by Kim Lawrence
His own childhood had been less than perfect. What did he know about raising a child?
Frustrated, he left work for home. He knew he’d get there before Sara, but he wanted to be there as soon as she arrived. They had to talk.
Sara drew on all her professionalism to make it through the day without screaming at the people around her. She was disappointed at Matt’s reaction to her startling news. It was not something she hadn’t expected, but secretly she had hoped that he would have been a bit more happy about the news. Nothing had been decided last night.
And the specter of his leaving wouldn’t fade.
Her assistant came in toward the end of the day. She shut the door and pulled out a chair near the desk.
“Okay, boss, give. What’s wrong?” Stacy asked.
“Nothing.” Sara looked at her for a moment, wondering where her acting had failed.
“You’ve asked me twice for folders that are already on your desk. That’s never happened before. You are totally out of it and yet you have not sent the Reams account over to Mr. Pepovich for his final approval.”
“You were right, Stacy. I’m pregnant.” Sara threw out the words as if flinging down a gauntlet.
“Wow.” Stacy sat back in the chair and stared at Sara.
“Won’t this put a crimp in Pepovich’s plans?” Quickly she did the math. “But not for a while. Are you planning to tell him soon?”
Sara shook her head. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do about anything. Especially Matt.
“How are you with this?” Stacy asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Happy, annoyed, blaming that hunk you’re married to, or what?”
“Happy of course,” she said dutifully.
“And is he?”
“He was caught by surprise.”
“You, too, I bet. Does this mean he’ll stick closer to home now?”
“I don’t know. He only got in from Stockholm last night. We didn’t have a lot of time to talk.” Sara knew she’d deliberately cut off any chance of a conversation, too afraid of what Matt’s comments would be. But sooner or later, they’d have to discuss the situation.
“Are you feeling okay? No problems, right?” Stacy said.
“No, why should there be?”
“Well, no offense boss, but you’re not exactly a teenybopper anymore.”
“I’m not that old, either,” Sara said, miffed her young secretary thought she was too old to be having a baby. Obviously that was not the case. Would her friends feel the same way? Amber had been surprised to find her mother pregnant at this age. How would Allie and Marian view this, she wondered, thinking of two of her closest friends.
None of it mattered. Matt was the only one she had to worry about.
Matt was already home when Sara arrived. She stepped inside the apartment and in only seconds was swept into his arms.
“I’ve missed you. Today was endless,” he said before he kissed her.
She dropped her things to encircle his neck, giving back as much as he gave. Time stopped. Worries ceased. She could only feel the exquisite delight of being with this one man, of losing herself in his touch and soaring above the mundane world to heights only he could lead her to.
When the kiss ended, he lifted her in his arms to carry her to the bedroom.
“Dinner?” she asked breathlessly, almost giddy with joy.
“Later,” he said, closing the bedroom door behind him with a quick kick. He set her beside the bed and kissed her again.
“Matt, are you all right with things?” she asked anxiously.
“I’m wide-awake, have had enough sleep and a little while to absorb the news. I’m okay with it. We can talk later, but first, I want to touch you, taste you and make love with you!” he said, kissing her as his clever fingers made short work of the buttons holding her blouse in place.
The next morning both were rushed as they got ready for work. Promising each other to be home early, they said goodbye when Matt dropped Sara at her office. They still had to discuss things, but this evening was time enough.
For dinner, Matt brought home several cartons of Chinese food. He knew what Sara liked and didn’t want her distracted by cooking and cleaning. They’d eat, rinse the dishes and talk.
She arrived home only moments behind him, a good sign both had arrived early, he thought.
“Oh, Chinese, you’re wonderful. I’m starved. Let me change fast and I’ll be right out,” she said enthusiastically, giving him a warm kiss.
Matt debated following her into the bedroom, and decided not. He did want to give her some perspective on his feelings in the matter and another night of hot love in their bed would not lend itself to discussion. Time enough for that later, he hoped.
She was back in no time, wearing comfortable jeans and a pullover top in a buttery yellow. Barefoot, she walked across the kitchen and peeked at the food just coming from the microwave.
“Smells delicious,” she said as she reached up to get plates. In short order they were seated at the small table and eating.
“How are things going at work?” Matt asked, wondering if he dare bring up her quitting at this stage. His frustration in that regard hadn’t diminished with the news of a coming baby. Surely she’d want to quit sooner.
“Hectic.” Sara glanced at him and smiled, then concentrated on her food. “How about Aste? I bet Tony and Dex are glad you’re back for a while.”
“They manage fine without me, but yeah, I think they’re glad I’m in town for a while. Watching the new rep in Stockholm gave me some ideas where we need to enhance our training and what’s out of date now and can be scrapped.”
“Are you in charge of training?”
“No, but I’ll review the protocols with Tony and Dex and Josh. Josh is the head of training. He doesn’t get into the field enough, I think, to see what’s needed. It’s mostly theory with him. I should take him on the next assignment.”
She was quiet. He wondered if he should have mentioned another assignment. He wanted her to go with him. This time he wasn’t taking no for an answer.
“Dex offered to help us move. He has a pickup truck. And volunteered some brawn from some of the new guys,” Matt said, changing the subject. “Or we can hire professionals—whichever you want.”
She looked at him. “Did you find out if we can still move to that apartment?”
“I called the manager this morning. There are no restrictions against children. It means the guest room will have to be a nursery, however. We wouldn’t have room for Amber and Jimmy when they came to visit.”
He watched her swallow, fiddle with her water glass. It was time.
“Sara, are you sure about this?”
“What do you mean?” Her eyes met his.
“I’m not going to be a good father. I have no experience in fatherhood, or even having a father around. I haven’t been around kids since I was one. I’m not cut out for this.”
She looked stricken. “So what do you want me to do about it?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. You caught me totally unprepared. I haven’t a clue where to go from here.”
She sat perfectly still, her eyes searching his, looking for what?
“Nobody has experience being a parent until they are one,” she said slowly.
“But most people have experiences being a kid of a parent. Uncle Frank raised me. And if he’s the best parent around, the world’s in trouble.”
“You mentioned him before when you told me your parents were dead. Still, he was a relative and took you in. He must have done something right, you’re a terrific man.”
Matt shrugged. He believed anything he’d accomplished had been his own doing, not as a result of Frank’s parenting skills, or lack of them.
“Frank was a bachelor first and foremost. My mother’s parents didn’t want the responsibility of raising a child after her death. My dad’s parents were divorced, his father lived on the East Coast and didn’t step in. His mot
her was remarried to a man—” Matt stopped suddenly. She’d remarried a man who traveled a lot in his line of work, and she didn’t want to stay home with her grandson and miss all the travel.
He’d been resentful as a child. Yet he wanted the same thing for Sara. He wanted her to travel with him and not stay home and watch some baby he hadn’t ever planned for.
“Who didn’t want children?” Sara prompted.
“Something like that. You have to see I wouldn’t be a good role model for any kid.”
“Well this isn’t something we just say, sorry, not for us, and return to the store or something,” she said with some heat. “I’m not exactly dancing for joy at this turn of events. I thought I’d raised my family. But it happened. And I feel sorry for a baby that neither parents particularly wants!” She tossed her napkin down and dashed from the table, running into the bedroom and slamming the door behind her.
Matt heard her crying—but he was unable to move. What a legacy for a child. It wasn’t true. The whole situation just took some getting used to. She was right, there was no sending it back. For the rest of his life, he was going to be a father.
And he would never, ever, not even for one second, let this child think he wasn’t wanted. Matt knew firsthand how hard that was to deal with.
Sara couldn’t stop the tears. He’d all but said she had to do something with the child. But what? She had had longer to get used to the idea of the baby. She could feel the subtle changes in her body, foretelling major changes to come. One day she’d hold her son or daughter in her arms. Rock it, nurse it, love it.
Would the baby’s father be anywhere around? Or would Matt have cut out long before then, convinced he’d make a bad father? Or too caught up in his fast lane life to stop long enough to visit his child?
She heard the phone ring, but didn’t move. Matt was home, he could answer it.
Slowly the tears ceased. She lay exhausted, unable to get up, unable to move. She should go wash her face or something, but lethargy won. She closed her eyes, not falling asleep, just too tired and dispirited to move.
Matt knocked on the door, and the sound tore at her heart. This was his home, his bedroom, he didn’t need to knock.
“Yes?”
He opened the door a crack and peered in, the phone in one hand. “Tony and Dex are planning an impromptu sail this weekend. The weather is perfect. We’re invited.”
The mere thought of the wide Bay and the bobbing boat almost made her sick.
“I can’t go,” she said quickly. “Amber and I are packing tomorrow. Why don’t you go, though.”
He hesitated a moment. “You sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure,” she said, keeping her eyes closed. It was dumb, but now that she had said it, she wished the words back. She didn’t want him to go off on fun-filled adventures without her. She wanted him to say, no, I wouldn’t have fun without my wife.
“Okay, then,” Matt said. He spoke into the phone again. “Sara can’t make it. But I can. What time?”
He moved away, still talking. She felt a flare of anger that was totally irrational. She’d told him to go. He was just taking her at her word. Why did it make her angry?
Because she wanted to be the center of his universe, she realized. Just as he had become the center of hers. Tears welled again, but she damped them down. Rising, she headed for the bathroom.
Joining Matt in a few minutes, face bathed and makeup donned, she smiled, hoping she could carry this off. He was sitting on the sofa, the TV playing softly.
“So when are you going tomorrow?” she asked.
“We’re leaving at eight. When are you and Amber getting together?” He patted the cushion beside him, indicating he wanted her to join him.
“Not until ten. Will you be home for dinner?” Sara sat beside him, hoping he’d pull her into his arms.
As if he read her mind, he put his arm around her shoulders, and drew her close.
“Yes, I’ll be home around four or so. Will you feel like cooking, or shall I pick up something?”
“I’ll put on a stew that can cook all day while we work. Can we eat at my place? That way I can watch the stew as we work, and won’t have to get it over here.”
“I can be at your former apartment whenever you say,” he replied.
Sara smiled, remembering how insistent he was she think of his apartment as home. Maybe with the new one.
If he stayed.
“What are you watching?” she asked.
“Travel channel. They are showing a segment on the world’s best beaches.”
Figures, even at home, he was longing for distant shores. Sara snuggled down beside him, watching as the exotic scenes played on the screen. She longed for them, as well. How could she fault Matt for being honest?
She couldn’t fault him for anything. She loved him. He hadn’t change a bit since she’d met him. He was wildly sexy, exciting, dynamic. He seemed to like spending time with her, though she didn’t think she offered as much as someone like that blond bombshell who had showed up. Yet he was satisfied.
Or was he? They’d made such wonderful plans before they married. And so little had come about.
Due to her.
She should have quit her job. But if he left, where would she be without work? Maybe there was more she could do to live up to the plans they’d made, the ones she’d been as excited about as he. She doubted Mr. Pepovich would fire her if she took another week off. She had loads of vacation time on the books.
She would become the perfect wife, doing everything he wanted, so he would never wish to leave. And she wouldn’t harp on the baby, nor bring the subject up more than she needed to in the normal course of events. Once the baby was born, he’d see he could be a great father. She hoped he would be willing to try.
What caused a man to leave a family? She’d never understood Bill’s defection. He had never contacted her, never seen Amber after she was three months old.
How would she handle things if Matt left? How would she handle her life if he left?
The fear clutched her heart. She wouldn’t be able to, she thought. In the short time they’d been together, he’d become an integral part of her being. The plans they’d made wouldn’t come about now, or at least for another eighteen years. Would Matt be patient that long?
“We should have a housewarming party when we get the new apartment,” she said.
He looked at her. “What brought that up?”
“The luau.” She gestured to the scene on the television. “Reminded me of our move and new place. Don’t you want friends to see it? I do. I’m excited about it.”
“Whatever.”
She smiled and patted his knee. “Maybe it’s a girl thing.”
“Like nesting. Are we getting a lot of new furniture as well?”
“Not a lot.” Mostly baby stuff, but she didn’t voice that. “I like this sofa and the chairs I have in my former apartment will blend in. We can decide before moving furniture.”
She’d be agreeable, fun to be around. And they’d build such wonderful memories he’d never want to leave her.
Saturday proved difficult—sorting through her past with Amber. Sara had several boxes and bags for the trash or charity waiting by the door by the time Matt arrived for dinner. She and Amber had packed up most of the books and pictures; even some of the kitchen things. Sara wanted to go through Matt’s kitchen before giving up any of her pots and baking pans. She suspected she’d want to keep most of it since his place seemed light on cookware.
Sara kept to her vow to be the best of companions. She kept the conversation light at dinner. Amber seemed to pick up on her mood and contributed funny anecdotes from college. Matt regaled them with the snafus he’d encountered in early trips. The time passed quickly and with all the fun Sara hoped for. She was pleased with her strategy.
Before they left to return to Matt’s place, he walked through the apartment. “We’ll get some professionals in to pack up the rest. You need to c
onserve your energy,” he said.
“I’m fine.”
“Maybe. But tomorrow, we’ll stay home and rest.”
She smiled in anticipation. The last time they’d stayed home to rest, they spent most of the day in bed—but not at all in restful pursuits.
However Matt meant exactly what he said. Sunday he brought her breakfast in bed, and left her to eat it, saying he had the paper to read. When Sara got up and dressed, he urged her to sit on the sofa to read or watch television. She didn’t wish to do either.
“I want to spend time with you,” she said, leaning over him at the dining table and looking at the crossword puzzle he worked.
“I’m here. I can rent a video if you like. We could watch it together.”
“Anything special you want to see?” What was going on?
“No, what would you like?”
“I’d like to go for a walk. It’s gorgeous outside. April is a lovely month in San Francisco, before the fog makes its daily appearance. Let’s go to Golden Gate Park and visit the Tea Gardens,” she suggested.
“Sure you don’t want to rest up? You’ve been working hard lately. With the baby and all, I thought you should rest.”
Amber had asked Sara privately just before they’d left last night if Matt knew about the baby. No mention had been made all evening. Sara assured her he knew. But this was the first time he’d voluntarily mentioned it. And she didn’t like it at all. She wasn’t an invalid. She wanted to do something fun with her husband.
“I’m getting plenty of rest,” she said.
“So no nap needed?” he asked.
She remembered other days when they had napped. Slowly she began to smile. Maybe she’d forego the park and spend the afternoon in Matt’s arms instead.
CHAPTER EIGHT
THE next few days sped by. Sara didn’t bring up the subject of the baby around Matt. He never mentioned it either. It was as if there was a huge elephant in the living room that neither admitted to. How long would it last?
The strain was starting to tell. She had accepted the fact of the new child and was growing excited. She wanted to talk about the baby, make plans, decide on names, look at furniture, buy a new teddybear. The list was endless.
