The Forever List

by Lena Fox

  He paused for a long moment. “I wasn’t going to leave her, not really, but that realization, that she didn’t care if I stayed or left, it hurt me, and my pride made me walk away. I left her that night, and I never saw her again.”

  The night she overdosed. And the world woke up the next day to find their pop princess dead, and the saddest part was no one was really surprised. “It’s not on you. Everyone knew what was going on; it wasn’t your responsibility. She made her choices.”

  “If I’d just stayed with her, I could have been there for her, stopped things going too far. I could have saved her.”

  “You can’t know that. And you can’t save everyone. Sometimes, terrible things just happen.”

  Blake nodded, then reached up, and wiped his eye. “I didn’t want to be that guy. A widower, at twenty? I shut it all away: the fame, the music, singing, songwriting, dancing, her … I ran so far from it all. For years. The only reminders have been the bloody royalty checks coming in like clockwork from the songs we wrote together. At least I’ve been able to get by on those while making a new life and haven’t had to take too many roofing jobs.”

  He turned to look at me. “But it wasn’t much of a life until you came along. Hiding from everything, I’d missed out on so much. I’d forgotten just how much I loved music, loved dancing and singing. You and your crazy lists—you’ve helped me rediscover that.”

  I breathed out slowly, the weight of emotions pressing the air from my lungs. I tried to be breezy. “What do you think you’ll do next? Go for a career in economics, or get back to songwriting?”

  “I’m not sure. I like both in different ways. Maybe I should just run away to join the circus. I once wanted to be a world-class juggler.”

  “You can juggle?”

  “Not at all. Doesn’t stop me from wanting it though. We don’t always want things that make sense.” Blake cleared his throat. “What did you want to be when you grew up?”

  The rain had eased a little. I clicked the wipers down to a slower setting. “When I was young I wanted to be a chef like Dad, but I haven’t got the attention span required. I always put things in the oven then forget they’re there.”

  “I hope you have a quality smoke alarm,” Blake said.

  I laughed. “I should have wanted to be a ballerina or something, at least it doesn’t come with the risk of burning the house down.”

  “I could have been a ballerina,” he said with mock sadness. “But I only have nine toes and these bad ankles.”

  I punched him in the shoulder. “You’re goofy as hell.”

  “Anything to see that smile. But really, what do you want to do now?”

  You wasn’t the answer I should give, so I thought about it seriously. If I got the all-clear … if I had a life ahead of me …

  “I wanted to be an artist for a very long time. After my treatment, I felt like I didn’t have time for silly, frivolous dreams like becoming a professional painter. I struggled just to catch back up with normal schoolwork.” I kept my eyes on the gray road laying straight out in front of me, watching it disappear beneath the car as we sped over it. “Now, I guess I would like to be an illustrator. I had this idea once: I wanted to write and illustrate a kids’ book about a bald lion, to help kids deal with cancer.”

  “That sounds beautiful.” He caught my fingers in one hand and kissed them. The touch of his lips sent a thrill racing down my spine.

  I shivered, drew away, and tried to cover it by reaching for the bottle of water in the cupholder. “Or I could become a riverboat gambler.”

  “That’s a good profession too. You just have to be a fast swimmer, if you’re going to win a lot.”

  Would I ever know anyone else like him? Someone I could laugh with like this, talk about painful pasts with, and joke about our uncertain futures?

  I grinned slyly back at him. “I’m already good with disguises. I have some experience with wigs, you know.”

  “I can see it now. You’d be the mysterious woman who shows up with cards in one hand, boobs busting out of a low-cut dress, and a cigar in your mouth. Take all the boys’ money before vanishing into the crowd, suddenly a redhead with dark glasses.”

  “And I could become a spy if that didn’t pan out.”

  “Do both. Make good use of your wig skills.”

  I’d never joked about the wigs like this before. It was a freedom I hadn’t experienced and I felt myself opening up. “There was this guy in school—you know the kind—real jerk. He grabbed my wig one day and yanked it right off my head. He tossed it to his buddy and they started doing this whole ‘keep away’ thing right in the middle of the lunchroom.”

  I stopped. I’d thought I could share that like some funny anecdote, but my face and neck glowed with the shame that should have faded. I could feel it all over again, the baldness of my head, the shock, the pity, the laughter, and the whispers and the stares directed at me.

  Blake said, “Some people are born assholes. Whatever happened to him?”

  “He still lives with his mom. Unemployed, last I heard. He’s bald now, too,” I blurted out.

  “Really?”

  “As a cue ball.”

  “Karma works wonders sometimes.”

  Chapter Eleven

  GEORGINA

  As we rolled along the highway, the rain slowed then halted and the sun began to crawl out from behind the clouds, sending lemony-yellow light streaming into the car. Thank you, Mom. It suddenly felt just like beach weather.

  We drove down through hills and I got my first view of the ocean, stretching off into forever. The air was instantly fresher, cleaner, and salty. We drove over a long bridge across a bay. The water stretched as far as I could see, high blue waves crested with foaming white caps. Seagulls pinwheeled overhead, and graceful cranes swooped toward the water, diving for fish.

  Blake directed me from there until we reached an almost empty parking lot. Priya and Kaley’s car was already there. The rain must have kept other people away, leaving the beach to us. I stepped out of the car, then ran for the water, kicking my sandals off along the way to feel the sand between my toes. The sand tickled. It had been warmed by the sun, and then it was cool and wet where it had been washed by gentle waves.

  The shore was a sickle-shaped crescent, a small strip hugged by rocky cliffs either side and a long, thin wooden jetty reached out into the vast blue-green waters. Salty spray shot up in the air beside it. Dolphins danced across the waves in the distance.

  Tears prickled my eyes at the beauty of it all. That all this magnificence could exist—that I was here to experience it … it was miraculous. And also so crushingly sad that I’d only be here so briefly, knowing such wonder. I smiled and laughed in the face of the terrifying splendor all around me.

  My grin grew larger when I spotted Kaley and Priya, already in their swimsuits and sunbathing on a picnic rug not far away. I jogged over to join them.

  Blake arrived with the cooler, and we stripped down to our bathers and soaked up the light. The sun warmed our shoulders and our faces as we laid out the picnic.

  “Hey bitches, wha-what!” a woman yelled. A couple walked over the dune toward us, each person carrying two six-packs of beer.

  The man hollered, “Buddy!”

  Blake replied, “Buddy!”

  I tried to pick where I’d seen them before. “Is that …?”

  Blake nodded. “Veronica and Buddy.”

  “It’s Vicki and James, jackass.” Vicki dumped the beer on the picnic rug and stretched, bending her back like a model in her super-tiny bikini. “This guy—serious case of mistaken identity syndrome.” Seeing her again, I could almost see how Blake had once confused us, at least from behind. She had hair like mine had been, and was a similar curvy shape. She held herself with a confidence I envied though.

  James slapped Blake on the shoulder and sat beside him, cracking open a beer. “Dude, that night—can’t blame him for not remembering our names. I barely remembered our names.”


  Blake laughed. “Glad you could make it.”

  “Glad I don’t still have that monstrous hangover.” Vicki sat down right on James’s lap and draped an arm over his shoulder. Their hookup from that night at Blake’s had clearly become an ongoing thing. James’s face lit up as he looked at his girl, and I smiled. That was what love looked like.

  My heart swelled. The sun shone down on us as we shared food and drinks and laughs.

  I could have stayed like that all day until Blake leaned over to me, and whispered, “This doesn’t count as a trip to the ocean until you’ve actually been in the ocean. Let’s go.”

  We walked out over the grayed and weathered planks of the jetty, the water making hushed splashes and gurgles beneath us as the color of the ocean darkened, the sandy floor disappearing out of sight under the swell of aquamarine. The sun had grown richer in color, turning orange as it lowered in the sky, and I looked back to see the others gathering driftwood. Vicki was chasing James around with a huge mess of seaweed, and I giggled. I was starting to like that girl.

  Blake followed my gaze and laughed too. “I’m glad they came. I haven’t made a lot of friends since moving from England. That night we met—after the mix-up and before the extreme intoxication—the three of us had a good time together.”

  “They’re fun. I like them too.”

  I stopped and stared down at the water. It looked so deep, bottomless. I had planned to run all the way along the jetty and jump from the end, but had lost my nerve.

  Blake waited patiently with me. He put his hands in his boardshorts pockets and said, “We talked a lot in the car, but we didn’t talk about last night.”

  I folded my arms over my bare middle, feeling exposed. “Do we need to?”

  “I’m just feeling very uncertain right now about where we stand—what is okay or isn’t okay with us.”

  I closed my eyes for a moment, turning to the sun and letting it shine bright red through my eyelids, and sighed. “These last couple of days have been so amazing, just a whirlwind of fun, and I can’t even catch up on where I am or what I’m feeling other than happy. Can we just leave it there? Can I just be happy right now without worrying what we mean to each other, or what is going to happen next?”

  Blake nodded slowly, then smirked. “You might have to worry a bit about what’s next still, because I have your list and you don’t.”

  I gasped in outrage, then laughed.

  Before I could retaliate in any way, Blake jumped straight off the jetty, splashing down into the sea. His head came back up and he swam around, grinning at me like a lunatic. “Come on in. The water is awesome.”

  “You’re going to get eaten by a shark!” I looked around, sure I would spot one of those dastardly fins lurking right nearby.

  Blake laughed from deep in his chest.

  “Or stung by a stingray. Or poisoned by a jellyfish. The ocean is full of terrifying, terrible terrors, you know that, right?”

  “You’re thinking about Australia.” Blake chuckled, and then frowned, his eyes growing wide. “Bloody hell. I think something just bumped my leg.”

  He swam fast for the edge of the jetty and I ran to him, heart pounding. He reached up his hand for help and I took it, knowing only as his grin widened that I’d been a fool.

  With a quick tug, he flipped me off my feet. The water closed over my head. Darkness descended, and salt filled my nose and mouth. I broke the surface to see him laughing at me.

  “You … you …” I sputtered and he swam over, wrapped himself around me, and took us both under again.

  I kept my eyes open. His were open too, and at first all I looked at was him, then I saw a school of fish swim past, and the waving strands of kelp. I kicked to the surface and the sun touched my face, and I inhaled sweet fresh air all over again.

  “It’s beautiful,” I admitted.

  “And warm,” Blake added.

  “And still terrifying.”

  “That’s okay, because you’re the bravest person I know.”

  We rocked on an endless tide, the water lifting us and setting us back down. I wasn’t prepared for just how salty the water would be, how I floated and bobbed in the current. It was so different to swimming in the lake.

  Up and down in the water we went. Once I swam down as far as I could and stayed there until my lungs were ready to burst, staring at the pretty pictures the sun made on the water over my head. The sparkles and colors made me feel alive, and inspired. I wanted to paint those shapes and hues, capture that beauty.

  Blake swam around me, keeping his distance while always being nearby. He watched as I explored the water, floating on my back or diving under waves, laughing when I played in the shallows and helping me back up when I got dunked for the first time. The fading light sparkled in the droplets falling from his hair to his shoulders, in the water clinging to his eyelashes. I’d never seen anything more beautiful.

  Soon it grew cold, and I joined Kaley and Priya at the fire they’d built. I wrapped a towel around me and stared into the glowing coals on the sand. Blake stayed back on the jetty with James, each trying to one-up the other with crazy jumps into the water. Vicki cheered and jeered, announcing the results with some made-up and probably biased scoring system. Dusk collected in the corners of the sky and bled into the center. Dark purple shadows clung to the surrounding cliffs, looming over our sheltered camp.

  Kaley and Priya had been talking together most of the day, maybe even arguing, from what I saw once or twice. They seemed happy enough now, with Priya nursing a beer, and Kaley trying to cook a peanut-butter ball on a stick like a marshmallow.

  “That will melt,” I told her.

  “If I just do it slowly though, maybe I can toast the outside—”

  It slipped off the stick and sizzled in the fire.

  “That was your third try; it’s not going to work. Let it go.” Priya laughed.

  “I won’t let it go. Some things you just have to do,” Kaley said, very pointedly.

  It started off a staring match that I didn’t understand the cause of.

  I shut my mouth and waited for the tension between the two of them to clear again.

  Priya sighed. “Fine, I’ll ask her.”

  I was at a loss. “Ask me?”

  “You know how you’ve been going through some things lately?” Priya shot a glare at Kaley. “Well, we have too. And we kinda need somewhere to stay. Do you think we could lay low at your place for a bit longer?”

  “Oh. I guess? I mean, yeah. Of course.” What were they going through? Did they have nowhere else to stay? Why didn’t they? There was so much about them I didn’t know.

  “We don’t want to impose. We know you’re not in the best place right now either,” Kaley said.

  “Oh fine,” Priya snapped. “Make me ask her then you be the one coming out with my reasons why we shouldn’t.”

  “It’s really okay.” I put my hands up. “Maybe it’s best for us stuff-going-on people to stick together, yeah?”

  Kaley sniffled and glomped onto me. “Thank you.”

  “No problem. Do you need to talk about it?”

  Kaley pouted. “It’s going to sound crazy.”

  “That’s because it is. She is.” Priya peeled the label off her beer bottle, scrunched it up and tossed it into the fire.

  “Who?” I asked.

  “Our nanna, who we’ve lived with since our parents died.”

  “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

  Kaley shrugged, and mumbled. “Death is kind of a thing for our family. Nanna says we’re cursed.”

  “We’re not cursed.” Priya’s voice came out through gritted teeth. “Nanna is our curse. She’s crazy and abusive. That’s why we can’t stay there.”

  “She’s just traditional, that’s all.”

  “She told you your cancer scare was your own fault!” Priya yelled.

  A heavy silence followed.

  How could someone in their family be so cruel as to ev
en suggest that? I knew I still didn’t have the full story, but I’d heard enough.

  “You’re definitely staying with me. As long as you need.”

  Priya mouthed a thank you, then shuffled over beside her sister. “I’m sorry. But we can’t keep making excuses for her.”

  “I know.”

  James and Vicki returned then, with her riding on his shoulders, and Blake following behind. The tone shifted back to beachside party, and the twins seemed more comfortable than before, laughing more freely.

  Soon, we’d finished every last scrap of the food I’d brought, emptied the last beer, and Vicki and James coupled off and disappeared from whence they came.

  Priya and Kaley excused themselves as well, saying they had some stuff to organize, and I nodded knowingly to them.

  That left Blake and me alone. Just the thing I’d tried to avoid.

  Chapter Twelve

  GEORGINA

  We started packing up, covering the dying fire with sand. The sun was down, but there was still enough light left in the ocean-colored sky to see by.

  Blake lifted and shook out the picnic blanket, and sand sprayed all over me.

  “Watch it,” I said, picking up a handful of sand and tossing it back at him.

  “Don’t start something you don’t want to finish,” he challenged.

  I scooped a great ball of sand and flung it at his chest.

  “That’s it.” He sprinted for me, and I squeaked, dashing away. On my short little legs, I had no chance. Blake barreled down on me, spreading the blanket like a net. He wrapped me up in it with him, and we both tumbled down into the gully between two dunes.

  We were pressed together between the blanket, our bodies hot, sticky, and gritty. I spat sand from my mouth.

  “This is very uncomfortable,” I said.

  Blake’s voice was a grumble. “Well, if you’re going to have sex on the beach you need all the stuff that goes with it—sand in your ass crack, sand burn on your knees, sunburn on your back, waves almost drowning you, seaweed in your hair, the potential of strangers stumbling over you. Sex on the beach should be a ridiculously uncomfortable experience, or you’re not doing it right.”