  Rorke stretched her leg up through the bubbles and dangled it over the edge of the tub. Her toes weren’t pruned. Neither were the fingers she used to rearrange her crazy dreadlocks. Every bit of flesh I hadn’t seen yet was still covered by bubbles. The water wasn’t even cold.

  “So,” I said. “Ash knew that Kendol was sneaking around with Zayzl.”

  She nodded and lit us a cigarette.

  “For how long?”

  “She knew Kendol was gay from go, and she knew Zayzl was hiding something, but it took her a while to add deux et deux. We all thought Zayzl was straight. Obviously. But Z said he hooked up with Kendol right after they brought Lily back from LA.”

  “So when Zayzl was with Chance’s sister, he was?”

  “Faking it.”

  “And Zombarbie knew about all of this?”

  “Kendol wouldn’t have been able to pull off any of his shenanigans without Z. She was his cover. Actually, she was more than that. Part of her gig as his publicist was to keep certain things from the public. She was responsible for transporting him from whatever obligation he had to whatever man he had waiting. Sometimes that also involved the removal of the beard he was wearing for the night. Z said some of his leftovers were delicious.” Rorke shook her head. “The arrangement sounds very convenient. Until somebody gets bored.”

  “I wanted to beat his ass with that walking stick the second I saw him,” I mumbled. Then I thought, Whoops.

  Rorke’s eyes narrowed, but she let the comment go.

  She went on. “Evidently, Kendol had a sailor at every port. And lots of pretty decoys just like Lily. When his affairs with the girls he photographed weren’t smokescreen enough for the press, he fired up the incest rumor with Z. His mistake was that he thought people cared. He exerted a lot of energy keeping his closet door locked, and nobody would’ve given a shit except his ancient parents who weren’t around anyway. And while we’re on the subject, nobody would’ve given a shit if he was hot for his sister, either. We’ve all seen Cruel Intentions.

  “Unfortunately, Z fell in love with him. In her defense, it’s tricky not to love a man who can make you feel like a siren. But in the end, she realized he was always going to be using her in one way or another, and she got tired. She was already spending a lot of time with Lily because Kendol dumped them together when he snuck off to meet Zayzl. And all Lily ever talked about was the bar, and her family, and how perfect everything was. Z listened. She was ready for Ash’s offer when it came.”

  “But I still don’t get it, Rorke. If Ash knew Kendol was cheating on Lily, why did she let it go on for so long? Why didn’t she say something?”

  “That’s just her style. Ash is clever, careful, and above all, she’s patient. She wanted proof. She never believed for a second that Lily’s relationship with Kendol was physical, so when she found out the other woman was Zayzl, she saw her opportunity to really clean house.”

  “She wasn’t afraid she’d end up losing?”

  “In the beginning, yeah. I know she was scared. But that was before she really started paying attention.”

  “How’d she pin Zayzl?”

  “Zayzl slipped up trying to impress Kendol. He wanted to prove he could party with the playboys, but he didn’t know anybody to buy from who’d keep their mouth shut. He couldn’t take any risks as a club owner, so he got desperate and went to Ash.”

  “Because everyone assumes DJs know where to get the good shit.”

  “Well, usually, they do. She agreed to find him drugs, because she wanted him at a disadvantage. And he amped up his bad attitude toward her so nobody would suspect anything. She knew it was only a matter of time before he slipped up.”

  “What was he into? Heroin? Ice? No, wait. Coke?”

  “Vitamin B and caffeine.”

  I started laughing. “She made a fucking profit.”

  “Pretty cool, huh? She donated all the money to the Gay Youth Alliance downtown. In Zayzl’s name.”

  “I hope you have a plaque hanging in the office.”

  “Oh, it’s huge.” She grinned.

  “He didn’t figure it out?”

  She rolled her eyes, which meant of course he didn’t figure it out. Then she stood up and all her bubbles stayed in place.

  “Come on, Salem. I’m starved. Wanna see my digs?”

  I couldn’t even answer her. I was concentrating on keeping my eyes on her face.

  She grabbed a towel and covered up the goods. “You’re a cat person, right?”

  “Um.”

  “Don’t worry, baby. I’m the one who bites,” she said and walked out of the room.

  I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist.

  I heard her rummaging around in the laundry room, and then she reappeared. She put one hand on the doorframe like a ’60s pinup model and held out a long, black satin smoking jacket with the other. It was badass. So badass it smelled like firewood an
d had a thin red lining covered with skull and crossbones. I took it from her and slid it on. She was looking at me like I was bacon.

  “I left this at home,” I said.

  She grinned at my chest. I got the feeling she wasn’t hearing me. “My eyes are up here, woman.”

  She bit her lip and looked up at me.

  “I left it hanging on my bedroom door, Rorke. I didn’t pack this robe.” I stuck my hand in the pocket and pulled out one of my lighters and a mint from takeout Chinese.

  “Hmm,” was all she said. Then she ran one hand up my bare chest and snitched my mint with the other. She popped it in her mouth and padded off to the kitchen in her towel.

  “I’m on to you,” I called after her. “Every time something odd happens around here you think you can remind me how hot you like it, and I’ll forget to ask questions. Right?”

  She didn’t answer me, so I followed her. She was rummaging through the spice cabinet. She found what she wanted, turned, and slid her hand into the pocket of my robe. Evidently, the pockets were much deeper than I remember. The left side of my body caught fire.

  “Cayenne pepper, Salem. You reminded me how hot I like it.”

  I just shook my head.

  “Come on. Let’s get outta here.”

  She grinned and started walking back toward the laundry room instead of the front door. I followed her because I thought maybe she had some more of my shit stashed back there. Instead, she pressed a button on the washer, and the wall slid open.

  “What the devil,” I mumbled.

  “The delicate setting on the washer is useless.”

  “Seems the normal one is, too.”

  We stood there, staring through the open door. The world I saw on the other side could only be described as a lair.

  “Did you sneak into my room and make a sandwich while I was sleeping on the couch?”

  “Among other things.” She smirked. “Come on. Time to meet the lady of the house.”

  I stepped down from the laundry room into a deep red cave, and the door slid closed behind me. The rock became seamless, like there was no way out but forward.