by Kyra Lennon
Ha. You can’t even take care of yourself.
The voice in my head sounded a lot like Taylor’s and I dug deep to locate some inner strength to push her away.
“Come on,” I said, softly. “We should go in. Freya’s waiting for us.”
The four of us - holding hands - made our way towards the apartment building’s entrance. Leah still had a key from when she lived there, and with a shaky hand, she let us in. In silence, we walked up the stairs and Freya’s door opened just as we got there.
Richard stepped out into the hallway, then paused and scrubbed his hands over his face.
“Hey.” He rolled his shoulders to release some tension. “It was good of you guys to come over.”
“Freya’s mom called and said she needed us,” Leah told him. “How is she?”
Richard shook his head. “I’ve never seen her like this before. She’s not speaking right now. She hasn’t spoken a word for hours. I’ve been here since five, after I got the call. I have to go now to see Will’s parents. I can’t think of anything I want to do less.”
Jude stepped up and gave him a supportive, slightly awkward, pat on the back. “You should go home and rest before you see them. Give yourself a break.”
“I can’t, Jude. I can’t stop until this is done because if I do… I just don’t want to think until I’ve done everything I have to do.”
Once, Jude told me the reason Richard was such a great manager was because he stayed calm under pressure, and no matter what happened he always put other people first. In that second I saw for myself how right he was. Richard’s shoulders sagged, his eyes lacked their usual fire. He wanted to go home and cry for his lost colleague, I knew it. Instead he had to do something way tougher.
“Jude, why don’t you go with Richard?”
The words didn’t come because I wanted to be away from Jude this time. They came from a place that felt more like me. Well, me before my meltdown over work and Jesse and everything else. Richard needed someone to talk to, Jude needed to feel useful, and I had to get my crap together and be a good friend to Freya.
Jude looked down at me and as our eyes connected the first flicker of normality flared between us. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I’m sure. I’ll be okay here, we’re all together. Richard shouldn’t be the only person alone today.”
Richard gave me a grateful smile and Radleigh rested his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll be here for Bree. She’s right. You should go with Richard.”
Jude hesitated only for a second before leaning in and planting a kiss on my cheek; a kiss I actually felt and didn’t want to rub away. “Okay. I’ll call you later when we’re headed back.”
As Jude and Richard left, Leah, Radleigh and I took in a collective breath before entering Freya’s apartment.
Flowers. As early as it was, someone had already brought Freya flowers. The scent triggered another memory. After my dad died, everyone sent flowers. Flowers of all varieties and smells. Flowers don’t last forever. When they start to wilt and die, and the water gets gross, the stench is disgusting. Kinda fitting, I guess, that dying flowers remind me of death. They’re a visual representation of the person being mourned. Beautiful while alive; gone too soon, leaving behind the memory of what used to be.
I scrunched up my nose, trying to block the memory out, and Leah reached for my hand again as we headed towards the sound of voices in the living room.
Freya sat on the edge of the sofa, slightly hunched over, staring straight ahead at the glass doors. Her mom sat beside her, and her sister and a guy I didn’t recognise spoke softly together in the corner. Miguel watched Freya with concern from his spot on the floor in front of the television, and Bryce – whose car I hadn’t seen outside – leaned against the wall by the doors also keeping a close watch on Freya.
Freya’s mom rose from her seat as she spotted us. She had dark circles under her eyes and I realised she’d probably been there since the middle of the night, trying as best as she could to be there for her youngest daughter.
“Thanks for coming,” she said, attempting a smile. “Can I get you a drink?”
Radleigh shook his head. “Sit down. I’ll make the drinks.”
Mrs Phillips patted his arm and before he had a chance to head to the kitchen, Freya turned her head. When she saw us a single tear trickled from the corner of her eye.
“Please,” she said, her voice croaky. “Can you all please leave? I only want Leah and Bree right now.”
Glances were exchanged between everyone in the room before they slowly moved from the positions they’d been in for maybe hours and filtered out to the hallway. Mrs Phillips kissed the top of Freya’s head before leaving us alone.
As soon as the door closed, Freya lowered her head and let out a gut-wrenching sob that shattered my calmness into a million pieces. Please don’t let her be like Mom. Please don’t let the light leave her eyes. Freya bowed her head, trembling, and Leah and I rushed to her side, enveloping her in our arms.
Holding her tightly like we were trying to hold her together, I let my own tears fall onto her hair. On Freya’s opposite side Leah did the same, the three of us a huge mess of grief. My stomach and heart ached in a way I hoped never to experience again. However much I hurt wasn’t even a fraction of how much Freya hurt. Tiny bits of my best friend fell away with every tear she cried and no matter how hard we hugged her and how many kind words we spoke, it’d all bounce right off her.
“Freya, I’m so sorry,” Leah choked out. “I wish I had something better to say, but that’s what it comes back to. I’m sorry.”
“People keep saying that.” Freya’s voice was hoarse and weak. “I don’t even understand what’s happening. Yesterday I had everything. Now… I have nothing.”
Leah opened her mouth to refute what she’d said. I caught her eye and gave a single shake of my head. Not because I didn’t want Freya to be reminded of the things she still had going for her. But because I understood those things didn’t matter at that moment. She already knew her friends would do everything to help her. More than anything she needed people to be around her. To wait, to listen. To sit beside her and hold her. In the coming days and weeks she’d hear every cliché thing people always say when someone dies. ‘At least he didn’t suffer,’ ‘He’s gone to a better place’, ‘Cheer up, he wouldn’t want to see you so upset.’ There’s nothing wrong with those words; the sentiments behind them are always full of good intentions. When you’re the one hearing them, though, you just have to smile and nod, understanding they don’t mean to say the wrong thing, but really? Even if he didn’t suffer he’s still dead, and how could there be a better place for him than with the woman he loved?
“What do you need?” I asked, gently. “Right now, what is the best thing we could do for you?”
“Sit with me. Stay here and keep everyone else out for a while. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the looks of sympathy.” Freya wiped at her eyes then snuggled herself between Leah and I again. “I appreciate everyone being here, but those looks. It’s like hearing the news being broken over and over. I just want to be with you and be free to say what I want, or to say nothing, or to scream and shout and…”
Her words trailed off as she squeezed her eyes closed and let her head fall onto Leah’s shoulder.
“Okay,” I said, holding her hand. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”
Chapter 10 – I Just Want To Feel Something Real
We stayed with Freya for a couple of hours, none of us moving and barely speaking until her mom couldn’t stand it anymore and gently knocked on the door to find out if she could come back in yet. Freya needed to sleep and even though she wouldn’t, she went to her room to pretend to nap.
Leah, Radleigh and I left shortly after. None of us had had breakfast before we rushed to Freya’s place, so Radleigh treated us to brunch at one of the cafes on the beach. Strange to see surfers and early morning swimmers chatting and laughing, when all we wanted to do was s
it in our own miserable silence. Weird how the world carried on, unaware of what we’d lost. I envied them. Envied their lack of pain. They obviously hadn’t lost anyone or anything through the storm, they were just happy the surf conditions were good.
“I can’t eat this.” Leah dropped her fork down on top of her barely eaten pancakes and ran a hand through her hair. Her cheeks were streaked with tear tracks. She’d only stopped crying when we walked into the café, when she felt forced to pull herself together.
“Please try,” Radleigh said. He hadn’t eaten much himself which proved two things to me. Firstly, he was desperately worried about Leah, and secondly, the news of Will’s death hit him hard, too. Even though the two guys never liked each other much, it was an indication of how well-respected Will was that Radleigh had gotten so affected.
“I don’t want it. I’ll eat later. I feel too sick right now.”
Radleigh looked to me for support, and I shrugged. Just because I stuffed myself with food when I was upset, didn’t mean everyone was the same way. I supposed that explained why I had to work out so hard to keep my hips under control and Leah… didn’t.
“Leah, come on,” he said. “How are you gonna take care of Freya if you aren’t taking care of yourself?”
Leah reached across the table for his hand. “I know I have to eat. I just don’t think I can keep anything down yet.”
Radleigh threaded his fingers through hers. “Fine. But I’m not gonna stop nagging you.”
Leah’s phone began to ring and she untangled her fingers from Radleigh’s and rummaged in her purse for her cell. “It’s Jesse.” She glanced at Radleigh, then at me. “Do you think he knows?”
The mention of Jesse’s name sent me reeling back to the night before, which suddenly felt like years ago. I hadn’t thought about him, or anything except Freya’s devastation. I’d even blocked out my own freaky memories because I didn’t want to remember. Didn’t want to feel anymore.
A larger part of me still didn’t feel, not for myself anyway. Only for Freya, and Jude, and Leah.
“He must know,” Radleigh said. “I think Richard called everyone first thing.”
Leah shrugged and answered. “Hi, Jesse.”
I cast my eyes down to what was left of my pancakes, stabbing gently at them with my fork.
“Yeah, we’ve been at Freya’s most of this morning,” Leah said then her voice wobbled as she added, “not good. She’s quiet, and broken, and kind of lost… Not right now, but you should call her later, she’ll appreciate it. How are you doing?”
I tuned out of the one side of the conversation I could hear, until Leah spoke my name.
“Oh,” she said. “One second, she’s here.”
Leah covered her hand over the mouthpiece and tapped me on the shoulder. “Jesse says he’s been calling you.”
I hadn’t heard my phone all morning and my purse hadn’t left my side. I bent down and reached inside. Oh right. I left it on silent after I ran away from Jesse. In the rush to get to Freya I’d picked my cell up without turning the ringer back on.
Ten missed calls.
Normally, I’d have taken Leah’s phone from her and gushed an apology but I hadn’t worked up enough courage to talk to Jesse yet. If I had heard the calls I probably wouldn’t have answered.
“Bree? Do you want to speak to him now?”
I frantically shook my head, my eyes wide with panic. Leah gave me a puzzled glance then removed her hand from the mouthpiece and said, “She’s a little upset at the moment, Jesse. I’ll tell her to call you later… Sure… Okay… Bye, Jesse.”
The second Leah hung up she turned to me. “Okay, what’s going on? You and Jesse have been inseparable since his accident. Why don’t you want to talk to him?”
“It’s nothing,” I mumbled, looking away from her.
“It’s not nothing. What happened?”
“Leah, come on. You don’t want to eat and I don’t want to talk about this.”
I focused my attention on some of the latest surf dudes walking through the doors with wet hair, their boards tucked under their arms. Again, I wished I felt the way they did. Carefree and totally chilled.
“Jesse said he needs to speak to you and also that it’s not about what happened last night.”
Oh, Jesse. I appreciated him trying to put my mind at ease but mentioning that something had happened landed me right in it. Leah would never let this go now.
I turned to face her again. “I want to tell you. I’m just not sure what to say. Things haven’t been so good lately. Actually, everything’s been… crappy.”
Sort of an understatement. Crappy is when your car breaks down. I’d gotten myself stuck in a rut I didn’t know how to get out of, with a husband who wasn’t listening, and a head full of questions about what I wanted from my life. How would I even start to explain? Where would I start?
“Is this girl talk again?” Radleigh asked. “Do you need me to leave?”
“No. Nothing I have to say is more important than Freya, and that’s who we should be focusing on now.”
One thing Leah always did well was know when to quit. I had some stuff to think through before I could talk so she stopped pushing. Instead, she reached over and gave me a hug. Aside from Jude’s. Leah’s hugs were my favourites. She didn’t do that lame half-hug crap, she wrapped me up and held me firmly.
“Call me when you’re ready, okay?”
“I will.”
I had to tackle the conversation with Jesse next. Jude hadn’t called to say he was on his way back yet so I left Leah and Radleigh and drove home. They were headed back to Freya’s for a while, and I promised I’d join them later.
After I’d had the conversation I’d been dreading.
Once inside, I didn’t give myself time to wimp out. I grabbed my phone and dialled Jesse’s number, breath held while I waited.
“Bree.” He let out a sigh of relief. “I was about five minutes away from asking my mom to drive me to your house.”
“I didn’t hear my phone before. I’m sorry.”
“Are you okay? You scared the hell out of me when you ran out yesterday.”
Nothing sounded different in his voice. He still sounded like Jesse, although a touch more serious under the circumstances. But he didn’t sound awkward like I’d expected.
“I’m okay,” I said. “Well… sort of. As okay as I can be after...”
“Leah said you were at Freya’s before.”
“Yeah. A bunch of us were. She didn’t want to talk or anything, though. Are you… how are you doing?”
“Not so good. I have something to tell you and after what happened yesterday, I don’t know how you’re going to react. I need to talk to everyone else, too, but I thought you should be the first person to find out.”
Dread bubbled in my stomach. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
“What is it?”
“There was an accident at the end of my road late last night, a little after midnight. We didn’t leave the house but we saw the flashing lights from ambulance and the police cars. Someone got trapped under a huge tree branch. We actually heard the crack when it fell. The person underneath was taken to hospital but the injuries were too bad. Bree, it was Taylor. Her mom came to the house to tell me.”
I fell backwards onto the stairs, trying to stop the room swimming in front of me. First Will, now Taylor?
“I… Did you… What?”
I saw her. A few hours before, I talked to her and she laughed at me. I hit her. Did I contribute to her death? Maybe after I slapped her, she got so upset she… No. I left hours before midnight. And she didn’t seem upset. At all. She must have just parked farther up the road where she wouldn’t have even been able to view Jesse’s house properly, unless she had night vision goggles or binoculars, which honestly wouldn’t have surprised me. God, what was she doing there? After I left, why would she stay? Jesse was never going to leave his house at that time of night in a storm.
Another piece of the disjointed jigsaw in my brain flipped over, fell away. I wanted to flip all the pieces over so I didn’t have to look at the messed up picture I’d created for myself.
Friends dead. Confused about my marriage. Confused about my whole life.
“I don’t even know how to feel, Bree. Aren’t I supposed to be sad? She used to be my girlfriend. I loved her once.”
He should have felt relief. That was the first emotion emerging within me until I squashed it down, because what kind of person is relieved to find out someone’s dead? That would make me a terrible person.
But Taylor wasn’t a good person, either.
“Jesse…I… Thank you for telling me first. I don’t know how to feel either.”
I just want to feel something real. Something to show me I’m not a horrible, selfish bitch.
“There’s more,” Jesse said. “I felt like such an asshole because her mom was here, devastated, and I think she wanted to… I guess be near the last place Taylor was alive. And I just wanted her to go away. She gave me something of Taylor’s and I need you to have it. I don’t want it, and you probably don’t either, but I can’t bring myself to throw it away.”
“What did she give you?”
“A journal. I think Taylor’s mom was trying to apologise for what Taylor did. She said there are things in the journal she thought I should see.”
“Why would she immediately think to look in her daughter’s journal? I mean, that’s kind of weird.”
And sort of morbid. Shouldn’t she have been calling relatives and… stuff?
“Well, Taylor was kind of weird. It had to come from somewhere.”
I chuckled, instantly guilty for laughing at such a time until Jesse did the same at the other end of the line.
“Sorry,” he said. “That was wrong.”
“True, though. But wrong.”
“Her mom was probably searching for answers. I don’t know if she knew Taylor had been stalking me or Radleigh. I don’t even care. I just don’t want this book in my house. Will you come get it?”
“Now?”
