Wish Upon a Christmas Cake

by Darcie Boleyn

  ‘Yes. You know, I wouldn’t ask but I really do need a hand in the shop over the next few weeks.’

  ‘In the shop?’ She sat forwards and raised her eyebrows.

  ‘And in the kitchen, if I’m being totally honest.’

  ‘You want me to come to work with you?’

  I nodded and chewed my lip. This was worse than telling her that I’d started my periods. That had been humiliating enough, at thirteen, having to ask for sanitary products but this seemed a thousand times more awful.

  ‘Well, of course I’ll help, Katie. I’d be honoured.’

  ‘You would?’ I scanned her face for signs of mockery.

  ‘But why do you need me? What about Ann?’

  ‘She’s…uh…going away on holiday.’

  ‘Lovely. When do I start?’

  I nearly choked on my coffee. ‘How would Friday suit you? Would it be too soon because, you know, I could maybe manage until next week.’

  She raised her mug and clinked it against mine. ‘Absolutely perfect!’ I sipped my coffee and watched her over the rim of my mug. She had definitely changed but I had no idea why. Why now? Why had she been so reasonable over Christmas? She had clearly bitten back her usual bitter comments on several occasions, which I appreciated, but it made me extremely curious.

  I heard a vehicle pull up outside and a firm rapping at the front door. Esther sprang to her feet and disappeared into the hallway. I strained to hear what was being said but all I managed to catch from the man at the door was, ‘Only take five minutes, love.’

  I placed my mug in the dishwasher, then walked through to the front room where Esther stood gazing out of the window.

  ‘What is it, Mum?’ I asked as I placed my hands on the sill and peered out. But she didn’t need to answer me because it was right there before my eyes. A man in jeans and a navy fleece with the words Hansen & Cooke printed in yellow on the back was hammering a For Sale sign into the flowerbed at the bottom of the driveway.

  ‘I was going to tell you but you seemed to have something important to say.’ Mum placed a hand on my arm. ‘When the estate agent came round the other day, the price they quoted for the sale of the house was so good that we just couldn’t risk the market changing again. So, you see, Katie, if I come and work in the shop with you for a few weeks, it will give us the chance to have some time together before we go.’

  She smiled, then wrapped an arm around my shoulder and I leant against her as we stared out of the window, watching life changing right before our eyes in the way that it always does.

  ***

  The weeks passed in a flurry of baking, cleaning and sales. Esther proved to be as efficient in the shop as she was in the house. She ran things with a cool head and calm demeanour that meant that I was able to keep baking and even take the occasional break in between batches of cakes and speciality breads.

  I considered texting Sam a few times but I didn’t know what to say. I was so raw from finding out that he doubted me but there just wasn’t time to dwell on my pain. I knew that he would be busy with the children and he’d told me that his parents had arranged a few outings for them all at weekends. I did experience flashes of sadness that I couldn’t be with them during their break but I told myself that I had to be realistic too. Sure, I was aware that my feelings for Sam wouldn’t go away overnight, but I also had other things in my life to deal with too. I wasn’t a teenager with the disposable time to fawn over a man anymore. I couldn’t just lie on the sofa listening to Simply Red or Wet Wet Wet and watching re-runs of Pretty Woman while fantasising about Sam walking into the shop and sweeping me off my feet.

  It was during a quiet period one morning that my mother caught me by surprise. Lynsey, one of our Christmas girls who’d stayed on was serving customers in the shop, so Esther and I were catching up with some baking in the kitchen. I was weighing out currants, as I prepared to make a second batch of Welsh cakes, and Mum was cooking the first batch on the cast iron bakestone. The kitchen was filled with the aroma of cinnamon and sizzling butter and the radio in the corner buzzed with the chirpy voice of a female DJ.

  ‘Katie?’

  I met my mother’s eyes across the kitchen. ‘Yes, Mum.’

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘The matter you’ve been trying to forget recently.’

  I emptied the currants into the bowl, then stirred them into the flour and butter. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Oh, love. I can see that you’re not. When was the last time you spoke to Sam?’

  I shrugged. ‘I don’t really want to talk about it.’ I pressed my lips together. Not talking about it meant that it couldn’t hurt me. Or at least I could try and pretend that it wasn’t hurting.

  ‘You can talk to me, Katie. I want to help you.’

  Did she? After years of making me feel like I didn’t measure up, why was she being nice?

  ‘I know I let you down, Katie, and I am so sorry.’

  I stared into the bowl in front of me and took a deep breath. I’d never thought we’d ever have this conversation but she’d started it, so I was prepared to see where it went. ‘You made me feel inadequate so many times, Mum.’

  ‘I have always cared for you, Katie, but I know I owe you an explanation. I’ve been working up to it since Granny died. I nearly spoke to you about it at Christmas but the timing was never right. We were all missing Edith and then Sam was there and I just didn’t have a chance. But I want you to understand why I’ve been the way I have.’ Her eyes brimmed with tears and I felt a wave of pity for her. I could, at least, give her the chance to tell me why she hadn’t loved me as I’d longed to be loved.

  ‘Go on then. I’m listening.’

  She turned five cakes on the bakestone and as the fresh dough hit the hot iron, the sweet and spicy fragrance permeated the air. ‘Karl was such an easy baby to care for. As long as he was fed and changed, he barely murmured. But you…you reminded me so much of myself. You were a dreamer, full of hope and love and need. I sensed how needy you were and it frightened me. I was terrified that if I gave you what you needed then you’d turn out like me and make the same mistakes. It’s not that you were a mistake, or that marrying your father was a mistake, but growing up I had different ideas about things. About what I wanted. Different ideas about how things would be.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ My eyes burnt and it wasn’t the steam in the kitchen causing it.

  ‘Love is complicated, Katie. It takes different forms. I knew how close you and Dad were and how much you adored Granny. I just hoped that you’d be okay. That you’d toughen up and pull through. My own mother was a hard woman. I didn’t want to repeat her mistakes, but I guess that I did without realising it until it was too late. You know, when I met your father I didn’t even want to get married.’

  ‘Really?’ I’d always thought that she had trapped him somehow, ensnared him with her beauty and charm, then kept him tied to her with two children and a whole load of guilt.

  ‘I refused to date him for months. It was only when I had a big falling out with my mother and stormed out of the house with just my toothbrush and the clothes I stood up in, that I finally surrendered.’

  ‘And what happened?’

  ‘He was charming and romantic and he persuaded me to stay with him for a while. Before I knew it, I was pregnant and, well…I had to marry him then. I couldn’t exactly run off to France with a baby strapped to my back.’ Bile rose in my throat. Had Dad had gotten Mum pregnant to keep her? It hadn’t been the other way around. And she had been pregnant before she was married. ‘Are you all right?’ Mum whispered.

  I nodded. I was surprised but I had to hear the full explanation. ‘So you stayed together all these years.’

  ‘Katie, I wouldn’t have told you all this, but your father and I discussed it after Granny died and he told me that I had to be completely honest with you. I know how much you adore him and I don’t want to diminish your love and respec
t for him in any way but I don’t want to hide anything from you any longer either.’ Mum exhaled slowly and two pink circles appeared in her cheeks. ‘It’s more complicated than me wanting to follow my girlish dreams but being unable to because of your father. After I had you, I suffered from postnatal depression. It definitely affected the bonding process. I’m so sorry. I thought that I could make you stronger and when I realised I was wrong, it was too late.’

  Was it too late? Too late for me and her, too late for me and Sam?

  ‘When I fell pregnant with you…oh I don’t want you to be angry with your dad.’

  ‘Mum, if he told you to tell me then you need to.’ I stared at her until she lowered her eyes. This was clearly hard for her.

  ‘Your…your Dad allowed himself to be seduced by another woman. She was his personal assistant.’

  ‘Dad shagged his PA?’ My stomach turned.

  ‘She was a pretty young thing, a bit ditzy, and she made me him feel young and vibrant again. It’s a cliché, I know, but with having one young child and another on the way, I didn’t have as much time for him as I used to.’

  ‘And you found out?’ I asked my mother.

  ‘Yes. Karen – that was her name – came to the house to tell me. She stood there in front of me all slim and toned and smart in her size six business suit and told me every disgusting, heart-wrenching detail. I was eight months’ pregnant with swollen ankles and a huge belly. It broke my heart.’

  ‘I can’t believe that he did that to you. It’s disgusting.’

  ‘Dad told Karen that it couldn’t go on, but for weeks she’d apparently threatened to tell me if he didn’t continue the affair. When he finally refused to be blackmailed any more and told her that he would tell me himself, she raced to our house and got to me first.’

  I shook my head at the sadness of it all. Poor Mum. She’d dealt with that secret all my life and never once told me, even though it might have helped me to understand her better. She didn’t want me thinking badly of Dad and look at what had happened.

  ‘It sent me into a deep depression, Katie. Of course, that might have happened anyway. Post-natal depression doesn’t always have a trigger but I don’t think it helped. The final weeks of my pregnancy were very difficult and then when I delivered you, every time I looked at you, all I could see was Karen. If I hadn’t been fat and pregnant, then Dad might not have fallen into the arms of another woman. I might have been able to keep him faithful. And I’d given up my hopes and dreams for him, become the wife he wanted me to be. I never wanted you to do that. You have to keep something back for yourself. Your dad was very sorry afterwards. He regrets what he did.’

  ‘I should bloody well hope so.’

  ‘Katie, I’m so sorry for not bonding with you as I should have. I know that I can’t undo all the years of hurt and confusion. I know there’s no miracle glue to mend our relationship. I would never hope to be able to do that. But I’m asking you now… Can you at least try to understand?’

  My throat ached and my heart pounded but I forced myself to speak. ‘Yes, Mum. I can try. It still hurts that you didn’t love me the way I longed to be loved, but at least now I know why.’

  ‘Your granny and I argued a few weeks before she died. I’ve been dealing with the guilt of that too. She knew all about the affair because your father told her but she never felt that it was her place to tell you about it. I’m stubborn – as you know – so I refused to tell you and I made Dad promise too. It was ridiculous really, but I thought that as the damage was already done, there was no point in you hating both of us. But your granny, I think she sensed that she didn’t have long left and she told me to sort myself out and to come clean before it was too late. The sad thing is that I’m doing it now, after she’s gone, so she doesn’t know I’ve done it.’ She choked up then and I abandoned my bowl and went and hugged her. She collapsed into me and I held her as she cried. A sudden loud noise made us jump and when we pulled apart I realised that it was the smoke alarm and the kitchen was filled with smoke. I quickly turned off the gas stove and removed the cakes from the bakestone while Esther fanned the smoke detector with a tea towel.

  ‘Is everything all right in here?’ Lynsey asked as she appeared in the kitchen doorway.

  I smiled at her, realising that I must look a right state. ‘Yes, lovely, everything’s fine. We just left the cakes on the heat too long. No need to call the fire brigade.’

  ‘Shame. I like a man in uniform.’ She grinned, then went back through to the shop.

  As Esther cleaned the bakestone off with fresh butter, then turned the heat on beneath it again, I thought about what she’d said. She and dad must have worried all these years that they’d broken me. Parental guilt must really suck, all that worrying about whether or not you’ve created fucked-up offspring and how far you were responsible. No wonder Sam was worried about Jack and Holly. He had every right to be. However much he might care for me, he would always have to put them first. Even if that meant never seeing me again.

  ‘So you stayed together. In spite of all that?’

  ‘I loved your father. I always have done. But it wasn’t easy at all at times. That’s why it’s so important to me that you have the life you want. I don’t want you to regret anything.’

  ‘I don’t,’ I replied. ‘I’m just not certain about what I want from here on. Don’t worry though, I will be careful.’

  ‘When you got pregnant, I worried that you did it to get back at me. Then I worried that it would ruin your life because you’d be tied down just like I was. But as your pregnancy progressed, I could see how happy you were about it and what a great mother you would have been.’

  ‘You thought I’d have been a great mum?’ I stared at her.

  ‘You would have loved that little girl with everything you had to give. You’d have done it properly. You wouldn’t have failed her as I did you.’

  I swallowed hard. ‘I did love her.’

  ‘I know, sweetheart. I am so proud of you, Katie, for all you’ve achieved and for the beautiful person you have turned out to be. You’re strong, kind and hardworking. You have so much ahead to look forward to.’ I bit my lip but I was too late to stop it trembling and a sob burst from my mouth. Esther turned the gas off again, then hugged me tight. And this time it was my turn to cry.

  My parents were human; I’d realised that at the hospital the night Granny died, but it was clearer now than ever. They’d both made mistakes, neither of them was perfect. But then, who is? Mum had been through some rough times. Dad had been responsible for some of that. Hell, in my own way, I’d been responsible for some of it. There was no happy ever after, but there was acceptance and understanding. I could, at least, try to give them both that.

  And finding out that Esther had believed that I’d have been a good mother to my own baby was a moving revelation. In spite of everything, she’d had faith that I’d have been a good mum. So I wasn’t broken. I could find a way to fix my life and perhaps to one day have a family. I just wished I knew whether or not that would include Sam.

  ***

  On Friday afternoon, I’d just removed a tray of triple chocolate cookies from the oven when I heard Esther laughing out front. It was her youthful, carefree giggle that she usually reserved only for my father, so I wiped my hands on my apron and hurried out to the shop.

  But it wasn’t my father at the counter. It was Sam. And he looked up as I entered and held me captive with his big brown eyes; they were as soft and warm as the chocolate in the cookies I’d just removed from the oven. I froze in the doorway and stared at him. He was alone, no kids in tow. The shop was empty but his big, masculine presence seemed to fill the space and I approached him, drawn to his irresistible intoxicating aroma like a cartoon cat following a roast chicken scent.

  ‘Hey, Katie.’ He smiled at me and I coloured, suddenly aware of how closely Esther was watching us.

  ‘Hi, Sam. No children?’

  He shook his head. ‘They’re spend
ing the night with my parents.’

  ‘Oh.’ My heartrate increased.

  ‘I was just passing…and I wondered if you were free tonight?’ He rubbed the back of his neck in that endearing way of his.

  ‘Free?’

  ‘Yes of course she’s free.’ Esther cut in. ‘Aren’t you, Katie?’

  ‘I, uh, I…I don’t know.’ This wasn’t a good idea. Nothing had changed between us since the last time we’d spoken.

  ‘I thought we could grab a bite to eat if you fancy it.’ Sam smiled and I fought to keep my hands at my sides. In spite of my pain, I longed to trace his strong jawline with my fingers, then to run them into his soft, dark hair.

  ‘That would be lovely, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.’ I lifted a hand to smooth my hair but it snagged in the blue hairnet I was wearing. Dammit! Why hadn’t I removed it before coming up front? I must look a right state. I pulled the hairnet off but my hair remained exactly where it was; a frizzy, sweaty helmet.

  ‘Please, Katie. I really want to talk to you.’

  ‘What harm could it do, love?’ Esther asked me. ‘Remember what I told you.’

  I paused for a moment. ‘Well, okay, but I’ll need to shower.’

  ‘I can wait,’ he said.

  ‘Go get ready, Katie and I’ll finish up here,’ Esther said.

  I glanced at her as I weighed the situation up. She had closed up before and knew what she was doing. But I felt bad for leaving her to do it. I mean, she’d been really great all week and things were going well between us. We’d actually had a great day together after her confession. When Dad had turned up to pick her up the previous evening, I’d given him a bit of a hard time, but he’d taken it graciously. It was time for us all to move on. Life didn’t wait for any man or woman and Mum had reminded me of what Granny always had to say about that.

  ‘I’ll give your mum a hand,’ Sam said. ‘Where shall I start, Esther?’

  I nodded, then left the shop before I talked myself out of going, and made my way up to flat. I had to keep calm. Sam had come to see me, without the children, and he wanted to take me out. We would be alone! Just us! Together. It could be a good evening or it could be really tough, but I’d never know if I didn’t go.