Life Before

by Carmel Reilly

  The kids chattered at the dinner table. Squabbled and laughed. Lori and Jason exchanged looks that said they were grateful for the noise. For the affirmation of life. When Jason cleared the plates away she put her hand on his arm and looked into his eyes and he bent and put his lips to her forehead. ‘We’ll talk soon,’ he said.

  Lori stealthily kissed the kids goodnight as they watched TV. They barely noticed her as she picked up her car keys and headed for the front door. In a few moments she was making the drive back across town again, ready to begin a vigil, hoping for the best for her brother.

  July 1993

  Northam

  They were standing outside Raki Parry’s house, a dumpy little weatherboard not far from the river on the Flat. Raki lived with his mum and dad, but they had gone fishing for the weekend, down to Lake Eildon, and had left Raki and his brother, Jai, at home. Jai worked for some company in Wang, and he had money and lots of weed. According to Raki, Jai grew some of it himself in a secret location somewhere and sold it to a bunch of mobsters over the border. It was hard to know with those guys where fact and fantasy began and ended, but the weed was good and not too pricey, so no one was about to call them on what may or may not have been bullshit.

  Loren leaned against one of the cars, hands deep in her coat. Julie Roth, seemingly impervious to the cold, sprawled on the bonnet next to her, laughing hysterically. ‘Fuck, where are the stars tonight!’ she said, taking a deep drag on a joint. ‘I love looking at the stars when I’m stoned.’

  Loren, looking closer to hand, could see the end of the joint glow bright orange, hear the paper crackle. She put her hand out. ‘Don’t hog it.’

  Julie propped herself up. The bonnet of the car made a dull pop underneath her as she moved. ‘Shit, I hope I haven’t broken something.’

  Loren grabbed the joint from Julie’s hand and took a toke while Julie slithered down beside her and turned to check if she’d left a dent. ‘All good,’ she said, although Loren wasn’t sure what she could see out here as the light was so faint. No moon tonight, lots of cloud. The nearest street lamp was fifty metres away.

  Just then, the muted thud of the party inside the house broke into a sharp vignette of music and voices as someone opened the front door. Julie looked over and said, ‘Oh god, it’s the man of my dreams.’ Loren looked up but she couldn’t see who it was now the door was closed.

  Seconds later she heard a voice. ‘Lore?’

  Loren straightened up, her heart beginning to pound as though she’d been caught out doing something.

  ‘Lore?’

  Beside her Julie giggled. ‘Is that you, Troy-boy?’

  ‘Jeez, Julie.’ Troy appeared beside them. ‘Who’s got the spliff?’

  ‘I have. Jai gave me two of them.’

  ‘Jai wants to get into your pants,’ Troy laughed, taking the joint from Julie’s fingers.

  ‘Ugh. Well, he’s not going to.’

  ‘Were you looking for me?’ asked Loren as she watched Troy put the glowing embers to his mouth and inhale.

  He paused for a moment, then exhaled slowly. ‘Ah. I was looking for Scott, thought you might know where he is.’

  ‘No idea,’ she replied lazily. ‘I am not my brother’s keeper.’

  Julie laughed and retrieved her can of beer from the bonnet of the car. ‘What time is it? I have to be home by one.’

  ‘This party’s closing down anyway,’ said Troy. ‘I reckon we should head off.’

  ‘Give me a lift,’ said Julie in a little girl voice.’

  ‘I’m too gone to drive,’ said Troy. ‘You’ll have to find someone else.’

  ‘You going to leave the ute here?’ asked Loren.

  ‘Scotty can give me a lift.’ He was standing close to her now, almost touching her, swaying just a little.

  ‘And me too?’ said Julie, still using her girly voice.

  The joint between Troy’s fingers was down to a stub. ‘You’re going to burn yourself,’ Loren said.

  ‘Aw, shit.’ He dropped it on the ground. ‘You and your stumpy joints, Julie.’

  ‘You’ve thrown away a good roach,’ she said indignantly.

  ‘Don’t worry, you’ve got a lifeline to Jai.’

  Julie sighed dramatically. ‘There’s only so much I can get for free.’

  Troy let out a harsh laugh and leaned forward, his head resting on Loren’s shoulder. ‘Let’s find your brother,’ he murmured. He reached down and gripped her hand and yanked her forward, pulling her up the street and into the darkness away from Julie.

  ‘What are you doing?’ hissed Loren.

  He put on an American backwoods accent. ‘Just going up here a ways.’

  Behind them Loren could hear Julie’s annoyed, slurring voice. ‘I see how it is, you two. Go on. Fuck off then.’

  They were close to the river; the grass was longer here and Loren could feel the wet blades flick against her legs as Troy pulled her along towards the bank.

  ‘What are we doing?’ asked Loren uncertainly.

  Troy came to a halt and, unable to see in the darkness, she piled into him. He must have turned at the same time because in the suddenness of it all she could feel his chest against her face, then his hands move to clasp the top of her shoulders. She looked up, seeing just a vague shadow, but could feel his hair brush across her eyes, his forehead touch hers, his nose against hers. A small twist to the side and his lips were on her lips. She could taste beer and tobacco, feel the pressure of his tongue against her teeth. His hands ran down her arms and around her back. Hers moved upward to his face. She could barely see anything in the gloom, but she could feel his skin, the jut of his cheekbone, the softness of his hair. Hear his rushed breathing.

  A beam of light passed behind them. The headlights of a car. They pulled away from each other as the vehicle came to a halt at the end of the road close to where they stood. The lights went off and someone got out, slammed the door hard.

  ‘Hey!’ It was Scott. ‘Been looking for you. Shit, it’s dark here. Who’s that?’

  ‘Who’s what?’ Loren answered, thinking he’d been talking to her.

  ‘It’s you!’ Scott sounded surprised to hear his sister’s voice. ‘Oh wow.’ He laughed. ‘Sorry. You two, I never thought. Shit.’

  Troy stepped away from Loren, waded back through the grass to Scott and slapped him on the back. ‘What’s up?’ he asked. Loren was suddenly unsure of what Troy would do. Was he going to pretend he hadn’t been with her?

  ‘I’m taking Mike home,’ said Scott. ‘You want to come? Go for a drive.’

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ said Troy. He turned to Loren who was just behind him now and grabbed her hand. ‘That party was getting boring.’

  ‘That why you two are out here, is it?’ said Scott with a cynical little laugh as he opened his car door.

  Back at the house the party was dispersing, just a few kids now milling around outside. Melissa and Josh were standing with Mike, passing a bottle of bourbon from one to another. Troy put his arm around Loren’s shoulder, took the bottle from Mike and had a swig, offered it to Loren who shook her head.

  ‘I’ll throw up if I drink that,’ she said, already feeling a little woozy from the dope and some liquid concoction she’d had earlier.

  Scott was waiting by the car. ‘Come on, passengers,’ he said, his voice raised over its throaty purr. He was leaning in the space between the open door and the body of the car, his foot on the bottom of the door jamb, his arms spread across the roof, his hands drumming a slow tattoo. ‘Tired of fucking waiting.’

  ‘Keep your hair on,’ said Josh, grabbing the bottle of bourbon and heading for the far side of the car.

  Mike and Melissa jumped into the front seat, Melissa sitting on his knee. Troy and Loren went in the back next to Josh. Scott pumped up the music, Eddie Vedder’s voice raging through the speakers. Beside Loren, Troy wound down the window and screamed a whoop as Scott hammered the accelerator and the car fishtailed up the street.

&nb
sp; ‘Christ,’ Melissa squealed, pulling the seatbelt across her and Mike. ‘Wait up, you madman!’

  Troy leaned forward to Scott, raised his voice. ‘You can drop me off after Mike. Okay?’

  ‘You don’t want to get the ute?’ Scott said.

  ‘Nah, mate. Just drop me home. I’ll get it tomorrow.’

  Loren gripped Troy’s leg above the knee and pushed her fingers in deep.

  ‘Ow,’ he said.

  ‘I don’t want you to go,’ she hissed into his ear.

  Josh passed the bourbon across to Troy and he gripped the neck and took a long swig. ‘I can’t be too late tonight. Dad’ll be pissed off. Gotta pile of work to do for school. He’s been fucking relentless about it.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ she asked him and watched as he took another long slug.

  He whispered, ‘He wants me to do business at uni. I won’t get in.’

  ‘You don’t know.’

  ‘Ha! Have to be a miracle. I’m too fucking dumb.’

  ‘You’re not dumb.’

  Troy gulped down the last of the bottle. ‘No more!’ he declared loudly, tipping it up.

  ‘You bastard,’ said Josh.

  ‘I’ve got a tinny,’ said Mike, passing a can over the seat.

  ‘You are not dumb,’ Loren said again, close to Troy’s ear so it was more of a tickle than a sentence.

  He laughed and pushed his face into hers, biting her lips. His hand ran down her arm, his body constrained from turning further by the seatbelt.

  Suddenly he pulled back, his body lurching in time to the music. ‘Fuck yeah!’ he yelled.

  They were on one of the back roads now. Loren looked out through the windscreen in front of her and saw an avenue of ghost gums guarding the bitumen, their branches like great white arms bending forward, threatening to scoop up the car as it passed below.

  ‘I need a piss,’ Josh yelled after a few minutes.

  ‘What the hell!’ Melissa yelled as Scott slammed on the brakes and they slid to a halt. Black Sabbath blared into the night while they waited for Josh.

  When he returned Mike said, ‘Hey, what about my driving lesson?’

  ‘Jesus H Christ,’ said Scott. ‘Timing, mate!’

  ‘Yeah, come on,’ Mike urged as Josh got in and slammed the door.

  Scott laughed and opened his door and they swapped seats, necessitating Melissa to get in and out again as well, sitting on Scott’s knee once the changes were made. She looked over the back of the seat and winked at Loren.

  Loren wasn’t surprised. She’d been wondering about that state of affairs. She didn’t think Mike was really her type, but then what would she know. Melissa was in year twelve with the boys, she wasn’t one of her friends.

  Mike took off then, driving slowly down the road, turning into a farm driveway and then turning back. Scott cracked open another can of beer. ‘Free!’ he proclaimed. ‘Free!’ It wasn’t clear what he was free of—maybe the tyranny of the steering wheel—but whatever it was he was enjoying it. Loren looked at Troy and he laughed. Scott turned the music up louder, a driving relentless throb filling the car.

  Mike pulled off the road at the entrance to his house. He wouldn’t drive down. His dad had to get up for milking in the morning; Mike wouldn’t be popular if he woke him up. He waited until Scott came back around to the driver’s side and leaned back into the car to say goodnight. No special treatment for Melissa, Loren noted. She also noted Scott lurch slightly as he climbed back in and the look on his face as he turned to Melissa. He wanted to impress her. She could see that now. What a strange pair they would make. The revhead and the netball queen. The only thing they had in common right now, Loren observed, was that they were both cactus.

  Scott put his foot down on the accelerator and the car skittered up the road. ‘Gonna take a long cut home,’ he said to no one in particular. ‘Scenic route.’

  Loren placed her head on Troy’s shoulder, inhaling the boozy, sharp smell of him, listening to him chorus along with Bon Jovi, feeling his voice vibrate through her body. She thumped him playfully on the arm and he bent his head and looked at her, grinning. Lori felt a mad symphonic swell of emotion inside her and thought that she had never truly known what happiness was until that moment; never understood that the future could hold such possibilities.

  She glanced ahead. Scott had turned the corner into an old side road that wound its way down to Allens Road, another route back to town. It wouldn’t be too long until they were dropping Troy at his house. She turned her face up towards his, hardly daring to believe the realness of him next to her. He leaned towards her, his eyes hooded. Deftly, she unclicked her belt, then reached over, running her hand across the front of his jeans as she did, and unclicked his. Suddenly they were free, their bodies liberated from constraint. He twisted fully towards her but just as his lips touched hers he pulled away momentarily and shouted to Scott, ‘Can’t this car go any faster, mate? Come on! You’re too slow, too slow.’

  Scott laughed, turned up the music and floored the accelerator, and the car surged forward, propelling them into the darkness ahead.

  Acknowledgements

  Thanks to everyone at Allen & Unwin, especially Jane Palfreyman for her enthusiasm for this book, Christa Munns for her editorial care and Simone Ford for her close reading and insightful editing.

  I am deeply grateful for the encouragement and support I have received in my writing life, especially from Wendy Anderson, Barry Watts and Lee Walker. I would also like to acknowledge Varuna, The Writer’s House, which not only provided me with a space in the early days of shaping the manuscript for this book but also gave me faith in its future prospects.

  My heartfelt appreciation goes to Julie Wells and Greg Connolly for their generosity in reading and responding to the manuscript and, most especially, to Jenny Hellen who had belief from the beginning and without whose unflagging enthusiasm this book would not exist. Finally, all my love and thanks to Greg, Aidan and Madi Connolly: my nearest and dearest, and constant inspirations.