Cobweb Bride
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VAMPIRES ARE FROM VENUS,
WEREWOLVES ARE FROM MARS:
A Comprehensive Guide to Attracting Supernatural Love
(A Parody)
Vera Nazarian
Copyright © 2012 by Vera Nazarian
Cover Design Copyright © 2012 by Vera Nazarian
Ebook Edition
April 2, 2013
Discover other titles by Vera Nazarian at
Epub Format ISBN:
ISBN-13: 978-1-60762-117-1
ISBN-10: 1-60762-117-7
This book is a work of fiction. All characters, names, locations, and events portrayed in this book are fictional or used in an imaginary manner to entertain, and any resemblance to any real people, situations, or incidents is purely coincidental.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.
Vampires are from Venus, Werewolves are from Mars:
A Comprehensive Guide to Attracting Supernatural Love
by Vera Nazarian
Curiosities
an imprint of
Norilana Books
www.norilana.com
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Table of Contents
Introduction
Universal, Absolutely Accurate, One Hundred Percent Infallible, Supernatural Personality And Compatibility Test
Your Personalized UAAOHPISPACT Test Results
How to Read and Interpret Your Results
Venus—Your Vampire Lover
Mars—Your Werewolf Lover
Mercury and Moon—Your Fairy (Fae) Lover
Earth—Your Almost Average™ or Androgynous Power Human Lover
Jupiter—Self Love or Your Zombie Lover
Neptune and Saturn—Your Mummified Object of Fixation or Stalker Mummy Lover
Uranus—Your Asshole Demon Lover
Asteroid Belt, Oort Cloud, and Pluto—Your Ghost Angel Lover
The Supernatural Matchmaker’s General Advice to Soul Mates—The Love Secret
OTHER BOOKS BY VERA NAZARIAN
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Introduction
Congratulations! You’ve just stumbled upon the best-kept secret to social relationships.
Supernatural social relationships.
For years you’ve read those books, watched those movies and TV shows, surfed the shady gray fantasyscape of the internet, attended conventions full of highly intelligent people wearing highly constricting costumes.
You’ve even sat in prominent window seats at bookstore cafés pretending to write a magnum opus on your laptop while reading paranormal romance blogs—all in order to attract the precious attention of a real vampire, werewolf, fairy (sorry, fae), angel, demon, spotted hedgehog alien from another planet, or some other winged, horned, or tentacled supernatural lover.
Because it is a well-known fact they hang out at bookstore cafés. Or in alleys behind the cafés. Or deep in the sewers below the cafés. Or on rooftops above the cafés. . . .
Well, they do.
And always, they gaze at you from a distance. Not at the really more attractive person one table over, but at you—mousy, otherwise invisible you . . . watching you day and night.
They are watching you type on your laptop at that window. Watching you sip the mocha latte and wipe your mouth (and as you’re at it, swipe your nose) with the napkin. Watching you absentmindedly chew, and often let bits of gooey crumb-cake rain down all over your shirt (because, yet again, you did not wear a bib—people your age do not wear a bib—even though you always later look back and think you kind of should wear a bib, as you spray the spot-cleaner detergent on the food stains at the laundry).
Ahem, and so—
Watching you, and waiting with intensity. With immortal longing. With smoldering eyes and chiseled lean cheekbones and artfully well-trimmed five-o-clock shadow scruff . . . all the while, swinging upside-down from the monkey bars of the fire escape of the building across the street from the café. . . .
At last! You’re in luck!
This volume before you is the definitive guide to attracting that fascinating creature perched on the fire escape (or dangling from it), the supernatural soul mate of your dreams, no matter how they swing, or what planet they are from.
However—
Before we proceed, you must first figure out if you yourself are from a planet.
Yes, you’ve read that correctly.
When it comes to supernatural relationships, planets are a given. If you were dating an average, non-magical, random human fool, then there would be no mention of planets. None whatsoever. Okay, well, sometimes they mention planets, but not like this—and not like all of them.
But in this case, yes. We must invoke planets.
Because, really, you need to be grounded on some planet or another, not just freely orbiting a medium-class tiny yellow star in outer space.
You could be from just about anywhere—from Mars or Venus—or even Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, the Moon, the Oort Cloud, or hey, maybe even Earth (very rare).
In short, being planet-bound is a pre-requisite, in order to make the perfect paranormal match. Because, face it, no one wants to date someone who does not come from at least some tiny spinning ball in space. Even supernatural lovers with wings and jet propulsion capability like to rest on a rock now and then. Preferably, on a rock right next to you.
And so, we must now figure out your planet, and therefore, you.
Because what we’re really talking about is your soul planet, the planet of your tendencies and dreams and desires and perfect love, not the actual physical rock on which you reside (Ahem, e-a-r-t-h.)
Soul-probing questions will be asked. You will respond.
Depending on your responses, you can then plan romantic dates, wedding venues, and the rest of your life (or undeath) accordingly.
Now—whether you’re male or female—has nothing to do with any of this. There are plenty of metrosexual male denizens of Venus, and kickass females from Mars. So, gentlemen, please, flee not, and read on.
All right, you say.
What is my planet? What am I?
The only way to find out what the dickens you are is to take this Universal, Absolutely Accurate, One Hundred Percent Infallible, Supernatural Personality And Compatibility Test, or UAAOHPISPACT. (Yes, we tried to make the acronym have even more letters, but we failed, because we kept on forgetting which letters got used, which letters were next to each other, and which words came first, next, or last, and frankly, it kind of got out of control, so then we needed a drink. . . .)
Anyway, here is the sophisticated psychological analysis engine, the carefully crafted, deeply probing power tool of introspection and self-discovery that is the UAAOHPISPACT.
Take the multiple choice test by instinctively recognizing the best answer, but then for some reason choosing the not-so-best one, or even a really crappy one, the same way you selected that last date. (In your dreams! Like, you ever went on a real date! HAHAHAHAHA! And LOL and ROTFL and ROTFLMAO! Admit it, they were all just “Hey, did you eat yet? Let’s go have lunch, okay?” things, and the other person had no clue you two were in fact sharing a Meal of Mating Significance. Ahem! Sorry. Okay, maybe you have gone out on dates—yes, even more than one—so, maybe it’s just me. Okay, putting down the martini now . . .)
In other words, the results of your test answer selections are, well, as messed up (or not) as you are (or not).
Got that?
And now, grab a piece of paper and start writing down the letters. Or the answers. Or the letters of the answers to the letters.
Whatever. Just write some sh**—BLEEP! down.
Universal, Absolutely Accurate, One Hundred Percent Infallible, Supernatural Personality And Compatibility Test
Question 1
A) Should a vampire sparkle?
B) Should a werewolf sparkle?
C) Should you sparkle?
D) Beer.
(I realize this is more of a rhetorical question, or maybe less than a normal question, or possibly not really a question at all but a groaning multiple-choice moan against the big cold universe, but what the hell, just pick one. I don’t know what this is. Just go with your gut. If your gut happens to be a beer gut, choose D.)
Question 2
If faced with a dark, mysterious, hot stranger at a party, do you:
A) Offer them your neck and phone number.
B) Tell them they smell nice but you are nobody’s bitch.
C) Slowly back away and then get the heck out of there, then text all about it in the parking lot until they disable your account for spamming.
D) Try to stake them. With a chopstick. Or a ball-point pen. Or a porterhouse.
Question 3
This is the one movie you have seen one too many times. (Choose carefully, even if you have seen this movie only once).
A) Flashlight
B) Daylight
C) Nightlight
D) Searchlight
E) Pilot Light
Question 4
What’s your dream partner’s name?
A) Edmund
B) Jackson
C) Betta
D) Tuffy
E) Larry (Wait, what?)
F) Fredo (Woah!)
Question 5
If you put Edmund, Jackson, Betta, and Tuffy in one room, what happens?
A) Tuffy stakes Edmund . . . you know, with a filet mignon. Betta and Jackson ride off together on a scooter.
B) Tuffy makes out with Edmund (because Angle and Spoke are not enough). Betta and Jackson ride off together on a segway.
C) Tuffy stakes Edmund . . . you know, with a rib-eye. Tuffy beats the crap out of Betta. Tuffy puts a collar and leash on Jackson and they go jogging.
D) Tuffy sees who’s inside the room, tosses in a canister, lights a match and shuts the door. She takes a bus to Cleveland where there’s another Smellmouth.
Question 6
You are going on a blind date. What do you wear?
A) Dark period clothing (what period exactly, is anyone’s guess, but it’s early Pre-Cell Phone Period), thick smoky eyeliner and “black-eye” eye shadow, anemia-mime makeup, blood-red lipstick that goes outside the line of your actual lips (you failed coloring books in kindergarten), leather corset, random vinyl embellishments, lace fingerless gloves (topped by pewter poison rings), prosthetic fangs, prosthetic mini-horns (tastefully dipped in black and burgundy glitter), hand-made steampunk jewelry from a trendy online boutique or purchased through a major online auction site where you scored it after a heated bidding war with a thirteen-year-old in another country.
B) Dog collar with big metal studs.
C) Jeans and t-shirt.
D) A Wedding gown or tux—why wait? You are about to meet the fairy (sorry, fae) of your dreams. And all stories insist that time itself moves differently in Faerie—a. k. a. Faerie Savings Time (FST). The closest we have to that is Microwave Time, which is almost as inexplicable and excruciating.
Question 7
You are giving a party. What’s NOT on the menu?
A) The guests and the caterers.
B) Fat little children. What, you think this is Jonathan Swift?
C) The pizza delivery guy. And the pizza. Especially the pizza.
D) You.
Question 8
In a cage match, who would be the ultimate champion?
A) Vampire
B) Werewolf
C) Fairy (or Fae)
D) A high school girl with a wooden dowel sharpened on one end.
E) Armed Weapon of Mass Destruction. (Hint: see D)
Question 9
You want to settle down and have a family and a 30-year fixed mortgage. Whom do you date?
A) A sexy undead vampire who is 600 years old and has a mysterious Greco-Albanian accent, silk underwear, and a bloated bank account in every city and on every continent.
B) A gorgeous, buff, and tanned werewolf who is 27 years old and has a college loan, boxer briefs, a mysterious tattoo, and intricate family connections in Vegas and Monte Carlo.
C) A hot guy of indeterminate age who wears black leather and has a slight hump on his back—could be a gun holster, could be a pair of folded wings, could be an actual hump. No credit cards, but always carries unlimited wads of cash.
D) A hot female with a bow and arrows and a dystopian attitude. Has nothing except a small backpack and awesome target-practice skills.
E) A male or female geek (take your pick) who has invented a social network or an operating system while messing around with vacuum tubes and room-sized computers in college, and now runs a Fortune 500 company.
Question 10
Your parents are nagging you about being single. Where do you go to find your perfect romantic partner?
A) Graveyards, museums, blood drives, antique shops, cultural lectures, winery tours.
B) The zoo, or an exotic safari. Or, more likely, an animal rescue shelter, because you are underemployed.
C) Science fiction or comics (ahem, graphic novels!) conventions.
D) Online, because, where else?
* * *
Congratulations! You’ve completed all the multiple choice test questions! Hopefully you even wrote them down somewhere other than your palm.
Now, let’s score and tabulate your answers and come up with the sickening moment of truth . . . your personalized UAAOHPISPACT results. Your soul planet awaits!
Your Personalized UAAOHPISPACT Test Results
First look at your answers. Yes, down there. No. THERE.
Found it? Do you need to squint? No? Good, you are sober enough. Or, at least you have your glasses on. Or your contacts. Disposable contacts (fancy schmancy, jeez! What a shi**—BLEEP!).
If you have picked mostly “A” answers in the multiple choice, then you are naturally attracted to vampires. They are from Venus, and therefore you are a Venusian at heart. You might be a thoroughly human girl or boy living in Montebello, but deep inside, Venusian.
If you have picked mostly “B” answers in the multiple choice, then you are naturally attracted to werewolves. They are from Mars, and therefore you are a Martian at heart.
If you have picked mostly “C” answers in the multiple choice, then you are naturally attracted to fairies (or fae). They are from Mercury (if male) or the Moon (if female), and therefore you are a Mercurian or a Moon-Lunarian.
If you have picked mostly “D” answers in the multiple choice, then you are naturally attracted to females with martial arts skills or metrosexual males. They are from Earth, and therefore you are an Earthling in both the real-world and soul sense. Congratulations! You’re Almost Average ™!
If you have picked mostly “E” answers in the multiple choice, then you have not answered all the questions. You think you can get away with anything. And yes, you are naturally attracted to yourself, or to rotting zombies. They—and you—are from Jupiter (also a bloated giant), and therefore you are a Jupiterian.
If you have picked mostly “F” answers in the multiple choice, then you have answered only one of the questions, which makes you scary-fixated on one thing only, in the intense way of an Ancient Egyptian Mummy looking for its long-lost love. And yes, you are attracted to hairy feet in a bucolic countryside. They (mummies and hairy feet) are from Neptune (if female) or Saturn (if male), and therefore you are a Neptunian or Saturnian.
If you have pick
ed a more-or-less even mix of “A, B, C, D, E, and F” answers in the multiple choice, then you are either well balanced or very conflicted and moderately confused, in the bad-boy (or girl) way of a hell-spawn demon. Which means that you are either an asshole or tend to look up your own asshole a lot. The answers are not there, but oh, so many spinning rings! They (demons and rings) are from Uranus, and therefore you are a Uranusian.
If you have picked any other uneven combination or frequency of “A, B, C, D, E, or F” answers in the multiple choice, then frankly you are either from the Asteroid Belt, the Oort Cloud, or from Pluto (which was recently demoted from full-fledged planethood, so gets stuck in this asteroidal bunk-bed category), and therefore, you, my friend, are the unknown, the wild card, the x solved for y, the raging wilderness, the oddball in all of this! Feel free to follow your heart whichever way it leads in the supernatural romantic partner aspect. Date a unicorn, for all we care, don’t let anyone stop you! Be aware however, that relativistic ghosts and spirits, not to mention winged angels, are all around you! This of course makes you, in the neither-here-nor-there sense, a Quantum Planetoid.
How to Read and Interpret Your Results
Now that we’ve established what the dickens you are, it’s time to match you up with your romantic partner and supernatural soul mate!