Spring

by David Szalay

  He had started his speech when she sat down in the pub. (He told her to wait outside for a few minutes, then follow him in.) He had a mic in his hand. The music had been turned off. There was a tolerant silence. The first words she heard were—­‘… but it wouldn’t be nothing without you lot. I mean that. Every last one of you. Some might be more important than others, but every job matters. Even yours Piers.’ Laughter. And in the short turbulence of the merriment did he wink at her? The moment passed so quickly. And then he was saying, ‘I’m a sentimental old bugger…’ When he said that, she smiled secretly at the floor, thinking of the extra £100 she had found when she transferred the money from her pants to her pocket.

  The speech went on for some time—­the thick end of half an hour. And it was hard to say when it happened, but at some point it seemed to metamorphose from a speech of thanks and welcome—­thanks for the support and welcome to the party—­into something else. The phrase ‘European superstate’ made the first of several appearances. He said something about ‘as long as we live in an independent nation.’ He said, ‘I’ve nothing against foreigners, as most of you know last summer we had a French lad in the stables…’ Towards the end there was some light-­hearted heckling.

  When it was finally over and the music was on again, Frank Moss, who had had a lift from Huntingdon in the front of the horse transport, took him aside. ‘Top speech,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah, ta, Mossy…’

  ‘We have got to introduce you to Nigel. Listen, there’s a meeting in Eastbourne in a few weeks—­how about then? And what about being on the platform? You’ll have to say a few words. Alright?’

  ‘What do you mean a few words?’ Simon said, watching suspiciously as Dermot, one of the lads from the yard, went over to where Kelly was sitting and started to talk to her.

  ‘If we’re serious about this,’ Mossy said, ‘you need more profile. They love you here. That’s obvious. You’d be a shoo-­in here…’

  ‘Well most of em work for me…’

  ‘This is where you start from,’ Mossy whispered excitedly. ‘This is your heartland. Everyone in politics needs a heartland, Si. It’s step by step. You start small, then you take the next step. Eastbourne, Sunday second of April. Put it in the diary.’ Then he said quietly, ‘Everything okay with the stewards?’

  ‘Yeah I think so,’ Simon muttered. ‘I hope so.’

  The Huntingdon stewards had had him in. They had had some questions for him about the mare. Standing there with young Tom, he had said that yes, she had shown striking improvement on previous form, he did not know why—­perhaps it was the onset of spring?—­and he wanted to be as helpful as possible with their inquiries. When the stewards said they wanted to speak to the owners, he said that since they weren’t expecting her to win, unfortunately they weren’t there. Then Francis Moss stepped in to testify that that very morning Mr Miller had told him he didn’t think the horse had any hope of winning. The stewards said they would look into the matter. ‘Okay,’ Simon said. ‘And if you have any questions just…’ With his thumb and little finger he mimed a phone.

  There is a lock-­in, obviously. The Plough, with its horse-­brasses and low beams, is still quite full at two.

  *

  In the early evening, with unprecedented promptness, Freddy had paid James the £5,000 he owed him for his share in the mare in the form of a novel-­sized wad of £20 notes, which they proceeded to leave in a thick trail through the West End, finally picking up a flock of skimpily dressed Norwegian girls in a Mayfair nightclub. Two taxis whisked them all to Chelsea, where Freddy was their host.

  The tall eighteenth century townhouse in which Freddy lives is not, of course, his own. Impressive from the outside—­spilling out of the taxis onto Cheyne Walk the Norwegian ladies were palpably excited by its size and splendour—­it is less promising once you step through the front door. Freddy’s landlord Anselm inherited it in the Eighties in a leaky, mouldering state, and has since done absolutely nothing to it. The whole place smells mustily of dust and wet plaster. Inside, Freddy starts showing off at the piano, and while the others surround him or slip off to explore the house—­naughty laughter in the unlit stairwells—­James finds himself on the smaller of the sofas with twenty-­two-­year-­old Maia, who had been taking a touchingly obvious interest in him from the start. (At one point she had placed his hands on her sparrowy diaphragm—­what had that been about?) He is very drunk. Things have started sliding around, not least his voice, and she is sitting on his knee and kissing him. Her strong little tongue is moving in his mouth as they slide down onto the seat of the sofa. There, out of sight of the others, she whispers, ‘I have a fiancé. Hic! In Norway. So we’ll just have a one night stand. Okay?’ In spite of the hiccups, she starts kissing him again, more forcefully, holding his head with her hands.

  There is no shortage of empty rooms in the huge house. There are rooms overlooking the Thames. There are rooms overlooking the tops of mature trees. There are rooms full of antique furniture. There are rooms with four-­poster beds…

  ‘No,’ he says, prising her off him. ‘No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’ He touches her nose and smiles. ‘I’m sorry.’ She says nothing, and for a few minutes they just lie there on the sofa. Then she stands up and joins the others at the piano. She seems sad, and watching her he wonders whether he should have taken her upstairs and fucked her in one of the four-­poster beds. He wonders whether he wants to do that—­does he want to do that?

  He is still watching her and wondering when the door opens and Anselm is there in a satin duvet of a dressing-­gown, his soft white hair askew, squinting in the light.

  ‘Fréderic,’ pronounced the French way, ‘would you mind keeping it down?’ he says petulantly from the threshold. ‘Please.’

  He seems overwhelmed and flustered by the sight of all those Nordic limbs, those laughing aquamarine eyes, those white-­blonde heads. (Though Maia and one or two of the others are dark.) Immediately playing a kind of fanfare—­tan-­tada-­tan-­tada-­TA—­Freddy says, ‘Ladies, this is my landlord. Won’t you join us, Anselm?’

  Though the massed ladies are making him shy, one thing Anselm does not seem is surprised. This is the sort of thing he expects from Fréderic; indeed it is the sort of thing that Fréderic encourages him to expect. Anselm is under the impression that his tenant is an international playboy of princely lineage, and though he would never admit it, he is flattered just to be involved in the life of such a person, and to be thought of as a friend by him. He loves telling his other friends about ‘the prince.’ To them, he patronises him. ‘He’s a drunken sod,’ he says, showing off. ‘On the other hand, he is quite a laugh to have around.’ Except at times like this—­perhaps twice a week. ‘Just keep it down, please,’ he mutters. ‘It is four o’clock.’

  *

  Slumped over the wheel of the Range Rover, Simon has to shut one eye to see anything at all. He sang the last number—­ ‘I did it myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaway’—­ to the empty pub. Then, still mumbling the words of ‘My Way,’ he stumbled out into oodles of moonlight. The moon was queasily full. In the kitchen he tries to work out how much money there is in the envelope. The problem is he has to hold each note at arm’s length to see what it is and even then they are just fuzzy oblongs. It was his intention to watch the video of the two o’clock at Huntingdon a few times. When he has a winner he tends to watch the video a few times. There was… something very nice… about watching the video… when you knew… when you knew you were… If only, he sometimes thought… If only… If only…

  *

  James wakes up on a musty four-­poster with early morning light pouring in through the windows. He is fully dressed. He looks at his watch—­ it is eight o’clock and he has not slept more than a few hours. For a minute or two he just sits on the edge of the bed, feeling like a Victorian ghost in the tall, thickly ivied house. The sound of trees swishing in the wind, otherwise total silence. He has things to do.
He has to walk Hugo for one thing. It is turning into a habit, spending the night away from home and leaving poor Hugo to tough it out. He must stop doing that. In his jacket pocket he finds his wallet. Sitting on the edge of the four-­poster, listening to the swishing trees, he opens it. There is less than £4,000 in there. Ergo yesterday he spent more than £1,000 on a night out. Under the circumstances, that was perhaps unwise. Oh well. He pulls on his hard leather shoes.

  On his way out, he looks into Freddy’s room. It is as he thought. There are two people in the bed, two heads on the pillows—Freddy’s half-­bald head and a head of dark hair. He heard them. They were so uninhibitedly loud they woke him from his dead drunk sleep. He shuts the door and tiptoes down the stairs. It was a prurient thing for him to do, to look, and he wishes he hadn’t. Somehow, though, it upsets him slightly that Freddy had the one night stand with Maia. He is not jealous. It is not that. (He is pleased that he did not sleep with her himself—­he would have felt terrible, terrible, if he had.) No, it is a matter of piqued vanity. He had thought that she liked him, specifically him, when in fact she just wanted to get laid.

  Piqued vanity. He walks out into the early morning light. The London light, flat and plain on London streets.

  Vanity of vanities, all is vanity

  * * *

  She has just never been very moved by his love, that was the thing. It left her unmoved. On her way home on Monday night, she had thought of that weekend in February when they went to see his horse.

  They left London late on Saturday morning and were at the stables by two. James seemed disappointed that the trainer himself wasn’t there. They were met instead by a tall, lean, middle-­aged, innocent-­looking man—­James introduced him as Piers—­who emerged from a Portakabin and hailed them as they stood there under the snowladen sky. The stables were very miserable that Saturday afternoon. Some sort of liquid trickled along a spillway. The smells were intense—­the smells of horse-­piss, of manure, of mouldy straw. The doors of the stalls were all shut; from some of them came a quiet whickering as they passed. They stopped at one of them and finally taking his hands out of his pockets—­he was wearing a husky and finger­less gloves—­Piers drew back the bolts. He had a tangle of old tack under his arm. He went in with it and emerged a minute later (the visitors stood shivering outside) with the horse on a halter. She had what looked like a filthy old duvet over her.

  ‘See, she’s looking super,’ he said.

  James patted the solid flank of the horse’s neck and, smiling proudly, encouraged her to do the same.

  ‘How old is she?’ she asked.

  ‘Five… ?’ James said. ‘She’s five isn’t she?’

  Piers just nodded, smoking.

  ‘Five. Isn’t she lovely?’

  Lovely? Yes, okay. ‘M-­hm,’ she said. She found it touching, his pride in this horse—­and she seemed like a perfectly nice horse, if slightly odd looking. Thickly mottled, with a whiskery lower lip, the liquid hemisphere of her eye fixed on an ice-­filmed puddle. The way she stood there so patiently, only her ears moving, made Katherine think of the horses in Tarkovsky’s Andrei Rublev—­those mute, unjudging witnesses of the human scene. Quietists. The perfection of some kind of monastic ideal. Leaving James to stroke the mare’s nose, she looked into the stall. It was a musty, humid hole. She shuddered at the thought of spending a night in there.

  The first isolated snowflakes were touching down in the mud and in the horse’s tough mane. James was feeding her an apple. He had had it in his pocket all the way from King’s Cross. He seemed delighted with the way her teeth and lips went at the fruit. They sheared off a whole half of it, sluicing juice everywhere. Then she lowered her huge head to pluck the second half from the unspeakable mud at their feet.

  ‘Okay?’ Piers said.

  They turned down his offer of tea and went for a drink in the pub in the village. The Plough. Seven stars on the sign. The village was not much of a place, especially on a day like that. The pub was nice enough though. There was a fire, and they sat at the inglenook table.

  Suddenly it was night-­time, and the pub was quite full. James saw someone he seemed to know—­a very slight man with skin of translucent whiteness, legs like tongs and some front teeth missing. He went over to speak to him. ‘Jockey,’ he explained. ‘Tom.’

  ‘Tom?’

  ‘Piers’s son.’

  ‘Oh.’

  He said impulsively, ‘Why don’t we spend the night somewhere near here?’

  For a few seconds she said nothing. She was not sure whether she wanted to do that. With a faint smile, she examined his face, her eyes seeming to move from feature to feature. ‘Like where?’ she said.

  An old-­fashioned hotel in Cambridge.

  And it was in that hotel, lying on a squidgy mattress, with a scalpel of moonlight dissecting the drapes, that he said, ‘I think I’m in love with you.’

  And what did she say? First she sighed. She sighed as if she wished he hadn’t said it. Then, when several frozen seconds had elapsed, she said, ‘I can’t say the same, James. I can’t say the same.’ There was a long silence. She knew she had hurt him. It frightened her that he should say he was in love with her—­or that he thought he was. It made her wonder worriedly what she was doing there, in that fusty hotel in Cambridge—­which was probably why she then whispered, her voice making a plume of vapour in the moonlight…

  He just doesn’t understand her, she thought, standing on the mountainous up-­escalator at Angel station, her face tiredly empty of expression. He doesn’t understand her. No more than she understands him. She thought of those words of Saint Paul’s, the ones you hear at weddings. They were heard at her own wedding. Then will I know truly, even as I am truly known… She thinks of those words, which unfailingly put a film of emotion on her eyes, as expressing a kind of ideal love. The idea of knowing, of being known. There is just no sense of that here. He does not know her. He does not understand her. He has no instinct for her. That was obvious, she pointed out to herself as she stepped off the escalator, from the start. On one of the first nights they spent together, she found herself lying there lightlessly. ‘Are you awake?’ she said. She had to say it several times, sitting over him. Finally he moved. ‘Are you awake?’ He mumbled something. He sounded as if he was under massive sedation. She sighed and made a sharp movement under the duvet. ‘I don’t feel we’re together,’ she said. ‘I feel very separate from you.’ And then, a few moments later, ‘I feel lonely. Did you hear me?’

  He said, ‘I…’

  There was a long silence.

  ‘Please hug me,’ she said.

  With what seemed to be a huge effort, he turned over and took her heavy warmth in his arms. He kissed her somewhere on her head. ‘Don’t feel lonely,’ he murmured. He squeezed her. ‘You shouldn’t feel lonely…’

  ‘We’re just not together,’ she said then, sitting up. ‘I don’t feel I’m really with you. And you don’t know how to make me feel okay.’

  He did not seem to know what she was talking about. He said, ‘What do you mean?’ She threw her head onto the pillow. ‘What do you mean?’ he said, sounding more awake. She was staring into the darkness. ‘What do you mean we’re not together? I don’t know what you mean when you say that…’

  ‘That’s the problem! You don’t understand.’

  Sometimes—­usually when the sleepy sensation of skin touching skin seems of itself to hold some sort of mute insufficient promise—­she still hopes that he might somehow start to under­stand her. The trouble is, she is unable to help feeling that it just doesn’t work like that—­that if he does not understand her instinctively then trying is pointless, even if it were possible. It just makes the whole situation seem so arbitrary—­and if it seems arbitrary how is she to have faith in it? Why him, in other words? Why not someone else?

  For instance, she had found herself looking at Jonathan tonight and wondering, his status as an ex notwithstanding, whether he might not suit her
more than James. She enjoys him. She enjoys his wit, his warmth, his sophisticated friends. He was, and evidently still is, successful. Tonight was the launch party of some novel he is publishing and he treated her like a VIP, spent too much time talking to her, introduced her to some famous people… They were together for several years when she worked in publishing. It might easily have led to marriage, to white-­stuccoed nook. She ended it—­suddenly, shattering his heart—­when she found that she was not sure that she was in love with him. She still sees the shy hope in his eyes, and when she saw it tonight she wondered whether she had been wrong to decline in him the sort of sociable life among the upper London intelligentsia that she had always imagined for herself. It was then, when she ended it with him, that she left publishing to pursue her idea of a small hotel somewhere near the sea. Would that make her happy? That was what it was supposed to do. Letting herself into the flat, she thought of a story Jonathan had told her once. Madame De Gaulle is being interviewed by the BBC shortly after her husband’s death. She is asked what she is looking forward to now, and says what sounds in her French accent unmistakably like, ‘A penis.’

  Summer was out. The stripped wood floor of the hall was littered with shoes. Tipsily searching the fridge, she wondered—­Jonathan still vaguely in her mind—­whether she had just expected too much. Was she just mistaken to have supposed that she had to be sure? That only sure would do? Had she thrown away a perfectly nice and happy life—­white-­stuccoed nook etc.—­for that mistaken idea? And if so, how had she found herself possessed of such an idea? Well, that was obvious, she thought, eating a slice of Parma ham. It was everywhere. It was one of the most pervasive ideas of the society in which she lived, one of its main articles of faith, one of the most obsessively visited subjects of its art. We just wouldn’t leave off it.