Loving Lydia (Atlantic Divide)

by Saxon, Diane

  “Well,” Lydia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, smiling desperately at Rosie and Aaron, “should we go and play in the yard?”

  “I got to go.” He stepped back, gave a lazy grin, and sauntered out of the kitchen.

  Chapter 4

  She could only hope that they would all forget about Rosie’s little revelation with time. Some hope. Bill had been absolutely fascinated, and Sam had stared at her for what seemed like forever. She didn’t want to look back at him because she was pretty sure she would see the look of distaste on his face at what she’d done to her body.

  When he’d made a move toward her, her heart had almost leaped out of her chest, but he’d walked away so easily when she’d stopped him from coming closer. He’d seemed calm about it, but she was sure it was just an act. He’d probably been revolted.

  She wasn’t ashamed. She’d had the tattoo because she loved the idea of it. She’d just turned sixteen when she had designed it herself. She’d been so good at art back then, but it was something she’d never pursued. She’d never had time. She loved her tattoo then and loved it still. She knew that it was a part of her life she would never regret.

  It had taken seven weeks to finish, and it was a work of art, but she knew how judgmental people could be. She’d been a wild child back then, but she’d never been a slut. So many people thought that if you had a tattoo, you must be a loose woman.

  She’d run away from home when she was almost seventeen so she could marry Greg. Her first and only lover. He’d claimed to love her tattoo in the beginning. Then his attitude had changed, and he started to tell her it made her a slut. He’d accused her of being unfaithful. Ironically, her mother had told her she would live to regret it. Not the tattoo, but the relationship. He’d been ten years older than her, and the only good thing to come from him was her children.

  Yesterday, Jack had made himself busy, grinning like a lunatic and then high-tailing it out of there with Bill in tow and the excuse that they needed to get to work. They probably did, but it seemed that Jack dragged Bill away before she could say anything further. Her sister had merely gazed at her with a pensive smile on her face. Since she’d become pregnant, Kate had the irritating habit of looking like the Madonna, cool, calm, and collected.

  Lydia had occupied herself with the children for the rest of the morning. When she’d taken them down to the stables for their riding lesson, Sam had been missing and Carl had seen to the twins. He never mentioned where Sam was. Lydia was too proud to ask.

  She’d been strangely disappointed and then confused by her disappointment. She’d convinced herself she didn’t ever want a man in her life again. So, why did she respond to him like this? How come she felt so attracted to him? When he came in the room, she felt her heart lighten; when he spoke to the children, she felt a strange softening inside.

  Hurt when he didn’t turn up for breakfast the next morning, she had to assume it was because of her. He did, after all, have his own house on the far side of the ranch and his own life that she knew nothing about. They normally only saw him at breakfast, after he’d already put in a few hours of work, and then afterward when the children had their riding lesson.

  More often than not, he ate with the ranch hands in the evening. Probably had a couple of beers and kicked back. When she went up to her room at night, if she opened the balcony doors, she could hear the low murmur and quiet laughter that came from the communal dining hall, the sound carrying across the planes of the ranch. Sometimes she heard the sound of a guitar and male voices singing along.

  Having made advances with every indication he was interested in her, he’d obviously realized his mistake yesterday and was back-peddling as fast as he could. The easiest way to do that was simply to avoid her for a little while.

  It was a common assumption that if you had a tattoo any larger than a silver dollar, you must be trash. It left her feeling strangely hurt he might feel that way about her, that he might already have judged her. She’d surprised herself since she’d arrived, finding that she quite enjoyed his attention.

  It seemed her children had fallen for Carl, the old hand who grumbled and growled and made them all laugh. So when Lydia took them down for their daily riding lesson, they were off like little rockets across the field to wait at the corral fence just like they’d been shown. Once again, Sam’s absence was evident, and her chest ached with a strange regret.

  Lydia sat on the fence, warmed by the early morning sunshine as she idly watched her children learn how to ride. Fascinated by the horses, she leaned forward to look a little closer. She wondered why she’d never noticed how beautiful these creatures were. Probably just time; she’d always been so wrapped up in her music that she hadn’t looked any farther afield.

  It made her wonder though, as she listened to her children’s chirpy little voices, what it would feel like to sit on a horse, touch its soft, warm coat.

  When Sam had brought the pony for the children to ride, Kate had mentioned that it was a working ranch and there were no suitable horses for learners. Lydia had felt a tug of disappointment. She imagined it would be lovely to feel the freedom of riding a horse across the miles of ranch land Sam seemed to own.

  Distracted by loud thumping noises, Lydia’s attention was caught by the sight of Sam as he led a beautiful horse down the ramp of a horsebox and around the end of the corral toward her. Dark cream with an almost-white mane and tail, Lydia sighed with pleasure at the beauty of the creature.

  Her heart kicked up a beat, and she tried to slow her rapid breathing down as Sam led the horse over to where she sat on the fence. She reached out automatically, unable to speak, and smoothed her fingers over the horse’s velvet nose. Sam seemed casual and relaxed, but she found she couldn’t look him in the eye. The man confused her and she didn’t want him to see it. She felt so stupid and petty. For the first time in years, someone had actually shown a genuine interest in her, kissed her, held her, and almost turned her to mush. Then in an instant, he’d been turned off by what he believed she had done to her body. Although she had constantly tried to remain aloof and give him the impression of being disinterested, it hurt her to think that after the sensuous flirtation that had taken place, he had walked away from her so easily.

  He was still technically her brother-in-law, and it was quite obvious that he was gentleman enough to remain polite. Maybe it was easier this way. He’d made her feel special for a short while, and now they would be friends.

  Lydia smiled as she came to terms with that idea. If he could do it, so could she.

  “She’s beautiful. I’ve never seen a horse this color before.”

  “She’s a palomino. She belongs to my mother. Gentle as a lamb.”

  The horse nuzzled into her and distracted her, its liquid brown eyes mellow and full of age-old understanding. Lydia felt an urge to lean forward and place her forehead against the horse’s face. She reached over, touched its soft ears, and watched as it nodded and then blew a breath out.

  “She’s getting impatient,” Sam said from beside her. “Perhaps you should get on and see if that makes her happy.”

  Lydia sat up straight.

  “Get on? I can’t ride.”

  “Now’s your chance to learn.”

  “You want me to learn to ride?” She couldn’t mask her confusion.

  “Only if you want to.” He looked up at her, but she tried her best to avoid eye contact. He leaned forward and took hold of her chin, turning her face toward him. He stared deep into her eyes. His were direct and probing.

  “Lydia, what’s going on?” She frowned down at him and then huffed out, making the horse jerk it’s head. Sam murmured to it; his large hard, workman’s hands stroked its neck to soothe it.

  “You confuse me,” she stated baldly.

  “I do? Why would that be?” He used the same tone as he had with the palomino—calm and patient as though she was a sweet little innocent and not the mother of twins.

  She felt so unsure of h
erself.

  She looked down and rubbed her hands across her knees.

  “I’m sorry…”

  “Do you have a reason to apologize to me?” Her head came up at his sharp tone, and she stared him right in the eye.

  “If you keep apologizing to me for nothing, I’m going to get pissed off.” Surprise had her jerk upright on the fence and pay close attention. “If you do something I don’t like, I’ll let you know. If you feel I’m right, you can apologize. I don’t know what went on in your life before, but I’m starting to get the idea.” As she opened her mouth to reply, he put his hand on top of hers.

  “Lydia, I’m going to be straight with you. I’m looking to get you naked sometime soon.” Her eyes widened at his directness and she blinked, noticing his dimple deepen as he tried not to smile. She tried to speak, but he carried on, “But I appreciate you have a history and lots of baggage. I’m trying to give you a chance by not hassling you.” His eyes never left her as she lifted her hand up to push a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

  Her hand shook, her cheeks filled with heat, and it didn’t seem to worry him one jot that he made her nervous. He touched her knee to keep her attention on him, the heat of his hand soaking through her jeans. She wriggled with embarrassment, but still he continued.

  “Lydia, I will get you naked, and I may be patient at the moment, but that’s not going to last much longer.”

  Panicked, she glanced around nervously.

  “I’m not sure you should be talking to me like that.” Her voice was weak and breathless as her gaze flicked toward her children to make sure they were out of earshot. He had the gall to grin up at her. Dimples cutting through his cheeks. A tremble of excitement skittered through her veins.

  “Sure I should. I like to talk straight. Then you know where I stand. Now are you going to get on this horse, or are we going to hang around shooting the breeze all day?”

  Before he could say any more, she slipped off the fence and walked around to the side of the horse as he directed. She placed her foot in the stirrup and pulled herself up. She felt his warm hands encircle her waist as he gave her a boost up into the saddle. He seemed reluctant to break contact, and his hand moved down her thigh and rested on her knee until she peered down into his face. He held her eyes with his own, taking a deep breath as though making a decision to continue.

  “One more thing before we move on. You need to know I have never mistreated a woman in my life, either physically or mentally. I have no intention of starting now, so you can relax.” He moved to the horse’s head and started to lead her round the corral.

  * * * *

  Lydia had pondered his words all day, so that by the time she’d put the children to bed, she’d worked herself up into a lather. He’d said he wanted her, and that had scared her. He’d said he would never hurt her, and that terrified her. It meant that he knew. He knew someone had hurt her.

  She couldn’t believe that Kate would have said anything to Sam, but she may have told Jack. Jack always treated her gently, never raised his voice to her or the children. Come to think of it, she’d never heard him raise his voice to anyone, so perhaps it ran in the family. She couldn’t help it, though, if she was wary of men. It wasn’t something she could control.

  Sam wanted her.

  She felt a thrill race through her body at the thought. He wanted her. He was gorgeous and sexy and interested. She’d not had a man pay attention to her for years. She’d never invited any attention, never noticed if someone had a passing fancy for her. Now this handsome cowboy was full-on, in her face, coming on to her. She put her hands over her cheeks and shuddered with excitement.

  What was she going to do?

  She stood in the middle of her bedroom, breathing slow and deep as her brain engaged and she thought things through.

  He knew something, but he didn’t know it all. If he did, there was no way he would pursue her. After all, who in his right mind would want anything to do with her if he knew what she had done? So, he couldn’t know very much at all.

  As thrilled as she was at the thought that Sam wanted her, she didn’t think she was being fair to him.

  It hadn’t taken long after she was married to Greg for him to start telling her she was pathetic in bed. She’d thought she was quite good, willing to try most things, provided they weren’t what she considered perverted. That’s where their problems had started. Problems that escalated with Greg’s consumption of alcohol and drugs.

  Sam might want her now, but he wouldn’t soon. When he realized just how bad she was. She paced back and forth and then made the decision. It was just after eight, and he would be down at the stables again after being out all afternoon on the range. She was going to have to let him know that he was onto a loser by chasing her. It was only fair. She couldn’t let him continue to believe she was going to have an affair with him.

  Her mind made up, Lydia raced down the stairs where her sister sat comfortably with her feet raised on a footstool.

  “Could you listen out for Aaron and Rosie for a little while for me?” she asked Kate as she passed through the lounge.

  “Sure. Where are you off to?”

  “I need to straighten something out with Sam.”

  “Really?”

  “Kate,” Lydia paced back through the room, “he’s made it clear that he’s umm … interested.” Kate’s eyebrows shot up and a smile curved her face.

  “Really?” she repeated, this time drawing the word out.

  “He can’t be.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he has no idea about me.”

  “Okay.”

  “Stop it.”

  “Stop what?”

  “That. Being patient and … and doctor-like.”

  “I am a doctor.”

  “You’re my sister. You’re supposed to be on my side.”

  “I am.” Kate sat up straight, lowered her feet to the floor, and looked at her younger sister. “Perhaps the time is right for you to forgive yourself and move forward with your own life.”

  Lydia stared at her from across the room for a moment and then shook her head firmly. “I’ll disappoint him.”

  Her sister’s look of sympathy stirred her heart. “Why don’t you let him be the judge of that?”

  Lydia shook her head and stepped backward toward the door.

  “I won’t be long.”

  As she walked out, she heard Kate’s deep sigh. “The only one who can help you, Lydia is you … unless you let Sam.”

  She had no idea what she was going to say to him. All she knew was she had to settle this with him now, otherwise she was going to suffer another restless night. He drove her crazy. What she felt for him drove her crazy. Her heart hammered in her chest, her blood raced through her veins, her breath stuck in her throat—and that was only at the thought of him—and she thought about him all the time, especially at night when she slid into bed; her body became restless and her mind whirled. She had to put a stop to it.

  The stables were empty except for the quiet hush of the horses blowing out gently or shuffling into a more comfortable position as they settled down. She could hear his voice at the far end of the stable as he sang to himself. She recognized the country song and smiled as she stepped forward.

  “Sam?”

  There was a moment of silence, and then Sam stepped out from behind a large black stallion, holding some kind of small hook in his hand.

  “Lydia? What are you doing down here?”

  “I need to speak with you.”

  He stepped forward, but she held up a hand.

  “Earlier, you said you wanted me.”

  “Lydia, I don’t think…”

  “No, please. I need to say this. You said you wanted me but … I’m not very good in bed. I’m no good at sex.” The words rushed out, and she watched as his mouth dropped open and his eyes widened.

  “Christ, I can’t stand here and listen to this. Lydia, honey, please don’t say any more.�
� Jack stepped out from behind the black stallion, and as he spoke, Lydia clapped both hands over her mouth. Eyes huge with horror, she stood routed to the spot for a split second before Sam stepped toward her. She spun on her heel and tried not to run, holding her body ramrod straight as she stalked back through the barn, trying to muster as much dignity as possible. She heard a gravelly male voice coming from behind her

  “No woman who looks the way she does is going to be bad at sex.” She whipped her head round and stood stock still for a moment as Carl stepped out of the stall next to the stallion, a piece of straw between his teeth. He tilted his head to one side and grinned. “Not when she can move the way she does.”

  “Dear God,” Jack ground out.

  Sam eyed the other two, and then hung his head as the laughter rolled over him. Lydia found her feet and ran as if the hounds of hell were chasing her.

  * * * *

  Lydia ran breathless through the house, up to her bedroom, and closed the door as quietly as she could. Her cheeks flamed with embarrassment. She sat on her bed and put her head between her knees to stop herself fainting from all the hyperventilating she was doing. As her breath slowed, she pulled herself up to sit with her back against the headboard. Tucking her knees up under her chin, she rocked back and forward. How was she ever to face any of them again?

  “Lydia?” Her head whipped up as Sam stepped in through her balcony doors. Her face burned, and she narrowed her eyes at him.

  “Get out!” She bared her teeth at him as she leaned forward.

  “Sshhh … you don’t want to wake the kids.” He raised his fingers to his lips as he took a cautious step forward.

  “Oh, God,” she said as she slapped her hands on her burning cheeks. “I can’t believe I said that. What on earth is Jack going to think of me?” She wailed as quietly as she could, trying not to wake the kids as her breath heaved in and out of her tight chest.

  “Aaaww, honey, they’re not going to say anything to anyone.”

  He soothed as he took another step toward her and gently lowered himself onto her bed beside her.