by Joshua Price
Feet clattered against the glossy black floor tiles as they traversed the lobby, and the abstract white lines, alive and aware of their presence, flowed in rhythm to their footsteps. As the group stopped, so did the lines. Captain Rescue waved at them, and in return, they formed a disembodied hand and waved back. The hero and the lines continued greeting each other as his friends resumed their journey across the lobby. Once Captain Rescue’s feet finally resumed their shuffle, so did the lines. The gang reached the halfway point and the rather large elevator opened its doors, luring them closer.
“Hold on a second!” Dr. Malevolent said with a very apparent twinge of annoyance.
Charlie immediately knew right where the good doctor was headed. “Yeah, it’s probably a trap.”
“And you’re okay with this?”
“I like traps,” Captain Rescue’s absentminded voice trailed off as he pondered on the many ways one could kill him.
Charlie shrugged. “I don’t really see any other option. We need that lamp.”
“And if the elevator kills us?”
“Well… then we won’t need the lamp.”
Dr. Malevolent just shook her head and laughed at his sarcasm.
The doors opened and closed a few more times in an impatient attempt to hurry the gang up. Heedlessly, Captain Rescue pranced into the elevator and waved everyone else in, but before they could enter, the doors closed around the hero, and he yelped like a frightened child. Lights above the death trap began to flicker as Dr. Malevolent glanced down at her watch in boredom. With the elevator shaking violently, Captain Rescue began to scream bloody murder until everything went quiet. Then, shoots to the left and right of the death chamber opened and a thick red liquid drained out.
Dr. Malevolent wiped a spec of blood from her eyelid. “See, I told you it was a trap.”
The doors opened once more, revealing an empty elevator. Just when the death of Captain Rescue had begun to set it, he jumped out from the corner and yelled, “Boo!”
“You are something else,” the super villain sighed.
Captain Rescue ignored her words and patted the elevator. “Good one, buddy.”
The elevator chirped gleefully.
Freight stuck his finger into the red puddle and then licked the tip. “This blood—it is real.”
In response, the elevator played a series of low, ominous chirps.
Captain Rescue shrugged as the others climbed into the elevator.
“Would you leave that hunk of junk behind,” Dr. Malevolent said as she pointed at Freight’s nullifier.
“Why would I ever do something that foolish?” Freight replied as he hunched over and backed his way into the elevator. The Nullifier scraped across the ground, cutting marks into the tiles.
As the pair of elevator doors shut and melded together as one, a single button emerged from within the seamless dark grey wall and beckoned their touch. Captain Rescue, who could not really resist touching anything that beckoned him, reached a hand forward and almost pressed the button when Dr. Malevolent swatted his hand away.
Before she could say anything, Captain Rescue spun around snarling at her, “We came here to save the world, now we’re in an elevator with no exit, and the only thing we can do is press this button! So, let me press it!”
She threw her hands up. “Your funeral!”
He smacked the button with the tip of his finger. “Damn right it is!”
The elevator began its ascent immediately as the lights lining both sides blinked upwards.
Captain Rescue whistled nonchalantly and soon asked, “So elevator, how high are we going?”
The elevator made a series of beeps, starting at a low pitch and growing higher.
“Oh, that high?”
The elevator beeped once and ascended even faster. As floor after floor zipped past, Captain Rescue could feel himself getting heavier, but he had no clue why—an understanding of this gravity thing eluded him to this day. He straightened his posture and clenched every muscle in his body to avoid pancakeification. When the ride finished, the elevator stopped abruptly and Captain Rescue felt himself become immediately lighter, almost lifted off the ground. The button disappeared back into the elevator and the seam separating the two doors reappeared. The elevator waited there for a few seconds, teasing the gang before opening up. Then, just like one of its more simple-minded counterparts, it rang a high bitched chime and slid open its doors. The heroes were immediately blinded by an immense amount of whiteness. In a dark stronghold such as this, it was no wonder something so white was so unexpected. After the gang left the elevator, it beeped goodbye, closed its doors, and disappeared into the wall.
The fashion designer who decorated this futuristic castle of death must have forgotten about this empty chamber, because it contained no furnishings what so ever. The gang stepped forward as their feet clattered against the smooth white floor, which connected directly to the smooth white walls, and those smooth white walls connected directly to the smooth white ceiling. The elevator had dropped them off in a claustrophobic cube of whiteness. As the gang approached the center, unsure of what exactly the purpose of all this was, a small hole appeared in the ceiling and then expanded to a size large enough to fit something like a dolphin through, and then their enemy appeared.
Floating on smooth dark grey batwings, a dolphin descended into the claustrophobic cube of whiteness. This creature had taken genetic modification to the next level, the bonus stage. It had done away with both flippers and its fluke and replaced them with human-like arms and legs. The dolphin/human/bat hybrid stared down at the gang as its eyes sparkled with condemnation as well as insanity. No armor of any kind protected this dolphin, or clothes for that matter, it was just the way God never intended it to be. In one hand it held the magical lamp they needed to get out of this psych ward, and in the other, for some reason, it had Freight’s shotgun.
The lumberjack pointed his beloved and bellowed an ultimatum, “Hand over the shotgun, and maybe the lamp, and I won’t tear those wings off.”
The dolphin cackled maniacally, and then replied in a high-pitched wail that matched its high-pitched, ear-piercing voice, “THIS? This thing? You want it? You can have it! I thought maybe it was special, the way you talk to it all the time, but it’s just a weapon, a boring weapon!”
The shotgun tumbled from the batolphin’s hand. Freight jumped into action as he released his grip on The Nullifier and let it fall to the ground. The giant man leapt into the air and snatched Courtney. He held the shotgun close and kissed it, a passionate kiss of two lovers reunited. Freight flipped it around and fired at this freak of an adversary, who darted out of the slug’s paths in the blink of an eye. He frowned and shoved the shotgun under his belt for safekeeping.
“I am far too powerful for you and your puny little weapon to defeat!”
Dr. Malevolent raised her hand. “Actually, we can just take the lamp and leave, and you can continue to do whatever it is you’re doing here unimpeded.”
“Do you actually believe I am that foolish?”
“Uh,” she paused, “I’d hoped so, yes.”
“Then you were gravely mistaken, for this tower shall be your tomb!”
The heroes could feel the entire spire erupt into a mild earthquake that shook them off balance.
“What’s this witchcraft?!” Captain Rescue bellowed, scared he would soon be turned into a toad.
“This… witchcraft,” the batolphin cackled, “is simply dolphin engineering at its finest. You see, this spire isn’t just a building, it’s an extension of me.”
The gang could suddenly feel the entire building start to shake and vibrate, and then rhythmic pounding, as if it were walking.
Charlie laughed. “Where… are you taking us?”
The dolphin glanced around suspiciously, insanely. “Nowhere, just out for a stroll!”
“So, uh,” Captain Rescue began, “if this entire building is a body, and we are in the middle of it, then… are we i
n your stomach?”
“Yes! Yes! Stomach, perfect comparison!”
Charlie gulped. “I certainly don’t like the sound of that.”
“So,” the flying creature said as four shoots opened and a bubbling opaque liquid began pouring down from the ceiling, “without further ado, prepare for digestion!”
Captain Rescue’s teeth clattered. “That would be stomach acid then wouldn’t it.”
“Why yes, I would imagine so,” Charlie answered.
The acid poured onto the reinforced floor and then started to inch its way towards them, leaving the gang with a finite amount of time before it ate them alive. Not a fan of being eaten alive, Captain Rescue screeched and hopped into Freight’s arms. In return, the giant man just growled and dropped him to his butt. In a panic, the hero got to his feet as the acid crept closer. He began jumping up and down hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could sprout wings and fly. If this dolphin could do it, there was nothing other than reality preventing Captain Rescue from flying too—except, of course, extensive genetic manipulation and future-madness. His garden variety of madness just would not cut it.
As the acid crept ever closer, Freight preventatively lifted The Nullifier off the ground and onto his shoulder.
Dr. Malevolent grabbed the weapon by the barrel. “Would you please get rid of that thing?”
“No, I will not.”
With one hand, Dr. Malevolent grabbed the weapon’s tip and tried to yank it from him, but Freight refused to let go. Her other hand entered the fray, and the two snarled at each other as they fought over the behemoth weapon. Then, without warning, it began creating an orb and the two of them, to avoid unwarranted nullification, abruptly ended their feud. Dr. Malevolent took a step back and removed her finger from the trigger as a swirling red orb flew towards the ceiling. The gang watched as this orb struck the smooth white material and instantly disintegrated it, leaving behind a nice hole and a light bulb over the weapon.
Freight pointed at the corner of the room, where a column of acid spilled onto the floor, “Let’s Swiss Cheese this mother fu—”
“Language!” Captain Rescue interrupted.
Freight took aim for the base of an acid waterfall and released an orb that melted straight through the floor. The lumberjack then melted holes beneath the other three waterfalls. He waited patiently, and just before the acid could burn its way through the soles of their shoes, the sea began to recede. The noxious liquid drained through the floor and into the rest of the building to wreak untold havoc. Freight pointed The Nullifier at the flying dolphin.
“Your move,” he taunted.
The dolphin’s wings beat faster and faster in frustration, and then it let out a defeating cry. “This minor victory… will not save you! You’re doomed! All of you! Doomed!”
“You are all sorts of insane, aren’t you?” Freight asked as he fired a thick, expansive volley of tiny orbs as the dolphin. The creature tried as it might to avoid them, but a few of swirling red orbs pierced its thin batwings. As the dolphin began careening out of control, Freight dove into his pocket, grabbed one of the urinal cakes, and took aim.
The dolphin righted itself, hovered haphazardly in midnight, and let out another maniacal cackle. “That? What do you plan to do with that? I haven’t used the restroom in years!”
Freight grinned at the insane creature. “This? This isn’t for you.”
The dolphin looked curiously on as Freight pulled his arm back. Then, with a manly thrust, he launched the urinal cake at the batdolphin. At nearly the speed of a bullet, the cake rocketed through the air. Then, with a resonating ding, it hit its mark and the lamp flew from the dolphin’s hands. It tumbled end over end as the flying creature darted for it, impeded by its wounded wings. Dr. Malevolent let out a startled gasp as Freight wrapped his hand around her waist and launched her into the air. She went with it anyway and crashed shoulder-first into the wounded dolphin, snatched the lamp out from under it, and landed like a cat upon the ground. It let out an ear-piercing cry, and then, without saying goodbye, the dolphin began to spin violently fast before suddenly disappearing as it jumped to some other time and place.
Freight and the others had only moments to bask in the glory of their success over the forces of evil before the entire spire started to come down around them. The acid had seeped into every nook and granny, giving this spire a bad case of the cramps. Now, it was coming down all around them—and violently.
“We’re all gonna die!” Captain Rescue wailed as he got to his hands and knees and buried his head between his legs.
“What on earth are you doing out there,” the familiar voice of a genie said from inside its tiny lamp. Greg then suddenly appeared hovering before them. “What did you idiots manage to get yourself into now?”
Without saying a word, Freight pointed The Nullifier at the nearest wall and fired a massive orb to create a makeshift window for them to look through as they fell to their deaths.
“The situation,” Dr. Malevolent said with hurried composure as she pointed out the window, “is spiraling out of control.”
The bright pink sky faded to dark green zombie-covered grass as the robotic building fell. The destructive process dispelled the expansive energy field, which turned the sky blue and returned Greg’s more useful powers. Outside, the collapsing building created a scene that flew at them like a photographer pressing the zoom function. One by one, zombies gazed upwards and stared at the building about to crash down on their heads.
Captain Rescue, still on his hands and knees, crawled over to the genie and begged him to save their lives. “Please, you’ve got to do something! Save us! Save us!” His face went blank for a moment as he suddenly remembered something. “Save Ralph too!”
“I really don’t think there’s enough room in the lamp for your dinosaur, as much as I hate to say it, or actually, I derive much enjoyment out of your suffering.”
Captain Rescue opened his mouth to speak once more, but could not. He glanced around, confused, realizing no one else could talk either.
“Now, that you’ve all shut up,” Greg started, “or, now that I’ve shut you up, the plan all along was to save you pitiful creatures, so just sit tight, and yes, I’ll save you dumb dinosaur too.”
Captain Rescue could not find the words to describe the panic he felt (literally), so he just pointed at the perfectly circular window, in which the ground flew at them at an alarming rate. The genie had no intention of letting any of them die, but every intention of letting them think they were, so Greg just floated there in the center of the room while watching Captain Rescue gradually lose himself to panic. On the other side of the room, the gravity-commandeered nullifier flew from Freight’s hands and might have impaled Dr. Malevolent if she were not so quick on her feet. Just before allowing the ground to leave grass stains down to their colons, the genie blinked and instantly teleported everyone into the lamp, which—as a matter of fact—was still inside the spire as it collapsed. With the dampening field no longer dampening, the genie was free to repair the lamp instantly and whisk them away to some place safe.
After a blinding white light, Captain Rescue’s frantic panting slowed as he realized the walls surrounding him were no longer that of a collapsing building. The genie had done it. Or—had he? The hero’s face went white. Maybe this was death. Captain Rescue leapt to his feet and patted himself up and down to see if all his pieces were in order and that those pieces were not in the afterlife. After becoming reasonably sure that he was not six feet under, Captain Rescue sighed happily and looked around at the golden lamp protecting him. He slowly composed himself, and just in time.
“Ugh!” a voice across the lamp grunted. The hero spun around to see Stubbs on the floor missing both his legs.
“Stubbs!” Captain Rescue exclaimed. “What happened to your legs?!”
The zombie glared at him. “I don’t know. They were there the last time I checked.”
“Uh… oops?” Greg said as he hovered ov
er to the zombie.
Captain Rescue fell to his knees beside the zombie, and then shot a furious stare at Greg. “What did you do to him, you monster!”
“As much as I’d like to say this was intentional. It wasn’t. Teleporting living… or unliving... entities through time and space is tricky.” He turned to the living and laughed. “I guess you guys should be happy that happened to the dead guy and not any of you!”
Stubbs growled, “Can’t you do something to fix it?”
“You’re lucky I didn’t lose your head, you filthy zombie, but yes, I can fix it.”
As Greg began thrusting his arms into the air, lifting an unimaginably heavy object, twisting, eel-like light enveloped the zombie and then picked him up off the ground. The energy swirled around Stubbs, and within a few seconds, reconstruction of the zombie began. Piece by piece his legs came together and soon resembled their former shambling selves, but it did not stop there. As the spectacle continued, muscles, ligaments, organs, veins—all of it—began to fill the zombie’s body. Scars disappeared, hair reappeared, and cracked lips returned to their lovely pink selves.
Stubbs fell to the ground completely remade. “Am I… am I… alive?” the zombie stuttered still trying to understand what just happened.
The genie laughed. “No, I’m not a god—at least not quite. You’re still dead as a doornail. I’ve just ceased decomposition entirely and made you as good as you can be without blood pumping through your veins.”
The zombie, if you could still call him that, smiled brightly.
“Don’t get too excited, you won’t heal. So if you do something stupid, which you undoubtedly will, you’ll have to live with the damage for the rest of your life.” The genie paused for a moment. “Actually, you won’t age either, so you could live as long as you manage to keep yourself together.”
