by Kyra Lennon
Jesse gave me a small grin. “I know you’re trying to think of the right words to say but I don’t need them. I know you’re sorry and I understand what you were going through when you tried to kiss me. I’m cool with pretending it never happened.”
That smile. The smile of one of my favourite people. I melted a little. Not in an OMG-I-think-I-love-him way. In an I’m-so-lucky-to-have-him-in-my-life kind of way.
“Thanks, Jesse. I really am sorry.”
“Stop. Doesn’t matter. We’re good. And before I forget.” Jesse wriggled one of his hands free from his crutches and reached into the inside pocket of his jacket. “I have something for you. This is from Kayla. She says she’s sorry she couldn’t give it to you herself, but she wants you to have it.”
He pulled out a long, flowing piece of material. Kayla’s giraffe scarf. The one I’d been ready to fight her for.
“Isn’t that the scarf you bought her for Christmas?” I asked.
“Yeah. She said you loved it when you did that photo shoot thing and she thought it might be comforting for you. I promised to buy her a new one for her birthday.”
“Are you sure?” I fingered the delicate material, tears filling my eyes. How could anyone blame me for becoming so attached to such a generous, sweet family?
“I’m sure. We both are.”
“Thank you.”
I wound the scarf around me; it still smelled sweet, like Kayla’s perfume. She was right. It did comfort me.
“Hey.”
Jude touched my shoulder and the tension rose slightly, his eyes flicking between Jesse and me. He’d obviously seen Jesse give me the scarf and my heart rate kicked up again. This was exactly what we didn’t need, for him to get the wrong idea.
“Jesse just-”
“I heard,” Jude interrupted. “It’s from Kayla.”
Jesse cleared his throat. “I’m not sure how to say this without sounding like an a-hole.” His cheeks coloured slightly and I suppressed a laugh because I already knew what he was struggling to say. “Bree’s been amazing since my operation, visiting and stopping me from going crazy at my parents’ house. She’s great with Kayla, too. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. But I love my girlfriend and there’s nothing… I mean… I don’t-”
“He’s not into me,” I finished. “That’s what he’s trying to say.”
“This is not the best time or place, I know,” Jesse went on. “But I wanted to get it cleared up. I don’t want any bad feeling between us.”
Jude reached his hand out towards Jesse. “No hard feelings. There are bigger things to think about, especially today.”
As Jesse shook Jude’s offered hand, more of the weight I’d carried around lifted away from me. Jude wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and the sound of a car pulling up outside the church gates forced us back to reality.
“That’s Freya,” I said, leaning against Jude for support. My vision swam at the sight of her, and Will’s parents getting out of the limo.
That was me once. Climbing out of the limo with my mom’s best friend while Mom’s casket waited in the church.
Every death is different. Death of a parent, death of a brother or sister, death of a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. The one thing they all have in common is the overwhelming agony at knowing you’ll never get to see your loved one again and my heart ached for my friend as she very slowly made her way towards the church; Will’s mom on one side of her, and his dad on the other.
“We should go inside,” Jude said, tightening his arm around me.
All around us, people started to file into the church and we joined the throng. Every step closer set my flight instincts into a higher gear. Jude must have felt my pulse quicken because he squeezed my hand, leaned down and whispered, “Just breathe. If you need to leave, we can leave.”
“No. We can’t. No matter how bad I feel, I’m staying. I can do this. Not just for Freya, but for you.”
Jude’s hand shook in mine. He gave me a grateful smile before looking over at Jesse who was on my other side. With my stupid, meaningless crush on him getting in the way I hadn’t had a chance to talk to him about Will. Just another way I’d failed. Jesse had been mostly alone since he couldn’t get around on his own to visit Freya, or any of his other friends. Watching him stare straight ahead, I wished I’d taken more time to talk to him. And it wasn’t just Will. In spite of what happened between them, Jesse had lost Taylor, too.
“Jesse?”
His attention snapped to me, and he shook his head like he’d been lost in thought.
“Did you hear anything more from Taylor’s mom?”
“Yeah. I meant to tell you later. Taylor’s funeral is next week.” He paused. “I’m gonna go. If you want to come with me, I’d appreciate it. If not, I understand. My mom said she’ll go with me if you don’t want to.”
Two funerals less than a week apart? One for someone I cared for, and one for someone who I used to care for. Someone who made several attempts to turn my life to shit. I wondered who else would be at her funeral aside from her family. She never mentioned having any other friends outside of Jesse and me. Sad. All her efforts went on destroying people, or trying to get close to them in the wrong ways. I glanced up at Jude, who shrugged.
“I don’t know, Jesse. Can I get back to you?”
“Sure you can. Do you still have Taylor’s journal?”
Oh God. What if her mom wants it back? I’d tossed the book so far, and into so many pieces.
“I kind of… drowned it.”
Jesse laughed, not loud, but it still caused a few heads to turn in his direction. His cheeks coloured for the second time that morning and he ducked his head to avoid the glares.
“Sorry,” I whispered. “Didn’t mean to get you into trouble. Did you want to read the journal?”
“Not even a little bit. I just wondered what you’d done with it. I’m glad it’s gone.”
Our first steps into the church quietened us. Now everything really was silent apart from the shuffling of footsteps across the dusty wooden floor.
I intended to keep my promise to stay but my first glimpse of the casket tested me. Will was inside that box… Will. In movies, when someone dies, sometimes a scene plays out in slow motion showing all the memorable moments of the person who’s gone. I saw Will’s highlight reel play out in front of me, brightening up the darkness of all the black-clad people in front of me. I saw him the first time we met, looking at me as if he wasn’t sure if I belonged on this planet. I saw him during training, laughing with Jude and Miguel. I saw him goofing off with Freya one night at a club, and having a serious conversation with Leah in London. I saw him and Freya dancing together at my birthday party, then unpacking his things when he moved into her apartment. That last memory was such a short time ago and now he’d gone. One storm put an end to his life.
And the last thing I ever said to him was ‘Go to hell.’ My stomach clenched, making me feel sick. More than anything I’d done in my whole life, I regretted those words. I never got a chance to apologise and explain I didn’t mean any of the horrid things I said that day. I’d relived it over and over, thinking of the things I should have said instead of bitching him out. No amount of thoughts could change the facts.
I forced myself to look away from the casket and my eyes immediately found Leah and Radleigh. They must have entered the church way before everyone else. They sat in the third row from the front, on the right, and Radleigh had his arms wrapped tightly around Leah, her head nestled against his neck. I tugged lightly on Jude’s hand and gestured in their direction. That was where I needed to be. If I couldn’t be with Freya, I had to be close to Leah.
It took a while, but we eventually reached them. I slid in beside Leah, Jude beside me, and Jesse at the end of the row. Leah unwound herself from Radleigh, and one look at her swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks sent me over the edge. I bundled her into my arms.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” she choked o
ut in as low a voice as she could manage.
We all have our reasons to run from this, I guess.
“You can,” I whispered. “We can do this together.”
Jude shifted closer to me, and Radleigh did the same beside Leah. The closeness blocked out a tiny bit of the pain, but only for a moment. Everyone stood as Will’s family and Freya entered the church. They all had their heads bowed, occasionally looking up to cast grateful yet sad smiles at the people who’d come to the funeral.
My eyes fixated on Freya. I’d seen her every day since the accident but she suddenly looked frail and drawn. Her skin was paper white, dusted with some light blush to hide the paleness, but there was no disguising the dark circles under her eyes. Her arm was linked with Will’s mom’s, the two of them holding each other up. Will’s dad stood tall, a tower of strength beside the two women who loved Will more than anything in the world. His head held high, but he had the same expression of agony etched into his face.
They took their seats, and as the priest stepped forward, everything blurred in front of me again. This time it wasn’t my memory taking me backwards. Tears had clouded my vision.
Words drifted in and out of my consciousness. I heard every word the priest spoke and yet I didn’t remember any of them. My gaze moved back and forth. Casket. Freya. Jude. Casket. Freya. Jude. It wasn’t until Richard stood up to deliver his eulogy that I dragged myself out of my fog and put my focus on him.
The atmosphere inside the church shifted; people shuffled in their seats ready to hear what Richard had to say. Richard held his notes in shaky hands and cleared his throat, casting a nervous look at the faces staring back at him.
“When Freya asked me to deliver a eulogy, I only had one thought. How would I fit everything important about Will into one short speech? You see, Will was sort of low key to the people who didn’t know him well. The guy who did his job without complaint, and always with one hundred percent dedication. But that was just one side of him. Those who knew him best will tell you he was serious, but always knew when to lighten up. They’ll tell you there was nothing he wouldn’t do for his family and friends. They’ll tell you he was never happier than when he was with Freya. That’s what I’d like to focus on today.
“When someone is taken from us, they always leave behind a legacy. It didn’t take too long for me to realise what Will’s legacy is. It’s happiness. It’s going after what you want with everything you have and holding on tight. The longest running joke in the Warriors’ locker room was how long it would be before Will and Freya would get together.” A small ripple of laughter echoed around the church at the truth of that statement. “We all knew it would happen, but Will liked to weigh everything up, make sure he got it right. In the end, he threw that plan away and blurted his feelings out in a hotel room in London.” Again, another laugh. Beside me, Leah smiled through her tears. It was partly down to her persistence that Will made his move. “The amount of time Will took to make his dream come true isn’t important. What I’ll always remember him for is his courage to take a leap of faith, his commitment to loving Freya, and how happy he was every time he talked about his family. Will knew what mattered. He cherished the people he loved.” Richard paused and turned towards Will’s casket. He drew in a ragged breath and brushed a tear from his eye. “Will Carter, we will miss you every day, and I promise I will do all I can to take care of the people you left behind.” Richard turned back to tearful faces of the congregation, his hands shaking harder than ever as he fought to get through the last of his eulogy. “When you leave the church today, and any time things start to get rough, remember Will. Remember him and focus on the little things that make you happy. When you lose faith, think of him and remember that if you don’t take a chance, you’ll never know what you could have had. Most of all, love hard and never hold back. Keep Will’s legacy close to your hearts, and he’ll never really be gone.”
Giving a small nod of thanks, Richard picked up his notes and slowly walked back to his seat, tears falling down his cheeks.
As we gathered around the graveside a short time later, Richard’s words replayed in my mind. Love hard and never hold back. I’d held back from Jude. I hadn’t explained how I felt, and that was how I got myself into such a mess. I consoled myself with the knowledge I’d never stopped loving him, but I could have loved harder. I could have told him more. I could have shown him more.
With just Will’s closest family and friends around the hole in the ground where Will would finally be laid to rest, my mind began to flicker in and out of reality again. I’d hung in there this long, just a little more and it would be over. But with less people around there was less to take note of. My eyes took up the now familiar pattern, with one new addition. Casket, Freya, Jude, hole.
The priest was talking again but I couldn’t listen. I concentrated on the feeling of Jude’s arms around me, holding me against him. Prayers were said, people sobbed and sniffled around me. My own tears continued to rain down my face.
Then, an almighty scream.
Pulled out of my grief-stricken trance, I saw Freya slump over Will’s casket, her hands on the top as if hugging it.
The priest had stopped talking. It was time for Will to go, but Freya’s scream sliced through the air, sending fear, panic and coldness to every part of me.
“No! Please, I can’t, I’m not ready!”
Will’s dad and Freya’s mom rushed over to her, trying to gently prise her away from the casket but she wouldn’t budge.
“Please don’t leave me!” she sobbed. “Please, come back! I need you, you have to come back!”
“Freya,” her mom said, stroking her hair while fighting her own tears. “You have to come away now.”
“No! I can’t leave him, I can’t! Just a little bit longer! Mom, please. Just a little bit longer.”
Out of respect for Freya, and possibly the heartbreak at seeing her like that, almost everyone slowly moved away from the graveside. Both Leah and I began to make a run towards Freya, but Jude and Radleigh held us back.
“Let her be,” Jude whispered. My heart was pounding with the need to go to her, and sobs wracked my body. I needed to hold onto her and let her know I was there. She had to know she wasn’t alone. “Bree. There’s nothing you can do right now.”
Radleigh whispered similar things to Leah, who continued to try to pull away from him but he held firm. He lifted her off the ground, making sure to hold her as close to him as possible while her pain poured out of her. He was still whispering gently in her ear as he carried her away, but all she could do was turn her head, trying to keep watch on Freya who clung to the casket.
In all my life, I’d never hurt so much for another person. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin to make it stop, and yet I’d still have taken on Freya’s pain too, just so she wouldn’t have to feel it. That was my girl. My best friend who was always so quiet, unassuming and calm, screaming because the man she loved was gone.
I let Jude lead me away towards the car because he was right. There was nothing I could do for her. She needed that moment to let the grief take her over in a way she had refused to allow before. She had to cry, and beg, and wish for a miracle she knew in her heart could never happen.
“Jude.” My legs quivered beneath me as we walked. “I have to… I-”
“Ssh. Just take a deep breath.”
“No.” I stopped him then threw my arms around him, hugging him hard enough to break his ribs. I didn’t need to say any more. His body sagged against mine and I knew he understood.
I never wanted to be in Freya’s position but if I ever was, I needed Jude too know how much I loved him. Right there, in the middle of the cemetery, he had to know.
“It’s okay, honey,” he said, gently winding my hair around his fingers. “It’s okay.”
Chapter 14 – I’ll Remember The Daisies
After the funeral, everyone headed to the Warriors’ training ground for the wake. Freya’s apartment was too small for so
many people to fit into, and Will’s parents’ house was a little out of the way, so the training ground was the most obvious next choice. There was plenty of space in the restaurant, and staff on hand to provide food.
Jude and I took a slow drive to the wake, both of us trying to shake off the image of Freya holding onto Will’s casket, and the sound of her pleas. I couldn’t make it go away no matter how hard I tried. When you see something like that, when you witness that level of hurt, especially from one of your friends, it stays with you. I couldn’t imagine a time when I’d forget her scream or the look of desperation on her face.
We were amongst the last to arrive at the Warriors’ restaurant, aside from Freya, her mom, Will’s parents, and Richard. They would be a while, so Jude and I got some drinks and located Leah, Radleigh, Jesse, Bryce, and Miguel. They all sat at one of the larger tables and they’d saved seats for us. Nobody spoke, all of us united in our concern for Freya. A table full of puffy-eyed people. Leah was still crying against Radleigh’s shoulder.
“What do we do now, guys?” Miguel asked, downing the last of his beer and dejectedly slamming his bottle on the table. “This is the hard part, right? The funeral is over and Freya has nothing else to focus on. How can we help her?”
“By doing what we’ve been doing for the last week,” Jude said. “We keep visiting her, talking to her. Let her know we’re always around.”
“It’s not enough.”
“Nothing will be enough.”
“I can’t stop hearing her scream,” Bryce said, shaking his head, his eyes glazed. “I don’t know how she’ll get over this.”
“She won’t.” My voice was as vacant as Bryce’s stare. “That thing people say about time healing is bullshit. One day she’ll learn to get out of bed without the pain crippling her, but she’ll always have a huge hole inside her. She’ll always be a little bit broken.”
Only Jude and Jesse understood why I spoke with such confidence on this topic. I still had two gigantic holes inside me from my childhood; a third formed when Will died, and grew every day I saw Freya struggle.
