by Kyra Lennon
“Maybe we could make something for her,” Jesse said. “I don’t know about you guys but I’ve got a bunch of photos from nights out, and from playing around during training. We could make a memory book or something.”
Miguel nodded. “That’s a cool idea. Leah is the queen of photo taking. What do you say?”
“We could make a scrapbook,” she said, wiping her eyes. “We should get together with the photos we have and choose the best ones. I’m happy to put the book together. I’ve got some time now.” She rested her hand over her stomach. Radleigh gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze and she smiled up at him.
A comfortable silence fell over the table because there really was nothing else to say. We could have continued with idle chatter about ways to help ease Freya’s pain, or we could have gone over everything that was said at the funeral, remembering every detail. Instead, the quiet was welcome. Now and again one of us would catch someone else’s eye, and we’d acknowledge each other without words before getting back to our own thoughts.
Almost an hour passed before Freya arrived, tucked firmly under the arm of Will’s dad. Will looked a lot like his father, they were even built the same. Freya must have found the familiarity comforting. I sort of wanted to hug him myself, pretend he was Will and try to ease some of my guilt. I jolted as a new surge shot through me. Why couldn’t I get over that?
Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.
Therapy meant talking. What I needed was to talk to Will.
It’s not impossible. Wasn’t Freya doing just that at his graveside, when she begged him not to go?
Maybe the thought was totally idiotic but in the moment it felt like the most obvious, most genius plan ever.
I had to talk to Will.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Freya take a huge breath and straighten herself. She truly looked like she might collapse again at any second but her inner strength kicked in and after a grateful smile at the people who had helped her to her feet back in the churchyard, she made her way towards the first table of visiting soccer players to thank them for coming to the funeral.
“That woman has some serious balls,” Bryce said.
Miguel grinned. “That’s what you get for dating a soccer coach.”
Desperate as I was to spend some time with Freya, once the idea of talking to Will planted itself in my brain, it grew and grew until I thought I might explode if I didn’t get out of there right away and say what needed to be said.
With a composure that totally betrayed the buzzing of my insides, I excused myself as if going to the bathroom, and walked out of the restaurant.
I wasn’t myself. Something had taken over me but I went with it because it was the only thing that made sense to me. I didn’t have our car keys, so when I slipped out of the training ground entrance, I took off my heels and started walking.
I must have looked insane, but the cemetery wasn’t too far away. I’d walked further in the past, barefoot too.
The earthy mound that now covered Will’s casket was surrounded by his funeral flowers, brightening up what would have been an otherwise depressing sight. I placed my shoes on the grass then sat down beside them, not caring that I might get stains on my dress. I tucked my legs underneath me and plucked a daisy from the ground, twiddling the stem between my fingers.
“So, I… I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff. Actually, I’ve not done anything much other than think since my birthday. I made some shitty choices over the last few weeks but the only one I regret more than hurting Jude is that I was a bitch to you the last time we saw each other.” A light breeze disturbed the petals of my flower. “I keep telling myself you know, knew me better. You knew that wasn’t really me snapping at you. But then I realised I never told you anything different. Sure, I was always there to help you out, and we had bunches of fun together. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough about how I felt. I haven’t been clear about anything for a long time… or maybe ever, you remember how I am. Chatter, chatter, chatter. Shop, shop, shop.
“With all the time I’ve had to think about what to say to you it’s still coming out in a jumble.” I sighed, putting my focus directly on Will’s grave. “I loved you so much, Will. I loved how you didn’t care how nutty I can be, and you accepted me as I am. I think it was tougher for you because you were way more sensible than the rest of the Warriors.” I paused, chuckling at the truth of those words. Will took longer to get used to me than everyone else but when he did, he embraced my crazy like a champ. “I’m so, so sorry for the things I said to you. I was mad that day, and I was stupid enough to think I had all the time in the world to apologise. Now I know better. If there’s something that needs to be said, it should be said right away. Time… well, it doesn’t wait. I had some dumb excuses lined up but they don’t count now. Because now you’re not here and I don’t get to talk to you face to face. I don’t get to feel your hugs - which by the way - were always awesome.” A tear splashed onto my lap, quickly followed by another, and another. “I think you’d have forgiven me. I’d have gotten the hug I need from you right now. You were good, Will. Special. And I’ll never forget you.”
I placed my daisy on top of his grave; pathetic in comparison to the floral displays all around me but it didn’t matter. I’d done what I set out to do.
I wasn’t ready to go back to the wake yet so I stayed beside Will’s grave, sitting in the grass, making a daisy chain and enjoying the quiet. Not just the quiet of the cemetery, but the quiet of my thoughts.
“Hey, Bree.”
The delicate sound of Freya’s voice startled me. While I stared at her in surprise, she took off her own shoes and joined me on the grass.
“What are you doing out here?” I asked, putting my arm around her. She was a little cold, and still abnormally pale, but somehow a little less so than earlier.
“I saw you sneak out. I had a feeling you might be here.” Freya’s eyes fell on my lone daisy and she smiled. “You know that daisy would mean more to Will than all of these other tributes?”
“What makes you say that?”
“Because I know you had a fight with him. And I know you didn’t see him again afterwards. That’s why you’re here, right?”
“I had no idea I was so predictable.”
Freya chuckled and let her head fall onto my shoulder. “You’re only predictable to people who know you well. Jude saw you leave but I told him I’d find you. I needed to get out. Just for a quick breather. Everyone has been amazing but all those stares of sympathy. Like I said before, I find them so hard to take.”
“Right before you came into the restaurant everyone was talking about how we can help you. I think they know we can’t do anything but it makes the uselessness go away for a while if we try.”
“You know what I need?” Freya sighed. “I need to be right here with you. Close to Will.”
I tilted my head sideways to lean lightly on hers. “You’re not crying anymore.”
“I’m beyond crying for now. My tear supply needs a little time to replenish.”
To understand what she meant made me half happy and half sad. Relating to her, connecting again the way I’d started to do with Jude meant everything to me. The crappy side was understanding how much it hurt to be cried out. It left hollowness, and being empty had its downsides too.
“Got room for one and a half more down there?”
Without turning our heads, Freya and I laughed as Leah dropped down on the ground with us. Freya pulled Leah into her so we became a sort of… hot girl sandwich.
“What’s your excuse?” Freya asked. “Bree came to talk to Will, and I came to get a time out.”
I loved how neither of them thought it was weird that I’d sneaked away from a wake to sit beside a grave and talk to a pile of earth. To an outsider, I was clearly a nutjob. To my friends, I made perfect sense.
“I came to be with my girls,” Leah said. “Don’t ask how I knew where to find you. My feet just steered me here.”
“I guess
we all wanted to be close to Will.” I stretched my arm over a little further to touch Leah’s shoulder and she smiled.
“Cute scarf, Bree. Where’d you get it?”
Ha. That was a story. Too long and too self-involved for where we were, though. I’d fill them in at a more appropriate time.
“It’s Kayla’s. Well, I guess it’s mine, now. She gave it to me for today. For comfort.”
“Aww, she’s a sweetheart.”
Just like Jesse. That was how I always described him.
Less than two weeks ago I would have wanted Jesse with us. With me. I’d have wanted him beside me, letting him calm me, and saying all the right things. How stupid I was. Getting carried away with silly fantasies and what ifs. Letting Taylor manipulate me; letting myself think I’d be happier with a bigger family around me. Family isn’t about the amount of people, it’s about the amount of happiness and love you receive. Jude was… yeah. He was everything. Everything I needed and everything I would ever need.
A small bird swooped down, landing on Will’s grave. It pecked around for a moment then took the daisy I’d left there in its beak, and flew away, high up in the sky until it became nothing more than a speck.
“Well, that’s just rude. That bird stole Will’s flower!”
Freya smiled. “Maybe. Or maybe it’s taking the flower to Will instead.”
“I like that idea better. I think he’d roll his eyes at my silliness then do something weird like put it in his hair to make me laugh.”
“Sounds like Will.” Leah smiled, too.
Freya picked up my daisy chain and placed it on top of my head like a crown. “That’s what I’m going to remember most about today. I’ll remember the daisies.”
“I’m going to remember this,” Leah said, letting out a sigh. “Today has been rough. But right now, just the three of us, this is the part I’ll remember.”
“Me too.”
“Me three,” I added.
And just like that, all three of us held each other tighter, silent and lost in our own thoughts.
We had so much more to face over the next few months. We would grieve, and I’d spill my heart out to my therapist about the ghosts from my past, but every day, we’d all get a little bit stronger. A little less sad. What mattered was doing those things together. We had battles ahead but I was ready for them because I had the best friends anyone could ask for. Perhaps it sounded too soon to be so optimistic about the future.
But what can I say? I’m Bree Collinson, and I’m an eternal ray of sunshine.
THE END
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About The Author
Kyra Lennon is a self-confessed book-a-holic, and has been since she first learned to read. When she's not reading, you'll usually find her hanging out in coffee shops with her trusty laptop and/or her friends, or girling it up at the nearest shopping mall.
Kyra grew up on the South Coast of England and refuses to move away from the seaside which provides massive inspiration for her novels. She published her first novel in July 2012, and her novella, If I Let You Go and Blindsided (Game On Book 2) soon followed.
To find out more about Kyra, check out her blog, website, follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Pinterest, or drop her an email at [email protected]
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