A Question of Manhood

by Robin Reardon

  JJ shrugged. “It’s not out of the question. When someone’s as insecure about his own masculinity as that guy is, it doesn’t take much to push him over the edge. He’s likely to strike out at anything that reminds him that he’s still trying to prove he’s a man. But he doesn’t understand why he’s insecure, so that makes him afraid. And unstable. So he lashes out. Especially since we kind of made a fool of him.”

  “You mean you did.”

  “Dante and I. And you, in case you’ve forgotten. You called him an asshole.” JJ had that sideways grin again. “Couple a kids, getting his dog to act better than he could, nearly getting him bitten, and calling him names into the bargain? Yup, I’d say he’s feeling pretty violent about now.”

  “Why does that make him insecure?” It was not a word I would have come up with in regards to that guy.

  “Well, Paul, think about it. He has this dog that’s so mean, the guy has to muzzle it and drag it around by a chain. He comes in here for even tougher equipment and this pip-squeak kid—me, in case there’s any question—takes his dog and makes friends with it. It’s like I’ve challenged the guy himself. Like I’ve sneered at him, ‘You’re not such a tough guy. You haven’t even proved you’re a man.’ And I’m gay!” He laughed again like that was the best joke of all.

  “Do you think he knew that?”

  Another shrug. “Sometimes people look at me and guess. I think your friend did, my first day, when your dad sent me to find you.”

  “Yeah, he did.” I was pulling a huge box full of cat litter bags out of Dante’s spot, and JJ was pushing it. “Um, does my dad know?”

  “Not unless you told him, or he guessed.” He grunted and pushed harder. “I didn’t say anything. I don’t exactly walk up to people, shake their hand, and say, “Hi, I’m José Jesus O’Neil, and I’m gay.’”

  I stopped pulling and looked at him, and he stopped pushing and looked at me. This was a whole new side of JJ. One I’d never seen. Plus, he was being so open about this thing that I’d always thought would be shameful. I was sure as hell ashamed of Chris for it, and Chris had acted like it was shameful, too. So how could JJ act so devil-may-care?

  Almost wishing I could have asked Chris a few things, I challenged JJ instead. “But, don’t you ever, like, think maybe you should be different?”

  “Why? So people like that guy, and your friend, won’t get their masculinity punctured when they see me having the nerve to be alive?”

  “Well, I was thinking more like maybe your own life would be easier.”

  “Could you be gay, Paul?” I blinked and backed away a step. “I didn’t think so. And guess what. I’m not going to pretend I can be straight, I’m not going to live a lie, just so you can feel more comfortable around me.”

  “I didn’t say I was uncomfortable!”

  His laugh was more like a bark this time. “You didn’t have to say it. I’ve seen you back away. Are you saying you don’t think I should be honest about who I am?”

  “Maybe I’m saying that, if what you are is bad. If you were a murderer, would you be, like, all open and honest about that?”

  “You’re telling me you think what I am is as bad as being a murderer?”

  “I didn’t say that!” How did I get on the defensive end of this conversation?

  “Look, maybe this is something you want—wishing there were no such thing as homosexuality. But being who I am is something I need. That’s stronger than wanting. And it’s more important than your comfort.”

  “So you’ll make dogs feel comfortable but not people?” I felt like Jack’s mouthpiece.

  “Animals are at our mercy. It’s our job to give them as much of what they need as we can. But people aren’t pets. And as for making you comfortable? That’s your job.”

  I was feeling a little threatened, like I had to stand up for my position in the world. “It’s not just me, though, is it? It’s not just what I want.”

  JJ’s voice took on an edge. “Oh, are we going back to the illegal thing again?”

  “No. What I was thinking is that it’s ironical that your name is Jesus, since what you are is a sin. I was going to say that it’s about what God wants. It says so in the Bible.”

  “First, you don’t mean ironical, you mean ironic. And I don’t happen to agree. And as for the Bible, are we talking about the God who made the earth in six days? If so, he made you, too. And he also made me. And he made me who I am. I guess I’d rather argue with the Bible than with God when there’s a conflict. And by the way, there’s a lot of stuff in that Bible of yours that you don’t follow. How come you get to choose which things are sacred for you and which are not, and I don’t?”

  “What are you talking about?” My face must have been crimson; I was thinking of my few minutes with Lady Pink Vest. Plus I was irritated about being corrected; JJ wasn’t my mother, after all.

  JJ half smiled. “I can see you’ve got something in mind already. I don’t pretend to know what it is, but I don’t need to know. There are so many things I already know. Like I’ll bet you didn’t even know you weren’t supposed to wear linen and wool together. Or plant two kinds of seeds in the same field. Do you have a sister?”

  “What? No….”

  “Too bad. Your father could sell her into slavery, as long as he took her far enough away, and maybe pay for part of your college education. Have you ever cursed your father? Because he would be expected to kill you for that.” I just stared at him. “So, as I said, I’d rather argue with the Bible than with God. And if you think they’re the same, then you’d better go and familiarize yourself with all the things in the book of Leviticus that will get you stoned to death by your neighbors.”

  If I’d been a little afraid of that tattooed guy’s fury and curses earlier, that was superficial and quickly gone. This was different. JJ stood there, his face like stone, and maybe I wasn’t actually afraid of him, but I felt bad in a way that I knew would stay with me. I couldn’t decide if I was angry or ashamed. And I was having a hard time not thinking about Chris.

  While I stood there like a dunce, JJ leaned against the box of litter again. Before he pushed, he said, “I am who I am, Paul. And so are you. And I don’t think God wants us to lie about what he made us. Now, pull.”

  We got the box where we wanted it, and I tossed the dog bed I’d fetched into the cleared spot. JJ was watching me. Something in me wanted to shock him. It felt like he’d won something earlier, and I wanted some of that back. I said, “My brother was gay.”

  JJ blinked. Ha! Surprise.

  “What brother? What do you mean, ‘was’? You’re not going to try and tell me he changed, are you?”

  I took a breath. What an idiot I was; now I had to talk about Chris. My legs felt funny, and rather than have that show I sat down on what would be Dante’s bed. I took another breath. “My dad doesn’t know. Or my mom. I’m not sure I should be telling you. But since you’re like him, maybe he wouldn’t mind.” I rubbed my face and then looked at JJ. I had his full attention.

  “His name was Chris. He was in the army. He…he died last December. It was right after he’d been home on leave. The night before he went back to ’Nam, he told me. And he asked me not to tell our folks. He was ashamed.” Take that, JJ. I didn’t see any need to go into the relationship with Mason, or the crying, or the being afraid. This was more than enough.

  But JJ didn’t “take that.” He sat on the concrete in front of me looking sad and said, “Oh, Paul, I’m so sorry. Were you close?”

  All I could do was nod. I felt like crying, and I was not going to do that.

  His voice was soft. “What a burden.”

  “Yeah.” I pinched my nose to hide what I was feeling and stood up again. Sitting down was just going to encourage confidences, and I didn’t want to exchange any more of those. In fact, I’d had enough of this entire conversation. “D’you want to come with me to talk to Dad about keeping Dante?” Maybe at least he could help with Dad. Like Chris.
/>   He held out a hand to me to help him up. There was just a second or two of hesitation, and I reached for it. As he got to his feet it occurred to me that just as we hadn’t known Dante’s name when he got here, we never found out the owner’s name, either. He would always be “the tattooed guy.”

  We managed to convince Dad that Dante would be okay there. We laid out a plan to get him walked and cared for, now and after JJ went away to school. Dad even mumbled something about needing to get more exercise himself, so it sounded like he might take some of the responsibility. For sure, he’d always wanted a dog. JJ pointed out that once we got Dante back to being a real dog again, if Dad felt he couldn’t keep him here any longer he’d be the sort of dog someone would want to take, unlike now when he’d probably just be killed. In the end, JJ even worked things so Dad agreed that JJ could take Dante to a vet tomorrow, and Dad would pay for it.

  But then we heard howling. Dad went with us back to the stockroom, and JJ tried to tell him he shouldn’t go in first, but he didn’t listen. Dante took one look at Dad and snarled. He was still tied to the shelves, but it was ugly, anyway.

  “Mr. Landon, I think it might be best if you wait until I can introduce you in a way that won’t upset him. Is that all right?”

  Dad backed out of the room, his eyes on the dog, and said, “I guess so. This had better work out, and soon.”

  JJ and I went in, and he marched right over to the dog and clapped his hands sharply. “Hey!” he said and snapped his fingers toward the floor. Dante lay back down again. “Paul, come stand over him with me. He needs to see you as dominant, too.”

  Well, he is still muzzled. I went over as ordered, and the two of us stared down at Dante a minute.

  “Now turn casually and walk away.”

  As I did, I asked him, “What kind of a dog do you have?” I was wondering if it had been a recovered dog, like this one.

  “How do you know I have a dog?”

  The answer to that would have given away that I’d eavesdropped on him and Dad that day, so I said, “How could you not?” I got to the door and turned to look at him.

  “I do, as a matter of fact. He’s a pit bull.”

  “Does he have a name?” I couldn’t resist asking.

  JJ chuckled. “Yes. Cain. He wasn’t as far gone as Dante, but he had his problems. I think he’s a great dog now. My mom loves him, too. She walks him a lot. She grew up with dogs, and what Cain didn’t teach me, she did.”

  “Does she know?”

  “Know what?”

  “That you’re gay?”

  JJ took a deep breath. “Paul, I really hope you’ll be able to stop focusing on that. It’s just…well, I don’t want to say it’s not important, but it shouldn’t keep coming up. You know?”

  “Sorry.” I wasn’t sure exactly how I was supposed to just forget about it. I mean, it loomed huge between us. And between me and Chris. Between me and my folks.

  “Yes, she knows. But I’m the youngest of four boys, and they’ve all gone off and gotten married and had kids, so she jokes that she doesn’t need any more grandkids to spoil. And she likes that I’ll be going to college. None of my brothers did.”

  “Are they cool with it? I’m asking only because of my brother.”

  “I guess mostly they don’t know. It hasn’t seemed important yet to tell them. My dad doesn’t.”

  “So you do lie to some people.” It was a challenge.

  “No, if any of them asked me, I’d tell them. I told you.”

  Calm. He was so calm. It was like when he was dealing with unruly dogs. Should I, like, let him squeeze the small of my back to get me to sit at his feet or something? But I wasn’t quite done. “I still don’t understand why your mom is so okay with it.”

  “Well, Paul, first of all, you’re assuming there’s something wrong with being gay. Not everyone agrees with that. Me, for one. Plus, my mother believes everyone must be who they are. Maybe that’s one reason she’s so good with dogs; she accepts them for what they are and doesn’t expect them to be something they’re not. That works with people, too, y’know.”

  Half an hour before closing, JJ got Dad’s permission for us to take Dante out for another few laps around the parking lot. JJ started things out, but he had me walk with him, ahead of Dante. At one point he told me he was gonna hand me the leash, reminding me how to hold it, and he passed it over. All three of us just kept going like nothing had happened.

  After a couple of minutes JJ said, “At the next corner, come to a stop and see if Dante stops with you.”

  He did! The dog was right with me. He sat at my feet, and I felt this incredible high, like he had accepted me. Like he acknowledged my leadership.

  Lying in bed that night, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes I’d feel overwhelmed by how fantastic it had felt to have Dante accept me, and sometimes it irritated the hell out of me that I hadn’t been able to get JJ to admit he had a problem. Finally I decided my attempts at getting JJ to agree with me about the gay thing had been pretty wimpy, and I excused myself because I hadn’t had any time to prepare. I’d been caught off-guard. JJ’d had lots of time to prepare; as long as he’d known he was gay, he must have been working out things to say to people like me. But that didn’t make it right, and it was infuriating that he seemed to think it did.

  I mean, my God, even Chris had thought it was wrong. Why else would he have apologized to me for it? “I’m so sorry,” he’d said. “I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. I can’t help it.” And who—oops, sorry, Mom—whom did I look up to more, Chris or JJ?

  Chris had been afraid. JJ isn’t.

  JJ didn’t have to go to ’Nam, damn it!

  In fact, I’d bet that JJ wouldn’t be allowed to go to ’Nam. All he’d have to do is show up at the draft board with his—what would the guy be called, JJ’s boyfriend?—and he’d just waltz back out again. Chris had had more guts than that.

  Or maybe Chris just didn’t have the guts to admit he was gay.

  Christ! Will I ever stop going around in circles with this fucking thing?

  I pulled my pillow down around my ears to try to stop the voices in my head.

  Chapter 12

  JJ showed up before me again the next day, despite the fact that it was his day off, to walk Dante with me. First JJ had me feed him, and then he put a new muzzle on him. He had me put the collar and leash on him, and he made sure I walked out the door ahead of the dog. We walked for about half an hour, around the lot first and then on the neighborhood streets behind the store.

  We didn’t talk much, except when JJ said Dante seemed to have been okay on his own overnight. For my part, I didn’t want to start any conversations that might lead to the gay issue, because I wasn’t ready to counter any of the things JJ had said or might say. I couldn’t tell what was on JJ’s mind. Maybe he needed some sign from me that we were gonna be friends, and if he didn’t get that then he wasn’t gonna push anything. Who knows.

  Dante had a nasty moment when someone else out walking a dog got close, and another when Dante revealed a particular hatred of bicycles. JJ had to take him each time and get him back into control again, which didn’t do much for my self-esteem.

  Back at the lot, JJ took Dante’s leash. “I’m going to walk him to my house, and then my mom and I will take him to our vet. He’s behaved himself very well, overall. D’you want to scratch his ears and massage his shoulders a little?”

  I hadn’t really touched him yet. But there didn’t seem to be any reason not to. I reached down and dug my fingers into the folds of skin around his ears, and he looked up at me. If it hadn’t been for the muzzle, I could have sworn he was smiling.

  In the store I did a few fish tanks, and then I helped some lady with her kid decide which guinea pig to get and what supplies they would need. I never saw the point to guinea pigs, but the little girl was so thrilled she was squealing a lot like the pigs themselves. Should be a good match, I decided.

  Around eleven JJ showed up ag
ain, with Dante. I wouldn’t have known except that I was in the stockroom at the time, and they came in through the back door. Dante seemed exhausted. I asked, “How did it go?”

  JJ sighed a little. “He doesn’t like going to the vet. He proved that sufficiently today. I had to stay in the car with him while my mom waited inside until it was his turn. He was a holy terror in the waiting room with all those other dogs around, and I couldn’t even just stay in the parking area with him, out of the car, because of course people kept bringing animals right past him and he went berserk every time. I’m a little concerned how he’s going to do here, since people will bring dogs into the store.”

  “They won’t come back here.”

  “No, but we need to get him socialized somehow. I’m thinking of bringing Cain in.”

  I gave a kind of snorted laugh. “I’d sell tickets to that one!”

  “Paul, that’s not funny. Too many people do exactly that. But it wouldn’t be like that, anyway. I could keep Cain from attacking, and Dante would be harnessed and muzzled. I’m just a little worried that Dante will get too out of control.”

  “What about tranquilizers?”

  “You are kidding, I hope. Anyway, that wouldn’t socialize him. He needs to learn how to act around other dogs.” He sighed again. “But that’s a future project. Dante and I have both had all the training we can take for one day. Say, d’you think you could help me put up a run for him this afternoon?”

  “Is he ready for that?”

  “Probably not, but I have the time, and it’s my time. So your dad would essentially be donating only your time. And then it would be there whenever Dante’s ready.”

  I shrugged. “I guess.”

  JJ went and bought a few things at the hardware store, driving an old Chevy that was almost certainly his mom’s car, and I had to admit he was pretty good with the tools. I guess I was feeling a little magnanimous or something, because I actually said so.

  “My dad’s a plumber,” he told me, standing on a step stool and drilling a hole into one of the trees off to the side of the lunch area. “All his boys learned how to use tools. No option.”