Smoldering

by Tiffany Aleman

  I watch his reaction as I make my way back over to stand in front of him. Riley stands there unmoving, slack jawed, eyes hooded with desire and love. His chest rises and falls, each breath quicker than the last. As I stand before him, I reach for his hand, and walk backwards, not wanting to lose this connection between us. I pull him up the stairs towards his room. When we reach our destination, I grab at the hem of his shirt and slowly pull it over his head. I smooth my hands over his muscular chest as I whisper, “I love your chest. It’s the perfect pillow, but also houses the softest part of you, your heart.”

  My fingers work the button on his jeans before I release the strain of his zipper caused by his reaction. Riley kicks the material away and we are both left naked, silent, and wanting. A fire filled with longing, lust, and love burns through my veins as we stand here just staring at one another.

  Reaching for his hand, I lift it up and place it against my cheek before I whisper huskily, “I love your hands. They’re strong with support and tender with worship.”

  Without warning, Riley walks forward, making me drop his hand and backing me up until the back of my legs hit the cool, plush duvet on the bed. He leans into me, bracing his arm on the bed, his eyes searching my face before his soft, full lips claim mine in a slow, gentle kiss that makes every kiss before this pale in comparison.

  My arms rise and wind around his neck, anchoring him to me as I lean back onto the bed and pull him down with me. Riley’s body covers mine in warmth as we continue our leisurely pace of worshiping each other’s mouths.

  He props himself up on one elbow only to let his other hand peruse my naked body. My body shivers and my eyes flutter closed in anticipation as he spreads my legs further apart with his knees.

  As he pushes into me with tenderness and ease, he whispers against my lips. “I love you, every part of you, everything about you.” He kisses my closed eyelids. “I love the way these stare at me with such adoration.” His lips drift down to my cheeks where he kisses each one. “I love the way these turn red when I’ve said something dirty in your ear.” He pants as he begins to move back and forth inside of me. As he thrusts forward, he holds himself there as he leans down, kissing my forehead.

  “I love how smart you are.” He pulls out and pushes back in again and as he kisses my lips, he whispers, “And I love the words that come out of here, the way these luscious lips kiss me back, the way your tongue feels against mine.” He stops moving, keeps himself nestled deep inside me as he looks down at me. “Your heart is the purest of hearts. Your spirit shines like a beacon does for ships coming in from the sea. Your smile captivates me. Your soul consumes me. I’m under your spell and I never want to be cured.”

  A surge of happiness explodes throughout me, causing tears to spill over out the corners of my eyes. They trail down my temples and into my hair as Riley drops his forehead to mine. “Don’t cry, baby,” he pants out.

  My arms tighten around his neck. My feet wrap around his calves. Our bodies glide against each other as a thin sheen of sweat builds between the two of us. We give and take as much as we can from each other. Our hands and mouths map out every inch of each other’s body, committing the trails to memory. Our lovemaking is long, sweet, slow—passionate. The hours pass from night into the early hours of the morning before Riley finally passes out from exhaustion.

  I lay there, my legs entangled in his. His arms are wrapped around my waist, fastening me to him as my head lies on his chest. Slowly, I angle my face to look at his sleeping form. He sleeps peacefully, no worry lines etched on his forehead. His lips are slightly parted as he sleeps soundly. The moonlight from the window shines down on him, casting a soft glow on his amazingly defined cheekbones, strong jaw, and barely crooked nose.

  My eyes travel around his room as I take in his stuff stacked in the corner ready to go. On top of his already jam packed ruck sack is his IOTV. I called it a bulletproof vest and he explained the acronym stood for Improved Outer Tactical Vest. All I care is that it’s supposed to protect him against being shot and flying shrapnel. Sitting on top of his IOTV is his Kevlar helmet and seeing it all there in front of me makes me realize this deployment is real. He is leaving me for nine months and he may not come back alive. It’s a hard reality that I have to face, a reality he faces every day. I notice his uniform folded, sitting neatly on his dresser.

  Since I can’t go with him, I’ll send a piece of me with him, a piece he can keep right next to his heart. Gingerly, I unwrap his arms from around me before sliding out of the bed as quietly as possible. I tiptoe over to my bag and pull out a picture of us that I had framed for his Christmas present, and then head down the stairs into the kitchen. I flip on the light above the stove before rummaging around his drawers for a piece of paper and a pen. Finding both, I take a seat at the table and pour my heart out to him in words.

  Riley,

  I am so lost as where to start this letter. My heart is breaking all over again, knowing that I will be seeing you off soon. I was watching you sleep for a while before I decided to give you a piece of me to take with you. Not one day will go by that I will not think of you. As I sit here in your kitchen, swallowing back the tears that I have no doubt will fall before I finish this letter, I want to tell you thank you.

  Thank you for coming into the diner that fateful night. My world since meeting you has not been the same. It’s magnificently better. You’ve shown me what it is like to be loved and that is something no one else has ever given me. I know you’re thinking what about Jen, because that is something I would say, and yes, she loves me, but not in the way you do. You give me what no one can. You’re my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my future.

  I want to tell you I love you because I do, but even those words don’t seem to hold enough meaning for how I feel about you. There are no words to describe how much I love you, but if I had to use a word, it would be infinite. My love for you knows no bounds. I would travel the ends of the Earth, no questions asked, to prove my love. Please know that while you are away, I will not dwell on the fact that you are not by my side. I know you’d get on my ass for doing something like that. But I will miss you every second of every day until the moment you are back in my arms.

  It makes me physically sick to think you may not make it back to me, but you should know that, in case that is what happens, you will forever be my one and only. No other man will live up to you. Your memory is soldered into every crevice of my heart and soul. Everything about you will remain with me. Your scent, your voice, your warmth, your touch will stay with me forever. My decision to give you my heart and soul was the best choice I’ve ever made. You have made my days brighter and my nights not as dark. You’ve brought me extreme highs and extreme lows, but I wouldn’t trade one second of it for anything in the world. We are on our own rollercoaster and you are the only one I want to ride in the front seat with me.

  I have to end this letter now because I am a blubbering mess and I need to crawl back in bed with you before you notice I’m missing.

  I love you more than you can imagine.

  Kick ass and take names.

  Come back to me.

  I love you infinite,

  Your Kels xoxox

  Tears stream relentlessly down my face as I fold the white piece of printer paper. Puckering my lips, I press a kiss to the paper and send a silent prayer asking the Lord above to protect him and his fellow soldiers and for all of them to make it back to us.

  “I love you,” I whisper out loud as I make my way back to my sleeping man.

  I cannot seem to stop these fucking traitorous tears from falling. Even though I’m not bawling like a baby, they keep leaking slowly out and I just wish they’d stop. My fingers are intertwined with Riley’s as we sit on the polished concrete floor and lean back against one of the many steel support beams spaced evenly throughout the huge hangar. To my right sits Jen. She came for moral support for me because I asked her to but also to see Riley off. I know his leaving is hard for
her too, even if she doesn’t show it. Candace and Brad sit not too far away from us. They need space and I get it, because this is hard enough for all of us.

  I pull my knees up to my chest and lift mine and Riley’s combined hands. Leaning down, I pepper kisses all over his knuckles as we sit and wait. Some man came over the loud speaker not long ago saying we only had thirty minutes left with our loved ones.

  Next to Riley sits his gear and M16 rifle. This morning when I was writing his letter, I thought that I had my reality check that this was really happening but I didn’t know shit. My mind replays every memory we’ve made and I can’t help but wonder if we’ll get to make more.

  Women and children gather around their soldiers. Some laugh while others cry, but one thing is the same. Everyone clings to their loved ones. There are babies in strollers who have no clue what’s going on around them. They have no idea the real dangers these people are putting themselves in to protect our rights, our freedom.

  Mothers in uniform cling tightly to their children and spouses as they prepare to say the hardest goodbye they’ll ever have to articulate. I’m a bystander getting a glimpse at their very special, very real moment.

  “I’m right here, babe,” Riley whispers in my ear, capturing my attention.

  I turn to look at him and offer him a sad smile. I swallow back the ball of emotion lodged in my throat. “I’m trying really hard to be strong,” I whisper as he leans into me.

  Riley wraps his arms around me, holding me tight as I burrow my face in the crook of his neck.

  “I know, baby, I know,” he whispers, “but just remember that I’m coming back. I’m coming home to you.”

  I furiously nod my head against his neck, showing that I understand what he’s saying.

  “I feel so bad that your parents aren’t here,” I croak out.

  Riley shakes his head. “Don’t feel bad. It’s hard enough telling you I’ll see you later. I can’t bring my parents into the mix. I already know watching me leave is going to tear you apart. Trying to deal with the two most important women in my life crying over me?” He sighs, “I just can’t deal with that right now.”

  As callous as it might sound, I understand what he means. Now I understand where Lana was coming from when she said Riley needs to be in the right frame of mind when he’s deployed.

  Riley pulls back from me, reaches into one of his pockets, and pulls out a key. I look from him to the key and back to him. He reaches up, wiping the hair away from my tear stained face. “This is the key to my house. When I get back, I expect you to be all moved in,” he says, his tone low and deadly serious.

  My jaw drops at the fact that he’s asking me to move in. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to ask me this just because you’re deploying.” I say as I take the key from his hand.

  “Babe, I am about to spend nine months away from you. When I get home, I am going to want you around me twenty-four seven. I’ll be around you so much you’ll be itching to get away from me.” He smirks. “Plus, I’ve been thinking about this since Thanksgiving at my parents’ place. Me asking you to move in isn’t just some whim for me. I want to share my space with you.”

  A small laugh escapes me as he exaggerates his wanting to be around me that much.

  “You think I’m kidding, but I’m dead serious. When you shower, I’ll be in there with you. When you roll over in bed, I’ll be right there next to you.”

  “Oh. My. God,” Jen groans from beside us.

  Riley and I turn to look at her, both of us wearing a smile when we see her wide eyes and lips screwed up in disgust.

  “I will make sure she is all moved in if you will. Just. Shut. Up,” Jen pleads.

  “Are you jealous, Jen?” Riley laughs. “I’m sure we can make room for you, too.”

  “Oh hell no. You couldn’t pay me to live with the two of you. I don’t care to listen to all your mushy gushy ‘I’m so in love’,” she mocks, “bullshit.”

  My eyebrows furrow in confusion as I reach over and pinch the underside of her arm.

  “Ow,” she drawls out, shooting me a glare.

  “What the fuck was that about?” I ask dumbfounded.

  “I’m sorry,” she relents with a shake of her head. “You know I don’t do well with goodbyes,” she offers in the way of an explanation.

  “Okay, but tone down the bitchiness,” I state.

  Jen’s expression falls as she looks between me and Riley and I can see the sadness in her eyes. “I really am going to miss you, Riley,” she whispers.

  He nods and shoots her a sad smile. “Me too, Jen. I never had a sister, but if I had to choose anybody, you’d be the closest thing to it.”

  “This is a time check. You only have ten minutes remaining before you need to make your way to the flight line,” a man’s voice comes over the loud speaker.

  Dread takes residency in my gut. My jovial mood only seconds ago has been doused and now, the damn tears begin threatening to fall again. Riley stands and begins picking up his gear. I stand too, taking his IOTV from his hands.

  “Let me,” I whisper.

  He nods solemnly as he releases his vest to me. With shaky hands, I hold the heavy protective gear. We don’t exchange any words as Riley dips down and I guide the weighted armor over his head to rest on his shoulders. He reaches around from one side to the other and fastens the clips in place, securing it to his body. Next he hefts his rucksack off the floor and in one quick maneuver, he has it over his head and on his back. I reach down and pick up his Kevlar helmet off the floor. As I hold it in my hands, the thought doesn’t escape me that what he is wearing, excluding his rifle, is all he has to keep him safe. I swallow back my fear as I struggle to hold strong until after he leaves. After he’s gone I will break down, pick myself up, and make this the fastest damn nine months of my life.

  Riley reaches out for it, but I shake my head. He must understand my reasoning behind my need to do this. Me securing his helmet on his head is my way of solidifying that I can handle this lifestyle. That I can see my man off and have every bit of faith in him, his fellow soldiers, his training, and know that he will make it back to me.

  After he’s fully suited up, Riley slings his weapon over his shoulder. “It’s time, babe,” he says, his voice somber with the fact that we are about to say goodbye.

  As I nod, the tears renew their efforts and begin to fall and Riley takes my hand in his. I walk on his right while Jen walks on his left. Our fingers are woven together and I cling to his arm as we walk what feels like the green mile. Approaching the open hangar doors, we’re in a sea of people crying, saying their goodbyes, and Riley stops me. He turns to me, cupping my cheeks in his hands. “You can’t follow me out there, babe,” he whispers.

  Tears fall by the dozens, blurring my vision and I stand there nodding furiously. I hold my breath in hopes of controlling the pain searing through me. Riley wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me into him. My arms bind around his waist as the first sob escapes me. I hug him tighter as if I’m trying to crawl inside him. “Don’t go, please,” I sob out. “Don’t go,” I beg.

  My shoulders shake and my chest heaves under his hold. I tried controlling my emotions. I tried to be strong. I just can’t anymore. Riley tries to pull back, but I hold on tighter.

  “Babe, I have to go,” he whispers into my hair.

  I nod, surrendering to the fact that I have no other choice but to let him leave. Grudgingly, I release my hold on him. I look up at him and in his eyes is the same pain I feel reflecting back at me.

  “I love you so much,” he whispers as he cups my face in his hands again. His thumbs brush back and forth against my cheekbones as he stares at me with love and adoration. “I will be back. Move into our house so we can really start a life together when I come home to you.”

  I nod and grab his face in my hands and pull his lips down on mine. I kiss him with everything I have in me. We pour every amount of emotion we can into this one kiss.
Every word that we might not be able to say, but feel goes into this one last passionate kiss.

  “I love you and I’ll be here waiting for you in our house,” I mumble out around our fused lips. “Come back safe to me,” I croak out.

  Riley nods as he starts to pull away from me, but decides to lean in for one last kiss.

  I almost forgot to tell him. “I wrote you a letter. It’s in your right breast pocket, but don’t read it until you’re on the plane,” I whisper as he pulls back.

  Our eyes connect one last time as he turns to Jen. Riley wraps his arms around her and I watch a couple of stray tears fall from her eyes.

  They disengage from their mutual hug and Riley takes a step back from us. He looks out at the flight line, knowing he needs to leave, but looks back at me, torn by not wanting to go.

  “Candace has something for you from me. Get it from her. I love you, babe,” he whispers before giving me one last chaste kiss. As he pulls back, I watch a solitary tear fall from his eye before he nods, and then turns and walks away.

  Once I see him cross the threshold of the hangar across the flight line, my knees buckle and I crumble to the floor below. Two sets of arms wrap around me as I cry. I cry because the uncertainty of what happens when people are deployed. I cry because I had to watch the love of my life walk away. I cry because I don’t want him to go, but know there is nothing I can do about it.

  After a couple minutes of ugly crying, I look up to see Jen and Candace both wearing the same expressions. Both of their eyes are swollen and red from crying. All three of us sniffle back our tears at the same time, causing us to laugh out. I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand and sit there looking back and forth between my two best friends. “Riley said you have something for me?”

  Candace nods and reaches into her purse and pulls out two white envelopes. “I was told to tell you that this leaving part,” she waves her hand around the hangar, “is the hardest part.” She places the first envelope in my hand. “Riley asked that I give you this one first.”