Hopeful Hearts at Glendale Hall

by Victoria Walters

  And then softly, I began to sing along. I felt the baby kicking so I took Rory’s hand and held it over my stomach, my hand over his, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

  * * *

  As he had done so many times since we had fallen in love, Rory had calmed me, had pulled me back when I felt adrift. But he was right – yesterday, I had proved to myself that I could pull myself back, that I was capable, that I didn’t always need him here to help. And I thought about how many people seemed to be inspired by my Instagram post. The likes were moving into the thousands. I couldn’t believe that so many people had connected with it. Sometimes I felt alone in my anxiety but how could I now? And I knew deep down that Rory was right – I could do so much more than I thought I could.

  But was it enough?

  Rory reached for me then and brushed my lips with his. ‘Do you know when I first realised I felt more for you than just the fact you’re my brother’s old friend from school?’ he asked with a smile. I shook my head. ‘When I came to your mother’s funeral. I hadn’t seen you for a while, you’d been at university and when I saw you in the church, you looked so broken… I just had this urge to hold you, to try to make it better for you somehow. And I don’t think I’ve ever stopped wanting to hold you. Or to take care of you.’

  A tear rolled down my cheek. Seeing Rory there had given me a boost. As had all our family and friends, and the village, they had all rallied around me and my dad, and tried to support us as much as they could. Which I really had needed especially as Stewart had been stuck at St Andrews finishing his exams. I’d had no idea Rory would become so important to my life then. ‘I can’t believe it’s been over five years since the funeral. And soon, it’s her birthday. It’s still so hard.’

  ‘I know.’ He wiped it away with his fingertip. ‘I wish I could stop it hurting.’

  ‘You help. Our family helps. More than you know.’ My mum was all about family. She was fiercely loyal, and had loved me and my dad with all her heart. I knew I had been her whole life. I wanted to be like her. But I worried so much about whether I was good enough for my family. And I worried about the future.

  I once again missed her so much it hurt. She would have known what I should do about Stewart, about all of it, she would have given me some great advice, but now I had to muddle somehow through without her.

  ‘I love you. We can get through anything together.’ Rory reached for me again, and we shared a long kiss. ‘I promise you, Heth,’ he whispered as he trailed kisses across my collarbone. I wanted to believe him more than anything. I pulled myself onto his lap and Rory lifted my arms to take my jumper off. Rory had always made me feel as though I was the most beautiful woman in the world, and I never wanted that to change.

  When he eased my bra strap down, I pushed aside everything I was worried about and allowed myself to get lost in his touch.

  Chapter Seventeen

  ‘Heather!’

  I turned in surprise to see Stewart behind me as I walked down Glendale High Street, pushing Harry in his pushchair after dropping in to the Hall shop to see Beth. The air was cold but clear and Christmas was in the air. Stewart was wearing a suit today with a dark coat over it, holding a takeaway coffee from Emily’s bakery. It was still surreal to see him here. I wondered if Emily had served him and what she thought of him. I hadn’t told anyone other than Rory that my ex-boyfriend was in the village, and had been putting it off as I didn’t want to tell them about what he wanted me to do until I’d made a decision. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Beth or Emily’s opinions, but I knew they wouldn’t understand me not wanting to be on the farm with Rory, and I felt bad for even considering what Stewart had suggested. I knew that Beth especially would be appalled at the idea of a hotel being built in our beloved countryside, and once she found out, would get involved in trying to stop it. I supposed I was trying to keep the peace for as long as I could, but I knew it wouldn’t last much longer. Not here where news always spread like wildfire.

  ‘Morning,’ I said when Stewart reached us. ‘Harry, this is Stewart, an old friend of Mummy’s,’ I said down to Harry who waved at him. I smiled. He loved waving.

  Stewart waved back. ‘Fancy a stroll with me? I realised I’d been stuck in the back room of the pub working for too long today.’

  ‘Some fresh air sounds good to me too,’ I agreed.

  ‘I can wait if you want to grab a coffee?’

  ‘I’m fine, I just had one,’ I lied, not wanting to go in if Emily was there, she would want to chat and I’d have to explain why I couldn’t. We set off towards the park at the end of the High Street.

  ‘You’re quiet,’ he observed after a minute with a smile.

  ‘Just thinking, I suppose,’ I said.

  ‘About what, may I ask?’

  ‘Us,’ I replied. He smiled, surprised. ‘I mean I’ve been thinking back to when we were a couple.’ I had been thinking about the memory Rory reminded me of, my first panic attack at the farm, that snowy night. And it had made me remember my first one at university. ‘Do you remember when I was so panicked about a presentation I had to do, I had an anxiety attack in your room?’ I remembered it vividly. The first few weeks of our relationship had been based around going out and having fun, spending nights together, and this was the first time he had seen me struggle.

  ‘I know you worried a lot but…’

  ‘We had gone out late. I wanted to come home early and get rest before the presentation but you persuaded me to go dancing with you, we drunk a lot, and didn’t get in until the early hours. I woke up exhausted and stressed, and hungover, and I broke down crying saying I couldn’t do my presentation. And you said I just needed some breakfast so you left there in the room crying, and went to get us coffee and bacon sandwiches.’ By the time he had returned, I had called my mother and she had calmed me down, with me pretending I was in my room and not with Stewart, and I’d brushed it off, leaving quickly for my lecture and somehow getting through it. We’d never discussed it and I’d learned to hide my worrying as much as I could from Stewart especially when I got really anxious over exam periods, sometimes making up lectures or meetings with tutors so I could study alone in the library, and not be persuaded by him to go out. A habit I still sometimes fell back into with my loved ones even now.

  Stewart looked a little sheepish. ‘I’m sorry. I never knew how to handle those kinds of situations. My family…’ he trailed off for a moment then ploughed on. ‘We’ve never been emotional with one another, or really talked about our feelings or anything, I hadn’t ever had to deal with something like that before. So, yes, I didn’t handle it well. I can see that now.’

  ‘I know you had a different relationship with your family, compared to the one I had,’ I said as we walked through the gate into the park. A hint of watery sunshine peeped through the leaves of the trees above us. ‘I just worry though now. I have responsibilities.’ I gestured to Harry. ‘I would sometimes have to put those first, and not your hotel. I’m not sure that would work.’ Stewart would put his all into this project, I knew that, and he’d expect the same of everyone else. He had always been someone who could be out all night but then still work well the next day, and he demanded that of everyone around him. I don’t think he’d ever been sick, and that had stressed me out when we were together. I wouldn’t want to feel the way I had felt after that panic attack again. Although the farm stressed me, Rory never did. He always understood if I needed to step back or work through something at my own speed, like learning to ride Prince, but I didn’t think Stewart was capable of that.

  ‘I understand,’ he said quickly. ‘I’m different now, I promise. I need you, Heather. In my life again. It has all fallen apart without you.’ He stopped and turned to me. ‘Are you really happy, Heather? Because I’m not and…’

  My phone rang in my bag. ‘I’d better get this.’ I looked away, feeling awkward, as I answered the unknown caller. I wasn’t sure I could handle Stewart like this. It was like my past an
d present had collided and I had no idea how to get out of the resulting mess. ‘Hello?’ As I listened, I met Stewart’s eyes – mine widening as I listened to the woman on the phone, him watching, shifting his feet, looking impatient for me to finish. I hung up, still in shock. ‘Blimey.’

  ‘Who was that?’ he asked, frowning at my stunned expression.

  ‘That was Countryside Watch.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘It’s a programme on TV, all about people in the countryside, their work, and concerns, all about nature and they do a lot of farming segments… Anyway, they saw my post on Instagram. I can’t believe it.’

  ‘What post?’

  Wordlessly, I handed him my phone to show him. ‘They want to come to the farm and talk to me. To find out what it’s really like to become a farmer’s wife.’

  ‘You’re not married,’ he said pointedly, handing my phone back.

  ‘Well, you know what I mean. This could be such a great opportunity for the farm. I’ll have to get back and talk to Rory…’ I broke off at the hurt expression on his face. ‘I’m sorry but this is huge for us. You understand that, don’t you?’

  ‘Huge for Rory. It’s his farm. This isn’t what you really want, is it?’ He looked incredulous but I couldn’t deny the burst of excitement that phone call had given me.

  ‘I really don’t know,’ I admitted. It felt like finally things were clicking into place for me on the farm, like I was finding my place there. But here was Stewart offering me a way out. ‘Let me think about it, okay? I need to get back…’

  ‘I would be there for you now,’ he said hurriedly. ‘I promise you that. I made mistakes in the past, I know that.’

  I turned to go but I couldn’t not ask the question that had burned then simmered inside me since we broke up. I looked back at him. ‘Why wouldn’t you come to see me after my mum died? Just once? What you just said about not being able to deal with anything emotional… I know you said we were over on the phone but I still hoped, I still thought you might come to Glendale.’

  ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing you so upset,’ he half whispered. ‘Can I ask you something I’ve always wondered about?’ I nodded once. ‘If I had come would you have changed your mind about not moving to Edinburgh?’

  ‘I can’t answer that,’ I said. ‘Because you didn’t come, Stewart,’ I replied and then I pushed Harry away, feeling Stewart’s eyes on my back the whole way out of the park.

  * * *

  ‘I can’t believe this,’ Rory said with wide eyes as we watched the two large lorries drive into the farm. We stood outside with Dad and Harry, waiting for the Countryside Watch crew. They had only phoned the day before but they wanted to air our segment in next week’s show while my Instagram post was still a hot topic so had wanted to come as soon as possible.

  ‘They’ll only be talking to me,’ I reassured Rory. It was a turnaround for him to seem more nervous than me, but he wasn’t good at small talk and was worried they might make him speak on camera. ‘They just want to show you doing some farm chores. I already told them we don’t want Harry on TV so you can hide with him and Dad if you need to. At least you didn’t have to shave for it,’ I added with a smile. The producer had expressly told me not to change a thing about us, that the viewers preferred authentic over everything else, and apparently my Instagram was the epitome of authentic. I think it was meant as a compliment, and not that I’m a hot mess or anything. So, I’d had to resist the urge to dress up and was wearing skinny jeans, my sparkly wellies as they were excited about them, a long jumper, my parka and a woolly scarf with gloves. I was wearing more make-up than usual though, and had styled my hair loose and curly.

  ‘It’s really exciting, I watch it every week,’ Dad said, lifting his hand in a greeting wave as the first lorry parked in the yard. ‘This will be great publicity for you.’

  ‘It is the only show any farmer watches religiously,’ Rory said. ‘I’ve had messages all morning from people congratulating us. But let’s just hope they don’t stay all day, Angus is refusing to leave his cottage until they leave.’ He grinned at me. ‘Who knew Angus would be so camera shy?’

  ‘He barely wants to talk to us so I can believe it,’ I replied with a laugh. That didn’t bother me today though, nothing could dampen my good mood. I was too proud that through me the farm was going to be on national TV.

  ‘Heather?’ A tall, pretty woman marched up to me from the lorry and stuck out her hand. ‘I’m Wendy, the producer, we spoke on the phone? We’ll get everything set up and then Julie, who’s presenting this week, will join us for the filming.’ She looked around. ‘I can see why everyone online is raving about this place. I’ve never even heard of Glendale before, but it’s beautiful out here.’

  I could see both my dad and Rory swelling a little with pride as I smiled. ‘Wait until you see the view from the top of the hill.’

  ‘Lead the way!’

  We set up filming on the hill so they could see the cows. Rory was told to be in the background tending to them for a few shots and they wanted to film us both doing chores, and then the presenter turned up and I was set up with a mic and we began the interview. It was surreal meeting someone I had seen on TV for years but she was very friendly, and great at putting me at ease.

  ‘Your story really struck a chord with not only me but lots of our viewers,’ Julie said as the producer fussed around getting the right position for the cameraman. ‘I grew up in London and I still can’t believe I get to live in the countryside now. I have a farm of my own in Yorkshire, and I really got what you said about it being such hard work, and how nervous I feel that I’m not doing things right, but then the rewards are amazing,’ she said. ‘It’s a privilege living and working somewhere like this.’

  As the interview started, it was strange talking about myself but it got easier the more we filmed.

  ‘Tell me about why moving that cow out of the mud changed how you felt about your place on Fraser Farm? On Instagram, you said you lacked self-belief about being out here…’ Julie prompted me.

  ‘Well, I have never done anything like this before. I used to be a librarian, and you really couldn’t find a more different job, or workplace, could you? I have always struggled with anxiety,’ I said, amazed at how easy it was to open up about something like that but it was because I’d had so much support for being honest. I had always thought I should hide my anxiety as much as I could but why when it was a part of who I was? ‘And I have worried that I’m not capable of doing this, but that morning when I managed to pull the cow out of the mud, with Angus, it was almost a lightbulb moment – I thought well, actually, I can do it. I just need to believe in myself more.’

  ‘Why do you think that has struck such a chord online?’

  ‘I think more people suffer with anxiety than we realise. We all have moments when we lack self-belief, when we worry we’re not good enough or capable enough or just not doing enough, there’s so much to feel anxious about sometimes. I think people just understood that feeling, that they’ve felt like that at some point in their lives, and we all need a reminder sometimes that we can get through it. That we are capable. That we are good enough.’

  Julie smiled. ‘If only everyone could come for a visit here and experience that feeling; I think a lot of people would love to try this life even only for a few days.’

  I thought about her words – it had been such a steep learning curve for me moving onto the farm that I hadn’t appreciated that it was a life that many would love to live. That I should feel lucky, that I should feel blessed too.

  As they changed camera angles again, I glanced over at Hilltop Farm below us, Stewart’s words coming back to me that I didn’t belong out here. I had worried for two years about that but all the TV crew here today thought I did, and their viewers too, and all the people still sharing my Instagram post, and I glanced at Rory who gave me a thumbs-up, and I knew he had always believed that I belonged here with him. Maybe I was starting to wo
nder whether they were all right.

  But it had come at what felt the worst time possible – just as our future seemed in question thanks to the plans for Hilltop Farm. What if I had finally found my place here just to have it snatched from under me?

  Chapter Eighteen

  I was drying my hair the following morning when the hairdryer cut out halfway through. I tried switching it on and off again but nothing. I looked behind me and the clock on the bedside table was flashing midnight.

  ‘Heather, is there something wrong with the power?’ my dad called up the stairs.

  That’s just what we needed – a power cut. ‘Looks like it but the weather is fine outside, I don’t get why,’ I said, coming onto the landing. ‘I’ll find Rory and get him to check the fuse box,’ I said, walking down the stairs. I pulled on my boots and opened the front door, calling his name. The only power cuts we had had before had been in a storm or when we had been snowed in. At least it hadn’t happened yesterday when we were filming, I supposed I should be thankful for that. I walked into the yard and saw Rory near the stables with Harry carrying a bucket of water. ‘The power just cut out,’ I said, going over to them.

  ‘Seriously?’ Rory asked, pouring the water into the trough for the pigs. ‘I’ll go and have a look. Can you feed the goats? That’s the last of our jobs, isn’t it, Harry?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said, although my hair was still half wet and I didn’t have a coat on. ‘Come on, Harry.’ I led him around to the area where we kept the goats. There was a small barn for them and then a fenced-off grass area. Goats could be destructive and excellent escape artists so when I got there and spotted a hole in the fence, I groaned. I quickly did a head count and there was one missing. ‘Oh, Harry, how did this happen? It was fine last night when we checked on them, wasn’t it?’ I pushed open the gate to carry the food in, trying to think back. It had been dark but I was sure I would have noticed the fence was damaged. It was such a small hole that thankfully only one goat had tried to get through it. I felt disappointed though that this had happened just the day after the Countryside Watch filming when things had looked so much brighter here. Now we had a new problem to deal with. But I was relieved not to be panicking about it, I knew we would sort it out somehow.