Colour My Ugly

by A. Giannoccaro

  We both eat our plates clean a testament to just how bad my cooking really is. I get up to clear our plates and she follows me to the kitchen and starts to put the pancakes and applesauce onto plates for us and sits back down crossing her one leg underneath her. I could get used to this kind of dinner, bad conversation aside. I sit down and take a bite of the dessert it’s like heaven! She clearly enjoys it too because she didn’t even wait for me to sit before she tucked into hers.

  “I love pancakes, this is fucking amazing thank you so much.” I mumble in between bites of the cinnamon heaven on my plate.

  “Crepes, they are crepes. And it’s a pleasure. Thank you for not killing me, I mean for everything…shit sorry.” She is all flustered and confused, and embarrassed all of a sudden she blushes and averts her eyes from my mine.

  She needs to work on her brain mouth filter a bit too.

  She gets up and leaves the kitchen taking her plate with her to her room, walking quickly down the passage as if she would run if I weren’t watching her. I decide not to follow her instead I finish eating and clean the kitchen. I sort of fired my maid before Ellia arrived as explaining a crazy prisoner would have been difficult so now I have to keep the place in order. I guess I can get a new one now.

  I smile; she was totally eying my chest out. Her eyes betray her all the time I can almost see her thoughts in them. She never asked what the tattoos meant, that’s normally the first question anyone asks. She never asked.

  My shoulder and side burn like all hell now. It’s this pain the stinging scalding of my skin that lasts days after that I crave. It reminds me of what I am. I am a bad man. Robin’s art doesn’t change that it just makes it easier for me to look in the mirror every day but I am still me underneath it, ugly murderous me.

  I don’t let her retreat bother me; I know she needs time to sort things out in her mind. I will go talk to her later on. For now I turn the music up and wash the dishes. The meal was so good and cooking seemed to ease her pain somehow. I better fucking do some groceries. Maybe I will let her go in her new car she may enjoy getting out the house.

  I get lost in the music and the chores and the burn on my skin and just forget for a while that yesterday I murdered two young boys and less than an hour ago I was fucking a car sales lady in my garage. Also that Lauri Spillane is in my spare room and she cooked me fucking dinner, I ate dinner with a woman.

  The smell of the dead horses from yesterday is in my head again erasing the good food we just ate. I finish the dishes and go upstairs to the gym and run. I run till every inch of my body burns and every muscle is wound up like a spring I run to try get some of the ugly out of my mind. I am wound up after that, but I think I can keep my mind in check to actually talk to her, but first a shower. It’s going to sting like a mother fucker but I need it I am sweaty as hell and I smell of sex and Barbie and blood. It’s a bit disgusting actually.

  I traipse back down to my room and get in the shower. The steam clouds the whole room and I close my eyes, it’s not her scars I see but her eyes her eyes do something to me that I don’t understand. The water is burning the fresh tattoos feeding more of the pain that I crave. I can’t get her eyes out of my head no matter what I do so I just wash my hair and get out already. I forgo a shirt again as it will just stick and hurt my raw skin. I slip on a pair of sweat pants and head to her room. I want to tell her my idea I want to help her and I really think she started to help herself today.

  I knock on her door but open before she can answer I don’t really care I am going in anyways. She gets a fright at my sudden intrusion jumping like scared rabbit. I walk right in and sit on her sofa facing her on the bed she is reading a book she found in the kitchen some cooking book. She puts its down and looks at me waiting for me to explain my invading her space.

  I clear my throat a little. I am nervous, what the fuck is happening to me, I AM losing my shit, in fact I think I have lost it all together.

  “I want to talk to, I want to talk about last night and why I ran away and I really want to discuss the future with you. That’s if you are ready to talk to me Ellia.”

  Her eyes meet mine and they tell me she is scared, not scared terrified. I can feel the fear oozing off her from where I sit. I my job I see fear all the time, people are afraid of me, afraid of death and dying. I can sense her fear. Her short sharp breaths, I can see her pulse in the vein on her neck and she is wiping her sweaty palms on the bed cover. I need to put her at ease so we can actually talk like adults.

  “You don’t need to be afraid of me or scared of me Ellia.” Dammit she looks even more afraid I need to try not sound like the monster I am.

  “I won’t hurt you.” I try too hard to sound sweet and it just sounds forced and strange.

  Unless you want me to. Where did that come from I think my brain has a short circuit at the moment the number of really inappropriate thoughts crossing my mind is ridiculous.

  I see her shoulders relax a little and she opens her mouth to speak a few times before she actually says a word.

  “Okay Rowan, let’s talk.” she says quietly tugging her sleeves down over her hands and making a point not to look me in the eye, she is terrified of me.

  “But I won’t show you again, you saw, my God and it killed me once I will never show you again, so don’t ask me and God dammit don’t tell me to. In fact last night is off limits we can discuss anything else, I know why you ran and it’s nothing we need to discuss.”

  Tell her to? I realize now that’s what I did in my rage induced madness I told her to show me I never asked, I commanded it and she could not say no. He has her mind so broken she won’t refuse an instruction she will obey no questions asked. Now I really feel like an asshole.

  “I realize I cannot fix you, I also know that you think this was not my fault but I will blame myself always. This is what I think, Ellia is dead I killed her she has a death certificate and she no longer exists, yes you are alive but you are not her and if we are honest you never were. You can be anyone you like now, I like Lauri Spillane the girl who shamelessly flirted with me as teenager the person you were before Mick died and your life turned to shit. You were always her underneath and maybe if you can learn to live as her you can live, I can’t fix you, no, but I can help you live, actually live. I cannot take it away but I can help you turn it into something new and worth living for. You are not meant to die, not yet anyway.”

  I don’t even take a breath in between or I won’t get it out. I need her to want to live again. I cannot erase those scars but I can maybe heal her heart and mind a little, just enough so she can live.

  “You can stay here; it’s your home too. I will be here for you if you want me to and I will leave you alone if that’s what you want. I will give a new identity and your money and a set of house keys and you can come and go, you are not a prisoner you are free to live. I want you to live. Your car is in the garage and you are free to do anything you want.”

  Her face lifts and while I see the tears wetting her cheeks I can also see that she has heard me and she is at least considering what I have said. Her body is little softer and more relaxed she isn’t clenching her jaw quite so tightly, her mouth is curling up at the edges, hinting at a smile now. I throw the house keys and car keys on the coffee table showing her I really mean it. She is free.

  “We will pick up your ID from my friend Callum tomorrow afternoon.”

  ELLIA

  “I will shed all of this skin down to the very bone beneath it if that’s what it takes for you to come to the realization that appearance is not what makes a human beautiful”

  ~ Christopher Poindexter

  Rowan’s words are burning in my ears, I can be anyone I want, I can live, and I can stay. I feel the fear of all of this rising in my body and my need to retreat is calling me I want to hide away in my mind and try process it all but he is just sitting there not going anywhere. I can live
. I am free. My head cannot comprehend freedom it’s been so long since I had anything close to it. I think he might just be right. I don’t want to leave here though, I feel safe here I don’t know what is out there and I am more afraid of that than I ever will be of staying here. Rowan scares me but not the paralyzing fear I had with Renzo, I don’t want him to leave me alone. I want him to be my friend. I know that Rowan will keep me safe no one will hurt me with a monster like him guarding the doors of my life and while I am not sure that trusting a murderer is the best thing to do. There is something in me, an unexplained pull at my gut that says I can trust him with my life.

  I let out a sigh, as I wrangle the strange emotions that are overwhelming me right now, I don’t want to have a panic attack I need to keep breathing and focused.

  “I want to live Rowan, I want to try and live at least. I want to be Lauri the person that was stolen from me and I want to stay here, this is home. I am afraid of almost everything out there, here I feel safe,” I say motioning towards the windows.

  I see him exhale the breath he was holding onto and immediately I see his tattoos again they have me memorized I embarrassed myself at dinner starting at them. He even made me blush. There is a heart but its incomplete crafted out of beautiful numbers right over the spot where his heart beats. Some numbers are new and raw around the edges he got them today and one, just one flaming red while the others are all black. My mind wonders to the story, there must be a reason for those numbers, for all the art that is so skilfully painted on his flesh. Rowans body is a canvas of colours and words they flow over the ridges of his muscles and match each contour perfectly. I am forced to look away from the master piece when he answers me.

  “Well Lauri, let’s start living right now. Tell me what you want to do in your new life?” His voice is lighter now, like he is relieved that I don’t want to run for the hills, something my brain still says is the right way to go, but my heart says stay. My heart is a voice I have never listened to before and maybe now is the time to start; my brain decisions haven’t exactly ended in the best results so far.

  The way he says Lauri, the way it should be said, the way my dad said it is so comforting and it feels right, that is me. The Irish lilt of his accent that is not quite pure anymore but is still there curls around the name I was given at birth. What do I want? I don’t know but a silly idea pops into my head about where I want to start. I can do this, I can live and I don’t need to be afraid anymore. I will never stop guarding my heart and feelings but I won’t let fear paralyze me anymore. I can do anything I want to do, even if I don’t I can.

  “The very first thing I want to do is cover every inch of my scars in art like you have on your body. It’s beautiful and maybe if I cover the ugly with beautiful I can really forget it. If I can’t see it every time I look at myself maybe it won’t hurt so much. Can we do that?” I ask him with a small tremor in my voice. He is going to think I am nuts and lock me up again. But I cannot see the marks on my body and not be transported back into hell, I have to take my clothes off to bath or shower, I will see them every day, I don’t want to go to hell every day it hurts too much. When I see a burn mark on my skin I feel the hot end of Renzo’s cigar being pushed into my flesh, I smell it burning, I feel the tears I had to hold back burning at my eyelids, worst of all I see the smile on the devils face as he watched me try not to writhe under his torture. He always won. I need to try and erase that from my mind, I need to not see him every day.

  Rowan’s smile grows huge and his blue eyes dance at the idea I just put forward to him. He likes it. I don’t know why I even thought of it but I know I want to do it maybe not all at once but I want to cover the ugly and what better way than with art. The pain will remind me that I don’t need to be afraid anymore. I am free and this is something I choose, my choice a simple luxury I haven’t had in a very long time.

  “That we can most definitely do, I will make a call and arrange for Robin to see you. I actually think it’s an amazing idea, but it’s painful and I don’t know if you need more pain than you have already had. Lauri, if that’s what you want we do it.” He seems to genuinely like my crazy idea but the concern on his face when he says how much it hurts as if he is waiting for that to change my mind. He knows nothing of pain, I am sure a tattoo over the scar could never hurt the way that flesh hurt when those scars were created. I like my silly idea more I think about it the more I want to do it. Pain can be cathartic and pain can heal too.

  “I am sure, I am not afraid of pain, Rowan in fact it’s one thing I am not afraid of at all anymore. Lauri? I like it. It sounds right.” I love the way my real name flows off Rowan’s tongue with his rich Irish accent it feels right. His gravelly voice curls around its sound it’s like music to my ears. I feel like I have a real identity for the first time since my father died.

  “That’s your name, in fact to me it always was. It was the name Mick gave you the day you were born. He loved you, he really did and while I do understand that right now you may not love him anymore he always loved you.” His words about dad cut me. I don’t want to talk about him now.

  “Rowan let’s leave my dad out of this for now.” I cannot add more emotions to what I feel right now, I can only handle so much at a time.

  “Okay, so if pain doesn’t scare you, what does?” He is trying to make conversation, but I know he is trying to pry a little into what has been my life for eight years, wanting to know what was done to me. I can tell that he feels an immense guilt over what happened to me. He shouldn’t but he does.

  What scares me? Everything, everything except pain really I know I can survive pain. I give it some more thought before I answer Rowan. I know that there are things that will plunge me into to panic and strip me of my senses in a second. I am afraid of so many things. I had to be afraid of everything.

  “Living scares me, people scare me, and feelings scare the shit out of me. And touch, I hate being touched it hurts physically even if it’s not intended to my brain equates touch to hurt. The thought of ever having sex completely paralyzes me. I am afraid of so many things Rowan too many to even list.”

  I am being totally open with him now and I should feel embarrassed I feel like Rowan knows without me saying so I might as well spill my heart out now before he commands me to tell him and I act like a fool again.

  ROWAN

  “Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go.”

  ~Mooji

  Well take that Rowan. I had expected her to fight me a little at least. I am slightly concerned by her statement about not being afraid of physical pain. She has endured so much pain I thought it would definitely be at least a trigger. She didn’t want to discuss last night and I thank fuck for that, I didn’t want to talk about my shameful retreat at the sight of her scars. I was such a dick.

  I am surprised by her list of fears though. Feelings scare the shit out of me too so I really can’t help there. People well maybe we can work on that one a little and we already started on living. It’s as if bearing her scars to me has shared her hell between us now. I can’t un-see them anymore than she can erase them. Sex I am afraid I don’t think I can help her there, her father would come back from the dead and kill me, in fact he was probably already going to do that. Who is afraid of sex? The woman has only ever been raped that’s who. I hope she gets over that I really do, because let’s face it sex can be fucking amazing. My mind wonders back to the garage and my little sales lady my cock twitches. Fuck reign that shit in Rowan.

  I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket but chose to ignore it for right this second. It can only be Callum and he can wait. I think about her list again, shit people could be problem since I really only know the criminal kind. Maybe she can get to know some of the people in the Estate office first they seem normal enough to me. I sit and watch her fiddling with the sleeve of her shirt, trying so hard not to look me in the eyes; she runs her hands up and down her thighs. I see h
er do it often like feeling the ridges under her clothes soothes her a little when she gets overwhelmed by things around here.

  Instead of taking Callum’s call, I am not in the mood for whatever it is right now, I phone Robin because I genuinely like her idea. He will paint away her scars with beautiful art and maybe just maybe she will be able to look at herself without seeing the last eight years in the mirror. I ask him to clear his day tomorrow for a friend and add we will be there early, I have to work tomorrow. He doesn’t like the idea but wouldn’t say no to me even if he wanted to, Robin is not an early riser and he is not a fan of meeting new people either.

  “Lauri, let’s get some sleep and we can start your new life in the morning.” I say to her standing up to leave, for some stupid reason I don’t actually want to leave her alone. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I have feelings and I am starting to believe they are going to either land me in a heap of shit or kill me either way this is not good.

  I see the hint of excitement and fear all mixed together in her hazel eyes as she says goodnight and I close her room door. The physical barrier between us numbs the crazy feeling in my chest a little and I can actually breathe a little.

  My phone is buzzing in my fucking pocket again, damn Callum give up. It’s obviously important for him to still be calling me so I close my room door ending whatever just happened between Lauri and me. I answer Callum’s call returning to my reality, my life and my job.