Over Hill and Dale

by Gervase Phinn

  ‘Look,’ I said quietly but deliberately and addressing all three of my companions, ‘this morning I have been compared to a blackbird with a beak full of worms, a cat that has got the mouse, a lion in the jungle, a rat up a drainpipe, a horse in the wind and now a rabbit with the runs. To continue the animal similes, may I add one of my own? I feel like a fox pursued by hounds. I would be very pleased if you left me and my love life alone! And so that no one is in any doubt where I am going, I am off to Winnery Book School for Nook Day, I mean Winnery Nook for Book Day, to see Christine, I mean Miss Bentley, purely, I may add, in my professional capacity.’

  ‘Of course you are!’ they all chorused loudly.

  ‘I thought you were dressing up for Children’s Reading Day,’ I teased, returning Christine’s smile.

  ‘Cheeky thing!’ she exclaimed. ‘You had better come in. And any more clever comments of that kind and I’ll put a spell on you.’

  But Christine had already put a spell on me. She had captivated and charmed me, if only she knew it. I walked with her down the school corridor past excited, chattering children dressed as all sorts of characters, fussing parents who were putting the final touches to their children’s outfits, and teachers in costume attempting to organise things.

  ‘How was Chicago?’

  ‘Marvellous,’ Christine replied.

  ‘And the dissertation?’

  ‘All finished and sent off.’

  We had arrived at the main hall by this time and were surrounded by a knot of colourful little characters all excited to show themselves off to the Headteacher.

  ‘Look,’ Christine whispered, laying a red talon on my arm, ‘things are a bit frenetic at the moment, but I’m free this weekend. Let’s go out and I can tell you all about it and you can tell me what sort of summer you’ve had.’

  ‘That would be great,’ I said, chuckling. ‘I’ll give you a ring.’

  ‘What are you laughing at?’ she asked.

  ‘You just look so ridiculous in that witch outfit.’

  ‘I’ve told you once,’ she said, showing a mouthful of black teeth, ‘I’ll put a spell on you. I promise we’ll catch up on everything this weekend, but now I must welcome the parents and children, Gervase, so if you would like to wait in the staff room, I’ll see you in a moment. Make yourself a cup of coffee if you like. Oh, by the way, you’ll find the Chairman of Governors in there. She’ll be judging the competition with you.’

  In the small staff room I found a large, elderly woman with hands on hips and legs planted well apart, staring intently out of the window at the view. She had really gone to town on her costume and was dressed in a wonderfully bizarre outfit. The heavy, old-fashioned suit was a mustard yellow with red and green checks and was as shapeless as a sack of potatoes. The thick stockings were of the darkest brown and the shoes of the heavy, sensible brogue variety with little leather acorns attached to the front. To complete the effect, she wore a wide-brimmed red hat sporting two long pheasant feathers, held in place by a silver brooch in the shape of a stag’s head. She held a battered old handbag and an ancient umbrella with a swan’s head handle. She looked magnificently outlandish.

  The multicoloured figure, like some overfed, exotic bird, turned full circle when she heard me enter. ‘Mornin’!’ she snapped.

  ‘Good morning,’ I replied. ‘You really do look the part.’

  She stared at me perplexed. ‘Do I?’

  ‘Yes, indeed. Are you Miss Marple?’

  ‘I beg your pardon, young man?’

  ‘Miss Marple?’

  ‘No, I’m not. I’m Sybil Wainwright, Chairman of Governors.’

  ‘But who are you dressed as? Are you not Agatha Christie’s sleuth, Miss Marple?’

  ‘Why do you keep going on about a Miss Marple? I’ve already told you, my name is Mrs Wainwright.’

  ‘Yes, but what character are you supposed to be? Are you Mary Poppins?’

  ‘Character? What are you blathering on about? I’ve not come as any character.’ It then dawned upon me that she was wearing her usual apparel. ‘I always dress like this.’ I urgently wanted the ground to open and swallow me up.

  ‘Of course.’ I held out my hand which she shook charily. ‘It’s my feeble attempt at humour. I’m Gervase Phinn, school inspector, here to judge the competition with you.’

  ‘Pleased to meet you, I’m sure,’ said Mrs Wainwright, grimacing and eyeing me suspiciously. ‘I had not the first idea what you were going on about.’

  After a short and rather strained conversation, I extricated myself from the company of the colourful Chairman of Governors and went in search of Christine. I found her in the small reading area of the school. The Wicked Witch of the West was sitting in the corner with her arm around a small boy who was crying piteously. His little body was shaking uncontrollably and great tears streamed down his round red face. Christine held him close with a claw-like hand and tried to comfort him. The child was dressed in twisted yellow tights over which he wore a pair of close-fitting, electric-blue underpants. He had on a baggy white T-shirt with SUPAMAN written incorrectly across the front in large, shaky letters.

  ‘Well, I don’t think you look a prat, Gavin,’ said the witch.

  ‘I do, miss, I do,’ whimpered Superman. ‘Everyone says I look a prat.’

  Christine caught sight of me peering through the bookcases. ‘Well, look who is here!’ she cried, beckoning me over. ‘It’s Mr Phinn.’ Superman looked up and stifled his sobbing for a moment. He wiped away his tears with a grubby little fist, leaving long streaks across his cheeks, and stared sorrowfully in my direction. ‘Now, Mr Phinn is a very important visitor, Gavin, and knows everything about everything because he’s an inspector.’ The child sniffed loudly and wiped his nose on his hand. ‘Do you know what an inspector does?’

  The child nodded pathetically before answering. ‘He collects bus tickets.’

  Christine stifled a laugh before telling the child that I was a school inspector and something of an expert on costumes. ‘Shall we ask Mr Phinn what he thinks about your outfit, Gavin?’ The child sniffed, wiped his nose again and nodded. ‘Well, Mr Phinn,’ said Christine, ‘do you think Gavin looks a prat?’

  ‘I certainly do not think he looks a prat!’ I exclaimed dramatically.

  The little boy started to weep and wail again. ‘I do! I do! I know I do. Everybody says I do!’

  ‘And I have in my pocket a special piece of paper which says you do not look a prat.’ I reached in my jacket, produced a visiting card and wrote on it: ‘Superman does not look a prat.’

  The little boy took it from me, scrutinized it for a moment and asked: ‘Is that what it says?’

  ‘It does,’ I replied.

  He tucked the card down the back of his electric-blue underpants, sniffed, smiled and scurried off.

  Christine came over and put her hand on my arm. ‘That was sweet,’ she said. ‘Now let’s see how you fare taking the school assembly.’

  The infants by this time had gathered in the hall and were sitting cross-legged in their resplendent costumes, facing the front.

  ‘Good morning, children,’ said Christine brightly.

  ‘Good morning Miss Bentley, good morning everyone,’ they chanted.

  ‘Don’t you all look wonderful this morning,’ she said, scanning the rows of children who gazed back with expectant, happy faces. ‘Everyone looks really, really super. My goodness, what a lot of different characters we have in the hall today. It’s going to be really hard to judge which of you are the best, so I have asked two of my friends to help me. I think you all know Mrs Wainwright’ – she indicated the Chairman of Governors sitting at the side – ‘and some of you may remember Mr Phinn who visited our school last year. Well, Mr Phinn is going to take our assembly this morning and then help us decide which of you are the most imaginatively dressed characters. Over to you, Mr Phinn.’

  I had decided that I would read the children the parable of the lost sheep. It’s a shor
t account and I thought it would be very appropriate for an assembly and would relate to the children, many of whom came from farming backgrounds.

  ‘Good morning, children,’ I said, striding to the front of the hall. ‘Today, as you know, is Children’s Reading Day and Miss Bentley has asked me to talk to you about some of my favourite books.’ I held up a large crimson-coloured volume, on the front of which the title, Stories from the Bible, was picked out in large golden lettering. ‘This book was given to me by my mother many years ago when I was a little boy. It is a very special book, full of wonderful stories which were told by a very special man. Does anyone know who I mean?’

  ‘Jesus,’ chorused the children.

  ‘Yes, it’s Jesus, and although Jesus never wrote down any of his stories, his friends did, and millions of people have read what he said nearly two thousand years ago. Jesus wanted everyone to be kind and love each other and was often surrounded by people who did not have much money, people who had done wrong, people who had got into trouble, people who were sick and lonely, people who were looked down upon by the rich and powerful. In this story, which is called “The Story of the Lost Sheep”, Jesus tries to help us understand how we should feel about the poor and weak.’

  Every eye was on me as I read the story. ‘Imagine that a shepherd had a hundred sheep. One day, when he counted them, he found that there was one missing. He could have said, “Well, it’s only one, I’ve got ninety-nine more. I won’t bother looking for it.” But he didn’t say that. He left all the other sheep untended and went in search of the one lost sheep until he found it. Now why do you think he did that?’ I hoped that the children would appreciate the meaning of the parable, that every single one of us is valuable in the eyes of God and that ‘there is more joy in heaven when one sinner turns back to God than ninety-nine who see no need to repent’. But the point was missed.

  ‘Why do you think the shepherd risked losing all the other sheep just for the one which was lost?’ I asked again.

  A thoughtful-looking little boy on the front row raised a hand. ‘’appen it were t’tup!’ he said.

  I pressed on, explaining what parables were and how they taught us all how to lead better lives. I could see by the fidgeting and turning of heads that I was not having a massive impact on the children who were obviously keen to get on with the judging of the costumes, so I decided to finish. But not before posing one final question.

  ‘And what would you say to Jesus,’ I asked, holding high the red book like some preacher of old, ‘if he were to walk into the hall this morning?’

  The boy on the front row thought for a moment, then raised his hand a second time and said loudly, ‘I’d give ’im that book, Mester Phinn, and I’d say, “Jesus Christ – this is your life!” ’

  The judging of the competition went a great deal better. Before us paraded a whole host of book characters: Long John Silver and Peter Rabbit, Paddington Bear and Peter Pan, Robin Hood and Cinderella, Toad of Toad Hall and Little Red Riding Hood. Last of all came a pathetic-looking little boy in wrinkled yellow tights, electric-blue underpants and a T-shirt with SUPAMAN written incorrectly across the front. I heard a few suppressed giggles and whispers from the other children and saw their smirks and smiles.

  Mrs Wainwright and I awarded the first prize to the Little Mermaid, the second prize to Aladdin and the third prize to a very pleased little boy in yellow tights, electric-blue underpants and a T-shirt with SUPAMAN written incorrectly across the front. As he scampered out to the front of the hall, his weeping and whimpering ceased and the frowns were replaced by a great beaming smile.

  I said my farewells to the children and Mrs Wainwright and headed for the door. Christine followed me and when she had made sure we were out of sight of everyone slipped her hand through my arm.

  ‘That was really nice of you,’ she said, giving me a quick peck on the cheek and then rubbing out the greenish smear which had been left behind. ‘Gavin won’t stop talking about that for weeks. You’re an old softie really, aren’t you?’

  ‘I think the assembly was a bit over their heads,’ I said.

  ‘Just a bit. I’ve got to go. Don’t forget to ring me.’

  A large, round-faced boy appeared from the hall. He wore a bright red blouse, baggy blue pants, large red floppy hat with a small silver bell on the end and huge black shoes. His lips were crimson, his eyes lined in thick black mascara and two scarlet circles adorned each cheek. It was a grotesque parody of Noddy.

  ‘Mr Phinn!’ he gasped. ‘Mr Phinn! I need one of those pieces of paper which you gave to Gavin which says I don’t look a prat.’

  Driving on to my next appointment, I recalled when I had been in exactly the same situation as little Gavin. I was seven at the time and my sister, at home from teacher training college, had made me the most magnificent red and yellow outfit from crêpe paper for a fancy dress event. I was to go as the Pied Piper of Hamelin and had set off for school with her in my colourful doublet and little red and yellow hat. People on the top deck of the bus had craned their necks to get a view of the little figure who had strutted along, passers-by had stared and then smiled, and old ladies had peered through the curtains. I had felt the centre of attention and so proud. Halfway there, the sky had opened and the rain had fallen as thick as umbrella spokes. In seconds the crisp crêpe paper had turned into one soggy, orange mess and I had arrived at school soaked to the skin and sobbing uncontrollably. Miss Franklin, the Headteacher, had taken charge immediately and I had been dried and given a clean pair of shorts and yellow T-shirt to wear. By this time, my great heaving sobs had become a pathetic sniffle and snuffle but when I had seen myself in the mirror I had returned to the howling. The dye from the red and yellow crêpe paper had run and looking back at me in the mirror had been a small boy with brilliant orange streaks down his face, arms, hands and legs. Miss Franklin had calmed me down, given me a cuddle and had ushered me into the hall where all the other children were waiting in their colourful costumes. I remembered their smirks and grins and the whispering and giggling and, like the child in the electric-blue underpants and yellow tights, I had felt a complete prat.

  ‘Who’s he come as, miss?’ one of the older children had sniggered.

  ‘Well, can’t you tell, Jimmy Everett?’ Miss Franklin had said with exaggerated surprise in her voice while putting her arm protectively around my shoulder. ‘He’s come as the Gingerbread Man. Fancy you not knowing that.’

  Like little Gavin, I had won third prize, had talked about it for weeks and had fallen in love with my very first infant Headteacher, the beautiful Miss Franklin.

  6

  My next appointment on Children’s Reading Day was at Hawksrill Primary, a school deep in the heart of the Dales, where I had agreed to take another school assembly on the theme of reading. As I drove up the twisting snake of a road, I determined that this assembly would be without incident and decided that I would abandon my plans to read again the parable of ‘The Lost Sheep’ and I would talk about something completely different.

  One day during the summer holidays, Christine and I had walked from deep within the North York Moors to the coast at Ravenscar. The journey followed the old Viking route known as The Lyke Wake. Legend has it that the Vikings carried the ‘lyke’ or corpse across the bleak moors to the sea, where the body was given up to the waves. With the coming of Christianity, the practice was continued but it took on a deeper meaning and the walk came to symbolise the journey of the soul towards Heaven.

  When we had arrived at Ravenscar Christine had bought me a very readable little book about The Lyke Wake. The central character was a brave and noble Viking called Thor who helped carry his dead father across the lonely, desolate land to his final resting place. The story starts in modern times, when a school party stumbles across a silver bracelet or torque glistening in the bracken. This short, lively tale, I thought, would be ideal for reading in the assembly.

  Hawksrill was a small stone building enclosed by a low, cra
ggy limestone wall. It was surrounded by a vast expanse of pale and dark green fields which rose to the thick, now dead bracken slopes, long belts of woodland and the faraway, cold grey fells. The Headteacher, Mrs Beighton, was a stout, squarely built, ruddy-complexioned woman with a wide, friendly face and short cropped white hair. Her assistant, Mrs Brown, was uncannily like her. They both wore rather old-fashioned, floral-patterned dresses and cardigans and carried capacious handbags. Both were widows and shared a small cottage within walking distance of the school.

  Mrs Beighton and Mrs Brown were inseparable. They came on courses together, could be seen each Saturday, shopping in Fettlesham, and on Sundays they attended the Primitive Methodist Chapel and sat side by side in the front pew in their Sunday hats. Mrs Beighton and Mrs Brown were typical of many Yorkshire folk: industrious, good-humoured and plain speaking, with strong views and an ironic sense of humour. On my last visit to the school towards the end of the previous term, I had remarked that they were so typical of the forthright and friendly people I had met on my travels about the county.

  ‘Well, you know, Mr Phinn,’ Mrs Beighton had explained, ‘I think you can always tell someone from Yorkshire.’

  ‘But you can’t tell them much,’ Mrs Brown had added, chuckling.

  Both teachers now greeted me with warm smiles when I entered the one large, bright classroom during morning playtime.

  ‘Hello, Mr Phinn,’ said the Headteacher cheerily. ‘How kind of you to come to see us.’

  ‘Most kind,’ echoed Mrs Brown. ‘Do come in.’

  ‘It seems an age since you visited us, out here at Hawksrill,’ said Mrs Beighton.

  ‘A good few months, I should say, Mrs Beighton,’ remarked her companion.

  ‘And the children are so looking forward to meeting you again.’

  ‘They are indeed,’ added Mrs Brown.

  After morning break, the sixteen junior and twenty infant children gathered around me in the large classroom for the assembly. They listened attentively to the story of The Lyke Wake with no interruptions and everyone was completely still and hushed when I arrived at the dramatic conclusion. Mrs Beighton and Mrs Brown, mouths open, hands resting on their laps, sat transfixed at either end of the classroom like bookends and made no effort to move.