The Big Book of Rogues and Villains

by Otto Penzler

  “What’s the hurry, Blackie?” he inquired affably.

  The other wheeled instantly, with the snappy alertness of a man who has grown of habit to hold himself in readiness against sudden surprises from any quarter.

  “Hello, J. Rufus!” he exclaimed, and shook hands. “Boston squeezed dry?”

  Mr. Wallingford chuckled with a cumbrous heaving of his shoulders.

  “Just threw the rind away,” he confessed. “Come in.”

  Mr. Daw, known as “Blackie” to a small but select circle of gentlemen who make it their business to rescue and put carefully hoarded money back into rapid circulation, dropped moodily into a chair and sat considering his well-manicured finger-nails in glum silence, while his masterful host disposed of the bellboy and the valet.

  “Had your dinner?” inquired Mr. Wallingford as he donned the last few garments of a fresh suit.

  “Not yet,” growled the other. “I’ve got such a grouch against myself I won’t even feed right, for fear I’d enjoy it. On the cheaps for the last day, too.”

  Mr. Wallingford laughed and shook his head.

  “I’m clean myself,” he hastened to inform his friend. “If I have a hundred I’m a millionaire, but I’m coming and you’re going, and we don’t look at that settle-up ceremony the same way. What’s the matter?”

  “I’m the goat!” responded Blackie moodily. “The original goat! Came clear out here to trim a sucker that looked good by mail, and have swallowed so much of that citric fruit that if I scrape myself my skin spurts lemon juice. Say, do I look like a come-on?”

  “If you only had the shaving-brush goatee, Blackie, I’d try to make you bet on the location of the little pea,” gravely responded his friend.

  “That’s right; rub it in!” exclaimed the disgruntled one. “Massage me with it! Jimmy, if I could take off my legs, I’d kick myself with them from here to Boston and never lose a stroke. And me wise!”

  “But where’s the fire?” asked J. Rufus, bringing the end of his collar to place with a dexterous jerk.

  “This lamb I came out to shear—rot him and burn him and scatter his ashes! Before I went dippy over two letter-heads and a nice round signature, I ordered an extra safety-deposit vault back home and came on to take his bank roll and house and lot, and make him a present of his clothes if he behaved. But not so! Not—so! Jimmy, this whole town blew right over from out of the middle of Missouri in the last cyclone. You’ve got to show everybody, and then turn it over and let ’em see the other side, and I haven’t met the man yet that you could separate from a dollar without chloroform and an ax. Let me tell you what to do with that hundred, J. Rufe. Just get on the train and give it to the conductor, and tell him to take you as far ay-way from here as the money will reach!”

  Mr. Wallingford settled his cravat tastefully and smiled at himself in the glass.

  “I like the place,” he observed. “They have tall buildings here, and I smell soft money. This town will listen to a legitimate business proposition. What?”

  “Like the milk-stopper industry?” inquired Mr. Daw, grinning appreciatively. “How is your Boston corporation coming on, anyhow?”

  “It has even quit holding the bag,” responded the other, “because there isn’t anything left of the bag. The last I saw of them, the thin and feeble stockholders were chasing themselves around in circles, so I faded away.”

  “You’re a wonder,” complimented the black-haired man with genuine admiration. “You never take a chance, yet get away with everything in sight, and you never leave ’em an opening to put the funny clothes on you.”

  “I deal in nothing but straight commercial propositions that are strictly within the pale of the law,” said J. Rufus without a wink; “and even at that they can’t say I took anything away from Boston.”

  “Don’t blame Boston. You never cleaned up a cent less than five thousand a month while you were there, and if you spent it, that was your lookout.”

  “I had to live.”

  “So do the suckers,” sagely observed Mr. Daw, “but they manage it on four cents’ worth of prunes a day, and save up their money for good people. How is Mrs. Wallingford?”

  “All others are base imitations,” boasted the large man, pausing to critically consider the flavor of his champagne. “Just now, Fanny’s in New York, eating up her diamonds. She was swallowing the last of the brooch when I left her, and this morning she was to begin on the necklace. That ought to last her quite some days, and by that time J. Rufus expects to be on earth again.”

  A waiter came to the door with a menu card, and Mr. Wallingford ordered, to be ready to serve in three quarters of an hour, at a choice table near the music, a dinner for two that would gladden the heart of any tip-hunter.

  “How soon are you going back to Boston, Blackie?”

  “Tonight!” snapped the other. “I was going to take a train that makes it in nineteen hours, but I found there is one that makes it in eighteen and a half, so I’m going to take that; and when I get back where the police are satisfied with half, I’m not going out after the emerald paper any more. I’m going to make them bring it to me. It’s always the best way. I never went after money yet that they didn’t ask me why I wanted it.”

  The large man laughed with his eyes closed.

  “Honestly, Blackie, you ought to go into legitimate business enterprises. That’s the only game. You can get anybody to buy stock when you make them print it themselves, if you’ll only bait up with some little staple article that people use and throw away every day, like ice-cream pails, or corks, or cigar bands, or—or—or carpet tacks.” Having sought about the room for this last illustration, Mr. Wallingford became suddenly inspired, and, arising, went over to the edge of the carpet, where he gazed down meditatively for a moment. “Now, look at this, for instance!” he said with final enthusiasm. “See this swell red carpet fastened down with rusty tacks? There’s the chance. Suppose those tacks were covered with red cloth to match the carpet. Blackie, that’s my next invention.”

  “Maybe there are covered carpet tacks,” observed his friend, with but languid interest.

  “What do I care?” rejoined Mr. Wallingford. “A man can always get a patent, and that’s all I need, even if it’s one you can throw a cat through. The company can fight the patent after I’m out of it. You wouldn’t expect me to fasten myself down to the grease-covered details of an actual manufacturing business, would you?”

  “Not any!” rejoined the dark one emphatically. “You’re all right, J. Rufus. I’d go into your business myself if I wasn’t honest. But, on the level, what do you expect to do here?”

  “Organize the Universal Covered Carpet Tack Company. I’ll begin tomorrow morning. Give me the list you couldn’t use.”

  “Don’t get in bad from the start,” warned Mr. Daw. “Tackle fresh ones. The particular piece of Roquefort, though, that fooled me into a Pullman compartment and kept me grinning like a drunken hyena all the way here, was a pinhead by the name of Edward Lamb. When Eddy fell for an inquiry about Billion Strike gold stock, he wrote on the firm’s stationery, all printed in seventeen colors and embossed so it made holes in the envelopes when the cancellation stamp came down. From the tone of Eddy’s letter I thought he was about ready to mortgage father’s business to buy Billion Strike, and I came on to help him do it. Honest, J. Rufus, wouldn’t it strike you that Lamb was a good name? Couldn’t you hear it bleat?”

  Mr. Wallingford shook silently, the more so that there was no answering gleam of mirth in Mr. Daw’s savage visage.

  “Say, do you know what I found when I got here?” went on Blackie still more ferociously. “I found he was a piker bookkeeper, but with five thousand dollars that he’d wrenched out of his own pay envelope, a pinch at a clip; and every time he takes a dollar out of his pocket his fingers creak. His whole push is like him, too, but I never got any further than Eddy. He’s not merely Johnny Wise—he’s the whole Wise family, and it’s only due to my Christian bringing up that
I didn’t swat him with a brick during our last little chatter when I saw it all fade away. Do you know what he wanted me to do? He wanted me to prove to him that there actually was a Billion Strike mine, and that gold had been found in it!”

  Mr. Wallingford had ceased to laugh. He was soberly contemplating.

  “Your Lamb is my mutton,” he finally concluded, pressing his finger tips together. “He’ll listen to a legitimate business proposition.”

  “Don’t make me fuss with you, J. Rufus,” admonished Mr. Daw. “Remember, I’m going away tonight,” and he arose.

  Mr. Wallingford arose with him. “By the way, of course I’ll want to refer to you; how many addresses have you besides the Billion Strike? A mention of that would probably get me arrested.”

  “Four: the Mexican and Rio Grande Rubber Company, Tremont Building; the St. John’s Blood Orange Plantation Company, 643 Third Street; the Los Pocos Lead Development Company, 868 Schuttle Avenue; and the Sierra Cinnabar Grant, Schuttle Square, all of which addresses will reach me at my little old desk-room corner in 1126 Tremont Building, Third and Schuttle Avenues; and I’ll answer letters of inquiry on four different letter-heads. If you need more I’ll post Billy Riggs over in the Cloud Block and fix it for another four or five.”

  “I’ll write Billy a letter myself,” observed J. Rufus. “I’ll need all the references I can get when I come to organize the Universal Covered Carpet Tack Company.”

  “Quit kidding,” retorted Mr. Daw.

  “It’s on the level,” insisted J. Rufus seriously. “Let’s go down to dinner.”

  Chapter II

  Wherein Edward Lamb Beholds the Amazing Profits of the Carpet-Tack Industry

  There were twenty-four applicants for the position before Edward Lamb appeared, the second day after the initial insertion of the advertisement which had been designed to meet his eye alone. David Jasper, who read his paper advertisements and all, in order to get the full worth of his money out of it, telephoned to his friend Edward about the glittering chance.

  Yes, Mr. Wallingford was in his suite. Would the gentleman give his name? Mr. Lamb produced a card, printed in careful imitation of engraving, and it gained him admission to the august presence, where he created some surprise by a sudden burst of laughter.

  “Ex-cuse me!” he exclaimed. “But you’re the man that splashed mud on me the other night!”

  When the circumstance was related, Mr. Wallingford laughed with great gusto and shook hands for the second time with his visitor. The incident helped them to get upon a most cordial footing at once. It did not occur to either of them, at the time, how appropriate it was that Mr. Wallingford should splash mud upon Mr. Lamb at their very first meeting.

  “What can I do for you, Mr. Lamb?” inquired the large man.

  “You advertised——” began the caller.

  “Oh, you came about that position,” deprecated Mr. Wallingford, with a nicely shaded tone of courteous disappointment in his voice. “I am afraid that I am already fairly well suited, although I have made no final choice as yet. What are your qualifications?”

  “There will be no trouble about that,” returned Mr. Lamb, straightening visibly. “I can satisfy anybody.” And Mr. Wallingford had the keynote for which he was seeking.

  He knew at once that Mr. Lamb prided himself upon his independence, upon his local standing, upon his efficiency, upon his business astuteness. The observer had also the experience of Mr. Daw to guide him, and, moreover, better than all, here was Mr. Lamb himself. He was a broad-shouldered young man, who stood well upon his two feet; he dressed with a proper and decent pride in his prosperity, and wore looped upon his vest a watch chain that by its very weight bespoke the wearer’s solid worth. The young man was an open book, whereof the pages were embossed in large type.

  “Now you’re talking like the right man,” said the prospective employer. “Sit down. You’ll understand, Mr. Lamb, that my question was only a natural one, for I am quite particular about this position, which is the most important one I have to fill. Our business is to be a large one. We are to conduct an immense plant in this city, and I want the office work organized with a thorough system from the beginning. The duties, consequently, would begin at once. The man who would become secretary of the Universal Covered Carpet Tack Company, would need to know all about the concern from its very inception, and until I have secured that exact man I shall take no steps toward organization.”

  Word by word, Mr. Wallingford watched the face of Edward Lamb and could see that he was succumbing to the mental chloroform. However, a man who at thirty has accumulated five thousand is not apt to be numbed without struggling.

  “Before we go any further,” interposed the patient, with deep, deep shrewdness, “it must be understood that I have no money to invest.”

  “Exactly,” agreed Mr. Wallingford. “I stated that in my advertisement. To become secretary it will be necessary to hold one share of stock, but that share I shall give to the right applicant. I do not care for him to have any investment in the company. What I want is the services of the best man in the city, and to that end I advertised for one who had been an expert bookkeeper and who knew all the office routine of conducting a large business, agreeing to start such a man with a salary of two hundred dollars a month. That advertisement stated in full all that I expect from the one who secures this position—his expert services. I may say that you are only the second candidate who has had the outward appearance of being able to fulfill the requirements. Actual efficiency would naturally have to be shown.”

  Mr. Wallingford was now quite coldly insistent. The proper sleep had been induced.

  “For fifteen years,” Mr. Lamb now hastened to advise him, “I have been employed by the A. J. Dorman Manufacturing Company, and can refer you to them for everything you wish to know. I can give you other references as to reliability if you like.”

  Mr. Wallingford was instant warmth.

  “The A. J. Dorman Company, indeed!” he exclaimed, though he had never heard of that concern. “The name itself is guarantee enough, at least to defer such matters for a bit while I show you the industry that is to be built in your city.” From his dresser Mr. Wallingford produced a handful of tacks, the head of each one covered with a bit of different-colored bright cloth. “You have only to look at these,” he continued, holding them forth, and with the thumb and forefinger of the other hand turning one red-topped tack about in front of Mr. Lamb’s eyes, “to appreciate to the full what a wonderful business certainty I am preparing to launch. Just hold these tacks a moment,” and he turned the handful into Mr. Lamb’s outstretched palm. “Now come over to the edge of this carpet. I have selected here a tack which matches this floor covering. You see those rusty heads? Imagine the difference if they were replaced by this!”

  Mr. Lamb looked and saw, but it was necessary to display his business acumen.

  “Looks like a good thing,” he commented; “but the cost?”

  “The cost is comparatively nothing over the old steel tack, although we can easily get ten cents a paper as against five for the common ones, leaving us a much wider margin of profit than the manufacturers of the straight tack obtain. There is no family so poor that will use the old, rusty tinned or bronze tack when these are made known to the trade, and you can easily compute for yourself how many millions of packages are used every year. Why, the Eureka Tack Company, which practically has a monopoly of the carpet-tack business, operates a manufacturing plant covering twenty solid acres, and a loaded freight car leaves its warehouse doors on an average of every seven minutes! You cannot buy a share of stock in the Eureka Carpet Tack Company at any price. It yields sixteen per cent. a year dividends, with over eighteen million dollars of undivided surplus—and that business was built on carpet tacks alone! Why, sir, if we wished to do so, within two months after we had started our factory wheels rolling we could sell out to the Eureka Company for two million dollars; or a profit of more than one thousand per cent. on the inv
estment that we are to make.”

  For once Mr. Lamb was overwhelmed. Only three days before he had been beset by Mr. Daw, but that gentleman had grown hoarsely eloquent over vast possessions that were beyond thousands of miles of circumambient space, across vast barren reaches where desert sands sent up constant streams of superheated atmosphere, with the “hot air” distinctly to be traced throughout the conversation; but here was something to be seen and felt. The points of the very tacks that he held pricked his palm, and his eyes were still glued upon the red-topped one which Mr. Wallingford held hypnotically before him.

  “Who composes your company?” he managed to ask.

  “So far, I do,” replied Mr. Wallingford with quiet pride. “I have not organized the company. That is a minor detail. When I go searching for capital I shall know where to secure it. I have chosen this city on account of its manufacturing facilities, and for its splendid geographical position as a distributing center.”

  “The stock is not yet placed, then,” mused aloud Mr. Lamb, upon whose vision there already glowed a pleasing picture of immense profits.

  Why, the thing was startling in the magnificence of its opportunity! Simple little trick, millions and millions used, better than anything of its kind ever put upon the market, cheaply manufactured, it was marked for success from the first!

  “Stock placed? Not at all,” stated Mr. Wallingford. “My plans only contemplate incorporating for a quarter of a million, and I mean to avoid small stockholders. I shall try to divide the stock into, say, about ten holdings of twenty-five thousand each.”

  Mr. Lamb was visibly disappointed.

  “It looks like a fine thing,” he declared with a note of regret.