Colour My Ugly

by A. Giannoccaro

  “You look so happy tonight my friend and the food is all so good I cannot wait to over indulge in that pasta.” She talks as I drop the pasta into the boiling water on the stove top. “I am happy; a lot of it is because of you and Rob. In fact everyone here saved me a little.”

  “Oooh have you shown those two yet? What did they think?” She taunts motioning with her head to where the men are seated.

  “No, are you nuts? Callum is my cousin and him seeing me in any state of undress makes me very uncomfortable and Rowan the man whore doesn’t want to see, he hasn’t even asked in fact.” I spell out for her. Rowan only asked once in the very beginning, when I said no he never ever asked again. I thought he would have by now, but in truth he seems to stay away from personal questions these days.

  Amya gets a strange look on her face. “He is different since you, you know that? He used to be so cold and now he is almost human. You don’t need to pretend I know who he is and what he does Lauri, Robin and him worked together before.” She gulps some wine down and I interrupt her right there. I see the trail of woman that he drags through here I don’t get the illusion that he feels anything at all.

  “He’s not different Amya, I know all too well that men like him don’t change, he learnt from my father. He is who he is. I haven’t changed him at all. He just eats better now.” I joke trying to lighten the mood. Thank goodness the pasta is ready and we can go eat and be done with this awkward conversation. She won’t let it go that easy though. She grabs my arm so I have to look at her.

  “He feels when you are around Lauri, Rowan never felt anything before. He never ever would have saved a life he was paid to take.” She half whispers as we carry the dinner out to the table where the three men sit talking about football. It’s world cup season and I am so over soccer at the moment.

  My eyes tell Amya that our talk is over for now. The men dive into their food like a bunch of gannets. “Don’t you feed him?” I mock Amya pointing to Robins over full plate. She laughs loudly from her belly at me “I am not a chef, doll if he wants food he has to make it.”

  The dinner is wolfed down and the relaxed atmosphere between friends is refreshing and I really am enjoying myself tonight. I think my passion to serve good food will win; maybe I should chat to Rowan about the restaurant later tonight. Maybe all the wine will give me the guts. The men clear the table this time and go inside to watch the late game. Leaving Amya and I outside in the fresh air to finish our wine and enjoy the silence of staying so far away from everyone and everything. It’s isolated and calm out here, no city traffic or the hum of white noise just quiet.

  “I want to ask him about the restaurant later, do you think he will let me do it?” I ask Amya as we sit outside. She glares at me before she replies harshly. “You are a grown ass woman Lauri, you don’t need him to let you do anything, and you can do anything you want.” She sighs loudly. “But if it makes a difference I think he will love the idea.”

  I don’t answer her I just get lost thinking about it, I have always had to have permission to do anything I wanted from my father or Renzo, being able to do what I want is a very new feeling to me. We sit for a while in silence listening to the men shout at the telly before I suggest we go inside and get dessert. Amya loves sweets almost as much as Callum so she jumps at the mention of dessert. I ask the men as we pass if they want dessert and no surprise they all do.

  I pull my sticky chocolate creation from the oven and pipe the strawberry mouse over the top and serve it up to them. The silence is deafening as they all eat without taking a break, it’s always a good sign for a chef when things go quiet. I must admit it tastes like heaven and I am proud of myself. I haven’t lost my touch in the kitchen after all this time. I want that restaurant and I am going to have it. Amya is right I don’t need his permission but his support would be nice.

  Amya squeezes herself next to Robin on the couch and Callum is on the single chair leaving me to sit next to Rowan on the other couch. He lifts his legs up and I sit and he simply puts them back down on my lap. The close proximity and touching has me feeling a little panic in my chest but I try and keep it hidden as they watch the game and I pretend to care whether or not Italy beat Uruguay. When the game finally ends and Italy lose, our friends are tired and excuse themselves for night. Callum leaves with them so they can drive back to the city together. We all had a little too much to drink and I can feel a buzz all over my body. I sit back down in the lounge after saying goodbye. Rowan chooses to sit next to me, right next to me almost on top of me, he usually sits on another chair. I try not letting him sense my nerves as he sits. But then he puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me towards him. I instinctively go stiff and he knows I am not alright, but we are both a little drunk and neither of us move I want him to let go, but I also don’t. He smells good for someone who hasn’t showered I think to myself inhaling his unique scent of aftershave and all day I try my hardest to calm myself down and relax into his touch. His voice rumbles from his chest “Thank you for dinner, it was amazing. You can cook the pants off any guy that’s for sure.” I can feel his voice vibrating in his chest as he talks to me it feels so strange to be this close to him. I can feel him speak; I am that close and it scares me to death. He hasn’t been close to me since the first few weeks I was here when he held me as I cried on the floor. After my first trip to Robin he stopped getting into my personal space I think my panic attack made him weary of getting too close.

  I decide now is as good a time as any to broach the topic of my restaurant and I need to distract myself from how close I am to Rowan and the fact that he is touching me. “I want my own restaurant; I want to cook more than I ever have.” I mutter without looking at him I am afraid of his eyes they always tell me more than his words. He lifts my chin with his other hand so I have no choice but to look at him. I am met with his smile, something he rarely does, and then I see in his eyes that his smile is touching them too. “I think that’s a brilliant idea Lauri, you would be great.” He affirms all my feelings with his answer. “Thank you Rowan.” Is all I manage to muster up in reply he is so close to me and I feel my chest getting tight with the touch, his smell, his eyes it is all too much. I look down to his chest in an attempt to calm myself down before I really do panic. He kisses the top of my head as I look down a tender gesture I am not used to. It makes me shudder and is not helping my current state of anxiety. We just sit like that for a while neither of says anything more. I simply can’t because my brain is short circuiting from being so close to him all my focus is on not passing out. Eventually he lifts my face to his again and looks me in the eyes. There is something burning in them now I can see it. They are darker than before. “Show me your tattoo Lauri, please?” His eyes plead with me as he speaks those words.

  I am not sure if it’s the wine or if it’s his eyes or the fact that he is still touching me but I nod and stand in front of him with a sudden rush of courage I unbutton my white cotton shirt and drop it to floor; I reach behind me and unclasp my bra. Not sure where my bravado is coming from, but I am pretty sure it was all the wine. The thing is since my skin is covered in pictures I never feel truly naked anymore, the tattoos weave their own magical fabric over my skin clothing me even when I wear nothing. I don’t dare look away from Rowan’s eyes they are locked on mine and they are the only thing stopping me from running out the room right now. I drop my bra with my shirt and slip my fingers in the waist band of my skirt. I push it past my hips and let it pool at my feet. I am standing in front of him in nothing but my lacy black G-string and black patent ballet pumps. His eyes finally leave mine and trace over every detail of the picture painted on my skin. He seems to be mesmerized and I see his jaw tighten as I watch him looking at me. He motions his hand for me to turn around and I don’t know why but I simply follow his instruction. As soon as my back is turned he stands and walks up behind me, I can hear and feel him getting closer even if I can’t see him. His fingers begin
to trace over the images on my back, ghosting over each picture. I shiver and my skin is covered by goose bumps his smell engulfs me. I am terrified of him in that moment yet I can’t will my body to run away from him. He moves my ponytail so he can whisper in my ear. “You, Lauri are the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. I just want to trace every line drawn on your body. God.” He growls the last part of his sentence. I am frozen on the spot with fear and I can feel my heart trying beat out of my chest I can hear it exploding in my eardrums. I am sure he can hear it too he is so close to me right now. My feet wobble and I close my eyes tighter and he speaks again. “I know you are scared of me right now I can feel the fear oozing from you. I have stayed away Lauri, I have tried so hard not to touch you these past months, to forget that you are this beautiful. But tonight I can’t. Tonight I don’t want to forget. I just want you. I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t but I do. And it’s killing me. Please let me touch you. Please let me show you that you don’t need to be scared of me, that my touch will never hurt you.” His words are breathy and desperate as he speaks into my ear. I can’t open my eyes I am so scared that I will pass out. I can’t believe he thinks of me that way, that he wants to touch me. He knows how ugly I am underneath this picture yet he calls me beautiful my mind wants to explode it’s so confused right now. My body is betraying me the panic is slithering its way up my throat and spreading into my chest. The panic conceals something else I feel too, a feeling I cannot identify because it is new, foreign and frightening. More frightening than panic.

  I draw a deep breath into my burning lungs and force my wobbly feet to turn around. I cannot deny that in that minute I do feel beautiful and that I trust Rowan. I want him to touch me but I’m not sure he can without the panic consuming me, sucking me under into the black, into the ugly. I open my eyes and look up into those eyes they are burning with feelings I don’t recognize the monster is there and it is very much alive. I can’t talk but I put my hand over his heart and nod my head. I just hope you don’t hurt me Rowan; I can’t be hurt anymore I would rather just die. Rowan leans down to meet my lips and I am sure my heart stops dead, he is going to kiss me. I didn’t think that’s what he meant in all honesty I never even considered it. As his lips ghost against mine my breath hitches in my throat he moves his hands up my arms and into my hair holding my head steady. “I think I just may love you Lauri and I am more afraid of that than you are of me.” he whispers against my lips before he kisses me. A kiss that says more than any words. A kiss that I feel with every inch of my body. A kiss that claims my heart and soul. I know in that kiss that Rowan owns me. I am terrified of him and I should run my brain is saying run you are going to get hurt and this time no one will fix you. But my heart, my stupid fucking heart is beating for the man whose tongue is making its way into my mouth as he holds me so tight I couldn’t escape even if I wanted to. His kiss suffocates the panic and I am forced to feel everything else. This man both killed me and saved my life. Rowan pulls away and I immediately want him back, he pulls me closer so my body collides with all of his then lifts me off the floor into his arms and carries me down the hall into my room.

  ROWAN

  “A cut cannot heal unless you leave it alone.”

  ~Of Mice & Men, Bones Exposed Lyrics

  Lauri has been here for six months now, she has made her way back to life over those months and I have watched her change from scared and timid to the most amazing beautiful strong woman. I realized months ago that this woman would be my undoing. I have never in all my days wanted anything more than I want her. The thing is I know what scares her and I know that I terrify her. My life, my job and my choices make me the worst person in the world for her. I have done everything in my power to stay away to allow her to heal, to be her friend when all I want is more. I never thought of anything more than the day I was living, all my life there was no future and no past just right now. But Lauri has me lusting after a future I never knew I wanted, a life I know I cannot have. More than anything I want her she will always be mine, even if she won’t have me I will never let her go.

  I know that I have her here in my home, cooking and cleaning and caring for me but I want her to trust me, I want to touch her without her body going stiff and panic suffocating her thoughts. I want so badly to see what her body looks like now that Robin has completed the tattoo to cover her scars. God I even want to feel those scars. The day I saw them I was repulsed, physically ill over them but not over her. She was stunning to me in spite of the marks on her skin. Robin cannot stop bragging about how amazing it looks now that it’s completed. Claiming he is the Picasso of humans, he can be so vain when he wants too. I just want a glimpse of it; I want to examine his artwork just once.

  The bloody heart on my chest continues to grow with every job that I do number after number. I know that is something I cannot change. In fact I am beginning to believe that if this weren’t my chosen career path I would in all likelihood still be a killer, just a different kind, worse. There is something broken in me and killing people fixes it, for a little time anyway. Lauri has managed to fix herself and that amazes me she is not whole but she is no longer the broken wreck that I was meant to kill. She made me promise not to kill her husband unless she asked me too. It has been the hardest promise to keep when I want to rip him into tiny pieces and feed him to the sharks in False Bay.

  I wonder if she could love me without wanting me to change. Love? Where did that come from? I know I cannot change, I also know that I feel something for her. Something I have never felt in my life. It scares the shit out of me just thinking about it. I have tried to replace her I’m my mind and my bed, over and over but no one has held a candle to her. I stopped trying a few weeks ago. After having countless women in my bed none of them were her so I never wanted them. I want Lauri Spillane for myself. Worse I want her to want me. I am afraid that I may just love this woman and that terrifies me. I also know that there is no way I will ever let her leave here. My monster will not let go of her, ever. We always lust for the things we cannot truly have, our hearts will always want what is forbidden. Having a heart has made me want things I really shouldn’t.

  We have had the most delicious dinner shared with our friends and I know I have a little too much to drink and should just go to my room. I lock the front door and return to lounge intending to say goodnight and excuse myself but damn she looks so sexy sitting there in her white shirt and flowing skirt. I could smell her vanilla scent when she sat next to me earlier it’s like a drug I just need one more fix. She is dressing a little like Amya and it’s hot as all hell. I don’t know why but I have to sit next to her I just need to be close to her I have left her as long as I can and tonight my faculties have left me I must be crazy, but tonight I need to be close to her. I don’t care what it does to her; not doing it will kill me. I sit down and immediately notice the fear creeping over her; I lean my arm around her shoulder and pull her close to my chest. She smells so good. Like vanilla her scent that is all over my house all the time driving me to distraction, it’s all I can do to stay still? I can feel her stiffen under my arm the fear is oozing off her now. I want her to calm down I want her to want my touch not fear it. I thank her for dinner and she rambles a reply about wanting a restaurant. I am amazed she actually wants something, she has asked for nothing over the last six months and the idea of her moving forward makes me happy. I would say yes to anything that she asked me, I am afraid I would give her the world if she wanted it. Looking at the red roses that are tattooed on her arm where my hand rests causes me to wonder what the rest looks like. So I ask. Expecting the same no she has given anyone who asks her. But this time, maybe it’s all the wine she has had to drink I don’t know but this time she stands up and keeps her eyes locked on mine as she unbuttons her shirt and drops it to floor the second I see her inked flesh my cock is hard in my jeans. I can hardly draw air into my lungs. Holy shit this woman is gorgeous. What is she doing? She still has her eyes
locked on mine and I am afraid if I look away she will stop. She is taking off her bra, holy shit I didn’t think my cock could get any harder. She is going to kill me; my heart is going to stop because it could not possibly beat any faster. She drops her bra to the floor where her shirt lies all the while looking me in the eye. I so badly want to break her gaze and look at the work of art before me but I can’t, yet. She slides her skirt down her thighs and is standing there in nothing but a lacy black thong and a pair of pumps that have my poor cock trying to burst the zip of my jeans.

  I break our stare and examine every stunning inch of her body. Fuck me, but my friend has turned her ugly scars into the most amazing artwork I have ever seen. He may well be the Picasso of human flesh. I cannot talk my throat has gone dry so I use my hand to signal for her to turn around I need to see it all. She does, it’s all I can do not to fly up off the couch as my eyes land on her perfect ass. The small bow at the top of her thong is the only thing I notice apart from the hummingbirds dancing down the curve of her spine. The colours are alive on her skin as I walk up behind her I have to touch her, I cannot stop myself I don’t even try to stop it. I see the goose bumps and her shiver immediately. I move her thick ponytail over her shoulder so I can whisper in her ear. I know without a doubt in my mind right in this moment I love her. I need her. I know I will never be whole without her. Now I am afraid. I whisper words in her ear, I tell her I want her and that I may just love her. I ask her to let me touch her. I am not sure what nonsense I am spouting but the I know for the very first time in my life I feel. Really feel. It hurts, burns in me and I need to get it out.

  When Lauri turns around looks at me and nods her head my heart stops. I am going to kiss her right here and now. “I think I just may love you Lauri and I am more afraid of that than you are of me.” I whisper against her soft lips before I kiss her. I kiss with my heart and soul I kiss her like I have never kissed or been kissed before. Whatever it was I have been holding in has just exploded and the fire that burns in me for this woman I know will kill me. I can’t do this here. I stop and lift her into my arms her soft body melts into mine. I carry her to her room; I somehow don’t want t to take her to the room where I have had so many others before her. She is different to them. I won’t be sending her away not ever. Lauri is mine whether she wants to be or not, that kiss made her mine.