How to Control Co-Dependent People

by Tim Ozman

  2) DEVALUATION: Once you’ve made them feel secure about their place in your world, begin to nitpick. Start pointing out their flaws at inopportune times. For instance, point out an errant nose hair or smeared makeup while waiting in line at the grocery. The purpose here is to start taking away their sense of security little by little. Stop complimenting them for their positive attributes. Ignore these and instead compliment other people who also possess those attributes. This works especially well when you do it in the presence of your codependent and the one you’re complimenting. This is the phase where you “push their buttons.”

  3) DISCARD: This is the phase where you begin to seek out other sources of amusement and entertainment. You need to find another victim to Idealize. At the same time, you must cease all interest, positive or negative, in your codependent. When you devalue your codependent, you’ll find that they try extra hard to get back into your good graces. They will do anything to regain that pedestal. When you discard the codependent, what you are really doing is transferring that pedestal to someone, or something else. The Discard phase is all about rejection.

  As you move from one codependent to the next, you can use your new one as a reminder to the previous one of what they lost. They will be left feeling inferior and worthless. Discarded codependents are at risk for suicide. Should it happen, you can play upon the sympathy of your next target. However, if your codependent manages to escape, don’t worry. All you have to do is give them a little time and space. You can bring them back into your clutches by returning to the first phase in the Abuse Cycle.

  Put them back on the pedestal. Idealize them and they will come running back to you more loyal than before, determined to stick to you no matter what. And what’s better is, the more times you put them through the cycle, the less they will demand from you each time. After putting a codependent through the wringer three or four times, they’ll beg just to stand in your shadow.

  During the Idealization phase of the relationship, you must act like you can’t live without your victim. As you move into the Devaluation and Discard phases, you should make it known that you don't need your codependent. Make it a point to display your own independence. This will leave your codependent feeling insecure and uncertain. Make it seem as though you are much happier without them. This will make them feel discarded, useless, and unworthy of your attention.

  When you do Discard them, show no emotion. No Anger, no rage, nothing. Just go cold. Your lack of feeling at the time of separation will knock down your target's self-esteem and make them even more pliable when you begin the cycle again.

  The greater the pain you inflict, the greater their dependence will become. Always remember, pain, like pleasure, is addictive. When pleasure becomes compulsive, as with drug addiction, the lines between pleasure and pain are blurred. Drug addicts will debase themselves for a few moments of chemically induced joy. The same principle applies with pain addicts. Their only source of joy, their only fix, is the pain you dish out. Their lowered self-esteem will only find gratification in self-abasement and self-sacrifice. And the god to whom they grovel, genuflect, and sacrifice is you.

  6) Tug The Invisible Leash

  One of the more destructive aspects to narcissistic abuse is the near permanent hold you will have over the minds of your victims. If one manages to find some self-respect and get away from you, all you need to do is tug on that invisible leash and they obediently come back to your side. It’s like playing with a yo-yo.

  The invisible leash is that connection that they have to the person they met, the one that love bombed and idealized them. Once you’ve finished emotionally dysregulating your victim, they will flee. Or perhaps you’ll have moved away to hone in on the next target. Whatever the case may be, in between abuse cycles, you will usually have a break from your victim. Think of this as giving them time to recharge.

  When it is time to bring them back into your clutches, you will have to invoke your charming self. The one who lured them into your life in the first place. A simple text message or phone call is usually sufficient. Leave a desperate, open ended invitation such as, “Do you still love me?” or “missing you….”

  Your victim will be so starved for validation that, like a drug addict, they will think that just one more dose, one more hit, will be enough to assuage their pain. But, like all addicts, they will find that once they get that dose, their cravings will increase exponentially. They’ll come running back because in their minds, the abuse was their fault. Also, if you’ve managed to gaslight them sufficiently, then they won’t even acknowledge that they were abused in the first place.

  When you’ve brought a codependent back into your life after an Abuse Cycle, you’ll have to accept their apologies for the way things turned out. Accept a little bit of blame, but only in a general sense. Do not take responsibility for anything. Just say sorry that you broke up or that you separated, and act as though it’s all water under the bridge. Bury the hatchet, but remember where you buried it because you’ll be digging it up again later.

  If your codependent is resisting your attempts to pull them back in, you may have to be more aggressive. For instance, send them flowers or gifts if your target is a woman, and if you’re a woman manipulating a man, sexual advances are very useful. The more affection starved your victim has been in your absence, the more susceptible they will be to your advances.

  The Invisible Leash will work as long as your victim knows that the person tugging the leash is the one they first fell in love with. Remember, the love the codependent feels for you is real, even if the person they think they love is not. They genuinely don’t know that you’re wearing a mask or that you’re aware of the subtle tortures you’re inflicting on a day to day basis. Keep them focused on that illusion. The person they think you are must always be like a rainbow, ephemeral, beautiful, but ultimately out of reach. They will never get close enough to the truth to know that there is no pot of gold.

  Another analogy which serves to illustrate the concept is that of the donkey chasing the carrot on the stick. When you first meet the donkey, you feed it carrots until it develops a taste for them. Then, you dangle it on a stick and lead your beast of burden around with the promise that they will eventually get the carrot. However, aside from the initial Abuse Cycle, you never actually let them have the carrot again. It must always be out of reach. Eventually, you won’t even have to dangle a carrot. They’ll be your beast of burden just to have you in their lives. That is where you want them.

  You must condition your codependents to serve you without any expectation of reciprocation.

  7) Triangulate

  When you’ve secured one codependent, you should then strive to have your needs met by another one. This is part of the Abuse Cycle. Once you’ve hooked one, you begin the Devaluation and Discard phases. However, not all codependents let go so easily. Some don’t run away when they’ve met the real you. For them, the Abuse Cycle stays at the Devaluation phase. When you come across these resilient types, you can get more out of them by engaging in Triangulation.

  What this means is, you can transfer your focus to your next target, and should your established codependent slave stick around and tolerate the Devaluation phase, you can introduce Triangulation. The way it works is simple: you cause your codependent to blame their abuse on this third party. Your new victim must view your established codependent as an obstacle, and your established codependent must view the new victim as a threat.

  By turning the two of them against each other, you will have two loyal codependents clamouring to please you. This can be kept up for as long as each has your affection. Competition will bring out the best in both of them. They will strive to outdo one another and in doing so, will eliminate the need for you to exert any effort to control them both. They will struggle to please you and their mutual abuse will save you the trouble of having to do the abusing. They can tear eachother apart and you’ll be the prize they fight for.

  The object here is to ha
ve two ego impoverished codependent people pleasers devoted to winning you over. This tactic can last indefinitely. This is how you can have a spouse and a lover without losing both.

  8) Alienate

  You must cut your codependents off from their relationships with non abusers. If they have any sources of happiness away from you, block them from accessing it. Any competition for their attention will destroy the illusion you are weaving. It must be remembered that your codependent may in fact be bright, intelligent, congenial, and fun. Don’t allow them be reminded of their positive attributes by anyone else.

  If you allow the codependent interactions with positive friends or family members, they will be given praise and approval. This cannot be allowed. They must not have any source of validation outside of you. You have to establish a monopoly on praise, validation, and approval. Then you can control how much or how little they get. This is what hooks them to you.

  The purpose of this is to ensure that your attacks upon their self-esteem stick. If you tell your codependent that they can’t sing or dance well, you need that criticism to be taken to heart. If they have friends who contradict the narrative you are weaving, you’ll lose control. You can’t mold a lump of clay into the form you desire if other people get to put their hands on your clay.

  Tolerate no contradictions. Say things like, "nobody knows the real you like I do.” Establish yourself as the sole authority in their lives. Undermine the level of intimacy or closeness they have with others with comments which imply that you alone know the soul of your codependent.

  Given a little time, you'll find that you won't have to hold the leash so tight. Your codependent will withdraw voluntarily from everyone else. This occurs gradually. The more you Devalue your codependent, the lower their self-esteem goes. You must cultivate their insecurities. These insecurities will become a prison as they interact less and less with the world outside. Make them feel rejected by the world. Tell them how nobody understands them like you do.

  The more you come to define who your codependent is, the more shame you can introduce. As they adopt the self-image you impose as “their real self”, the more they will fear exposure. Make them constantly aware that you know alone who they really are. Just as you wear a mask to obscure your real self and control those you have lured into your life, you must insist that those you control wear masks as well. To impose a mask on your victim, you first need to decide who and what they are and hold them to it. Just as they don’t know you wear a mask, they won’t be aware that they have one too.

  Do not address the integrated, well-adjusted person they were when you met. Instead, address your codependent as a flawed and shamefully inadequate person not worthy of love. Talk to the mask you have created for your victim and they’ll respond as that person.

  When you’re Alienating your codependent from friends and family, you have to ensure that you’re never witnessed in an act of abuse. Don’t let anyone see you Devaluing your victim. Every person in your victim’s life needs to be on a pedestal. Don’t restrict your Abuse Cycle to those you have isolated. Everyone is a potential victim.

  Every person in your life and in the life of your victim needs to be Idealized. This will charm them, disarm them, and if you’re patient, you can use your victim's family and friends as proxy abusers through the tactic of Triangulation. For example, flirting with a sibling of your victim, if done tactfully and lighthearted enough to give you a semblance of plausible deniability, will cause infighting. Tap into sibling rivalries when you can. Same goes for their friends. You want their friends to like you more than them. This will cause your victim to further distance themselves from those family members and friends who seem to be competing for your attention.

  Always remember the cardinal rule of Alienation: “charm to disarm.” If you charm all those you wish to cut out of your victim’s life, they won’t see you as an abuser, but will rather take your side and even encourage your victim to stay with you. If your victim should run to one of those you have charmed, they’ll invalidate your victim and send them back to you. If anything, you’ll be seen as a martyr which is a particularly powerful role to be in. If you can be seen as a victim of an irrational person, you’ll be above reproach. No one will know that you’re a narcissistic abuser controlling an enslaved codependent.

  9) Open Old Wounds

  The nice thing about emotional abuse is that it leaves no visible scars. Emotional pain is processed in the same part of the brain as physical pain. This means that you can control your codependent with mental and psychological torture just as effectively as punching, whipping, slapping, and other overt methods of dominating their will. Even verbal abuse is rarely a good idea because if you’re caught on videotape or overheard, your mask can slip.

  The forms of emotional abuse you should use are those which are covert, subtle, and hard to detect. You can do more damage when you have plausible deniability. Think of this approach as “death by a thousand cuts” rather than going totally O.J. Simpson on your victims.

  You’ll know you’ve succeeded when your target is left looking like a self-pitying basket case rather than the victim of abuse that they are. The way you get into their head is by tearing down their protective boundaries. Most codependents are boundary deficient which makes it easy.

  To find all the little wounds and emotional scars of your victim, you simply need to get them to open up and reveal themselves. They’ll show you their scars once they trust you. You gain their trust by showing them your own scars. Usually, you’ll have to make these up. Invent past traumas which will trigger the most empathy. If your target was abused as a child or teen, then you too must be a victim of abuse. If your target was poor or neglected, then so were you.

  Ego boundaries must be destroyed. Insist that there are no secrets between you. It doesn’t matter what their secrets are. All that matters is that you can get them to reveal their innermost thoughts. You want to psychologically strip your targets bare. This will cause them to feel like you care more than you do.

  Using interrogation techniques, probe the same areas from many different angles. Play “good cop/ bad cop” with them, but don’t show your “bad cop” side. Save that for later.

  Without being too aggressive, make every conversation a pissing contest. Mirror their every achievement, experience, and feeling. You need to “one-up” every significant life experience they share with you. This has a two-fold purpose. One, you’re showing them how you’re exactly the same as they are, and two, you’re subtly invalidating them on a deep level. You need to emerge as the dominant one without being too obvious about it. Let them come to their own realizations about your superiority.

  Keep a list in your mind of all the significant events in their life. You’ll be using these against them later. For example, if your codependent was cheated on in the past, then you’ll want to play on that insecurity later. For example, “Now I know why you were cheated on. You’re too prude.” This allows you to layer new pain on top of old traumas.

  Simple attacks like that will inflict a lot of pain but won’t leave any marks and won’t even require you to raise your voice. This is key. When you’re calm and implacable while they are having emotional breakdowns, the disparity will only make them look, and feel, crazy. Crazy-making is the name of the game. You need them to feel crazy. This will make it easier to put the blame on them for their own victimization.

  At the beginning of your relationship, when you’re Idealizing your victim, they will feel invincible. You’ll lift them up and make them believe they are the person you are elevating. They will, for that short time, actually think highly of themselves. Codependents crave this kind of praise and attention on a deep, deep level. Therefore, they will be more susceptible to your charm than at any other time. Don’t rush to tear them down. Give them time to reveal their secrets, their fears, and anything they are ashamed of. Every past trauma is a doorway to their pain centers. Those are the buttons and levers you will use to dominate and con
trol them once you’ve pulled them off the pedestal.

  10) Keep Them Boxed In

  Don't allow your codependent to express individuality. Deny them spontaneity. Keep them boxed into the parameters which defined them when you first met. Don’t allow them to grow. Anytime something spontaneous arises that transgresses these boundaries, chastise them, ridicule them, and above all, invalidate whatever it is they are doing.

  For example, if your codependent was a horror movie fanatic when you met, don’t tolerate romantic comedies later . If you should find your codependent deviating from your established mold, undermine whatever it is they are getting into. Use phrases like:

  “Since when do you like comedy?”

  “You like romance? Pffft. Seriously?”

  “Why are you reading? You never read.”

  You don’t have to be mean or restrictive. You just have to be consistent in your criticisms. You’re job is to police their thoughts and thereby limit their options. What makes a slave a slave is the lack of options. You must restrict their range of options in order to control them. If you allow your codependent to take on a new hobby or pastime, you risk them having access to self-esteem boosting experiences. You don’t want them to develop skills or meet new people who validate their new choices.