by Kyra Lennon
I hadn’t prepared myself to see Jesse for a while. The phone call was going well, but I couldn’t see him through my cell. Face to face scared me.
“I’d appreciate it,” he said. “And if you want to avoid me, I won’t actually be here. Now I don’t have to come bug you at your place, Mom’s taking Kayla and me out to get ingredients. We’re gonna cook up a few dinners for Freya so she can heat them up when she’s ready. I can’t imagine she feels like cooking right now.”
A familiar rush of warmth filled me. He wanted to bring Freya something practical and useful, not flowers that would wither up and die. Also, Jesse understanding I wasn’t ready to see him made the answer so much easier. Everyone else wanted to talk. Everyone except me. I wanted to stop the world, make the spinning stop so I could find my feet again.
“I’ll come get the journal.”
Chapter 11 – That Girl Really Loved To Write
In between picking up Taylor’s journal and heading to my favourite thinking spot, Jude called me and said he and Richard were done at Will’s parents’ house and they’d be on their way back after a quick bite to eat.
I had roughly two hours to untangle the mess in my mind, and decide if I wanted to read Taylor’s journal.
Two hours wouldn’t be enough to figure everything out but I had to start somewhere.
After parking the car, I strolled towards the beach, holding the journal close to my chest. The breeze blew my hair as I stepped onto the soft sand, no real destination in mind. I just needed to be close to the water. I needed my thoughts to be as free as the waves, rolling and crashing until they rushed in to meet the sand, bubbling gently before drifting away, less turbulent, a lot more calm.
I walked until I reached Genie’s and a knot formed inside me at the sight of the familiar building. That was the last place I saw Will.
I had to live with knowing the last thing I ever said to him was ‘Go to hell’. Tears spilled down my cheeks because maybe he didn’t know how much I cared about him. Maybe he took my words to heart and died thinking I hated him. The thought made my insides scream in pain. I wanted to hit the rewind button on life and change almost everything I’d said and done in the last few weeks.
Genie’s, the place that once promised fun and the creation of great memories, had turned into a place that made me sick to look at. The same wooden tables sat out front, still as welcoming as always. The sign above the door, purposely tilted at a slight angle, didn’t pull me in this time. I kept walking, head down, as far as the next café where I ordered a coffee and slunk away to the corner away from the few people having afternoon drinks.
I placed Taylor’s journal on the table and let out a sigh. The front cover had bright coloured cats all over. If I’d kept a journal I’d probably have had something similar – fun and slightly juvenile. Not the kind of book I’d have expected Taylor to own. Too jazzy and cute to hold the thoughts of a monster.
My hand hovered over the cover for a second then turned over to see the first page. Taylor’s handwriting, girly and curly, met my eyes. Too innocent for someone who did the things she did.
I didn’t read right away. I picked up the book with both hands and flipped through the pages. Now and again, I’d spot my name, or Jesse’s name. I didn’t want to know what she wrote about me. Not that I couldn’t guess.
When I saw Radleigh’s name, I finally halted my frantic flipping and paused to read:
I don’t get it. Radleigh could literally have any woman he wants so why is he chasing that English girl around? She’s not so special. She’s got a cute figure and a pretty face, but so what? Loads of girls have. Nothing makes her any better than me, or any other girl who wants him. And she’s obviously an idiot. She knocks him back over and over – she has to be missing a few brain cells. I would treat him so much better, hell I would sell my own mother to get in his pants.
I flipped a few more pages:
How could he turn me down???? I mean, seriously??? What’s wrong with him?! No guy ever turns me down. Ever. And he said I acted desperate!! Me! I am not desperate, I’m mad. Radleigh McCoy is a dick.
Page after page chronicled how she schemed and plotted to take Radleigh down. Even though she didn’t do exactly as she intended, she still triggered a chain of events that caused pain to a lot of people. Most interestingly, Jesse didn’t get a single mention on those pages even though she’d paraded around with him as if she loved him.
My insides burned. I’d hoped I might find a hint she wasn’t as bad as I thought. Why else would Taylor’s mom have wanted Jesse to have her journal? Why would she think he’d want to confirm he dated a psycho?
Spurred on, desperate to find something to prove me right, I turned over more pages, scanning for Jesse’s name.
Almost at the end of the journal I found what I’d been searching for.
I went to see Bree today. We went to Genie’s and she told me some stuff about her marriage going down the crapper and that she has feelings for JESSE!!!! MY Jesse!! That is like, the stupidest thing I ever heard. I thought she was into older guys like her ancient husband. Now she’s decided to go from grave-robbing to cradle-snatching. So I did something real bitchy. I told her to go for it. I mean, if she’s so ungrateful for her huge house and all those clothes and shoes, and the cool places she gets to go with the team, she doesn’t deserve any of it. Jesse will NEVER go for her, not because she’s not freaking perfect because she is, but because he has a new girlfriend. He’s loyal. Bree will fall flat on her face. She’ll lose Jesse, and she’ll lose Jude because she won’t be able to figure out how to keep it all together. She needs my influence. Without me, she’s just a Barbie doll. All boobs and no brain. If anyone could lure him away from that British girl, it’s me. He used to be in love with me, and maybe if I do this right, I can get him to remember. Get him to love me again. I need to stay close so he doesn’t forget me. If I keep working on Kayla I think I can get her to help me.
Let me tell you a little secret. I actually always liked Bree. She and Jesse were the only two people who made me feel welcome amongst all those superior, snooty soccer players, and wives and girlfriends. But Bree is not the smartest person in the world. I can understand why she’d fall for Jesse. Who wouldn’t? He’s so sweet and hot, and he’s an amazing kisser – not that she’ll ever find out. She has a husband, though. He may be old but Jude’s pretty cute, I guess. And rich. And she wants to throw it away because of some dumb thing she wants to do that Jude won’t let her.
Well, who am I to stop her? If she wants to dig herself into a hole, I’ve handed her the shovel.
Wow. So it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. I could have lived without her attacking me – again. Her thoughts about Jesse weren’t even that complimentary, and certainly not worth Taylor’s mom giving him the journal to read. Unless I’d missed it in the pages I skipped. Even if I had, I didn’t care to read anymore.
And she wants to throw it away because of some dumb thing she wants to do that Jude won’t let her.
Those words were my biggest fear. That everyone would view me the same way Taylor did. Spoiled and bratty.
Jesse didn’t see me that way. I didn’t give any of my other friends a chance to form an opinion.
Some dumb thing.
How come it seemed like forever ago the most important thing to me was training to become a make-up artist? With Will gone it seemed dumb in comparison.
I snapped the book shut and closed my eyes, trying to keep the tears firmly behind my eyelids. They stung, demanding release. Without finishing my coffee I picked up the journal and ran out of the café, back onto the beach. My feet pounded on the sand, running harder and harder, heart thumping out of my chest, lungs burning until I tripped and crashed to the ground. Taylor’s journal flew out of my hands. Shuffling forwards, I grabbed it then stood and continued running, this time towards the water.
Tears streamed down my face as I opened the book and tore at the pages, ripping them out then casting Ta
ylor’s poison into the ocean. Page after page got tossed around in the waves, the ink running, turning every nasty, bitter word into nothing more than a blur. When the last pages had gone, I lifted my arm up and back and cast the empty shell of the journal into the sea before falling to my knees. The pain I hadn’t been able to feel when I first heard Will was dead poured out of me. And not only grief for him, grief for Freya and everyone on the team who had lost a friend and a colleague. Grief for Taylor because nobody deserves to die so young.
Grief for myself.
I saw it, over and over again. Dad dying. Mom dead. Nightmares. Me screaming.
Once I got carted off to my first foster home, I’d shut out the memories of my real family as best as I could. I remained sunny, positive and upbeat. Too bad my first foster family were assholes who preferred me to stay in my room “out of the way”. I never forgot my parents, of course. I couldn’t, they visited me in nightmares nearly every night for more than a year. And even though they became less over time, they didn’t stop completely until… Jude.
Jude was my person. My safe place. My family.
He built a new family for me and for the first time in years I wasn’t afraid to love them because I wouldn’t be staying for long, or because I knew they didn’t really want me. The family Jude gave me was solid.
Why did it take the death of a friend and the vile ramblings of a crazy teenager to make me realise what was important? I’d have found my way eventually. I’d just got lost in my own head, and in my own concerns about how life should be.
I waited for my sobs to ease then stood, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. I wasn’t done processing, not even close. I’d made a small start and I didn’t feel like a heartless zombie anymore so I chalked it up as a win.
“Bree.”
At first I thought I’d imagined Jude’s voice over the sound of the waves that had me mesmerised. His hand on my shoulder told me otherwise.
“It’s funny, isn’t it?” I said. “On TV and in the movies, everyone always goes to the beach when they want to think.”
Gently massaging my shoulders, Jude said, “I guess. Never thought about it, I just knew this is where you would be.”
“You know me too well.”
“Yeah. I do.”
I slowly turned to face him, the ocean breeze whipping my hair around my face. Jude tucked the flyaway strands behind my ear and smiled sadly.
“How did things go with Will’s parents?”
“Not great. Will’s mom blames herself. She says if it weren’t for her surgery, Will wouldn’t have been out in the storm. She’s inconsolable, and scared to talk to Freya in case she blames her, too.”
“Freya would never blame her. She loves Will’s mom.”
“I know. Richard did his best to talk to her, and to Will’s dad, but… they’ve just lost their son. Richard was a mess on the way home. He wanted to go back to Freya’s but I made him promise to go right home after he dropped me off. I’d like to go see her soon, though.”
I nodded. “Me too.”
“You wanna walk?”
“Sure.”
When Jude’s fingers closed around mine, the warmth made my fingers tingle. That’s more like it. We began a slow walk in the direction of Freya’s apartment, and I quickly gathered up the tiny pieces of my fragmented mind I’d slotted together, checking they were in place for real so I didn’t mess up my words.
“While you were gone today, Jesse called me,” I began. “Will wasn’t the only person not to survive the storm.”
Jude stopped me, panic in his eyes. “What happened? Was it someone in his family?”
“No. Taylor. Taylor died last night.”
Jude reached out for me, like he needed to steady himself and I held onto him until he’d regained his balance. Our reactions to the news were pretty much identical. I had a sneaking suspicion he felt the way I did at first, too. Shock, relief. Guilt for feeling relieved.
“Taylor? Taylor’s dead?”
“Yeah. She was at the end of Jesse’s road. I have no idea why, I guess she was stalking again.”
“Huh. Well at least she died doing something she loved.”
My mouth dropped open for a second and Jude clasped his hand over his own mouth. “I can’t believe I said that.” His words came out distorted since he spoke through his fingers, surprised by the words he’d said.
“Me either.”
A laugh, a totally inappropriate laugh, burst out of me so hard my shoulders shook. Taylor’s death wasn’t funny at all. Jude’s comment was so out-of-character-insensitive, I couldn’t stop the giggles. After a second Jude laughed too and we didn’t try to move or speak until we’d stopped. I couldn’t recall the last time we’d done this. Laughed together to the point of tears. We used to do it a lot. When I got to know him first as a friend, and for most of our marriage, there were always silly things that had us cracking up.
I needed that bad. If only for a moment it felt so good to release some tension.
I wanted to tell him the rest. How confused I’d been and why I acted the way I did. After the laughter, I didn’t want to break the mood yet. Our serious talk could wait a little longer.
When we were done laughing and we’d put our serious faces back on, Jude took my hands again.
“Come on, honey. Let’s go take care of Freya.”
Nothing much had changed at Freya’s which was weird because for me, everything seemed different. I’d begun to re-connect with Jude, and most importantly, with myself. With what I had. None of those things took away from my grief over Will, but the bubble I’d been living in had burst. I didn’t feel like a stranger in my own life anymore. In some ways it might have been welcome to stay in my zombie-like state. There’s no pain when you’re so distant. But you also don’t feel love. That was the one emotion surrounding all of us at Freya’s apartment. It bonded us. Freya’s family and friends came together because they loved her, and they loved Will. As people drifted in and out, offering a kind word and even more flowers, we cast understanding, grateful glances at each other. I had no idea if Freya was aware of how many people had passed through her apartment. She thanked them, forced smiles, and put on a much braver front than she had earlier but she wasn’t entirely present and the people who knew her best weren’t fooled by her act. She kept it together but any time she thought nobody was looking, the façade slipped. Her eyes dimmed, her shoulders sagged, and she became the living embodiment of heartbreak. Jude and I stayed for a couple of hours but there was nothing we could do for her. There were too many visitors and she wouldn’t talk with so many around. Before we left I promised I’d be back the next day, and told her to call if she needed me. So lame in light of what she was going through but there wasn’t anything else I could offer. If turning back time to get Will back was an option, I’d have done so in a heartbeat.
Exhaustion crept over me on the drive home, and beside me, Jude tried to stifle his own yawns. I couldn’t wait to get into the house, order a takeout, and snuggle with my man.
Apparently, someone had other plans for me.
As we pulled into our driveway, I spotted Kayla standing by the front door, arms folded, head down. Her bike leaned against the wall beside her.
“Were you expecting Kayla?” Jude asked, as he stopped the car.
“No. Jesse said they were spending the afternoon cooking and then taking some food over to Freya’s.”
Kayla lifted her head and right away a chill ran through me. That wasn’t the face of the girl I’d spent a morning modelling with. Her cheeks were tear-stained and her eyes were dark.
“That is one pissed off teenager.”
I’d never seen Kayla so mad before and nerves took hold of me. I couldn’t even begin to guess what had made her so angry, especially on a non-school day she’d spent with her brother.
Jude and I got out of the car, and Kayla straightened.
“Hey honey, what’s up?”
Kayla pulled an envelope o
ut of her pocket and held it up in the air without explanation. Didn’t need to explain. I was close enough to realise the handwriting belonged to Taylor.
That girl really loved to write.
“What does it say?” I asked, letting out a weary sigh. I’d read enough of Taylor’s ramblings to last a lifetime.
Kayla eyed Jude like she wished he’d disappear. Instead of being offended he gave her a small grin. “Come on in. I’ll make you both a drink then get out of your way.”
True to his word, Jude made hot chocolate for us before leaving us alone. We sat at the kitchen table, holding our mugs and watching the steam rise in swirls. I didn’t want to ask about Taylor’s letter. I wanted to fling it out to sea like I did with her journal. Whatever was inside had caused Kayla to rush to my house and hurt her enough to make her cry.
“What happened today, Kayla?”
She slid the envelope across the table. “I found this in the mailbox. Taylor must have mailed it yesterday, before-” Kayla paused. “Before.”
“You really want me to read this, huh?”
“Yeah. I need to know if the things she said are true, and then I have one more thing to ask. But read first.”
If Kayla was a little older and I thought she’d understand, I’d have refused, and explained all the reasons why I didn’t want to hear anything else from Taylor. Her green eyes, wide with desperation, wouldn’t let me back away. I loved her too much to ignore something that obviously meant so much to her.
I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter, holding my breath, braced to read more unflattering words about me.
My eyes scanned over the writing, chest tightening with every word. Everything I’d told her in confidence about my past had been laid out on the page but with some major Taylor-style embellishments, including how I’d stolen money from my foster families, lived on the streets as a hooker, and how I met Jude while trying to steal his car, but he felt sorry for me so he took me in instead of handing me over to the cops. She conveniently left out the part where two guys tried to rape me.
