Scarred Souls: Second Collection

by TT Kove

  But I took the opportunity to escape, to be on my own for a bit, and ran with it.

  Not that it helped once I was locked in the bathroom because this was where Josh had escaped too yesterday. This was where he’d swallowed all his pills. There were no evidence of it though. Angelina must’ve cleaned up since Silver and Kian hadn’t known anything was wrong until Silver texted me.

  The hot water offered no consolation and I took the quickest shower in history. Washing the important parts and instantly getting out. I towelled off, realised I’d forgotten to get new clothes… and for once I just didn’t care who saw my chest. I walked out in my towel and headed over to the bedroom.

  ‘Hey, D.’ Silver stuck his head out from their bedroom. ‘Found Josh’s phone in the bathroom last night. I put it on your desk.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I clutched at my towel, worried it would fall even if I had tied it around my hips properly, as I slipped inside.

  Like Silver said, Josh’s phone was on the desk. It was one of the newest smartphone models, a birthday gift earlier this year from his mum.

  I pressed the home button and saw he had several unread texts. And missed calls from Angelina. A text from Chad had arrived before Angelina’s missed calls, then there was another one from Chad after as well as a text from Tyler.

  My gut churned.

  What if Josh never got around to these texts? What if he never woke up? What if when he did wake up, he’d done so much damage he couldn’t answer them even if he wanted to?

  His friends… people who cared about him and wanted what was best for him. They didn’t even know what was going on.

  I didn’t know what to do. If I’d been in hospital, I would’ve wanted someone to let Silver know. But I couldn’t go text Josh’s friends from his phone, and it wasn’t like I had Chad’s number. Or Cooper’s. I might have Tyler’s, and I definitely had Spencer and Leslie’s, but… what should I say? I didn’t know anything.

  Clothes. Get clothes. And get to uni.

  Then you take it from there.

  I hadn’t even told Ray and Claire. After texting with Silver last night, I’d muted my phone. I should at least text them and let them know what was going on.

  But first on the agenda was getting dressed. I’d deal with everything else after that. One step at a time. That was the way to do it when you were overwhelmed.

  Josh had said that once. He’d learned it in therapy. If only he’d applied that for yesterday and not gone directly to worst-case solutions…

  You better fucking survive, Josh.

  I need you.

  And you can’t let that tosser win.

  29

  Waiting Game

  Damian

  Something was wrong when I came to the hospital.

  I heard sounds—crying—before I even got to Josh’s room, and when I stood in the doorway I saw what all the commotion was about.

  He was awake, but clearly not well. He was crying and yelling and trashing and a nurse was holding him down while a doctor inserted what I guessed to be sedatives into his IV.

  ‘No,’ Josh sobbed, trying to trash but the nurse had too good a grip on him. As well as several pounds on him. ‘No, please don’t—please don’t hurt me.’

  His voice right then was heartbreaking. I didn’t know if he was hallucinating about Andrew or if he was actually speaking to the nurse though.

  Angelina stood against the wall, one hand pressed over her mouth, eyes wet with tears.

  ‘Hey, come here.’ For the first time ever, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and drew her in close.

  She came willingly, almost falling against me as the tears burst. I’d never hugged her before. The closest we’d ever been was squeezing shoulders.

  Josh was still sobbing on the bed, but the doctor had removed the syringe now and Josh’s struggles were slowing. Tears streamed down his face too—but that was a more usual sight than Angelina in tears. She never cried. She was always the calm, reasonable one.

  Seemed this had been the last straw for her.

  The doctor gave her—us, maybe—a sympathetic look once Josh succumbed to sleep again.

  ‘We’ll just have to wait and see.’

  Angelina managed to give him a curt nod before burying her face against my neck again.

  I, very stealthily, pulled my phone from my pocket and sent off a quick text to Harriet.

  Angelina needed her girlfriend right now, not me. I was awkward with human socialisation and the only one I was ever comfortable around was Josh. He was the only one I was good at comforting—though sometimes even that was too much.

  I patted her back, unsure what to do right now.

  With Josh, who wore his heart on his sleeve, just hugging him and being there for him could be enough. Other times I had to reassure him I was with him, that I still loved him. He was a bundle of exposed emotion that it was mostly easy to read.

  Angelina, on the other hand, wasn’t like that at all. She hid her feelings behind a cool facade it was impossible to read. I’d never seen her cry before now.

  ‘I hate him,’ she murmured eventually. ‘I wish that arsehole was dead. No, I wish he’d live through what he made Joshua live through. See how well he get out on the other end, after ten fucking years.’

  ‘He hallucinated again then?’

  Josh’s head was turned away from us, but his lips was parted slightly and his chest rose and fell as he breathed.

  She nodded jerkily.

  ‘He thought I was Andrew. Or maybe he didn’t even see me at all. I think he was back there, being punished for something.’ She finally stepped back, wiping furiously at her eyes, and then she all but fell into the chair closest to Josh’s bed.

  I took the other one, dropping my shoulder bag on the floor next to me.

  ‘He dreams about it frequently. Terrible nightmares.’

  She drew in a shaky breath.

  ‘I didn’t want him, you know.’ She looked at Josh, lips trembling. ‘When I got… pregnant. I didn’t want him. But I was too far along to terminate.’

  My heart started beating quicker.

  ‘Would you have done that… if you’d figured it out before?’

  She nodded, squeezing her eyes shut.

  ‘I wanted to study, I wanted a good career that would give me a comfortable life. I didn’t want kids, didn’t want to get tied down to anyone, didn’t want to have loans and worry about money.’

  Now she was the one to take Josh’s hand in hers.

  ‘So when I met Andrew, and he eventually told me he was willing to look after Joshua… that I could focus on my career… I was happy. I didn’t have to deal with a child. I didn’t have to give anything up. And Andrew would give him all the love he deserved. All the love I couldn’t give.’

  Well, she clearly loved Josh now, that much was obvious. But… hearing how he hadn’t even been wanted before he was born broke my heart.

  ‘I wish I’d given him up for adoption instead.’ She gazed at Josh’s face sadly. ‘I wanted to, back in the hospital. But Mum talked me out of it. So I kept him. But if I’d known what I know now… if I’d given him up, maybe he’d have had a happy upbringing. Maybe he wouldn’t know what it’s like to be abused by someone who’s supposed to love you. And maybe he’d have had a mother who actually loved him. Because I didn’t back then. I didn’t love him.’ She started crying again.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  This was heavy shit.

  ‘At least you provided for him,’ I said then, thinking of my own damn mother. ‘You didn’t snap and kill him.’

  She wiped her eyes again and looked at me.

  ‘That’s what your mother did.’

  I nodded my affirmative, even if she hadn’t actually asked a question. It’d been more of a statement.

  ‘I always wondered why you’ve only got your uncle and aunt, but I never wanted to ask.’

  ‘I had parents and sisters.’ I didn’t like talking about them. ‘Mum
was… unstable. When one of my sister’s killed herself, she had a psychotic break and killed everyone else. Including herself.’

  ‘And you were there?’

  I unconsciously touched my chest.

  ‘Yeah. She thought I was—well… I got the dubious honour of being the only survivor.’

  She lifted her gaze to the ceiling and sighed.

  ‘There’s so much shit going on. There are so many people who shouldn’t have been allowed to have kids. Myself included.’

  ‘Josh loves you,’ I reminded her. ‘You’ve done a lot for him these past few years.’

  ‘And before that? It’s my fault Andrew got his clutches in him. I was just happy he agreed to stay at home with Josh, happy he never really expected anything… intimate from me. I should’ve seen it. But I was too busy with my career to care.’

  ‘I’m sure you would’ve cared if you found out.’ If she’d found out earlier what Andrew was up to, I had no doubt she would’ve done whatever she could to get him out of Josh’s life. Like she’d done after Josh told her. She’d called the coppers and they’d arrested the arsehole.

  ‘I could’ve given him more. More of my time. Gotten to know him. Loved him.’

  ‘Yeah, you could’ve.’ There was no doubt she’d done many mistakes during Josh’s childhood. But no one could change that now. All we could do was move forwards. ‘You know him now. You believed him when he finally told you. That meant a lot to him, that you didn’t question him. That you up and left and rang the police so they could arrest Andrew. That was the best thing you could’ve done for Josh back then.’

  ‘But too late.’ Her eyes swam with tears again. ‘He’d already broken him.’

  ‘Even one time can break someone when it comes to sexual abuse,’ I pointed out.

  ‘I know.’ She sighed again. ‘But I’ve also done my reading on borderline personality disorder. I never gave him the maternal love he needed when he was little… and that is at the bottom of everything. It’s my fault he’s like this.’

  I’d done my reading too, so I knew this. And she wasn’t wrong.

  But Josh loved his mum now. She was there for him, she dropped everything to help him whenever he needed her.

  ‘But Andrew wasn’t your fault,’ I pointed out then. ‘Yeah, you should’ve noticed something was wrong, maybe… but people can’t go around and be afraid, worry if your significant other hurts your children. You can’t go around worrying about that, or expecting it, because most people wouldn’t do what he did. Most people would love that child and give it the best life they could. Not everyone is like him. Most people aren’t. And we just have to remember that, I think.’

  She sniffled.

  ‘Maybe you should switch to psychiatry.’ She managed a wobbly smile.

  ‘Another profession where I have to deal with people day in and day out, so perhaps not.’

  Josh was the only one I was comfortable talking with, especially about difficult subjects. It didn’t matter if it was my own or someone else, I was just as awkward with anyone but him.

  And when uni started up again, we’d do a rotation in mental health. Not to mention women and men’s health and gynaecology. I was so fucked.

  ‘Angie?’ Harriet stuck her head in the door, gaze quickly taking in the whole room before settling on Angelina.

  ‘Harriet?’ Angelina blinked in surprise.

  ‘Damian said you were upset.’ She glanced briefly at me with a small nod before walking over to Angelina and taking her hand. ‘Come home. Rest. Damian’s here now, he’ll take care of Josh.’

  Angelina looked me dead in the eye.

  ‘You texted her, didn’t you?’

  There was no use denying it, so I only nodded.

  She wiped at her eyes again and managed another wobbly smile for Harriet.

  ‘Thanks for coming to collect me.’

  ‘So you’re coming with me without any fuzz?’ Harriet squeezed her hand.

  Angelina nodded.

  ‘Yeah, I need a nap. And some food. Speaking of…’ She turned to me after she got to her feet. ‘I spoke to Claire earlier. She said she’d deliver some dinner for you later.’

  ‘Oh. Okay.’ I didn’t know she’d been in contact with my family. It was surprising—they didn’t know each other all that well. ‘Thanks.’

  Angelina said her goodbye to Josh, even if he wasn’t awake to hear them, then we had a tiny discussion about e going home to sleep for tonight—which ended with her promising to be by in the morning so I could go to my last day of school.

  I wasn’t going to leave Josh for a second more than I had to.

  They finally left—and I was alone in the room with a sedated Josh. All alone… and finally able to fall to pieces without anyone there to witness it.

  My forehead rested close to Josh’s shoulder and I had a grip around his wrist again, checking his pulse. It beat steadily.

  ‘Just wake up, Josh,’ I whispered into the bedding. ‘I’ll do anything. We can go away somewhere, escape from all this… or we can have all the sex you want. I’d be fine with that—if you just wake up. You can’t leave me. What am I supposed to do without you?’

  Never had I thought I’d grow so attached to anyone. I’d made it a point to be unattached for most of my life. Even before all the shit went down with my sister and mother, I’d been kind of aloof and distant. It hadn’t got better after mum’s psychotic break.

  I needed Josh like I needed to breathe. And if he just woke up I’d have sex with him every single day if that was what he wanted. I could quit school and we could move, all so Andrew wouldn’t have any idea where we’d disappeared to. We could go to another country, for holidays or move there, I wasn’t picky. I just needed him to live. I needed him to wake up and be back to normal so we could go on with our lives.

  I couldn’t stand to see him lying in a hospital bed like this. It broke my heart to hear his anguish earlier before the sedatives worked.

  I’d take him away from everything that hurt, every bad memory. I’d give my fucking life for him… that’s how much I loved him.

  ‘You have to wake up.’ His wrist wasn’t smooth. Scars criss-crossed there just like it did the rest of his arms. All skin on his arms were scarred, forearms and upper arms alike. He hadn’t cut much anywhere else though, except a few random scars here and there.

  Most of those were Andrew’s doing however. Josh himself had mostly stuck to harming his arms.

  ‘You hear me, Josh? You have to wake up.’ But of course he didn’t. He didn’t even move. Unless his chest rising and falling counted as moving. ‘You can’t leave me. Not now, not fucking ever, you hear? I need you. I didn’t know how empty my life was before I met you. It sounds so goddamn cliche, but it’s true.’

  I breathed in and out heavily a few times, afraid I was having a panic attack by the way my airways constructed. Turned out I just wanted to cry and I silently let the tears fall to soak into the bedding.

  ‘Please, Josh,’ I whispered. ‘Come back.’

  I didn’t know how long I sat there crying. All I knew was that Josh continued to breathe steadily, but he didn’t wake.

  And then there was a knock on the door.

  I jumped in my chair and sat up straight, wiping furiously at my eyes.

  The door opened—I’d closed it after Angelina and Harriet left so I could fall apart in peace—and Ray peeked in.

  ‘Hey.’ When he spotted me he pushed the door open fully and stepped into the room. He had a bag in one hand and he held it out to me now. ‘Dinner for you.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I muttered, taking the bag, but not at all sure I could find it in me to eat. I wasn’t hungry even though I hadn’t eaten all day. Food just didn’t matter when Josh was lying sedated in a hospital bed.

  ‘How is he?’ Ray nodded to Josh as he took the other chair.

  ‘The same. No changes.’ I opened the bag to find a bowl of steaming hot curry. Now I saw it and smelt it, my stomach gave a faint rum
ble.

  ‘Just eat,’ Ray said, gazing at me. ‘I had some before I left, and leftovers are waiting for me at home.’

  ‘You don’t have to stay.’ I popped the lid and the smell of it really assaulted me—and my stomach grumbled louder. Claire’d even packed a fork, so I grabbed that now and took a tentative bite.

  Oh, this is good.

  ‘I’m in no hurry.’ Ray sat back in his chair, hands clasped in his lap. ‘I wanted to see how you’re holding up.’

  I only shrugged and kept eating.

  ‘Do they think he’ll wake up soon?’

  ‘He was awake when I got here earlier, but…’ Josh’s voice then… I couldn’t get it out of my head. He’d sounded young, afraid, no, terrified. ‘But they had to sedate him again. He was trashing around and hallucinating.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Damian.’ Ray leaned over to squeeze my knee. ‘Claire told me she spoke with Angelina earlier. Josh met that stepfather of his? That’s what caused this?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Does him being out of prison have anything to do with Josh freaking out about the locks in your flat too?’

  I hadn’t thought anymore of the damn locks, but now he mentioned it…

  ‘Yeah.’

  Ray nodded, gaze thoughtful as it moved to Josh.

  I studied him now his attention wasn’t on me.

  We looked a lot alike—could have something to do with the fact he was my mother’s twin. If people didn’t know any better, they assumed he was my dad.

  He was the one who’d had to deal with everything after my mother snapped. He’d been in the hospital with me, he’d dealt with funeral arrangements, the house and all its possessions, as well as fixing that last room in the basement so that could be my new bedroom.

  He was a rock. He reminded me of Angelina, a bit. They were both strong, you could depend on them no matter what, and they hardly ever lost their cool. Today excluded for Angelina’s sake.

  I’d never been good at showing my emotions, or showing Ray how much all he’d done meant to be, but… it meant a lot. I’d been twelve. I couldn’t have done anything on my own. He’d taken me in, given me all the time I needed, never forced me into anything…