Wish Upon a Christmas Cake

by Darcie Boleyn

  ‘Me either, Katie. I loved her and I love you.’

  I blinked hard and took a deep, shaky breath. The birds sang in the trees and the breeze toyed with my hair, lifting it from my face, then dropping it gently again. I looked up and watched the clouds as they sailed through the sky. We were so insignificant in the grander scheme of things, whatever it was, yet we suffered so much as a species. People had been losing their children since the first humans roamed the earth, yet they had survived. Because they had to. It didn’t ease my pain, or Sam’s pain, but knowing that we were not alone in our loss helped me to feel less isolated.

  ‘Do you think that…’ Sam turned to me and gazed into my eyes.

  I knew what Sam was about to ask but I didn’t know the answer. Nearly ten years after losing my little girl, I was used to swearing that I’d never try to have another baby. That certainly wouldn’t change overnight. Or over the course of a few months. Maybe not ever.

  ‘I don’t know, Sam. I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to try again.’

  ‘All that matters, Katie, is that I have you. I’ll never ask you to do anything that might cause you pain.’

  ‘Perhaps one day, maybe in a year or two, I’ll feel differently. But we also have Jack and Holly to think about.’ I smiled as I pictured their cheeky faces.

  ‘Spoken like a loving mum,’ Sam said, and my throat tightened with emotion. It had been doing that a lot recently.

  ‘Shall we go then?’ I asked, casting the small garden one more glance.

  ‘We’ll be back,’ Sam said.

  ‘Often,’ I replied, because I knew that with Sam at my side, I could cope with my grief and finally work through it. It would never leave me completely but I wouldn’t have to bury it any longer.

  I could finally let go of the what ifs and the guilt and the regret. It was time to live again. To really live and to move on.

  Epilogue

  As the driveway curved to the right, the car passed under an archway of ancient elm trees then the manor came into view and literally stole my breath away. The same lamps that had adorned the lower half of the driveway lit up the front of the house, highlighting the warm red of the bricks and the startling white of the sash windows.

  As snow drifted slowly downwards, I felt as if I was being transported into another time. The manor house was as beautiful as I remembered and my heart leapt as memories of last Christmas came back with startling clarity. A year ago I had come here to Hawthorne Manor for a family Christmas. I’d been tired, hungry and a bit apprehensive at what the holidays would bring. I’d been dreading spending time with my mother, disgruntled about my failed relationship with Harrison and grieving for my lovely little Granny.

  How things can change in a year.

  I turned to the little girl at my side and smiled.

  ‘I like this limosheen, Katie. It’s so big.’ She looked around in awe, her rosebud mouth slightly open and her big brown eyes wide.

  I giggled. Limosheen. ‘Yes it’s nice, isn’t it?’

  The vehicle suddenly skidded on a patch of ice and we both squealed.

  ‘Come on now, ladies, nothing to worry about,’ Dad said as he grinned at us from his seat opposite. He was every bit the distinguished gentleman in his silver-grey morning suit and crisp white shirt. His white hair was combed back from his forehead and his eyes twinkled beneath his black brows. He’d returned from his French villa with Mum just a week earlier in order to be with us for Christmas.

  ‘Are you nervous, Katie?’ Holly asked as she ran her fingers over the diamond on the third finger of my left hand. It was a habit she had developed since Sam had placed the ring on my finger on my birthday in August, almost as if she was checking that it was still there, that this was real. I often did the same thing. The only other ring I wore was on the middle finger of my right hand. It was a mood ring, one of those cheap adjustable rings you can get in theme park gift shops. It made my finger green if it got wet but I wore it anyway. I would always wear it because it meant so much to me. Jack had bought it for me in July on his school trip. He’d told me to wear it so that he could know if I was ever sad, then he could make me happy again. I had cried that evening after he’d gone to bed because it was a sign of his acceptance of me. He was still nervous at times, and now and then I’d catch him watching me as I moved around the house completing chores, but I’d realised that it was because he needed to know that I was there, almost as if he was afraid that I would disappear in the same way that his mother had. I reassured him as much as I could with hugs and love, and bit by bit I could see that he was starting to relax. It would take as long as it would take to build our bond but I knew that we were well on the way.

  I shook my head. ‘I’m not nervous at all. This is what I want, Holly.’

  ‘Me too!’ she announced, then leant back against the fawn leather and flounced out her full white skirt and petticoats. I smiled as she lifted her feet in turn to admire the tiny white Ugg boots with their sparkling sequins. Comfort and style, practical for a winter wedding. They were bespoke products from an American woman I’d come across on Twitter who could do all sorts of things to make Uggs even better for special occasions.

  In her left hand, Holly held a small bouquet of cream roses. In the centre was a tiny pink teddy bear. I’d given it to Holly a few weeks ago and asked her to look after it for me. It had just felt right. She had taken my request seriously and when she suggested bringing it to the wedding, her bouquet seemed like the perfect place for it to be. Holly would never replace my baby, just as I would never replace her mother, but we would have a relationship that was all our own. I knew that I loved her as much as if I’d given birth to her now and the same with Jack. It had been a journey but a most fulfilling one and it was just beginning.

  I lifted my own feet and admired my silver-blue Jimmy Choos, the gift from Karl the Christmas before last. I’d been waiting for the right occasion to wear them. They were the finishing touch to go with my ivory silk regency-style dress and dragonfly jewellery. I had gone Jane Austen for the day and I loved how the material caressed my curves and felt so smooth against my skin. I just hoped that Sam would approve. I really wanted to be beautiful for him, although he made me feel beautiful inside and out.

  The car pulled up outside Hawthorne Manor and my stomach did a little flip. I would be entering through the front door this time and I had travelled here from Sevenoaks with my dad and Holly. My heart fluttered as I recalled seeing Sam for the first time in years out in the barn. I’d had no idea what lay ahead of us or how lucky I would be.

  As Dad helped me out of the car, I looked around at the beautiful land surrounding the manor house. There was a generous covering of snow and I was thrilled because I’d hoped for the picture-postcard scenery. We had decided to get married at dusk so that our guests could see the house lit up and I knew that they wouldn’t be disappointed. Fairy lights swung gently from the trees in the icy breeze and the Victorian lamps cast their warm golden glow over the house and the snow. It was just like last year, yet also very, very different.

  My heart thundered and I took a deep breath.

  Dad led me towards the front door slowly, careful to allow Holly to carry the short train of my dress so that it didn’t drag in the snow. We’d spent hours over previous weeks in fits of giggles as she’d practised holding it at just the right angle to avoid revealing my knickers, but not so low that she stood on it. I was having so much fun being a stepmother and although I’d been apprehensive when I’d moved in with Sam, the children and the dogs in the autumn, I now felt that I belonged there. It was home. They were mine and I was theirs.

  ‘She’s here you know, Katie,’ Dad said, ‘They both are.’

  I bit my lip hard. ‘Do you really believe that, Dad?’ My heart skipped at the thought that Granny could be here with us now, watching over us, making us laugh with her naughty comments and wicked sense of humour and that my little girl could be there too.

  ‘They’
ll always be with you, Katie, safe and warm in your heart, whatever else you might believe. Granny loved you and Karl so much; she was extremely proud of you both. The boasting she did on Twitter about you!’

  ‘On Twitter? How do you know?’

  ‘Oh I kept an eye on her. Had to really. I couldn’t trust my mother not to misbehave on social media. I even set up a Gok fan account just to keep her from pestering the real man.’

  I shook my head and dabbed at my eyes. ‘Oh stop it, Dad, my make-up will run.’

  ‘Yes, she was a character, Katie. And you remind me of her in so many ways. You’re just as funny, quirky and loveable.’

  ‘Thank you, Dad. I think.’ I winked at him.

  ‘And you’ll make a great wife and mum.’

  ‘She is a great mummy,’ Holly said from right behind me. I reached around and caressed her soft cheek.

  ‘I love you both,’ I said. ‘But I am freezing! Shall we do this?’

  ‘Absolutely!’ Dad announced as he tucked my cold hand into the crook of his arm. In my left hand I held a simple bunch of lavender tied with a white silk ribbon. Lavender for Granny. Lavender for love. Lavender for my wonderful new life.

  The front doors of the house suddenly swung wide and light and warmth spilled out onto the snow. Dad led me carefully up the steps to the sweet sound of Faith Hill’s Breathe. As we entered the grand hallway, I looked right and left to see our intimate gathering of friends and family. I noted Mum, Karl, Angelo, Ann and Mark – who was cradling their tiny baby in his arms – but then I could only look in one direction, and into one pair of dark-brown eyes.

  There he was. Next to his son—my son—and best man, Jack. They wore matching silver-grey morning suits and were equally handsome.

  Sam.

  Waiting for me. Just like he’d always been. Always there. Always mine.

  As Dad released me and Holly took my lavender bouquet and went to sit next to Mum, Sam took my hands in his and smiled.

  ‘It was always you, Katie,’ he whispered. ‘We were just waiting for the right time.’

  ‘I know. I love you,’ I replied as I stared into my past, my present and my future at the same time.

  All this started with a wish upon a Christmas cake…

  And just like Crumbtious’ delicious Christmas cake, I intended to have my fill of Sam over and over and over again. And still keep coming back for more.

  CARINA™

  ISBN: 978 1 474 04587 2

  Wish Upon a Christmas Cake

  Copyright © 2015 Darcie Boleyn

  Published in Great Britain (2015)

  by Carina, an imprint of Harlequin (UK) Limited, Eton House, 18-24 Paradise Road, Richmond, Surrey TW9 1SR

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