Noah’s Reckoning: Alaska Dating Games Book 3

by Doyle, S

  * * *

  Ark

  “And that’s it. She’s not pregnant. Which I thought she would be thrilled about but it’s like she tucked herself inside some shell and I feel like I can’t reach her.”

  I glanced at Jenny who hands were curled around a mug of tea. She’d made one for me, too, but I was not a tea guy.

  “How do you feel about her?”

  “What are you talking about? You know my deal with Liv. Hell, when you first got here, I told you the whole date thing was just to get her jealous.”

  “So is she your girlfriend?”

  I winced at that. I didn’t do girlfriends. Girlfriends implied commitment, a future. When I had never wanted any of that. Elusive, alone that’s how I’d structured my life.

  Did I want something different now? Obviously not, if I was happy as I was about Olivia not being pregnant. No, that wasn’t fair. I was only happy that I hadn’t put her in a position where she didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t really thinking about a baby.

  Our baby.

  I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but it made me take a swig of tea.

  “No,” I said, rejecting the strange swirling in my gut. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

  She was my woman. Was that the same thing?

  “What then?”

  “What does it matter?” I asked frustrated. “We’re just doing our thing.”

  Jenny scrunched up her face. “You know I struggle with social norms. Labels are helpful for me to put things in context. You’re having sex, but there is no commitment. No emotion. Does that make her your mistress?”

  I laughed out loud at that. I could only imagine Olivia’s reaction to being called a mistress. But I considered what else Jenny said.

  “There’s emotion,” I admitted.

  There had to be, or I wouldn’t need to talk to Olivia every night. I wouldn’t have had her come to Hope’s Point just so I could see her. I wouldn’t be wondering how long I would need to wait to make it seem like a normal thing for me to head to Anchorage so I could see her again.

  I wouldn’t be sitting here trying to figure out how I screwed up this morning.

  “Emotion and sex, but not a girlfriend. This is very confusing. She was much clearer when she described her feelings toward you.”

  That had my eyes popping out. “She talked about me to you?”

  “Yes.”

  Holy shit. “Jenny, tell me what she said!”

  She shook her head. “No, it’s not right. They are her feelings to share or not. But I think both of you would make things easier on each other if you told the truth.”

  The truth.

  I guess I needed to figure out what that was.

  * * *

  Later that night…

  Olivia

  The phone rang and I debated simply not answering it. Maybe he would think I’d fallen asleep. Maybe he wouldn’t stop calling until I picked up. It was hard to know with Noah.

  I sat up in bed and reached for the phone on my nightstand.

  “Hi, Noah.”

  “Did you want to be pregnant? The truth, Liv.”

  Of course it couldn’t have been a simple phone sex call.

  I felt the tears that I’d suffocated all day rush to the surface. I tried to choke back a sob, but it escaped me.

  “Aw, Liv. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Then the words came rushing out. The truth.

  “How could I tell you? You were completely freaked out about the idea. You said we escaped a disaster. And maybe we did, because while I told myself I could have handled a baby on my own, I don’t know if I could. Then you would have been trapped. And I would have been the one to trap you and you would have resented me for that. So no, I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t. I’m just…sad. Can we leave it at that?”

  I heard him release a long breath. “I’m sorry, Liv. Sorry to hell I wasn’t more sensitive. More thoughtful of what you were feeling. But you didn’t tell me any of that. You shut me out.”

  I had. Because shutting him out had been easier than letting him in. I thought about what Jenny had said. That I should just tell Noah the truth. The truth I realized when I knew I couldn’t take the day-after pill. It would hurt because he couldn’t possibly feel what I did, but maybe it was the only option to see my way through this to other side. Because I couldn’t pretend anymore.

  I coughed out another sob even as my chest got tighter.

  “Talk to me, baby,” he said softly. “I can’t see what’s inside your head.”

  “I love you.”

  That was the truth. That was the thing I hadn’t been able to escape. I knew it when I threw away the pill. Knew this morning, when I had to grieve the reality that I wasn’t going to have Noah’s baby. That I wouldn’t be able to see his child with his eyes snuggled in my arms.

  I swallowed and waited for him to say something, but I knew it would be impossible for him. Beyond having shocked him with my confession, he wouldn’t know how to reply. Not without hurting me.

  Because nothing Noah had ever done or said implied he felt the same way. It was too soon for us. Logically, I knew that, but my heart didn’t seem to care about logic.

  “Liv.” His voice was low and rough. “You’re upset. You’re not…thinking.”

  I closed my eyes, listening to him trying to reject what I’d said. He was right about one thing. I wasn’t thinking. For the first time I was just feeling.

  “You walked into that conference room that first day…you were this legend. My very own engineering hero. Then you started shouting at everyone and me. I thought you were scariest thing I’d ever seen but the most fascinating, too. I knew I wanted to be around you. Even though it was like trying to get close to a cactus bush. Didn’t stop me though, did it? No, your prickly needles just wanted to make me jab you back even harder. I told myself I was defending myself. It wasn’t true. I was provoking you and, on some level, I knew it. Because even when you were snapping at me, you were interacting with me and I ate it up. Your attention. On me. It’s all I ever wanted. Anyway…that’s all the truth I have for tonight. I’m really tired, Noah. I’m going to hang up now.”

  “Liv, wait!”

  I held my breath. I waited. But I knew it was too much for him. Too much emotion. Too much truth. Too much heartbreak. It would kill him to hurt me, I knew at least that much.

  After a few moments the silence just got awkward. For both of us.

  “Goodnight, Noah.”

  I ended the call and turned off the ringer. Not that I thought he would call back. He’d said everything with his silence. I loved him. I hadn’t been able to stop it. I certainly couldn’t control it.

  In the end, I hadn’t been able to hide it.

  Or maybe I just got tired of trying.

  18

  Two weeks later

  Ark

  “Yo, Ark. Did you want a beer?”

  I blinked and saw Eli standing next to our table, his hands on his hips. Had he said something?

  He shook his head. “I’m getting you one whether you like it or not. Maybe it will loosen your tongue and you’ll tell me what the fuck is going through your head.”

  I glanced around Bud’s. It was the middle of the week, a quiet night. It had been a last-minute suggestion from Eli to come for a drink.

  I’d agreed, not necessarily for the company, but because I sure as hell hadn’t wanted to stay in my room thinking. Always thinking. At least tonight it was just Eli, Shelby and me.

  It was getting harder and harder for Cal to come to Bud’s with Vivienne spending more time waitressing. Those two felt like they were on some weird emotional collision course and if I didn’t have my own head up my ass, I might have been more worried about Cal.

  Jackson was in Nome with Kate this week.

  I wasn’t sure where Jenny was, but I knew where Olivia was.

  She wasn’t here.

  Olivia. I hadn’t spoken to her since she’d told me she lo
ved me. Hadn’t known what the hell to say. Then after I didn’t call her the following night, it got harder and harder to make that call. Now, it had been close to two weeks since I’d heard her voice. Two weeks since I’d heard her laugh. Two weeks since she’d snapped at me.

  Two fucking weeks. And every single day was my fault. Because when she told me she loved me, I knew the only response was to tell her that I loved her, too. And if I had done that, then it would be real. A committed, loving relationship.

  It had scared the ever-living fuck out of me.

  She hadn’t called me, either, but that wasn’t fair. Of course she wouldn’t. She was entirely too proud.

  I felt Shelby patting my hand.

  “You know Eli and I are here for you,” Shelby said with pity in her eyes.

  Why was she pitying me? I didn’t need pity. This was just a problem to solve. Like a complicated math equation.

  How to get Liv and I back to normal?

  Back to when it was normal for us to talk every night. Back to when she could piss me off just by breathing. Back to when we were fucking or at least talking about fucking.

  “Why are you looking at me like my dog died?” I asked Shelby.

  “I know it must be hard, but I don’t want you to think that you’re never going to fall in love again someday. Don’t be like Cal, who is just flat-out sad and stubborn, in my opinion. Heck, I told Eli, I said Baby, we might have to do another contest just for Ark and if we have to bring a hundred women here to Hope’s Point, then that is just what we’ll do.”

  I was struggling to make sense of what Shelby was saying.

  “Shelby, what the hell are you talking about?”

  “Olivia, of course.”

  “What about Olivia?” Wait a minute. Did Shelby say fall in love again?

  “Shelby,” Eli barked as he approached the table. He set the beer in front of me. “He doesn’t know yet. Cal just told me. That’s why we’re here. To break it to him. Gently.”

  “Oh no,” Shelby said, her hand over her mouth. “You mean she didn’t call him and tell him herself? That isn’t right. I don’t care what anyone says about that. And I liked her, too, gosh darn it.”

  It was like trying to think through the fog. It had been like that since Olivia had dropped a bomb on my head. A bomb that scrambled my brains and wrecked me inside and out.

  So much that I hadn’t been able to say what I needed to say…

  I don’t want to hurt you.

  I don’t want to fail you.

  I don’t want to disappoint you.

  That I hadn’t been able to do what I should have done…

  Call her.

  Go see her.

  Force her to talk to me again.

  “Will one of you two please try to make some sense?”

  Shelby started patting my hand again.

  Eli sighed. “The only way to do this is to rip it off. Olivia’s gone, man.”

  “Uh, yeah,” I said, stating the obvious. “She’s been in Anchorage for the past two weeks.”

  Two weeks. Two weeks. Why hadn’t I been able to call her in two damn weeks?

  “No, my brother. She’s not in Alaska anymore. She left Dyson. Took another job.”

  The fog got thicker as I tried to process what Eli had said. “What do you mean she took another job.”

  “Headquarters told Cal, big oil had been recruiting her. She’d been getting offers for some time apparently, but someone finally must have made her an offer she couldn’t turn down. Today was her last day.”

  I stood so fast I knocked the chair back. I strode out of Bud’s and a blast of cold air hit my face and body, but I didn’t stop walking. I made it to Gert’s and held up my phone. Sometimes you could get a signal out here.

  As soon as I saw two bars, I dialed her number. Still on top of my recent contacts.

  It rang several times before it went to voicemail. “Olivia, you better fucking call me! Now!”

  I hung up and called again. And again.

  Voicemail every time.

  She wasn’t going to pick up.

  “Fuck. Shit!” I stormed back into Bud’s. I needed more information.

  Eli and Shelby had their heads together, talking, but stopped when they saw me. I approached the table feeling like I was going to come out of my skin.

  “What company?” I barked at Eli.

  “Dude, I don’t know.”

  “Sally might know,” Shelby offered. “She would have done the exit interview.”

  Exit. Gone. Another company. Not in Alaska anymore? No, that couldn’t be. Not if today was her last day. She would still need to pack, get her shit together, get out of her lease.

  “We’ve got to go,” I told them. “I’ve got to get to camp, schedule a flight out tomorrow.”

  I needed to keep calling her until she answered.

  “Ark, man, do you really want to do that?” Eli asked. A pained look on his face. “Chase her down after she dumped you.”

  “Dumped me? She didn’t dump me.”

  “You’ve been wandering around camp these past two weeks like a guy who had his heart ripped out of his chest. You’re telling me she didn’t shake you loose when she left last time?”

  No. She told me she loved me, and I freaked out. Yes, it was a two-week freak-out, but it was the first goddamn time anyone had ever said that to me. I was entitled!

  “Then why would she leave?” Shelby asked me. “Without even telling you?”

  “I fucked up,” I muttered. “Bad. But I can fix this. I’ll head to Anchorage tomorrow. Show up at her place and we can…we can fix this.”

  Eli and Shelby exchanged a glance then Shelby nodded. “Okay, Ark. We just assumed you’d your heart broken, but if you think you can fix this, then you should go after her.”

  “You said fall in love again,” I repeated the words she’d said earlier. “What did you mean by that?”

  “Well,” Shelby said with a shrug, “it was obvious to anyone who saw you together. We all knew you loved her, which was why it upset us so much when we thought she broke your heart.”

  She didn’t break my heart. I broke hers with my silence.

  “Can we please go now?” I barked.

  They both started to scramble, feeling my urgency.

  I still had time, I told myself. I had to have time. One conversation and I could fix this.

  * * *

  Anchorage…the next day

  Ark

  I stared at the envelope on the foyer table. When I got to her place, there had been no car in the driveway, but it hadn’t prevented me from ringing the doorbell ten times. The door was locked but, checking under the welcome mat, I spotted the key.

  I let myself inside and there it was. Right there on the table.

  An envelope with my name on it.

  She must have known I would come. Would have realized it after I blew up her phone all last night.

  Which meant she’d done this intentionally. Left before I could get here.

  “Fucking coward,” I said aloud in the empty house. Except I didn’t know if I was talking about her for leaving, or me for not wanting to read what was in that envelope.

  I walked forward and snatched it off the table.

  I pulled out the single sheet of stationery and grimaced at the first line.

  Dear Noah,

  You probably could have guessed I wouldn’t have been very good at this. The goodbye part. After all, it was my first time falling in love. But I don’t know that there is anything left to say, so I won’t be returning your call. I suspect you heard about me leaving Dyson.

  You’ll be angry with me for not telling you. I get that. And you’ll start to reconsider what you should have done now that things are final. But the reality is you had two weeks to call me and you didn’t. Me leaving the company shouldn’t be the thing that changes your decision to walk away.

  This is the part where I say I won’t forget you. I want to, though. I want to forget
what it was like to fight with you, work with you, make love with you. I want to forget all of that so it will stop hurting sooner.

  That will make you angry, too. You’ll hate yourself for hurting me, but the thing I realized through all of this is that holding back doesn’t stop the hurt from coming. So I don’t regret anything and I thank you for teaching me that.

  Bye,

  Olivia

  “Fuck that,” I muttered as I crumpled the paper in my hand.

  …holding back doesn’t stop the hurt from coming.

  I rubbed the ache in my chest. No, it didn’t. It didn’t at all.

  Pulling my phone out of my back pocket, I started scrolling through my contacts. I found the number I wanted and dialed.

  “Sally, it’s Ark. I need some information.”

  “She told me not to tell you where she was going,” Sally said dryly.

  “You going to buy that shit?”

  “Nope,” she cackled. “Because a woman has got Ark Aikens’s number and I never thought that would happen. I’ll send you what I know.”

  Now came the hard part.

  I had to tell the guys what I was going to do.

  * * *

  Dyson Camp

  Cal

  “You sure about this, Ark?” I had the phone up to my ear waiting for his answer. There wasn’t a second of hesitation.

  “Surer than I’ve ever been about anything in my life, Cal,” Ark told me.

  I sighed and decided there was no point in arguing with him. Ark knew his mind too well.

  “Then you do what you need to do. I’ll tell the guys.”

  “Thanks, Cal. And Cal… I’m sorry about the whole Vivienne thing. My part in it anyway. It seemed like a lark at the time, but playing with people’s emotions…”

  He didn’t need to say anymore.

  “Yeah. It can get real serious, real fast.”

  Ark blew out a breath into the phone. “Don’t I fucking know it. Take care, Cal. Tell the guys I’ll be in touch.”