Past, Future, & Present Danger (Book Two of The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue)

by Joshua Price

  At the end of the lobby, the gang turned down a hallway that stretched all the way to the other end of the building. On their right, a wall inset with a sparklingly clear window. Captain Rescue pressed his face against it, trying to figure out what was on the other side. Beyond the glass was a clear cell filled with a cloudy gas that obstructed their view of whatever was inside. As they came to the center of the hallway, the gang pair of automatic doorways that led into the center of the building. Next to the doorway, a panel against the wall glowed green. Captain Rescue glanced to the others, seeking permission to press it. The others just shrugged indifferently at him. It was not as if they had other, more pressing concerns; it would not be long before the apes broke their way in here, especially if George simply disintegrated the malfunctioning door with his super weapon. Captain Rescue pressed the panel, which beeped as the doors opened. He stepped through its threshold, followed closely by everyone else.

  Inside the building’s belly, a large containment cell stretched a few stories upwards. Captain Rescue pressed the palm of his hand against the outer shell and then did the same with his face, straining to look through the fog at whatever this mysterious container contained. He exhaled deeply and watched the fog cover the plastic-like material before inhaling to shrink it. Captain Rescue was completely oblivious to the string of gasps that came from his friends as he sat there breathing against the cell, watching condensation appear and then disappear. The others kept perfectly quiet, afraid to say anything. Gradually, the hero realized that something quite large had been leaving its own condensation directly opposite his.

  Captain Rescue gulped and stepped back. He peered into the cell, but the thick fog hid this mysterious prisoner. He reached forward and put his hand to the plastic-like material. Slowly, a pink form emerged from the depths of the fog and placed a scrawny pink hand up to this. Captain Rescue cooed like a little infant as Ralph pressed his snout against the cell, leaving a trail of moisture as he breathed against it. The dinosaur seemed lethargic, almost sedated, and soon curled up on the ground near the heroes.

  “We have to get him out of there,” Captain Rescue cried desperately.

  “Are you entire sure that’s wise?” Charlie replied as he leaned in towards the giant cell.

  “I don’t care!”

  “What if they brainwashed him to eat you.”

  “Then I will be eaten,” Captain Rescue replied confidently.

  “You’re awfully attached to a dinosaur you barely know.”

  “I have known him for over three years.”

  Dr. Malevolent twitched. “Not this again.”

  Charlie put the puzzle pieces together: “That weird gas must be some kind of sedative to keep him from being too rambunctious or causing any trouble.”

  Captain Rescue snatched the laser rifle loosely held by the bunny rabbit and slammed the butt of it against the cell. While this etched scuff marks across the face, the giant box made no signs of giving way. He ineptly flipped the rifle around, almost dropping it, and pulled the trigger. Laser-spray splattered against the cell like raindrops, giving those scuffmarks scorches to go along with them. All this work and the eggshell showed no signs of breaking and releasing the giant bird kept within.

  Freight growled and pushed Captain Rescue aside, he would take it from here. The man placed the butt of his rifle upon the ground and rested it against his leg. He then placed his hands upon his square chin and gave his neck a loud pop. Freight picked the laser rifle back up, held it high into the air with both hands, and then stretched from left to right as his back popped in accordance. Mostly likely just showing off, he spun the rifle in his hands like a baton, eventually letting it stop with the butt facing Ralph’s cell. Freight leaned backwards like a lever ready to snap and then launched his arms forward. A low thump echoed through the room as the rifle collided with the cell, but the entire structure remained intact.

  Captain Rescue chuckled, thinking that not even Freight could crack this egg. However, as everyone was quickly learning, nothing existed that Freight could not break—this included. Stretching out from the point of impact, cracks started to inch their way outwards, infecting the cell like a disease. Line upon line drew its way around, soon covering every inch of it. Freight cracked a smirk and then flicked the shell with his finger. It collapsed, spilling tiny glass shards on the ground like a droplet of water.

  The thick grey smoke filling the chamber immediately flooded into the rest of the room. Within seconds, lethargy overtook the heroes, who suddenly felt compelled to lie down in the corner of the room and take a short catnap. Captain Rescue shook his head, trying to stay awake. Before his eyes rolled into the back of his head, he remembered something. The hero dove into his utility belt and pulled out a handful of tiny nose-sized respirators. He handed the crime fighting gadgets to the others. As they shoved the tiny white objects into their noses, Ralph lifted his head from the clouds and breathed fresh air for the first time in years. The pink Tyrannosaurus Rex let loose a formidable roar just as an explosion rocked the building’s entrance.

  Chapter 17: Don’t Send a Monkey to do an Ape’s Job

  George ducked as he entered building through the debris-riddled hole. Following in his wake, dozens of his underlings swarmed in with their laser rifles at the ready. The ape was sure that, by now, those humans had not only freed the dinosaur, but also the tranquilizing gas filling its prison. With any luck, George would find them all fast asleep and ripe for disintegration with the mammoth super weapon still perched on his shoulder. Maybe then, he could get a portrait of his own.

  He turned left down the hallway, retracing their footsteps and letting his mind wander as he considered the portrait possibilities. Duplicating the dolphin’s artwork exactly would be lazy; he would have to do something original, something creative. Perhaps he could commission an artist to paint him standing upon a pile of dead humans. No, better yet, standing upon the ones he now chased with the stupid one’s stupid face clearly visible. The super weapon raised victoriously into the air with both hands.

  George turned down the hallway, the dinosaur’s prison just on the other side of the wall. All was silent and the thinning fog made it difficult to tell what was going on inside the room. He strained to catch a glimpse of those damn humans, their giant pink friend, or anything in between, but all remained quiet. George stared into the containment room, waiting, watching. Then, flying out from the depths of the fog, the giant pink head of a Tyrannosaurus Rex struck the wall, sending his men stumbling, but George, much like Freight, never lost his balance. He glanced through the cracked glass before him and had just enough time to brace himself and his face as the dinosaur crashed once more into the wall, practically knocking it over and raining shards of glass on him and his men. The ape looked down the hallway to where the double sliding doors leading into the containment cell had fallen over and gas spilled into the hallway.

  “Find them!” George bellowed in his own language. His men climbed through the broken windows and fallen doors. “And try not to get eaten while you’re at it,” he added.

  The ape lifted his weapon, aimed it at the destroyed wall, and then began charging it. After a few seconds, he released the trigger and watched the orb melt into the debris, instantly disintegrating a large portion of it. George stepped into the room and waved the gas from his face. The ape scanned the area, looking for either his men or the dinosaur. A roar pierced his ears and he looked around, sure that the damn lizard was somewhere nearby. George spun around half expecting the beast to have somehow crept up behind him. It had not. He faced into the destroyed cage once more just as a single laser burst flew out of the fog and struck his shoulder. The ape did not budge a muscle as his suit absorbed the impact.

  A caped purple figure pranced through the fog, visible for but a moment. George fired a slew of small red orbs at it, hoping to catch stupid and put him out of his misery for once and for all. As the orbs cut through the fog, vaporizing the grey smoke they came into con
tact with, an idea popped into the ape’s head. With his super weapon, he could easily get rid of all this fog and make his job, as well as the job of his simple-minded underlings, exponentially easier. Like a suave gangster with a tommy gun, George sprayed tiny red orbs across the room, eating away at the fog.

  He pointed the weapon at the ceiling, started to charge it, and then waited. After the orb reached a ridiculous and frightening size, George released it and watched it float gradually upwards like a sunrise. The orb instantly disintegrated a portion of the ceiling as sunlight and pink rain poured into the building. The ape lips went crooked. He was unsure if this was a good or bad thing, but the bigfoot was willing to stand by the outcome regardless. George was an ape of conviction. So it did not appear accidental, he fired additional orbs of roughly the same size upwards, creating an undue amount of circular sunroofs.

  George looked down. He could actually see now—see his allies lying dead on the floor, see those pesky humans hiding behind their even peskier giant pink dinosaur. He could see, as a large section of the ceiling collapsed, that installing all of those sunroofs was a bad idea. The ape, while no architect, should have suspected that disintegrating random pieces of a building would cause some major structural repercussions. Taking his minor failing in stride, George made his way around the rubble pile as more pieces of the ceiling fell strategically, and quite dramatically, all around him.

  Within a few seconds, he could see his targets again and took aim just as the pink monstrosity took notice of him. It immediately tried to scare him off with one of those roar things it did. George would not let some lizard’s vain attempt at intimidating frighten him. He took aim and fired a miniscule orb that darted across the room, crashed into its hide, and did a whole lot of nothing. He held the trigger, charging up, and then released another orb that ambled its way over to the dinosaur. At the last second, Ralph ducked and the orb passed over his shoulders. The swirling energy hit the wall behind the dinosaur, carved a nice hole, and exposed the space-age material within.

  George showed no signs of fear as the dinosaur began sprinting for him, its mouth curved into a snarl. The bigfoot lifted the weapon once more, charged an orb, and let it go a few seconds later. As the surprisingly nimble lizard easily evaded it, George looked down at the super weapon wondering who invented something so asinine. Anything with half a brain, be it human, dinosaur, ape, dolphin, or otherwise could easily avoid the projectiles. George should have read the instruction manual, he had no idea what the weapon’s true purpose was. He just liked big things. Staring down at the unwieldy weapon, he realized he probably had its purpose entirely wrong. Perhaps, the asinine inventor meant for it to clear debris. If that was the case, it did its job quite well.

  George shrugged, dropped the useless weapon, and looked up just before a certain dinosaur crashed into him. Without missing a beat, the ape leapt out of the way. Then, in a feat of some kind of intelligence, the dinosaur spun around, crashed its snout into George’s chest, and sent him rocketing into the air. As Elvis left the building, he could see the loud, annoying human stories below scurry up to the giant weapon and pick it up. George rolled his eyes as he exited through one of the sunroofs he installed and entered the sky above the city. It was as if some unknown force had plucked him from the ground and now carried him away. Then, it let go. The ape felt himself plummeting fast towards the ground, and he only hoped that his armor could absorb the impact, or he would most definitely die. Then, the ape smacked the ground and everything went black.

  ***

  George was unsure how long he lost consciousness, if at all. He sat up, grass stains lining his back. The ape looked towards the building that had just ejected him and then found himself startled by the dozen or so bigfoot that had crept up behind him and were now yelling at the back of his head for orders. Still dazed, George pointed at the dinosaur’s prison, giant sections of the roof missing, and yelled, “They’re in there!”

  That, however, was soon to be a misnomer. At about the same time his underlings made a mad dash for the building, something came crashing through the wall—a certain purple-clad superhero riding atop a certain pink dinosaur. The giant lizard stood in the gaping hole and towered over the apes with rubble all around. It opened its jaws wide and roared a warning in their general direction, letting them know that if they did not back away now, the dinosaur would eat every one of them.

  Chapter 18: Some Things Do Go According to Plan

  With a tremendous roar, Ralph punched through the shattered remains of his prison and galloped headfirst into the cluster of dumbfounded apes before him, pinning a slower one underneath his massive talons while the others scattered like ants. Chuckling with prehistoric superiority, Ralph lowered his head, grabbed the bigfoot between his teeth, and gave it a sharp tug that tore it clean it two. Ralph tossed the severed and momentarily conscious torso into the air, and it spun end over end gushing blood like a fountain until hitting the ground inches in front of George, issuing him a direct challenge. The torso looked up to its leader; everything happened so fast that he had no idea his legs were gone or that blood spilled from the wound. His lights permanently went out as George stepped over him, ready to give these damn humans the fight they wanted.

  The ape, ready to punch this lizard’s lights out, burst into sprint. Ralph gave a quick and thunderous roar and then lunged forward, unintentionally kicking the severed legs aside. They headed straight for each other while the bigfoot in their path leapt out of the way. While large himself, George was no dinosaur. Maybe the ape knew this, maybe he didn’t, but the fact he had no hesitation when sprinting straight for one only proved how deluded he was, deluded by awesomeness—and possibly the misconception that he was a prehistoric beast.

  Just before the two crashed into each other, George leapt into the air and grabbed hold of the dinosaur’s tiny arm. Then, utilizing his primate prowess, he swung upwards letting his feet led the way to the dinosaur’s pink jaw, and then the two met in a monstrous crash. Ralph faltered, but righted himself quickly. The ape went around for another pass and gave the dinosaur another kick to the face. Again, the dinosaur faltered, but Ralph was no slouch and easily shook it off. Then, George got a little greedy. When he went around for thirds, Ralph snatched his leg between his teeth and threw the monkey off to the side as Captain Rescue cheered his dinosaur on. George hit the ground, rolled, and then got to his feet with his leg still intact due to the space-age armor protecting it.

  While skimming the grass with his head, Ralph gave another monstrous bellow as George just stood there. After the dinosaur finished showing off, the ape took a step forward limping subtly. While the armor kept Ralph from tearing his leg off, it still hurt, and he might have even broken something. The ape decided to avoid the dinosaur and let it have its fun. He just laughed; George knew that despite their giant pink ally, his men had these pesky humans pinned down. It might take the rest of the day for the four of them to kill all of his men, and even then, he had many to spare.

  ***

  With George’s super weapon perched upon his shoulder, Freight disintegrated ape after ape. As the nullifications enveloped him in a euphoric blood rage, he began laughing like a mad man as the bigfoot glowed bright red and then faded into the nothingness. He could get used to this future thing; or better yet, he could bring it back with him. Freight caught a glimpse of George standing arrogantly amidst the nullification and took aim for him. He let a decently sized orb charge before finally releasing it, watching as it headed straight for the monkey. For a moment, he thought he had George, who did not attempt to move. Instead, he just stood there smirking with his arms crossed. Freight watched the swirling ball of plasma hit the ape and do absolutely nothing, completely absorbed by his armor.

  The giant man looked around. The damn dirty apes were closing in, and there was nothing he could do about it. To his left, Charlie took cover behind a pile of rubble while picking off what apes he could while trying his best not to get his head blown of
f. To Freight’s right, Dr. Malevolent was nowhere to be seen. Then, as if she knew he was looking for her, a single glob of plasma flew over his shoulder. Freight glanced behind to see the super villain hiding inside the building as she gave the small laser pistol a workout. Captain Rescue, strangely enough, was the only one really doing anything special, but he had a dinosaur, so that didn’t count. Then it hit Freight, they were not escaping, they were not going to get out of here alive. This was a last stand; they were going to die here. Freight shrugged indifferently. He always wanted to show death who was boss.

  ***

  Captain Rescue cheered from atop Ralph’s shoulders as he and his pet fought off an army of bigfoot. Sure, he loved the apes; sure, he wanted to be their friend, but they were trying to murder him. As a laser burned a hole through his cape, the hero decided he did not need any more friends, which sucked for them. Captain Rescue was a great friend, and he would have Ralph here teach that small lesson the hard way.

  He gave the dinosaur’s shoulder a pat as his head swept across the apes, knocking hordes of them over. Captain Rescue could do this all night, but it seemed George had other ideas in mind. Out of the corner of his eye, Captain Rescue could see a pair of apes carrying a large two-barreled weapon. He kept watching as the two apes handed it over to George, who lifted it onto his shoulder and aimed directly for Ralph. The hero slapped his dinosaur and pointed, and as Ralph shot a glance at George and his super weapon, the ape smiled and fired off two tether-bound cylinders.

  The hero was unsure of this strange weapon’s purpose as the two shafts spread out and pulled the tether taut. He kept watching as the cable hit Ralph’s legs and immediately started to wrap around them. Captain Rescue held on for dear life as the dinosaur lost his balance and rocked from left to right. Finally, Ralph fell and threw the hero from his back. Captain Rescue smacked into the ground and rolled across the grass before coming to a stop and flinging his cape out of his eyes. He and his compadre exchanged glances as Ralph let out a compassionate cry and thrashed about. The dinosaur was intent on keeping the crowding bigfoot from getting too close to his master. He cried out again, urging Captain Rescue to get away while he still could. The hero climbed to his feet and outstretched both of his arms longingly as he backed away from Ralph.