Notes On Love

by K. L. Shandwick

  Sliding into the faux leather seat, he reached up, held my head in his warm hands and kissed me hard like I was his air. In the short time I knew him, Gray had never cared who we were with or what else was going on. Whenever he had felt the urge he’d always taken what he wanted, when he wanted. And during that time he definitely had wanted me.

  “Gray…I…I don’t—”

  “Come on, Hettie, please, it’ll be fun,” he coaxed. Hearing the plea in his voice as it cut across mine made my excited heart miss a beat.

  His persuasive tone was still the same. For the whole five weeks we’d spent together he had just turned up, scooped me up, and threw me into the old pick-up truck Saunders Rush had let him borrow.

  “I can’t make any promises,” I replied, not even sure what I’d say to Harris. Of course I’d have to tell him.

  “I’ll be there at 9:00 am. I’m dying to see you, baby.”

  The word, baby, caught me off guard. In truth, I wondered if it would kill me. The thought of being so close to him, both thrilled me and filled me with fear. It had taken a long time to feel like life could go on after he’d left. He’d left a crack in my heart which had never fully healed.

  “Breakfast. Okay. I’ll be there,” I agreed, my mind no longer focusing on the consequences of my decision. I couldn’t bear the thought that he was in Miami and I may have an opportunity to spend time with him.

  “Amazing. Thank you, babe. I’ll look forward to it. I can’t wait to see you. Are you sure you can’t make dinner?”

  “You sound desperate…although I’m sure you’re not.”

  “I am desperate. It’s been far too long, babe. When I close my eyes I can still remember that perfect smile of yours.”

  When I heard Gray mention my smile it took me back to a night when we sat on the boardwalk; me astride him. After ditching the rest of the gang Gray and I had a hot and heavy make out session to the sound of the crashing waves on the otherwise quiet, deserted shore. Watching his reaction in his expression as he traced my mouth with his thumb, I smiled when it tickled my lips, it was then he told me he thought I had the perfect smile.

  Another thrill of anticipation shot through me and pulled at my core. I didn’t want our open conversation to end, but I needed a minute to pull myself together. Listening to Gray’s voice with his distinctively sexy London accent was dangerously seductive. Seven years had passed, yet he was charming me all over again with a few sentences. I couldn’t resist him from the first time I heard him speak. Whether I wanted it or not, I could feel an invisible thread tugging me toward him.

  “No, I can’t make dinner. I already have plans, I told you. I can just about make it to breakfast.”

  “Breakfast it is then. I’m looking forward to it already.” Gray’s voice sounded warmly genuine. Suddenly, I was looking forward to dinner with Harris even less than I had been before Gray called.

  “See you then,” I said, as I tried to stay strong and in charge of my feelings. I cut the call before he could say anything else. Breathing deeply, the hand I was holding the cell with fell to my lap as I threw my head back against the headrest of my seat.

  Talking to Gray had left me feeling winded. My heart thumped hard against my ribcage; the effect of talking to him again had stirred a feeling of longing I had no business feeling and I wondered if I could plead temporary insanity for agreeing to meet him.

  However, deep down I knew there was never the possibility that I’d let him leave without seeing him face to face again. I had waited seven years for closure on a chapter of my life that had never felt complete since Gray left. My hand shook as I stuck my key in the ignition and fought the wave of feelings covering everything from excitement to sadness. Pushing everything out of my mind I fired the engine of my car, as my thoughts turned to what I’d tell Harris about my meeting tomorrow.

  Chapter 6

  Seven years ~ Gray

  Unable to sleep, I lay with my hands behind my head and stared up into the darkness. It was the middle of the night and Phoebe was lying next to me. Normally, I would never have let her sleep in my bed, but I’d forgotten to ask to change my reservation from one to two rooms. A small sigh left her mouth as she turned and snuggled against my side. I found her slow, deep, even breathing comforting.

  Most people would think I was a dog for being with one woman and chasing another, and although Phoebe and I were a means to an end, I was conscious of what I had arranged. I’d never have done it if Phoebe hadn’t encouraged me, but I knew there were no deeper feelings between us.

  Fortunately, Phoebe didn’t try to be with me that night, and I think she probably knew I’d never want that again with her after sharing how I felt about Hettie. Strangely, it hadn’t felt weird lying in bed talking to her as I tried to figure out my feelings. I bored her to sleep and had surprised myself by noting how much Hettie and I had packed into the five weeks we’d spent in each other’s company.

  As the dawn’s light rose and small rays of light broke into the room through the blackout drapes, my thoughts continued to be consumed by the girl I was meeting that day. Small pangs of guilt mingled with anticipation about seeing her again. My thoughts were flooded with uncertainties of how she would react when she saw me.

  Thinking back to our call, it was short, curt, and there had been something missing from what I remembered she sounded like. When I had seen the unfamiliar number on my phone, my heart’s pace had soared. I just knew it was her. My inner voice screamed my excitement with the possibility I’d found her, while my head held back on those feelings. I knew there was every chance she’d reject my request to see her. What if this is a bad idea?

  Once I heard her familiar voice I thought it was tainted with pain. It knotted my stomach. I knew she’d hurt after I left, because it had hurt me too. But in my mind at the time, it had to be done. I would never have been happy if I hadn’t followed my dreams and chosen to stay for her. Perhaps it was my selfish attitude, but we only had five short weeks together. How does one set their whole future aspirations against a timeframe like that? Who knew the twenty-three-year-old man I was then would be filled with regret to have walked away without a resolution at thirty.

  There was no doubt in my mind I had felt something for her and I may well have struggled to leave had it been longer. But deep down I knew I’d have come to resent trying to be with her while half of my heart belonged somewhere else.

  “Did you sleep at all?” Phoebe’s gruff, sleepy voice cut into my thoughts.

  “Some.”

  “Liar. Is she really all that to you?”

  “I don’t know. Memories can play tricks sometimes…make you feel like there’s more than what was there in the first place.”

  Phoebe fell silent in thought before she murmured, “I get that, but if it’s seven years, and she’s still on your mind, its unfinished business. Even if it isn’t true love, the real deal, your heart is missing a piece of the puzzle that’s preventing you from letting her go.”

  “I hear you. But I wouldn’t know what love is. Perhaps it’s just the way I ended it. Maybe if I’d gone to see her that day, like I was supposed to, I’d have been long over her.”

  “Do you really believe that, Gray?”

  “Nah, I’m bullshitting myself,” I chuckled. “I don’t know, maybe I’m going to cause more hurt, more confusion. Maybe it’s me that’s going to get hurt.”

  “Yeah, you said she’s with someone?”

  My stomach sank to my belly at that thought—a low ache within me making my heart feel heavy inside my chest. “Yeah, she said she was having dinner with him last night.”

  “Married?”

  “She said, partner.”

  “Maybe she’s batting for the other side these days, Gray. That would be a low blow, huh?”

  “She’s not gay. Not after the way she responded to me, and definitely not after she let me do the things I did to her.” I cleared my voice when a memory of us fucking
crossed my mind and I remembered who I was with. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

  “Don’t mind me, no love lost between us. And I’m glad you can pick your feelings apart with me like this. It shows trust in me. Most people see Gray, the showman, fucking his way through a mirage of groupies before you met Lizzie, and no one apart from me since. You don’t think going back to Hettie is something you feel safe with, do you? Like a rebound after Lizzie?”

  “Hettie would never be a rebound call. And not to speak ill of the dead, Lizzie was never all that for me. No. Hettie’s someone’s first and last thought every day. She’s fucking sunshine in the rain. A long, cool drink after a sweaty workout—”

  “All right, don’t start getting all fucking poetic on me, it’ll make me spew,” she said with a soft giggle.

  Turning to face her, I smoothed Phoebe’s hair from her face in the dim light of the morning. “You’re a great friend for a girl, but I need to stop fucking you. It doesn’t feel like we just have sex it’s…more, but not, if you know what I mean. You need someone who’ll really take care of you, Pheebs.”

  “I can take care of myself, Gray. Besides, why have one flavor when there’s a whole chocolate store available.”

  “One day some guy is gonna knock you sideways,” I said, smiling affectionately at her.

  “He doesn’t exist.”

  “No? Ideal man, tell me.” Phoebe snuggled closer, her hand sliding over my abs until she slid it lower and grabbed a handful of my ass.

  “A guy who looks and fucks like you do, but this one cooks and cleans, does laundry and the like, and he takes me shopping. This guy just lives to carry all my heavy bags, gives me a massage every morning, and goes down on me every night. Oh, and he buys me tampons, Tylenol, and ice cream, then disappears for a week when my menstrual cycle is due.”

  I laughed heartily at her description. “You’re a diamond, you know that?”

  “Of course I am, and as such I treat myself like the precious gem I know I am. And if that means I fuck when I want, and don’t settle for a pair of slippers by the fire, an apron, and five kids biting at my ankles, who could blame me for not wanting that?”

  Phoebe rolled away from me and the loss of her warm comforting body was noted. She elegantly slid out from between the sheets and headed for the bathroom. I was glad she’d worn a tank and shorts, but watching her ass still gave me the ‘feels’ in my morning wood. I had dug out some boxer briefs to wear to bed because it felt weird that we were sharing a bed without fucking after I’d spoken to Hettie. I was making too much of it when it was simple. Like Phoebe had said we were nothing to each other.

  Glancing at my cell I saw it was 7:50 am. In just over an hour I’ll see her again.

  The time motivated me to prepare for breakfast and as Phoebe came out of the shower I took her place. My mind was a minefield of thoughts while my belly fluttered wondering how the morning would go at the diner. I had no rights over Hettie, and I knew she was with someone else. This is breakfast, nothing else. Who was I kidding?

  By the time I left the shower, Phoebe had ordered some coffee and croissants. I declined the pastry but downed the espresso like I had moments to live. I grimaced at the tart aftertaste in my mouth and headed back to the bathroom to brush my teeth again. Once there, I wiped the still foggy mirror and stared at the freshly groomed guy staring back at me. Why the fuck am I so nervous? It wasn’t like I didn’t know her. But I didn’t know her now.

  It felt weird to think that way when I’d licked every damn inch of her in the past. The thought of the things I had done to her stirred my cock in my jeans. I tried to ignore it and moved to the door. Moments later I was making my way to the beachfront diner with plenty of time before her arrival. The last thing I had wanted was for Hettie to be there before me.

  ****

  I watched all tourists and locals heading to the beach with assorted sunshades, surfboards, and bodyboards. It reminded me of some of the things I missed about Miami. Living in shorts and within a short distance from a beach had been an awesome lifestyle. I had so many amazing and funny stories in my memory bank from my time as a student here. Some of the best were right there on the beach when we sat around a lit camp fire.

  I must have walked faster than I thought—my thoughts preoccupying me—and I arrived at JoeJoe’s at 8:45 am. Pushing my hand against the door’s metal panel, I walked inside and glanced around, checking she wasn’t already sitting there. A waitress came to seat me and I asked for the booth we had both spent so much time in. Our booth. The place was the same, the staff different. Explaining I was waiting for someone, I accepted the coffee she offered and a glass of water, before sliding my cell out of my pocket. I checked it for the umpteenth time to make sure she hadn’t cancelled on me at the last minute.

  As I looked up from my phone, my eyes connected with the familiar, almond-shaped, brown eyes that I remembered from all those years before. My heart stilled when it registered Hettie was right there in front of me. Dressed in a white linen dress and matching pale-blue linen jacket, she stood nervously by the door. I watched her swallow as she flicked her long, brown, curly hair over her shoulder and I saw it cascade down her back.

  She had worn her hair in a bob when I knew her, and I’d loved that feature back then, but now her long flowing hair made her even prettier. She had the poise of a ballet dancer. As my fingers started to tingle, I suddenly remembered to breathe. Hettie Lawson’s outstanding beauty had stolen the breath from my lungs all over again.

  Standing up, I walked slowly toward her when I really wanted to run to her. Sliding my hand around her waist when I reached her, I pecked her on the cheek with a soft kiss and inhaled her scent deeply. Every cell in my body screamed for me to pull her closer, but I couldn’t behave that way with her anymore. That realization made me feel like I was starving and suffocating at the same time feeling her so close in my arms again.

  My body hummed, reacting to her sweet scent that filled my nostrils. My greedy eyes feasted unashamedly on her beauty which had only been enhanced by age since the last time I’d seen her.

  “Hello, baby, you look gorgeous,” I said with a smile. My honest compliment fell easily from my lips. I wanted to say more but I had to be restrained in my approach. Once I had her there I was careful not to blow it.

  “Gray.” Hearing her say my name made me smile. I grinned widely because she really was in front of me. She looked unsure, her eyes quickly glancing over my body before her eyes met mine again and she gave me a small smile. It lit up my world, warming me inside.

  “It’s so damn good to see you,” I declared, and leaned in to kiss her cheek again. My hand brushed the arm of her jacket, I couldn’t resist stroking it. Hettie stood still, a stunned expression on her face at the familiar way I touched her, so I slipped my hand into hers and met no resistance. It was small and delicate and felt fucking awesome in mine. “Let’s take a seat, babe,” I offered, leading her to the booth we always had.

  Peeling away her outer layer of clothing, my eyes fell on her smooth, shiny, tanned shoulders. I wanted to smooth my palms over them and place a soft kiss over one, but I knew she wasn’t mine, so I folded her jacket as she slid into the seat.

  I was tempted to slide in beside her like I used to, but that intimate gesture was reserved for couples so I sat opposite her. That wasn’t as bad as I thought because I got to look at her beautiful face and mouth while she spoke.

  “So…”

  “Yeah,” I replied, smiling like I’d won the lottery. “Sorry, coffee? Still black decaf?”

  Hettie’s eyes widened just a little then she frowned. “Yeah, thanks…you remember that…” she stated in an awkward mumble as her gaze dropped to the table.

  I signaled the waitress and looked back at Hettie.

  “God, you look good enough to eat.” I grinned as my eyes roamed over her face and hair.

  “You already did that,” she replied, deadpan.

 
; I almost choked at her answer. It was unexpected, but she had always had a way of saying things like that in college. “Yeah…best pussy I ever tasted.” I confessed and took delight in watching heat rise to her cheeks. Her eyes met mine for a second before she averted them to the serving hatch by the kitchen. But not before I saw a sparkle of something in them.

  Watching her closely, I noted her inhaling deeply while her tongue skimmed over her bottom lip. Looking up at me, she stared directly into my eyes, her gaze challenging me.

  “So what’s with the trip down memory lane? Are you dying?”

  I laughed at her. Pissed off Hettie was someone I never got to meet during our five weeks together. “Like I said, the band is taking off in the US, so I thought I should look you up…see how you’re doing.”

  “Why? So you can text me and blow me off like some groupie you just fucked?”

  Reaching over the table, I tried to take her hand, but instead of the passive behavior from earlier she slid them away and tucked them out of my reach, under the table.

  “Do you want me to say I’m sorry about that? Because I really am.”

  “Are you?”

  “Of course I am. You think I’d be sitting here now if I wasn’t? Despite what you think, it took guts to walk away from you. And if it’s any consolation, Hettie, I knew how you felt. You never said the words; you didn’t have to. It was clear from how your body responded, how your eyes looked into mine. I heard it in how you said my name, how you cried the last night we were together. Just know this, it wasn’t completely one-sided. I felt something too.”

  “It hurt. For a long time, Gray. It fucking hurt.”

  “Me too. It wasn’t easy, believe me. I missed you. Missed seeing your face.”

  Hettie stared into my eyes and it was like the world fell away around us. Both of us sat silent, each of us contemplating who should speak first.