Winter Hopes (Seasons of Love)

by Jennifer Gracen

  “So just tell her that,” Everett said. “Tell Hailey thanks but no thanks, I’m busy, talk to you soon. That’s all. The way you two are, it’s a no strings deal, so she’ll be fine.”

  Sam glanced at John, who was oddly quiet. “You don't agree. Go on. Say what you’re thinking.”

  John raised an eyebrow and ran his hands through his thinning blonde hair. “I don’t know if you should cut Hailey off just yet,” he said slowly. “I mean, I get that you like Lydia, and you’re trying to start something, but what if it doesn’t work out? Hailey is here, and available, and has never made any demands on you. It's been perfect. It’s not like she’s your girlfriend, and it’s not like Lydia is either. I just think you still might want to keep your options open. Don't get rid of her just yet.”

  Sam exhaled deeply, the air whooshing out of him. He rubbed his jaw in his typical gesture of apprehension. “I know, it just… wow, I admit it, it doesn’t feel right. It really doesn't.” He grabbed his bottle with a jerk of frustration and took another hard swig.

  “Alright, here—devil’s advocate,” Everett said, leaning in on his elbows. He fixed Sam with a penetrating gaze. “Turn it around. If you found out tomorrow that Lydia has been seeing another guy and didn’t tell you. Said she has no emotional attachment, no commitment, was just sleeping with someone and that's it. When you found out, would you think, ‘Hey, that’s fair, she had a life before she met me, I can’t say anything.’ Or would you be pissed off and bent because she hadn’t mentioned it? Would you be okay with her seeing someone else right now?”

  Sam’s expression grew contrite as he admitted, “I know what I should say—the first choice. But it’s not true. I’d be really bent. I’d hate it, actually. I’d feel played. And to think of her with someone else… no. Just no.”

  “Wow,” John marveled. “You’re in it deep, brother.”

  “I think you just answered your own question,” Everett said, leaning back in his chair.

  Sam nodded slowly. “Yeah. Thanks.”

  ***

  “You are just the sweetest little man ever!” Jane cooed, kneeling down in front of her nephew to kiss his cheek. “I love your costume, you look so great!”

  Andy smiled up at his aunt. “Yah yah.”

  “Turn around, hon, I’ll take a picture,” Tyler told his wife. Jane did as he said and coaxed Andy, “Smile at Uncle Tyler! Say cheese!”

  “Eeeeee,” Andy said, smiling widely.

  “Mooooom,” Sophie called from her room, “I can’t find my waaand!!”

  “Check the playroom,” Jane yelled back as she stood.

  Lydia came in with Ethan. “Costume nightmare averted. The wings are fixed.”

  Ethan, dressed as Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story, ran to his younger cousin. Andy was dressed as Woody, his counterpart. They giggled and jumped up and down, excited.

  Tyler clicked a picture of them on his digital camera. “Go on, get with the boys,” he said to Jane and Lydia. “I’ll get a picture of all four of you.”

  “I’d love that,” Lydia said gratefully. She and her sister crouched down next to their sons, and the four of them smiled up at Tyler.

  “Got it,” Tyler said. “Let me take another just in case.” He snapped again.

  “I want that one by tomorrow morning,” Lydia told him. “Please?”

  “No problem,” he assured. “I’ll do you one better—I’ll email it to you tonight.”

  “Are we almost ready?” Jane called out. “We’re gonna get going in two minutes.”

  “Coming,” Cooper yelled as he barreled down the stairs.

  “I can’t find my wand!” Sophie screamed.

  “I’ll go help her look for it,” Tyler said, leaving the living room as Cooper entered it.

  “What do you think?” Cooper asked his mother and aunt, holding up his arms in what he thought to be a frightening pose. Dressed as a rotting skeleton, with black and white paint all over his face, he gave his best scary face.

  “Um… pretty spooky,” Lydia said with a laugh.

  “Well, he’s nine now,” Jane said. “This might be his last year trick or treating. Next year he’ll be too cool to get costumed up and come out with us.”

  “Am I scary?” Cooper asked. “Am I freaking you out?”

  “Totally, dude,” Jane assured her older son.

  The doorbell rang.

  “Trick or treaters!” Ethan cried. He and Andy started jumping up and down again.

  “I’ll get it,” Lydia said, heading for the door. She went to it and swung it open wide; her ex-husband stood before her. Her face fell in disappointment.

  “Well, that alone was almost worth the trip,” Matt said with a dark laugh. “What a look.”

  Lydia recovered quickly. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

  “You said I could.”

  “Yes, I did.”

  Matt glanced at his watch. “Two o’clock. Right on time. Isn’t that what you said?”

  Lydia nodded and pressed her lips together so hard they hurt. She moved aside for him to enter the house. He smirked at her obvious discomfort, but as he stepped inside, Jane and the boys came into the foyer. The smirk slid right off his face as Jane coldly appraised him. He’d always been slightly intimidated by her, and since he and Lydia had separated, Jane had not held back, showing how she truly felt about him, especially right to his face. She often made him feel defensive and off kilter, and she clearly liked that. So did Lydia, although she'd never admit it.

  “You came,” Jane said flatly, her disapproval evident.

  “Hello, Jane,” Matt said. “I was invited.” He looked away from her down to the three boys. “Hey, guys! Great costumes!”

  “Dada!” Andy shrieked with joy. He ran into his father’s arms.

  Matt picked him up, kissed his face, and hugged him tightly. “You look great, buddy! Bet you’re surprised to see me, huh? I’m gonna come trick or treating with you guys.”

  “Yay!” Ethan cried happily. “Uncle Matt’s coming with us!”

  Lydia went to the kitchen without a word. Her hands were ice cold. Rubbing them together, she picked up her camera from where she’d left it on the table and shoved it into her coat pocket. She walked across the room to the drawer where Jane always stashed mints and packs of gum. After rummaging through it, she chose a blue pack of Trident, took two pieces, and popped them into her mouth. She chewed the gum with hard, grinding motions.

  “You okay?” Tyler asked from the kitchen doorway.

  Lydia turned to him with a fake smile. “Sure.”

  “Right.” He walked across the room to his sister-in-law. He held her shoulders, looked down at her, and said quietly, “He can only ruin today if you let him. Don’t let him.”

  Lydia nodded with what she hoped seemed like resolution. “I know.”

  “We got your back, babe,” Tyler said, and gave her a quick hug. “Come on, I found the stupid wand, the fairy princess is ready to go, all the kids are ready. Let’s go get some candy.”

  “Thanks, Ty,” Lydia murmured. He winked and led her back out to the foyer.

  It was a perfect day for trick or treating. The sky was a pale blue, the temperature hovered around sixty degrees, and the soft winds that blew were cool but not cold. Leaves of rust and gold fluttered down from the trees, falling lightly on people as they walked up and down the sidewalks. The sweet noises of children laughing and calling out to each other echoed along the streets.

  At one point, a huge yellow leaf sailed down and fell right on Lydia’s head. She smiled as she reached up to grab it, studying its edges and lines. It made her think of Sam. The first time they’d really talked, sitting together in the garden, a leaf like this—almost the same exact shade of yellow—had floated down towards them… Sam had reached up and caught it easily, then held it out to her, offering it to her like a present. She smiled to herself as she recalled the endearing look on his face, the way his warm brown eyes had twinkled with amusement…
>
  She handed Jane her camera and asked for a picture of her holding the leaf. Jane gave her a puzzled look, but did what her sister asked.

  The afternoon didn’t turn out to be as bad as Lydia had imagined it would be. Matt was on his best behavior. He was quiet, but not morose, smiled at all the kids often, and made an actual effort to be a part of the group. He and Lydia barely spoke, but they took turns holding Andy’s hand, and the other parent would dutifully snap pictures. Jane wasn’t overly friendly to Matt, but for civility’s sake she was courteous to him in front of the children. Always easygoing Tyler chatted with Matt about neutral topics like baseball and business. The four children were seemingly oblivious to any tension, too caught up in their Halloween activities as they made their way around the neighborhood.

  By five o’clock, they were all exhausted. They headed back to the Aronson house to get off their feet and look through all the loot. “We’ll order pizza for dinner,” Jane announced as they reached the front steps. The kids all cheered. She turned to Matt and said coolly, “You’re welcome to stay for dinner, if you like.”

  “Thank you,” Matt said, “but I’m actually gonna get going soon. You’ve been more than gracious already. Thanks anyway.”

  Jane arched an eyebrow at him. “You’re welcome.” She turned away to follow her husband and help usher the kids into the house.

  “Lydia, wait,” Matt said, reaching for her arm before she could go inside. “Can we talk for a minute?”

  Lydia’s insides automatically tensed up. She’d almost been relaxed, but that feeling quickly disappeared with Matt’s sudden request. She went and closed the heavy front door almost all the way, leaving it open a crack so they wouldn’t be locked out. She turned back to Matt and crossed her arms over her chest. “What is it?”

  “I, uh…” Matt shuffled his feet and crossed his arms too. “I appreciate your inviting me to come along today, letting me go with you all and be with Andy. I really do. Thanks.”

  Floored, Lydia managed, “You’re welcome.”

  They stood in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds.

  “Is that all?” Lydia asked.

  “No.” Matt sighed, ran his hands through his light brown hair in an uneasy gesture, then crossed his arms again. “This was… decent, right? We all managed to get along. It wasn’t horrible.”

  Lydia swallowed hard as she admitted, “Yes. It was decent.”

  “Lyddie, we’re going to have to get used to this. We’re officially divorced now. This is how it’s going to be from now on. For the rest of Andy’s life. We have to be able to do these things, to get through them, for his sake. Don’t you think?”

  She stared at Matt in disbelief. “Yes, of course. I’ve said that to you a thousand times. But this is the first time you've agreed with me. I’ve never heard you be so… level headed about it before. You always snipe at me.”

  “You snipe right back,” he said quickly. “And I’m sure we’ll continue to do our share of that too. But we can try not to in front of Andy. I don’t want that. I… since the day we signed the papers, I’ve been thinking about things you’ve said, about us getting along for his sake. And you’re right. Okay? I admit it, you’re right about all of that. And I don’t want to miss holidays, or make myself nuts knowing we’ll have to be in the same room for something, for the rest of his life. It’s too hard. It takes too much energy. We're both free of each other now, for the most part. So we can both go on and be… better. I'm trying to keep all that in mind. I’m trying here, Lydia.”

  She gaped at him, truly stunned speechless.

  Matt shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “You and I weren’t good together anymore. He shouldn’t have to pay for that. I want to be a good father to Andy, that's all. It's like you always said, he's what matters. Is that so hard for you to believe, that I want us to be able to be civil in front of him?”

  “Since I’ve been asking you for exactly that, for a long time? Yes, a little bit,” Lydia said in a hard tone. “Sorry, but yeah, it's hard to believe. It's coming out of nowhere.”

  Matt nodded. “I know. I get that. Look, I’m not saying ‘let’s be friends.’ You don’t like me, and I don’t like you. I’m sure there will still be plenty of fights in our future.”

  Lydia shivered involuntarily. Matt had never said anything like that so openly before, much less in such a calm, even tone.

  Matt coughed before saying, “I’m just telling you I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I agree with you on that one point: Andy comes first. And he’s seen enough of us being ugly to each other. We can keep that away from him. Or, we can try, anyway. I’m saying I’ll try harder on my end. Okay?”

  “That would be great,” Lydia said quietly. “Thank you. I will too.”

  Matt nodded again, then looked at her almost cautiously. “Can I ask something else?”

  Lydia balled her icy hands into fists underneath her arms. “Sure.”

  “When Andy slept over, when you went to Connecticut… it was really nice to have him for that long a time. To put him to bed, to wake up to him… I missed being with him like that. I didn't even realize how much until he was there, waking up with me,” Matt said. He kicked aimlessly at a pebble on the porch. “I know we already worked out the agreements and terms and everything, but I thought I’d ask anyway. Can I have him sleep over once a month? I’d love to take him for a sleepover every other weekend, but I’m sure you don’t want to give me that much. So I’ll ask for one weekend a month. Would you at least think about it?”

  Lydia stared at Matt. He’d never been this rational and this decent to her, not from the day she’d told him she wanted him to leave. “I'm sorry, I have to admit it, I'm stunned. What brought all this on?” she asked. “I have to know.”

  “I told you. I miss my son.” Matt stared back at her, meeting her doubtful gaze. “He’s my only child. He’s probably the only kid I’ll ever have. I don’t want to miss his growing up. And since I live so close, there’s no reason for me to. I want to be a part of his life. And that’ll be easier if you and I get along. So I want to try. That’s it. Is that really so hard for you to believe?”

  Lydia looked at Matt’s face—the face she used to know so well, a face that now seemed to belong to a stranger. His pale blue eyes implored her. Matt had been a terrible husband, but a half-decent father, in spite of his many shortcomings. She could give him that much. She knew how deeply he loved Andy.

  She finally said in a quiet voice, “No. It’s not so hard to believe. It’s just surprising to hear you say it.” She pressed her lips together as a thought occurred to her. Her eyes brightened. “I tell you what,” she said. “I’m going into the city next weekend to meet… a friend. For the day. On Saturday.”

  “Who, Melanie?” Matt asked.

  “Yeah,” she lied. “And it’s going to be a long day for me, probably both lunch and dinner. Jane was going to take Andy for the day… but what if we tried a sleepover again? You could pick him up early on Saturday morning, and bring him back home Sunday around dinner time. Would you want to do that?”

  “Yes,” Matt said eagerly. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

  “Okay. Then we’ll do that. And if it goes well… we’ll talk about taking it from there. We’ll see. Alright?”

  “Yeah, alright.” Matt gazed at her and said earnestly, “Thank you.”

  She nodded. Shrieks from inside came through the small crack in the open door. “Sounds like they’re going through the candy,” she said. “Let’s go in.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  SAM SAT DOWN at his computer to check his email. It had been a quiet but productive Sunday. He’d started off with his run, as he did early every morning, then gone to the gym for some light weight training. He only did that twice a week since he'd gotten the promotion. After a shower, he’d taken care of a few errands, then decided to take advantage of the lovely autumn day and gone to the park. He’d stayed there for hours, reading the book he’d star
ted earlier that week.

  He took in the crisp air and colorful foliage from his park bench, and watched families around him enjoying picnics, activities, games—parents and children enjoying being together. He felt the tiny pang, as he had been more and more over the past year. Scenes like this reminded him that he was now thirty-five and without a family of his own. He watched the families around him wistfully, noting their closeness and listening to the conversations, and found himself wondering for the thousandth time what a child of his and Chelsea’s might have looked like.

  After about four hours, he’d finished reading the book, so he’d headed home to check his email, have some dinner, and maybe watch some football or a movie.

  Once home, Sam sat at his computer desk as he listened to two messages on his voice mail—work intruding, even late on a Sunday afternoon. He sighed. He put his cell phone aside and sipped the beer he’d opened. When he brought the monitor to life, he was glad to see there weren’t too many emails waiting for him. In his personal account, the inbox was never overloaded the way his work email always was. A few jokes from John and Everett, a hello email from Alec, an email from Paige with pictures of the kids attached… he noticed an email from Lydia, sent earlier that day, and smiled as he clicked on that one first.

  Hi Sam,

  Hope you’re having a good weekend. Thought I’d send you a few pictures from trick or treating yesterday. We had a great day.

  Call me in the afternoon if you’re around. Matt has Andy with him (as he does every Sunday) so I’ll be free to talk. I’m going out in the morning, but will be home reading all afternoon…