I think back to when I was sitting in the chair while the needle made my sparrows and all the things I wanted to accomplish—now I have it. My fucking empire is huge, I have everything I’ve ever wanted, but now I’m a fucking loser on the inside. Too messed up to go find my beautiful girl, did too much shit to ever be what she needs. Just like my fucking father. Four years of being away, and the reason I left may not ever be fixed.
A loud banging at the door has me shoving both bitches off me, giving two fucks if I wake them up. Last night was mad with Krystal and whoever this nameless bitch is. Krystal doesn’t care what I do to her or who I bring into bed with us—she knows that I love someone else and I’m only using her to fill a void, a need. She knew that on the very first night. Just a bitch that couldn’t care less as long as she can hang on my arm during red carpet events, get her picture in magazines, and shop at nice places with my money. She makes me forget, dulls the ache, even if it’s just when we fuck, but she knows what’s up. I don’t do sleepovers with the others. Krystal can bet her new upgraded fake tits that this shit won’t happen again.
I walk into the living room and open the door to a very tired, very pissed off Laura. Ever since I beat Hernandez over two years ago, things got fucking crazy. I was such an underdog in that fight that no one saw it coming when he went down. My payout for that fight was sick, the endorsements came rolling in, and I couldn’t organize everything on my own any more. My agent, Bobby, Kenny, and Lance were up to their eyeballs in shit, too, and an assistant had to be hired. Laura came in and I was sold. I needed someone to babysit me, and she didn’t bat one eyelash at me like the others I’d interviewed did. It helped that she wasn’t into me—well, hell, she isn’t into any guys. Laura likes tits, probably even more than I do. She kicks my ass whenever I need it…and I need that a lot.
“Well, seems like you had fun last night and got to sleep in. That would have been great for me, too, but unfortunately, I didn’t get that luxury because you don’t answer your phone. I have been calling you for the last two hours and banging on your damn door for twenty minutes. What have you been doing? Some lawyer from Ohio has called about thirty times and wouldn’t tell me why. The only thing he did say was that it is very urgent.” Why would a lawyer from Ohio contact me unless something was wrong with… Before I could even finish the thought, I grab the phone from her hand and take it off hold.
“This is Collins.”
“Reed?”
I nod my head like he can see me, too nervous at what he may tell me. When he doesn’t acknowledge me, I go for the words. “Yes.”
“My name is Andrew Thompson. I was the lawyer for your father, Doug. I hate to inform this to you over the phone…but your father passed away two days ago. I have been looking for you since then, but it seems the number we had on file was disconnected. Thank goodness I found your assistant’s number through some websites. You are the only family member he had and Doug left some things for you. His girlfriend is handling all the arrangements and the funeral, which is in two days in Columbus. I know he would have liked you to see what he did with his life after you left. We can go over some things then, if that works for you? If not, I can courier the things to wherever you are.”
My face drops and I collapse on the couch behind me. “Dead? Drug overdose?” I haven’t talked to my father since the week before I left for Vegas. He was high or drunk—or, hell, probably both knowing him—asking for money that I didn’t have. I left and vowed never to see him again till he was sober.
“Yes, he died Thursday night but not of a drug overdose. It was a heart attack.”
Before I could think, the words are out of my mouth. “I will be in Columbus tonight.” I hang up and stare at the wall.
Laura takes one look at me and goes straight into her managing mode. “I am calling Daily to see if he will lend us the jet.”
My heart aches. I need my Hadley so fucking much.
My thoughts are interrupted by the girls in the other room once they start laughing. Laura just rolls her eyes and says, “I will get the trash out and pack for you while I’m at it. Now go take a shower, Riker.”
I don’t move, just keep staring at the damn plain white wall.
“Now, Reed!” That snaps my attention—no one calls me Reed anymore.
I walk to the shower in the other bedroom, not wanting to deal with questions that I left in the other room.
Three hours later, I’m in the air, going home for the first time in four years.
I’m standing over my father’s grave, looking down into the ground. Dirt, hole, and a fucking box—that is what I’m left with. Nothing else. He was sober. Hell, he was even a sponsor. Clean for three years. I didn’t know and didn’t even give a damn to see how he was. I’d been too busy to even fucking check on him. I hold on to the letter and a single key my father’s attorney had handed me just before the service, and God knows what it says. I should open it, but I don’t think I want to read anything. Right here, seeing dirt being thrown on my father’s body, I know only one thing; I’m a fucking selfish bastard. I will do anything to get back what I forced away, what I ran away from.
I need my old life.
I need someone to tell me I can find myself again.
I need the one person who would have never walked away.
The door creaks as I open it, and I can’t believe what I see. I run through all the rooms. Fucking abandoned—not a single thing left of the life we had, the life we fucking shared. I open every single door, but there’s not a damn thing here to say where she went. I step into our old bedroom and slide down the wall. That’s when I see it, something so small behind the door, hidden. Fucking yellow Milk Dud box. Stupid damn candy. Hadley was fucking crazy about these things and whenever I would stop somewhere, I would buy her a box and hide them all over our place. She would find them and her face would light up like I gave her a ten-carat ring. What are the odds that four fucking years later, it’s in the same damn spot I put the last one?
A Fucking sign.
With shaky fingers, I open the letter.
Reed,
First, I want to tell you how sorry I am for being the father I was to you. Instead of accepting that your mom leaving was our problem, and our problem alone, I found blame in you. Not one single thing was your fault. Your mom always had dreams when we were dating, all these things she wanted to accomplish, and I held her back instead of pushing her to do them together. I was too selfish, afraid I would lose her, so I held her back. I did it, not you. It took me twenty years, becoming sober, and meeting Diane to understand that. I checked out when you needed me the most and I can never tell you how sorry I am for that. No matter what, I should have been there by your side. That’s what a parent does and I failed you.
Without any help from your mom and me, you turned out to be a good man. I am very proud of you, son.
Two years back—give or take—that beautiful girl you are in love with came by. Hadley said you left her so you wouldn’t hold each other back. I knew from the minute she told me that, you were letting your mother and my mistake ruin your life. She put all your stuff in a storage unit and moved, but she wouldn’t tell me where. She looked so lost I didn’t have the heart to even ask. Hadley sat in my living room as I told her how you grew up and after I got was done, she asked for a piece of paper and cried while she put words down for you. And then made me promise to give it to you if you came to see me.
A few months later I got a phone call from her. I could tell she was crying, told me to rip up the letter, to never give it to you. She said that things changed, you were never coming back, and it was over.
Hadley made me make another promise that I would never give her letter to you.
I was never a father, and I have no right to be a dad right now to you, and no right to offer any advice to you, but I am. And please, son, just think about what I’m telling you. In life, you fight for what’s worth it. I didn’t. I let your mother walk away and let you grow up with
out a dad. That’s my mistake, a mistake I will never get a chance to make right. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Every time I see you fight, something is missing in your eyes. It used to be there when she was around. Hadley is worth it. You guys won’t end like your mother and I did because the love you have for her is pure. When you are old, the cage, money, success, all that stuff won’t keep you warm, but she will. The love you guys have is worth more than any championships you will ever win. Don’t lose her or you will have to live with that loss for the rest of your life. And that isn’t easy.
I love you son,
Dad
P.S. please don’t tell her I broke that promise. She seems to take promises seriously.
I look inside the envelope, and pull out another small envelope with Hadley’s handwriting on it.
Baby,
I am so sorry, Reed, but I have to leave here. It is killing me to stay here with all the memories of us. I’m turning into someone I’m not proud of. The only thing I could think of to help me is to leave. If you aren’t ready to come back to me yet, our place is yours till you are.
I love you madly! Two sparrows always and forever baby.
112 Pine Way Drive Atlantic Station GA 30319
I will always be waiting for you to come back to me, to us.
I pinky promise!!!!
Yours,
Hads
Hadley never gave up on me. I was the one who did it to both of us.
Folding the letter, I place it in my back pocket. This is my mega wake-up call I need, a huge fucking sign flashing bright red pointing at what needs to be done to get my life back on track. To be the person I was always meant to be, to be with the fucking girl I was always meant to be with.
I race straight to the airport, calling Lance and Laura with my plan.
I’d walked away from her to become a better person. It took me four shitty years to understand it was my own stupid dream that kept me from seeing what was right in front of me. I lost myself. I wanted to be a better person, but turned into an arrogant ass that I don’t like. I’m fucking miles away from what needs to be done, but I’ll fucking break down all these walls that stand in front of me.
Hads is my better, my fucking best.
Chapter 8
Hadley
It’s been three years since I’ve turned on any sports channel or walked into a bar to watch Reed fight. It’s the only promise I’ve ever broken, and I hate that it was to him. But like the promise he’s broken to me, it just had to be done—for my own sanity, for my own good. I couldn’t hold on to what we had anymore. Reed was gone, far away from me and never coming back. I wish I could just pretend he was off being miserable and alone without me but I can’t, the proof is all over the checkout lines anytime I buy anything, anytime I opened up the Internet, pictures splashed of him everywhere. Girls wearing ‘Got Riked?’ shirts in the mall, making it a damn stupid verb. Proving Reed has done a few things since he left me. Fight, train, build the empire he wanted, and fuck anything with boobs, and in that exact order. That damn hooker is the hardest one to see his arms around because she seems to be the only one that he ever goes back to.
Seven months ago, I got a phone call that shattered my world as I knew it. It made what I went through with Reed seem like a cakewalk. Some things you just don’t see coming, things that change the course of your future with just a couple words, maybe one simple sentence. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, the person you were just a single moment before will never be again.
It’s happened three times to me: losing Reed, losing my baby, and now my mother.
My mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. By the time her doctors caught it, the cancer had already spread to her lymph nodes, bones, and her brain. I remember everything about the day my father called and told me like it was yesterday, down to the clothes I was wearing. I sat on the floor in my bedroom alone and cried for hours until Matt came and held me, crying with me. They gave her little hope for surviving, but like always, mom put up one hell of a good fight. She started an intense round of chemo and radiation immediately and I watched her cry while her hair fell out, held her hand while Sarah shaved her head, stood next to her and helped her pick out her wig. I washed her when she was too weak to clean herself and sat by her when the doctor said that nothing is working. I watched my vibrant, full-of-life mother slowly lose the spark that made her, her.
Three weeks ago, after getting sick from yet another round of chemo, my mother decided to stop it all, the treatments, the medicine—all of it. She wants to live the remainder of her life no matter how short it will be without the pain they cause. The rest of us have no choice but to understand, accept fate, and wait for her to leave us all. Seeing someone that was always so strong going through so much is beyond anything I can put into words.
My legs push me to move forward, to know the burn is doing its job. The bass of the music in my ears drowns out my heartbeat, and makes me push harder, faster. Running is something I started with Reed, only then it had been to support him, but now, running is one of the few things that helps clear my head. For that hour I run, I can feel the weight I’m holding inside get a little lighter, even if it’s just for a bit.
Six miles later, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily, the chime of a text goes through my ear-buds.
Matt: We are going out tonight, already texted everyone else so you are coming, no excuses. Pick you up at 9:00
A smile plays on my lips. Life gets in the way and the closeness we once had isn’t there anymore. While texting Matt, I spot a BMW M5 in my driveway, and just like that, the calmness and excitement for tonight is gone, replaced by anxiety and pressure.
I’d tried to push Bennett away, and for the first three months, it worked. I was good at finding any excuse to turn him down, but slowly, his persistence worked and he broke down some of my boundaries. Both of us have had our hearts crushed before and in the beginning, I loved that we never asked each other anything about it; we didn’t need to. Shortly after our first real date, we become exclusive, and over time, we opened up about things in our past—not all, but enough to understand that we were both messed up. I found something in Bennett; a kindred spirit, my knight.
The first six months we dated had been astonishing. He did anything to make me happy, to see me smile. Flowers covered every surface of my house, he surprised me with catered lunches at work, and he’d given me jewelry just because he saw it and thought of me. During that time, I thought we had something—the “something more” I’d had with Reed. He charmed his way into my life and maybe even into a small piece of my heart. He’d said all the right things, did all the things to sweep me off my feet, but they were only words, the actions were there, just not real ones. Bennett was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was young, too broken, too naïve, and I thought he was the answer, my saving grace from hurting anymore.
God, if I only knew then what I know now.
Then, poof…the Bennett that I’d slowly fallen for was gone, no more sweet gestures, no more loving surprises. The more I found out about Bennett, the more toxic we became for each other. He’d become mad about everything; me talking to other guys, even if it was just at work. But still, I took it as a complement because Reed never got mad at any of that, so when Bennett got pissed, I thought it meant he liked me that much more than Reed had. But soon, the fights became more intense. Who looked at me, who I looked at, who called, Courtney, my family—anything and everything would start a massive blowup. I would get mad at first, but five minutes later, he had me questioning why I’d even been angry with him in the first place. And then, every time my mind had wandered to Reed or my baby and we fought, it helped me forget. So, instead of trying to stop them, I egged them on. I needed the fights like air to breathe.
I lived for the yelling, things being thrown, the pushes, shoves, the tight holds, because it did something deep down inside me. It helped bring me away from the numbness, a high all in itself. Bennett had me twi
sted, and yearning for him in some sick demented way. I justified all of it to myself because he never actually hit me, no punches thrown, no smacks across my face, but even if he had done those things, I still don’t think I would have left. I liked the pain he gave me—craved it. By the time I realized it wasn’t helping, I was already sinking. Now, I am losing everything I knew about myself because I can’t seem to find my way to crawl back from the hole I dug.
But for the first time since this madness started, I feel myself wanting to find a way out.
I slowly open my door to find Bennett sitting on my large brown leather sectional like he owns this place, watching my huge flat-screen that the boys had insisted I buy so they could watch football during my turn for Sunday dinners. I throw my phone and ear-buds on the table by my door, walk over, and give him a kiss, because that is what he likes me to do.
He takes his eyes away from the TV and looks at me with only desire in his eyes. I do have to give us some credit—we have some heart pounding chemistry that leads to some tremendous sex. Bennett stands up and jerks me into him. He starts to take off the sports bra that I used as my top and kisses me, laying his claim on me.
“I am not sure I like you wearing this top when you go running…other people can see you, and you fucking belong to me.” He grabs my breast, hard. “These are mine, too—we agreed.” Bennett basically rips off my tight pants and cups his hand between my legs. “This is fucking mine, too.” I am too aroused to tell him any differently. Bennett has been more and more possessive lately, more physical, tougher, and I know the moment will come he will explode on me. It’s only a matter of time.
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