Home Invasion

by A. American

  I looked over my shoulder to see the old man standing at the door. I waved him in and he opened the door. Mel greeted him, “Morning. Would you like some eggs?”

  He smiled and waved her off. “No thank you, Miss Mel.” Holding his cup up, he added, “I have mine already.”

  I looked at his thermos and said, “But Mel would love a cup coffee.” Then I gave him a shit-eating grin.

  He was right in front of her and couldn’t reply in the manner I’m sure he wanted to. He glanced down at the thermos tucked under his arm, gave me a dirty look and smiled at Mel. “Of course!” He said, a little too happily.

  As he came to the table, Mel retrieved herself a mug from the cabinet. Sarge opened his thermos and began to pour as he spoke. “We need to go to town this morning.” He stopped pouring when the cup was just over half full and stole a look at Mel. He saw she was looking and let out a bit of a sigh as he topped it off. Stingy old fart.

  “What for?” I asked.

  Sipping his coffee, he replied, “We’re going to send a patrol down south.”

  Mel was taking a sip from her mug. The old man was looking at me and I shook my head slightly and narrowed my eyes.

  “What for?” Mel asked.

  He smiled. The old prick liked these kinds of games. “Oh it’s nothing, really. Just to see what sort of effect the storm had on things.”

  She looked at me and asked, “You’re not going are you?”

  “No. But I’ve got business in town too. Not to mention, we should take a look around the area here to see if there was any damage or if anyone is hurt.”

  Sarge smiled, “That’s right, Sheriff. You should take a look.”

  Since my breakfast was finished anyway, I said, “We should probably get going then.”

  Grinning like ass-eating briars, the old bastard replied, “Indeed we should.” I gave Mel a quick kiss as he got up. Sarge said he’d be in the truck waiting and headed for the door.

  Just before he got to the door, Mel called out, “Thank you for the coffee!” She was holding the mug in both hands close to her nose.

  He turned and waved, saying, “Any time.”

  I quickly gathered my gear and pulled some shoes on, without socks. I hate wearing shoes without socks. Told Mel I’d be back and hit the door. Coming out on the porch, I was surprised to see so many people in the yard, off to the side and out of view from where we were eating breakfast. It seemed like nearly everyone was there.

  “What the hell’s going on?” I asked.

  Sarge was leaning on the hood of his Hummer. “We’re just waiting on you to get your shit together. Take your time. The war can wait.”

  I looked at Thad and shook my head. Looking back at Sarge, I said, “I didn’t even know we were doing this today. So don’t give me any shit!”

  “Some of us got a job to do!” Sarge barked back. “Must be nice to sit around all damn day!”

  “Sounds like someone is a little pissed this morning,” Aric muttered.

  I laughed. “He’s just pissed he had to give Mel a cup of coffee is all.” Looking at Aric, I added, “He doesn’t like to share.”

  “Aw, that’s bullshit!” Sarge barked back. “I didn’t mind giving your missus coffee! Stop running your cocksucker!”

  I laughed. “Yeah. You filled her cup half and stopped. When you saw she was expecting a full cup, you looked like someone just told you the Easter Bunny wasn’t real.”

  Mike was snickering under his breath. The old man glared at me. Finally, he replied, “You can kiss my ass.”

  Now he was aggravated and I laughed even harder. “Pick a stop, you ole prick. You’re all ass!”

  Mike let out a snort and Sarge looked over his shoulder at him. Not one to be outdone by anyone, the old man straightened up and quickly unhitched his pants and pulled them down to his knees, bent over and spread his cheeks and shouted, “Right here!”

  A collective Ohhh! came out as everyone turned and started to walk in the opposite direction of him from wherever they were standing. Thad turned his back and started to laugh so hard tears were rolling down his face. Sarge was looking over his shoulder at me, but I wasn’t going to let him get to me that easy.

  I squinted and leaned forward a bit, as if I was straining to see. “I’m not kissing that. It don’t look normal.” I tapped Thad on the shoulder and nodded at the old man, “Thad, does that look normal to you?”

  Still laughing, Thad replied, “I ain’t looking! Ain’t nothing natural about this!”

  “What’s it look like?” Mike shouted.

  I shook my head and replied, “I don’t know. But it don’t look right.” I asked, “Does it hurt?” That sent Thad over the edge and he lost it, belly-laughing so hard he nearly couldn’t breathe.

  Sarge straightened up and turned to face me, without pulling his pants up, and asked, “What the hell are you talking about?”

  I nodded at him and said, “You may want to get a doctor to look at that. It just don’t look right. I don’t see how you can sit down.” Sarge was unsure now. He couldn’t tell if I was full of shit or not.

  I looked at Doc and shouted, “Hey, Doc, you may want to come look at this!”

  Doc replied by giving me the finger over his shoulder and saying, “Fuck you! If he ain’t been shot, he don’t need my help!”

  I shook my head and said, “I don’t know. Looks like he may have sat on a small explosive device.”

  Thad was already laughing again, and my last statement set Mike over the edge. He started to guffaw loudly. Bent over slapping his knees and making a real scene. Even Ted, who was usually a little harder to stir up, was now laughing. But all this was brought to an end when we heard Mel’s voice from the porch.

  “What the hell is going on out here?” She asked.

  Sarge quickly hitched up his pants and turned several shades of red. Mike was still laughing and said, “He wanted to know if it looked funny? Does it look funny to you?”

  Sarge glared at him as Mel replied, “There isn’t anything funny about this.” Then, looking at Sarge, she added, “You’re lucky Ashley didn’t see that.”

  Sarge was flustered and stammered when he spoke. “I’m real sorry, Mel. It’s not what it looks like.”

  She folded her arms over her chest and leaned against a post on the porch, asking, “And just what does it look like?” I started to laugh as well. Mainly because I thought Thad was going to piss himself. He had his back to Mel and wouldn’t look at her. But I probably should have kept quiet because she looked at me and asked, “What’s so damn funny?”

  That cut my laugh off and I shrugged, replying, “Well, you gotta admit, it did look funny.” Mike let out a howl of laughter and ducked behind the truck.

  She did not see the humor though. “There isn’t anything funny about a bunch of grown men standing in my yard—” she paused looking for the right words. “with their junk hanging out.”

  From behind the truck, still laughing, Mike cried out, “It was just a little old junk!”

  Sarge spun and headed around the truck. Mike was defenseless as the old man set to him with his boot. Mike came stumbling out from behind the truck trying to run, but he was still laughing too hard and Sarge landed several hard blows to his thigh and ass.

  Mel just shook her head. Checking over her shoulder as she turned back to the house, she replied, “You guys take your bullshit somewhere else!”

  “Yes ma’am,” Ted replied. “I’ll get them out of here.”

  I looked at him, shaking my head. “You suck ass! You got tears in your eyes too!”

  He smiled as he wiped his cheek. “True, but she ain’t mad at me and I plan on keeping it that way.”

  Dalton’s voice surprised me. I hadn’t noticed him with all the crap going on. “Well, now that we’ve all seen the old man’s pecker. Let’s go to town.”

  Sarge shot Dalton a look, daring him to say more. Dalton raised his hands, “Hey, I’m not judging. It was a fine looking pecker if
you ask me.”

  Mike had wandered out of earshot of Sarge and muttered, “In its day.”

  This brought Thad to tears again and he had to kneel down before he passed out. As I walked past him, I patted him on the back and said, “Come on, big boy. Let’s go.”

  He stood up, wiping copious tears from his eyes. Shaking his head, he said, “Morgan. You boys are a mess. I swear! I’ve never seen anything like it!”

  “Are we done now?” Sarge barked. “Everyone get a good laugh? Can we get to work now?”

  Ted held a finger up and replied, “I did.”

  Sarge studied him for a minute, nodding his head slightly. In a calm voice, he said, “Go ahead, Teddy. Keep it up.”

  Ted shrugged. “You know I’m just playing with you.”

  “Does it look like I’m playing?” Sarge barked.

  Ted didn’t know what to say and blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. “You were the one pulling your fucking pants down!”

  Sarge shook his head and looked around. Stopping on Aric, he asked, “You got anything to say? Some smartass comment to make?”

  Aric shook his head and simply replied, “Nope.”

  “Well!” Sarge barked. “Someone around here’s got some fucking brains! Load up, you assholes! The lot of you!”

  Thad went to the little red truck and started it up. Dalton got in with him and Mike jumped in the back, he wasn’t about to ride with the old man right now. I went over and climbed in the backseat of the Hummer. Ted was driving and Sarge was riding shotgun. Jamie was sitting in the back of the truck and scared the shit out of me because I didn’t see her.

  “You been back here the whole time?” I asked.

  “The whole time,” Jamie replied.

  “Enjoy the show?”

  “Shut up, Morgan,” Sarge snapped. Ian just smiled and didn’t say anything.

  As we pulled out, we stopped by the bunker. Perez was there with Fred and Jess. He didn’t seem to mind the mud and debris piled everywhere. But Jess and Fred were trying to free the tarp from a palm tree it was tangled in as Perez watched, smoking a cigarette.

  Sarge motioned for Ted to stop, and he pulled up beside Perez. The old man stared at him as he sat there watching the girls struggle with the tarp. After a moment, he said, “Hey, Beaner! You gonna get off your lazy ass and help them?”

  Perez looked over as smoke drifted out of his nose. “I’m Puerto Rican, cabron.”

  “Then get off your Puerto Rican ass and help them.”

  “Besa mi culo.” Perez replied with a thick Spanish accent.

  “No, no. We’ve seen enough culos for one day,” Ted quickly replied. Getting a curious look from Perez.

  Jess stopped and looked back at the truck. “Leave him alone, Sarge. We told him we’d get it out if he’d put it back up.”

  Sarge shook his head. “You should still be helping them, zurramato.”

  Perez smiled and pointed his smoke at the old man. “You do speak Spanish, don’t you?”

  Sarge smiled and replied, “Te meto la verga por el osico para que te calles el pinche puto osico hijo de perra!” Perez erupted into laughter, slapping his knee. Sarge smiled and added, “I know enough. Nos vemos mas tarde.”

  Perez waved at him and replied, “Anciano tarde.”

  Sarge waved back and nodded for Ted to go, and we pulled away. The paved road past the bunker was littered with leaves and branches. Everything was a mess. Even the yards of the houses on the street were a mess. Made me wonder what town was going to look like. But when we turned out onto Hwy 19, I saw something I would never have expected.

  Ted stopped the truck and we all sat there staring. After a moment, Ian asked, “Should we shoot it?”

  “It’s got a rope hanging around its neck,” Ted replied.

  “I didn’t think there were any left,” Sarge said as he opened the door and stepped out.

  The big black cow just stood there looking back at us. It didn’t move. Just stood there chewing its cud. I got out with Sarge and asked, “We got time to butcher that thing?”

  “It wouldn’t take that long. We could just quarter it without skinning it and take care of it when we get back,” he replied.

  “Wonder who it belongs too,” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Hard to say. We can’t wrangle it.”

  Our discussion was cut short by the crack of a rifle. Both of us jumped at the sound and spun around to see Dalton sling his AK. “We’re having steak tonight,” he said as he walked past us, drawing that big-ass kukri.

  The bullet hit the cow between the eyes. Its legs splayed out and it collapsed in a heap, blood gushing from the wound. Dalton stepped up to it and rolled its head to the side and cut its throat. A river of blood poured out.

  Sarge looked at me and said, “Looks like we’re butchering a cow,” as he walked towards Dalton.

  Thad came up beside me and said, “Someone is gonna be pissed off.”

  I grunted. “Yeah. Probably. When we get this thing cut up, can you take it home. I don’t think we need to be driving through town with a truckload of beef.”

  Thad nodded. “That’s a good idea.” He slapped me on the back and said, “Come on. We got work to do.”

  Dalton was trying to roll the beast over when we walked up, and I told them what Thad and I discussed. Sarge agreed it was a good idea.

  “Let’s skin it out. I want the hide,” Thad said.

  “What in the hell for?” Sarge asked.

  Thad looked at him like his head was on sideways. “I’ll make leather out of it.”

  So we got to work butchering the bovine. After skinning it, we left the hide on the road to protect the meat. The quarters were cut off along with the ribs. The backstrap was cut out and the tenderloins removed from the bottom side. We also kept the liver, heart and kidneys. The neck was also salvaged. Once all the usable meat was removed, the quarters were picked up and Aric and I took the hide and laid it out in the bed of the truck and meat was piled on it.

  But Thad wasn’t done. I looked back to see him working on the head and walked back over. He had the head upside down and was cutting under the chin. “What are you doing?” I asked.

  Without pausing his work, he replied, “I’m cutting the tongue out.”

  “Never had it,” I replied.

  “Oh, it’s good,” he said as he pulled it out through the hole he’d cut. He then sliced it off, holding it up. “Here, put this in the truck. I got one more thing to get.”

  I took the tongue and asked, “What? We’ve got everything.”

  Thad stepped around to the back of the animal and grabbed the tail. Looking up with a smile, he said, “Ox tail.”

  “But that’s a cow,” I said, pointing at it.

  He started to laugh and Sarge, who’d walked up, said, “Ignore him, Thad. He don’t know what’s good. He’s fucking ignorant.”

  Thad cut the tail off at the base of the spine and held it up. “I got some collards in the garden. I’ll smoke this and we’ll cook the collards with it.”

  “Damn good eatin’,” Sarge said. “Get Miss Kay to make a cake of cornbread and I’ll be in heaven.”

  Thad grinned. “Yeah, it is. Reminds me of my momma.”

  “Go on and take that home, Thad. Get Danny to help you with it,” Sarge said.

  “Oh I got this,” Thad replied as he headed for the truck. “I was just going to town to check on the farm. This is more important.”

  I followed him to the back of the truck and looked at the mountain of meat. “What are we going to do with all this?”

  Sarge snorted and barked, “We’re going to eat it!”, then added, “Dumbass.”

  “We got no way to store this much meat!” I replied.

  Thad looked at me with a knowing smile and said, “Don’t worry, Morgan. I’ll take care of it.”

  “Let’s take one of the quarters to town,” Sarge said. “There’s a lot of meat here and we can share it.”

  “Good id
ea,” I replied as I grabbed one and started to pull it out.

  Thad left and headed back home as we continued on towards Eustis. While I was concerned about how we were going to preserve all that beef, I was more caught up with the idea of a thick steak. A real beef steak. Grilled over an oak fire. My stomach started to rumble just thinking about it.

  Jamie gave voice to my thoughts, kind of. “You guys better save us a steak.”

  “Yeah,” Ian added. “Just the thought of having a huge ribeye is unbelievable.”

  “I wish we could have herded the thing home,” I said.

  “What in the hell for?” Sarge said over his shoulder. “It’s not like you could get a calf out of it. There ain’t no bulls around!”

  “It’ll be good,” Dalton said. “If we hadn’t killed it, someone else would have.”

  “And a lot of folks are going to be able to use this. We’ll give this to the armory and give some to Gina and Dylan too,” Sarge said.

  “I guess you guys are right,” I said.

  “Of course we’re right!” Sarge barked.

  I rolled my eyes as I shook my head. Jamie laughed and slapped my shoulder. I looked back and she was grinning. Rolling into town, we went straight to the armory. While the rest of the crew went into the armory to discuss the recon they were going on, I hung out long enough to bring the beef in. Which drew a lot of attention.

  Dalton carried the slab of meat on his shoulder into the armory, like some kind of damn caveman. Livingston saw it and quickly came over, asking, “What the hell is that?”

  Dalton looked at him, his eyes wild and a crazy grin on his face, replying, “It’s meat, lad! Meat!”

  “Where did you get it?” Livingston asked as Dalton dropped it onto a table. “And what is it?”

  “It’s beef,” Sarge replied. “It was in the road on the way here.” He motioned to Dalton and added, “This knuckle-dragging booger-eater shot it.”

  “Makes ‘em a lot easier to butcher,” Dalton said quite seriously.

  I headed for the jail. Mike was sitting on the hood of the Hummer and I stopped, looking around. “Where the hell were you? Weren’t you riding with Thad?”