Chasing Fireflies

by Paige P. Horne

  She looks up at me with tear-stained cheeks. “I hate her,” she says, crying more. I walk over and sit down on the floor with her. When I pull her to me, she switches her blonde curls for my shirt, and it soaks up her blood and tears. “I hate her, and I hate taking that fucking medicine.”

  I don’t say anything; I just let her cry it out. Looking up, I see Maci standing at the doorway. I shake my head at her, like not now. She nods and reaches for the door to shut it. I know I can trust those people down there with my child, so I don’t question where Ellie is. They’re family and love Little Miss as much as her mama and I do.

  My ass is numb, and Sara has finally calmed down enough for me to pick her up. Once I do, though, I notice she has fallen asleep. I cradle her to me and kiss her forehead before I walk over to the bed. Laying her down, I lift the throw from the bottom of the bed and put it over her. I look at the rise and fall of her chest before my eyes lock on her face. Her lips are slightly opened, red and puffy like her eyes were when I walked in.

  Debbie’s words pass through my mind. She is right, though. I should have looked myself. I don’t understand why Sara stops taking her medication, knowing it helps her. But maybe they don’t. I don’t know. She has changed medications so many times. She’s tired. She’s tired of it all. Looking down at my T-shirt, I see blood and wet spots from Sara’s tears, so I lift it up over my head and grab another one out of the closet before I walk out of the room, leaving her to rest and making my way down the stairs. The front door is open, and I look out the screen and see Leigh and Maci sitting on the front porch steps with Ellie.

  I hear her talking, so I listen. “Mommy gets sad sometimes,” she tells them. “I always give her a hug when I see her crying. It helps. I thought.” She’s still wearing her red cape on her back, and little curls fall from her pulled up hair. She puts her elbows on her knees and her cheeks on her little closed fists. I slide down the wall and rest my forearms on my knees. My heart falls in my chest as I listen to my little girl tell our friends the sad truth about her mama. I lean my head back against the wall, looking up at the ceiling, remembering the day Sara and I painted it white more than five years ago.

  “My arms are so sore. I won’t be able to lift a toothpick,” Sara says. White drops of paint are all over her old overalls, and she’s barefoot with baby blue toenails. I smile at her because she looks so damn beautiful right now I can’t imagine anything prettier.

  “What are you staring at?” she asks, giving me a grin.

  “You.”

  “Why me?” She climbs down from the ladder and lays her paint roller down onto the paint tray. She wipes her forehead with the back of her hand before placing both hands on her hips.

  “You’re so goddamn beautiful.”

  “Cash.” She smiles. I walk over to her, and she drops her arms. As I look into her eyes, she laughs.

  “Why are you laughing?”

  “Because you’re being all sappy again,” she tells me.

  “Oh, I’m being sappy?” I ask her playfully.

  “Yes,” she says, shaking her head and placing her hands onto my chest. I surprise her and lift her up. She grins wider before she takes her bottom lip between her teeth. I kiss her, making her let it go. Dropping to my knees, I lay her down on the old sheets we have on the floor that catch the paint droppings. She smells so good and tastes even better. I run my hand up the side of her body, making my way up to the clasp on her overalls. I unhook them, and they fall behind her back onto the floor. She slides them down, and I lift her shirt up. Going down, I kiss all over her stomach, then help take her pants off. I hook my fingers into her panties, and they go, too, before I make quick work of undoing my pants.

  She’s naked on our living room floor, and I’m still fully dressed. I pull myself out and line up at her entrance. She’s soaked, and I moan as she surrounds me. Her legs snake around my waist, and I cover her lips again with mine as she slides my baseball hat off. I make her groan, and she drives me crazy when she runs her hands through my hair. She’s my sweet thing, my life, my fucking crazy heart, and I make her see stars as a strong wind enters our house through every open window. It blows the sheets around us, and Sara’s body lifts up toward me as she comes and tells me how much she loves me.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Cash

  I throw the line into the water and set my pole down so I can help Little Miss throw hers out.

  “Is Mommy gonna be okay?” she asks me.

  “Yeah, Grandma is home with her.”

  “She seems so sad, and I think I should be there with her.”

  “Well, Mommy wants fish tonight, and Daddy needed a fishing buddy.”

  “Okay,” she says. After I put her line in, we take a seat on the ground and look out over the water. “There’s another fisherman over there, Daddy,” Ellie says, pointing.

  “Yep, he’s gonna catch him some dinner, too.”

  He walks closer to us, and my wild child yells at him, “Hey! What’s your name?”

  “Ellie,” I scowl.

  “I’m just saying hey, Daddy.”

  “You know you aren’t supposed to talk to strangers.”

  The man turns toward us, and I see who it is. He doesn’t look at me, only at Ellie. “Name’s Lucas,” he says. “What’s yours?”

  “Mine’s Little Miss,” she says proudly. “He’s not a stranger now, Daddy.” She grins at me.

  “Pick up your pole, baby girl.”

  “But what about the fish?”

  “Do as I say. Now,” I tell her. She pouts, but does it anyway. “Go on and get in the truck.” She doesn’t question me this time. “Lucas, what business you got coming back here?” I ask, walking over to him.

  “Well, deputy, I didn’t realize that was you there. You got a little one now?” he asks, looking past me at Ellie.

  “You need to be getting on your way.”

  “I don’t think that’s something you can decide. I think I’ll stay. I’ve always liked this little town. Plus, I need to pay a visit to a long-lost wife of mine.” He grins before he leans down and spits in the dirt.

  “You get on out of here, Lucas, or I’ll have no choice but to bring you in. This is your one and only warning.”

  He laughs. “What? You gonna tell the big bad chief on me?”

  “I am the fucking chief,” I say, surprising him by grabbing the front of his shirt. His eyes grow wide. “And if you don’t get the hell out of my town, you’ll wish you never came back.” I toss him away from me and he stumbles backward. “Don’t let me see your face again.” I turn away from him and walk back to my pole. I grab it out of the water and toss it into the back of Old Blue before I get inside.

  “Daddy, who was that?” Ellie asks.

  “A mean man you won’t be seeing again.” I crank the truck and look over at him walking back to his car. I don’t move until he drives off down the road that heads out of town. I say that to Ellie, but I know he’ll be back. I put the truck in drive, and we make our way into town to pick up some fish from Sally’s Market.

  “What are we gonna do about Mama’s fish?”

  “We’re going to buy some.”

  “Will they taste the same? I don’t want her to be sad.”

  I chuckle sadly. “They’ll taste the same, baby. Don’t you worry about Mama.”

  *

  “How’s she feeling?” I ask Mama when I walk into the house.

  “She’s sitting out back, said she wanted to get some air,” she tells me as she takes the groceries from my hands. “You didn’t catch any fish?”

  “Nah, ran into a little issue, no big deal, but we ended up going to buy some instead.”

  “Well, I’ll cook it up. Come on, Little Miss, and help Grandma cook.”

  “Thanks, Mama,” I say, walking over to the fridge. I grab a beer and head toward the back door. I step outside, hearing the nighttime bugs and seeing Sara sitting at the table we have out here. She’s facing away from me, but I c
an see that she rests her chin on her bent-up knee. A gray sweater covers her arms, and her hair is wild as it falls around her back and shoulders. I sigh and walk over, taking a seat beside her on the bench. She doesn’t even look over at me, and I see the tiredness in her pretty face. I lift my hand and move her hair away from her shoulders so I can see her face better.

  “Baby,” I say. I see her swallow before she looks at me. She gives me the smallest smile before she turns back toward the field. “I saw Lucas earlier.”

  “What?” she asks.

  “Yeah, I told him to get the hell out of here.” I take a sip of my beer. “I hope he listens.”

  “I hope so, too,” she murmurs. I hear the back door open, and Little Miss rounds the table.

  “Mommy,” she says, grabbing Sara’s leg. She hugs it hard, and Sara puts her hand on Ellie’s back.

  “Hey, baby. Did you have a good time with Daddy?”

  “Yes, but we saw a mean man and Daddy told him to go away. So we didn’t get no fish. But we went to Sally’s, and Daddy paid for them instead. He said they’ll still taste the same, Mommy, so don’t be sad.”

  “Okay, sweet girl.”

  Ellie removes herself from Sara’s leg and climbs up on the table. “Look at those lights out there,” she says, pointing toward the field.

  “Those are fireflies,” Sara says.

  “If you run inside and ask Grandma to give you a jar, we can go catch some like Mommy used to do when she was a little girl.”

  “Catch them?” Little Miss asks. “But how will they breathe?”

  “We can put holes in the top so they can breathe.”

  “Okay,” Ellie says, jumping down and taking off toward the house. Sara stands up and she and her bare feet walk out to the field. She stands there watching the fireflies while I sit and sip on my beer watching her. Little Miss runs out of the house, passing by me, heading straight to her mama. She tugs on her sweater and hands her the jar. I see Sara wipe her face, and I know she has been crying. Why is she so sad? I just don’t understand it. Ellie doesn’t notice, and Sara unscrews the top before handing it back to her.

  She points out to the field for Ellie to run and try to catch them. I lean back on my elbows, watching my pretty girl with her long brown hair as she goes in circles. My eyes look over at my wife holding her face, and I see her shoulders shake. I take a big gulp of my beer and cast my eyes to the sky, taking in the enormousness of it and all the pretty stars. I see a shooting star, and it reminds me of the time Sara sat on my lap and asked me if I wished for babies. I didn’t wish for babies then. I wished for the same thing I’m wishing for tonight—for my wife to be happy and for her to never leave me.

  *

  “Yeah, he was fishing at the pond Ellie and I always go to,” I tell Ben as we sit at Chevy’s eating breakfast.

  “Son of a bitch. I can’t believe he’s back in town,” Ben says as he takes the last bite of his eggs.

  “Well, he is and we got to go tell Maci and Banner, just so they can be prepared. I know he’ll be back.” I lift my finger for Piper to bring me the bill so we can leave.

  *

  We pull up to Maci’s house and climb out of the truck. The smell of smoke hits me immediately, and I look over the hood at Ben.

  “You smell that?” I ask.

  “Yeah, smells like something’s on fire.” I look around, trying to find out where it’s coming from, and when I look back toward the house, I see it.

  “Fucking hell, Ben. Call the fire department!” I yell back at him as I take off running toward the house. I try the knob, but it’s locked, so I rare back and kick it in. Smoke rolls out in waves, and I lift my shirt to cover my nose.

  “Maci!” I call out.

  “Cash!” she yells, but I can’t see anything. It’s too smoky, and my eyes start to burn.

  “Maci, where are you?”

  “I’m in the back bedroom. I can’t get out. The fire is blocking the door!”

  I hear a gunshot, and I know it came from the backyard. Looking down the hallway, I see the door is wide open and flames crawl up the wall right in front of Maci’s door. Another gunshot goes off, and I start to panic.

  “Shit, Ben. Maci, you’re going to have to break the window! I’m coming around. You’ll have to jump out!” I hear the fire trucks coming down the road as I run out of the house. I look for Ben but don’t see him anywhere. “Ben!” I yell. I run to the back of the house and hear a loud crash as something goes through the window along with heavy smoke.

  “Cash!” Maci coughs.

  “Come on. You’ve got to jump. I’ll catch you.”

  “I can’t. I’m scared.”

  “Maci, you either jump or you’re going to die. You don’t have a choice,” I say, holding out my arms. “Come on. I’ve got you!” I need her to hurry. I’ve got to go find Ben. She looks back into the house before looking down at me. “Maci, come on!” I yell.

  She grips onto the side of the window just as I hear the fire department pull up. A few men run around the house as she steps onto the windowsill.

  “Step back, chief. We’ve got her,” one of them says to me. I nod, stepping back.

  “Maci, they have you. I’ve got to find Ben.” I run toward the woods, but look back to make sure she got out. The men catch her as leaps out of the window.

  “Ben!” I look all around, seeing nothing but trees. My eyes search everywhere before landing on something. It’s two somethings. I run over and see Ben and Lucas lying on the ground. Ben groans, holding his side.

  “Ben,” I say, leaning down. “Have you been shot?” I look at his side, noticing blood. I lift my radio and call for an ambulance. I know the firemen have medical equipment, too, so I whistle and yell their way. “Ben, keep pressure on it. They’re coming.” I stand up and look over at Lucas. He lies flat on his stomach. I walk over and put my finger against his neck. He has no pulse, so I lift his shoulder.

  “He’s dead, chief,” Ben says painfully. “I saw him running out toward the woods. I chased him and tackled him from behind. The son of a bitch had a gun, and he shot me when we rolled over. I was able to pull mine out just before he went to pull the trigger again. I shot him in the stomach.”

  The firemen run over to us with their medical equipment as I drop Lucas’ shoulder.

  “See to Ben,” I tell them.

  *

  After I talk to the fire department about how they think Lucas started the fire, I tell Ben I’ll check in on him later as the medics shut the ambulance’s doors and drive him away to the hospital. I turn back just as the mortuary service zips up the body bag that holds Lucas. They load him up, and I walk over to Maci who is sitting on the porch steps.

  “You should have gone and gotten checked,” I tell her.

  “I’m fine, Cash,” she says. I sit down beside her and take my hat off.

  “How’s Ben?”

  “They say he is going to be okay, looks like it just grazed him good.” I run a hand over my beard and look down. “What the hell happened?” I ask as I look over at her.

  “I saw him a few weeks ago.”

  “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  She shrugs. “I don’t know. I was shocked and scared. I thought maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. It was only the back of his head, but I knew it was Lucas. I just knew it. I’ve been going crazy ever since. I was going to talk to you at Ellie’s birthday party, but all that happened. It’s been more than five years since I’ve seen him. Why would he come back?”

  “He was a fucking psychopath.”

  “I don’t understand it. I don’t know how he changed so much.” She wipes a tear from her face, leaving a trail of smut from her hand. “He made me lose my baby, Cash. We were arguing one night after he came home from Banner’s shit-faced. I packed my things to go stay with my mom just until he sobered up.” She rubs her nose and looks down. “I was walking down the steps here, and all of a sudden I was shoved from behind. I fell down face-first. It
knocked the breath out of me, and I woke up the next morning in our bed. There was blood, and the doctor confirmed what I already knew. My baby was gone.”

  “Why didn’t you press charges against him?”

  She sighs and picks at a loose piece of wood on the step. “You know people say they would have done this or that,” she says, looking out at the yard. “But that’s so easy to do until you’re the one living the nightmare. I loved him.” Her shoulders shrug like it’s the only answer there is, like it’s enough. Love can make you do things you never would, and it can make you put up with things you shouldn’t. “He promised he would change, Cash. He told me he didn’t mean to push me. That he tripped over his own foot and fell himself, and that’s why I fell,” she scoffs and shakes her head.

  “So he lied about it.”

  “Yeah, he lied and lied again. Things only got worse after that. He didn’t change. I think the guilt he felt from making me lose our baby overtook him.” She breaks the small splinter away from the porch step and tosses it. “He started drinking a lot more. I could deal with him sober. He didn’t push me around, but drunk Lucas was a whole other person.”

  “The fire department says the fire was started from gas and a tossed cigarette. Did he smoke before?”

  “He must have started like I did a while back.” She shrugs. “I quit so I didn’t have any in the house.” Maci runs a finger across her lips, and a wrinkle forms between her brows. “I knew I felt someone watching me. I was asleep, but even still I had a feeling. I thought it might have been Banner, but he left earlier to go meet an inspector at the bar. I woke up because my nose was burning from the smoke.”

  “I’m just glad we came when we did.”