Moving Forward

by Davis, Lisa Marie

  “James—”

  “I never knew you as anything more than a man who looked at me and saw the biggest mistake he had ever made.” Hating the tears that burned my eyes, I looked away from him. “I sucked at every sport, and I wasn’t… I wasn’t the son you dreamed about having. You resented me for that, and I spent years feeling like a failure. A fuck-up. I spent a lot of years telling myself I hated Payne because he was what you wanted in a son, but then you found out he was gay too, and I finally realized that even if I had been some All-American Athlete, you would have still been disappointed and hateful the moment you found out that I was homosexual.”

  Annoyed with myself, I brushed at my eyes and turned back to my father, to find he was looking at me. For the first time in years, he was looking directly at me, and for the very first time ever, he looked at me like he saw me.

  “You’re right.” His voice was strong and clear, and I realized in that moment that some of the lifelong walls my father had lived behind were crumbling. “After… after Payne left me, at Griffin’s, I realized a lot of what he said was stuff people had said before, and… well, I went home and changed, and then I went down to one of those AA Meetings down at Lincoln Community Center.”

  I had a feeling making that admission—that he had attended an AA Meeting and thereby accepted that he needed actual help—hadn’t been easy for him, and that made it all the more impressive. And shocking. But it was a step, a major step, in what I hoped would prove the right direction, and I really wanted to tell him that, but I found words had suddenly decided to fail me, and all I could do was wait to hear what he intended to say next.

  “They said a lot that made sense and… and yeah, I do have a problem when it comes to drinking.”

  “Does that mean you’re serious about the AA Meetings and getting some help for your problem?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I’m serious. Doubt it will be easy.”

  “No, I suspect it won’t, but you owe it to yourself and Mom to get yourself together, and you owe it to Ava’s memory, and I’m thinking Aubrey deserves a sober grandfather.”

  “You and Payne, Ava and Matt made you Aubrey’s guardians.”

  “They did.” And here it comes, the outrage, the disgust, the grand speech about homosexuals being abominations. “Look, Dad, it was Ava and Matt’s decision, and Payne and I might not be your choice, but I intend to honor what my sister and her husband wanted. Period. If I have to fight you to do that, I will.”

  “Jamie, I… I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you would expect the worst possible reaction from me after the way I’ve behaved toward you over the years, but the truth is, I believe Ava and Matt made a good decision.”

  “Dad…?”

  “When I was growing up, my parents attended a pretty strict church, and we lived in a small town and….” He shook his head. “Back then, I was exposed to this list of things considered wrong: divorce, sex before marriage, and… well, homosexuality was pretty high on the list of things considered immoral. It’s what I was taught—what my parents and their parents believed, and life was painted to be pretty simple, as far as what should be expected.

  “Guy finds a girl. Falls in love. Gets married.” His eyes were downcast again, staring at his coffee cup, and I didn’t interrupt because it seemed he needed to talk, and I was actually curious to hear what he had to say. “I did that. I found your mother. Fell for her and we got married and… shit, I had all these preconceived notions about what my kids would be like, and you….” He trailed off, but I knew what he was saying, that I had come along and shattered all those wonderfully preconceived notions, because I hadn’t been what he wanted in a son. Not even close. “I guess I didn’t know how to relate to you, because you were… you were just so damn different from me, and we had nothing in common, James. Nothing. You sucked at sports. I didn’t get all that artsy crap… stuff, I mean artsy stuff you were into, like theater, and it kinda freaked me out, ya know, ’cause you were my kid, and I felt like we were as different as night and day.”

  We had been; hell, we still were, but I didn’t point that fact out because really, it did seem as if he was actually trying to talk to me in an honest fashion—without being deliberately insulting and hostile—and I figured I owed it to him to respect what he was attempting, even if he wasn’t so good at it. Right? But gods, this wasn’t comfortable, and I feared that—despite his best efforts—our little father/son powwow would end in a screaming match.

  “Anyway, I didn’t know how to talk to you—”

  “You never tried.” So much for not interrupting, but hey, the facts were the facts, and there wasn’t a chance in hell I would let him sit there and sugarcoat said facts.

  “Okay. I never tried. I never made an effort.”

  “Dad—”

  “You weren’t the son I wanted. Okay? There. I said it. I’m the big, bad bastard everyone says I am, but if we’re being truthful, there’s the truth.”

  “You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.”

  “Jamie—”

  “I was a disappointment. Right? Couldn’t play ball. I was shy, nerdy, into theater and art, and then, to add insult to the great injury, I announced I was gay.”

  “Honestly? Yes. After everything else, finding out you were gay was too much for me.”

  “And it was a walk in the park for me,” I muttered.

  “I imagine not.” He had the good grace to sound sincere.

  “Look, Dad, I’m trying hard to be… well, I guess I’m trying to be open-minded and listen to what you’re trying to say, but I’ve got to say, I don’t really understand.”

  “I know. I’m not doing this well. I’m not good at admitting I’ve made mistakes, but the fact is I’ve made nothing but mistakes with you, and I’m sorry.”

  “Dad—”

  “I never gave you a chance, never gave us a chance, to have a real relationship, and I’ve said some horrible things to you—”

  “And Payne.”

  “And Payne,” he agreed. “And I’ll apologize to him, but I… damn it, James, I’ve lost one child because some other drunk drove when he shouldn’t have, and I know I lost you a long time ago because I was a jackass, but I… maybe, if you want, maybe we can try and at least become friends.”

  I had never heard my father sound so lost, so unsure of himself, and it was unsettling, but I realized he was sincerely opening up to me—and possible rejection—and despite the troubled past we shared and the anger I certainly still harbored on some level, I couldn’t do what I had always imagined I would do in this situation. I couldn’t tell him to go to hell. I couldn’t tell him to fuck off, because he was my father. Yes, he hadn’t been much of a father during my childhood, but he was here now, and he had humbled himself enough to offer a genuine apology, and he had swallowed his pride, maybe for the first time in his life.

  Choking back a sudden rush of emotion, I looked at him, and he met my eyes. “Do you mean that? Do you really want to get to know the man that I am, despite the fact I wasn’t the son you always wanted me to be when I was a kid?”

  “Your mom and Ava, they told me a lot about your life, what you’ve accomplished, and the way Payne defends you….” To my surprise, he actually smiled. “From what I’ve heard and from what I can see in front of me, you are a damn remarkable man, James, and while I know I didn’t play a decent role in helping you become that remarkable man, I do want to know you.”

  “Dad—”

  “If it’s too late—”

  “No. No, it’s not too late. Not at all.” I managed to return his smile, and he nodded, clearly uncomfortable, but we had taken some important first steps, and that was what really counted. “Why don’t we go take a look at Aubrey? She should be awake by now, and maybe she’d like to have some time with her grandfather.”

  “You’d let me spend time with her?”

  “Of course.”

  “Jamie….”

  “Aubrey lost her mom and dad,
” I reminded him gently. “She needs all the family she can get, and what family for a little girl is complete without a doting grandfather?”

  Payne

  The change in Russ, the changes he declared he was determined to make, shocked me, and when we spoke privately, I assured him I wished him luck, but I made it clear that if he did anything at all to hurt James again, he would answer to me. Period. Jamie had suffered more than enough because of Russ’s arrogance and ignorance, and it wouldn’t happen again. What’s more, we now had Aubrey to consider, and I wouldn’t expose her to bigoted poison.

  “We’re going to raise Aubrey just as Matt and Ava would have, and you know damn well they would want their daughter to be loving and compassionate.” Just as Ava had been, I added, and surprisingly, Russ agreed. While that was a relief, I was still determined to keep a close watch over his interactions with my family. And that included Emma. I no longer had contact with my own mother, and after all Emma had already endured, I felt compelled to protect her until she felt she was truly ready to deal with Russ, who told her—while Jamie and I were in the room—that they had a lot to talk about. Surprisingly, Jamie seemed to think there might be hope for his parents’ marriage.

  “My mom has put off asking for a divorce for so long,” he explained, “and if my dad is serious about getting his life together, I honestly think she’ll take him back.”

  “Does he deserve that?” I asked, because I had my doubts, but my husband just smiled.

  “Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance, especially if they are willing to work for it?”

  “You are pretty damn amazing.” I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. “But I swear to you, if your father reverts back to his old behavior, he’s gonna get his ass kicked—”

  Jamie cut off my threat with another kiss, and we went back downstairs. Once again, people dropped in, but Jamie seemed more comfortable with the influx of strangers and semi-strangers. Still, I stayed close. I suspect some thought it rather odd that I wouldn’t leave his side, but the way Jamie held my hand told me he was glad I was there, and for me, that was all that mattered.

  Knowing that the funeral would be the following day, we went to bed fairly early—after I convinced Jamie that yes, he actually did need to eat something. After we ate, we checked in on Aubrey, who was sleeping soundly.

  “I was thinking.” I whispered as we stood over the little girl’s crib while Jamie adjusted her blankets, making certain she was warm enough. “Maybe it would be good for your mother to come back to New York with us for a while. She could use a change. And yeah, your father is making an effort to get himself together, but he has to do that on his own. If Emma stays here, she’ll end up trying to ‘fix’ him, and I think past experience has taught us all that isn’t really possible.”

  “Actually, I like that idea.” He turned and looked at me. “I hate the idea of leaving her here, still grieving, with the memories that are in this house.”

  “And I think she’s the best person to help us get things set up for little Aubrey.”

  “I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow, after….” His eyes clouded over, and my heart ached for him. “Christ, I’ve been focusing on Mom, and then Dad showed up, but now there’s no way to avoid it. Tomorrow, I have to bury my sister and her husband, and I… how do I do that, Payne, when I…?” The tears were there before he could stop them, and I gathered him in my arms. I had expected a breakdown. After all he had done to assist Emma organizing the funerals and the conversation with his father, his emotional walls were crumbling. I ached for him, but there was so little I could do—the man I loved more than life was suffering, and I could only provide moral support, which sure as hell didn’t feel like much. My baby. I buried my face in his hair for a moment, and then I took his hand, and we left a sleeping Aubrey for the sanctuary of Jamie’s childhood room.

  Once inside, I closed and locked the door and turned back to Jamie, who looked so lost, so vulnerable, and all I wanted was to make him feel truly loved, because he was.

  “Come here.” Taking his hand, I tugged him into my arms and kissed him gently, teasingly, sliding my tongue into his mouth, and as always, Jamie instantly responded by pressing close and wrapping his strong arms around my neck. He tangled one hand in my hair, and I could feel the kiss becoming more frantic, fueled by the desire that always burned between us—a thousand years together would never be enough to satisfy the need I had for this beautiful, amazing man. “Love you, baby. Love you so much.” I sighed the words between kisses as we quickly undressed one another, leaving shirts and jeans, socks and underwear, scattered around us.

  Jamie had a hand wrapped around my cock instantly, and I bucked into the touch, my knees nearly buckling as we made it to the bed and lay down, side by side.

  “Make love to me, Payne,” he begged. “Please. I just want to get completely lost in you and what you make me feel every time you so much as look at me.”

  His lips covered mine again, and I rolled him onto his back while reaching for the nightstand and the lube we had left sitting there. I was painfully hard, and so was Jamie. I shivered at the feel of his cock brushing against mine as he spread his legs and quickly coated my fingers before brushing them teasingly over his delicious opening. He trembled and I smiled. Later, I would take time, precious time, to tease him more, but in that moment, we wanted and needed the same thing, me buried inside of him, giving us the blessed physical connection that matched our never-ending and utterly addictive emotional connection.

  Seconds later, I eased into him, and he wrapped long legs around me, anchoring us together as we made love, our eyes locked and holding the entire time

  Afterwards, Jamie curled into my arms and fell asleep, and I held him for a long time before my own exhaustion got the best of me, and I drifted off to sleep. I knew Aubrey would awaken in a few hours for a feeding and changing, and I had the baby monitor sitting on my side of the bed, where I hoped her fussy cries wouldn’t awaken Jamie. He would need all the rest possible. Come morning, the actual funeral for Ava and Matt would certainly be emotionally draining, and despite Russ’s sudden turnaround, I suspected Emma would lean on Jamie more than she would her estranged husband, who still had a lot of work to do to regain Emma’s trust. If he could regain it at all. I had some doubts. I agreed with Jamie that yes, people deserved a second chance, but after all Emma had already endured because of him, and after losing Ava, I feared Jamie’s mother might not have the emotional strength to cope with Russ’s recovery, which was one of the reasons I truly wanted her to come to New York. At least for a while. A few months. It would do her good, and frankly, the way I saw it, Russ needed to depend on himself as he began his recovery, rather than expecting Emma to be there, ready and willing to shoulder his burdens.

  When I awakened the next morning, Jamie was already up, and I smiled as he came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. Any other time, I would have tried to pull him back to bed. But not today. He returned my smile, but I could see the host of emotions in his eyes, and I knew the day would be long and hard for him, for everyone who loved Matt and Ava.

  “I need to get to the funeral home and make certain everything is in place before others start to arrive,” Jamie said. “And I need to talk to Mrs. Sutherland to make sure we’re set for those coming over after we finish the graveside service.” As he rambled on about everything that needed his attention, I left the bed and went to him, pulling him easily into my arms. For a moment, he tensed, but I held firm, and after a second, he relaxed and leaned against my chest while I stroked my hands down his bare back.

  “Is it wrong that I just want to fast-forward this entire day,” he went on, “and have it over and done with? I really do want to honor my sister and Matt, but I’m afraid I can’t handle this, Payne. It’s too much. I don’t know if I can get through the eulogy without falling apart and I….”

  The arms wrapped around my waist tightened, and I wanted to somehow grant his
wish, make the day fly by, but I didn’t have that power, and honestly, I knew Jamie needed this. He needed to say a proper farewell to Ava and Matt. All I could do was support him while saying my own goodbye to two precious friends.

  “If you fall apart, it’s okay, because I’ll be there to catch you. No matter what, you remember that.”

  “Payne—”

  “No one expects you to be Superman, Jamie. Okay? You’re human, and saying goodbye to someone you love is painful. You don’t have to hide that from me or anyone.”

  “Thank you.” He lifted his head and looked at me, and I fell into those beautiful eyes.

  “You don’t have to thank me, baby. Ever. I love you and I know this is going to be an agonizing day, but we’ll face it together.” I held him for a moment longer before pulling away. “I’ll shower and be dressed in about half an hour, and before you try and argue, yes, I’m going with you to the funeral home.”

  He actually seemed relieved, and I left him with a kiss on the cheek, and exactly half an hour later, we were both dressed, looking sober in dark suits. When we went downstairs, Mrs. Sutherland was already there, feeding Aubrey her morning bottle. She had offered to stay with the baby while we were at the funeral. It was one less worry. Aubrey would be safe with her. After holding and kissing the little girl, we left for the funeral home, along with Emma, who looked pale and exhausted. Jamie whispered to me that he would strongly encourage Emma to return with us to New York when the time came.

  The drive was mostly silent, and when we arrived, I sat with Emma in the lobby while Jamie spoke with the director.

  “How is Jamie?” Emma asked. “And tell me the truth, please, Payne. I know he’s hurting. He’s trying to be strong for me, but he’s… the only thing that keeps me from going crazy worrying about Jamie is knowing he has you.”

  “He’s struggling,” I admitted, “because this leaves him feeling exposed, and you know he hates being vulnerable.”