Colour My Ugly

by A. Giannoccaro

  Rowan as always, clears the table and rinses the dishes. I close up the patio behind us and sit down on the couch with the rest of my wine flicking channels on the TV. I settle on some mind numbing reality show that would kill almost all my brain cells if I let it.

  When he is done in the kitchen Rowan makes himself comfy next to me on the couch and pulls me close to him. I love this side of him, when he is soft I don’t think anyone else ever sees this Rowan, he belongs to me only. I feel so good when he holds me. Tonight is a bit different though, tonight the feel of his thumb brushing over my arm where he holds me and the feel of his breath in my hair and his smell are making my skin burn and the butterflies are smouldering again. Tonight I desperately want more of him. I want his touch it’s like I am feeling these little things for the very first time. I feel alive, really alive.

  I force myself closer still to Rowan, I see the hesitation but also a small smirk on his face. “Are you watching this shit or can we go to bed?” He asks his voice is rough with the same passion it had when we were in the shower the sound of his accent ignites the butterflies and I switch the telly off immediately.

  I turn myself around so I am straddling Rowan’s lap, I can see the almost shock on his face at my boldness before I lean forwards and kiss him. I can feel his evening stubble on my face and his hands are firm around my waist as if he isn’t sure where else to put them in that moment. I move so that I am kissing his neck and whisper in his ear. “Take me to bed Rowan. Now.” I certainly don’t need to ask twice as he lifts us both from the couch in one fluid movement and carries me to the room. He stares into my eyes as he walks down the passage I can feel his erection between us and it excites me that I caused that. His eyes are burning with a fire that I have not seen in them before. He uses my body to push the door closed behind us and pins me there against it. His breaths are shallow and fast, his tall frame keeps me pinned firmly where he wants me. I can see him trying to calm himself, to slow himself down. He is fighting an internal fire and I am going to add fuel to the flames. I steady my hands on his shoulders and kiss him. I don’t know how to put this want, this desire, this burn into words because the words scare me but I want to show him right now that he doesn’t need to extinguish the flames I want him to burn with me right now. I feel the solid wall disappear from my back and it is soon replaced by the cool comforter of our bed. I am still wrapped around him when he speaks to me desperately. “Lauri, is this really alright, I don’t think I can stop myself but I will, I will if you tell me too. I promise I won’t hurt you baby but I just can’t stop now. Please don’t stop me. I want to make you feel so good sweetheart.” His hands are under my clothes now brushing my skin with fire everywhere he touches me. I push my hand into his chest forcing him to stop and look into my eyes. I need him to see me right now I need him to see that I am not afraid of him, but I also need to know I can still stop him. “I don’t want you to stop Rowan, I want you. All of you. I am not afraid of you.” The pure relief in his eyes at the permission I just gave him makes me want him even more.

  My hands slide to the open button of his jeans and I lower the zip slowly. We don’t break the eye contact between us not even to blink. I slip my hand over the hardness of his erection and his breath hitches he grabs my wrist stopping me in my tracks. I shake my hand lose, I want to touch him and I am going to. He closes his eyes as I do, I can feel him twitch and harden more in my hand as I slowly slide it down his shaft and back to the tip. I do it again and his eyes fly open he grabs my hand and pulls it away from him. “Lauri, go slow please.” He begs me, in my need to touch him I forgot that he may just be too close to the edge in that moment. He slides off the bed and pulls me up so I am sitting in front of him on the edge of the bed. His cock is in my face and the ridiculous desire to lick it is back with a vengeance he must see it in my eyes as I unconsciously lick my bottom lip. He lifts my chin and shakes his head at me a smile pulling at his, he is enjoying this immensely. He pulls my shirt over my head and sucks in a breath at my bare chest; I hadn’t bothered with a bra this afternoon. His hands wonder over my brightly coloured skin leaving a fiery trail of goose bumps in their wake. He pulls at the top of my jeans and I lift myself so he can remove them. Leaving me in my lacy red thong and nothing else. He shoves his own pants off leaving all our clothes piled on the floor. His eyes devour my body and I start to feel a little self-conscious. I haven’t felt this naked since my tattoo was completed but in that moment I felt as naked as I really was. I lifted my arms to cover my breasts but Rowan pulled them away. Without a thought I lean forward and lick him. I couldn’t control it I wanted to do it. I want to make him feel good his whole body goes stiff at the touch of my mouth on his cock. I stop for a second and then slide him into my mouth. I have no idea how to do this so I hesitate slightly. Rowan relaxes a little and puts a hand in my hair and slowly guides my mouth over him I look up into his eyes and I see nothing but lust and desire. There is no bad and certainly no evil in this man right now. Suddenly aware of what I am doing I put a little effort into my movements and I can feel he is losing his control. I feel every ridge of his rock hard cock with my tongue before he roughly pulls me away. “Not tonight Lauri, I want you, all of you but I don’t want to come in your mouth tonight.” I am secretly relieved because I wouldn’t know what to do if he did, I hadn’t thought that far. I need to let Rowan be in control right now, I trust him not to hurt me but I need him show me how to do this. I need him to push me past this fear so I can love him with all of me.

  ROWAN

  “If darkness is really not darkness at all but the absence of light, then my flaws are not really flaws at all but rather the absence of you.”

  ~Christopher Poindexter

  List of things I never expected today. Lauri throwing herself at me, giving me the permission I needed to take her body and soul. Lauri putting her mouth on me again, while I was awake. Her telling me not to stop when I told her I would if she wanted me to. Lauri is full of surprises today and so far I am loving all of them. I can feel her handing me control right now. She has. I am afraid of her giving it to me but my God am I ready for this. I want this woman, the woman I love more than anything in the world and I intend to show her exactly how much I want her and just how fucking earth shattering sex can be. This feels different for me too. I have never loved the women I have bedded in the past.

  Her body is soft and the colours on her skin make me want to kiss every part of her. The nervousness flashes in her eyes and I need to do something before we lose this moment. I put my forehead against hers leaning over her body forcing her to lie back on the bed. “Trust me sweetheart. Just trust me.” I beg her to trust me, I need her too. I slowly let my hands roam over her body feeling the raised edges of the scars that are hidden by the intricate work of art. She feels so amazing under my hands the softness of her body fuelling my need and desire and pure fucking lust. I start to kiss her skin working my mouth over every part of her body. Her eyes close I know she is surrendering herself to me, giving me every part of her. I pull her perfect nipple into my mouth and she lets out a loud moan and arches into me. A smile pulls on my lips, yes; I am making her feel it too. Just feel it will her to let go of all the fear. Her hands are bunching the comforter at her sides as my mouth continues to taste her body. I pull the other nipple into my mouth and roll the one I just released between my fingers and I see her fists bunch tighter. I continue to kiss and lick and taste every line painted on her skin. I deliberately hook my fingers into her thong and pull the excuse for underwear down and out of my way. She is so beautiful her chest is rising and falling with soft breaths that she is fighting to control and her skin is alive under my touch every kiss causes a shiver or a moan. Her eyes are still tightly closed and I let her keep them closed for now as I work my way down her body. I can smell her sweet smell as I kiss her hip bones and then her inner thigh. I am going to taste her tonight; I plan on making her feel every pleasure that I can. I move between
her legs and her breathing stops, she is holding it in, she is waiting. I let out a breath over her very sensitive sex and she breathes out loudly as I softly kiss her folds. I can’t stop now, even if she told me to there is no way now that I have tasted her I want more. I allow my tongue to explore her, tasting her. I lick over her very sensitive clit and she muffles a scream. I do it again and again I know she will be so close and I am keeping her on that edge. I look up, her eyes are open now, and she is watching me as I savour her taste on my tongue. I move one of my hands from her thigh so I can slip my finger inside her while my tongue circles her clit. I only manage to move my finger in and out a few times before I feel her tighten around me and she is over taken by her orgasm. Her eyes don’t leave mine until she can’t control it and the they roll back with her head as she arches back into me. Holy shit. I cannot wait any longer I pull myself up over her body and move her legs apart so that I fit tight between them. She hasn’t come down from her orgasm completely yet and I push into her a little. Her eyes snap open to mine in shock, I stop. Waiting for her stop me I am sure she is going to, but she doesn’t. A tear rolls down her cheek and she closes her eyes. I am frozen I want her so badly, but I want her to want me just as much. I don’t know whether to stop or carry on my body, brain and heart want different things. She opens her eyes and the words fall out of her mouth slowly. “Don’t stop Rowan. Please. I want you.”

  It was all I could do not to slam into her with all my strength but instead I slowly moved into her, allowing her to feel me to trust me not to hurt her in that moment. I knew that this was without a doubt the best feeling in the world. I made sweet soft magical love to Lauri, I didn’t fuck her or have sex with her I loved her. I loved her with my heart and my body and nothing could ever take this back. Her eyes give away everything she feels in that moment too. Her body moved with mine, not fighting it accepting it wanting it, needing it. Her breath on my skin, her hands clawing into the skin on my sides. The way our bodies melted into each other. I couldn’t hold on any longer I was past the point of no return and I needed to take her with me. I slipped a hand between us and softly rubbed her clit with my finger. She went over the cliff with me her body clamping down tightly on me as we came together. She screamed my name then it rolled off her tongue so sweetly over and over again. As we slowed down and I took her head in my hands I kissed her softly and told her I loved her. My God did I love her; I want to give her the world. I certainly wouldn’t mind her rocking my world like that again either.

  “I didn’t know it could feel like that.” She says as we settle down in each other’s arms. I pull her closer and her body is against mine. “Me either.” I answer her looking into her eyes that always tell me what’s in her heart. And it’s the truth I have never felt this before. I have never felt anything before this moment that could come close. She closes her eyes and we fall sleep in a tangled sweaty mess. “You didn’t hurt me.” is the last thing I remember hearing before I fell asleep. If only she knew who had the power to hurt whom right now.

  I woke in the middle of the night with two things going through my mind. Firstly I had made love to Lauri and my stupid heart was bursting, she had trusted me with herself and I had been a stupid fucker. I had not even thought about a condom in the moment I am such a fucking asshole. I know I am not harbouring any rancid diseases because I get tested monthly; it’s the only way to make sure Callum does. But I never asked her about birth control or anything, I am a real asshole. The guilt over my lack of respect for her won’t let me go back to sleep, she is lying so close and she smells of vanilla and sex. We didn’t bother to clean up after; we just stayed as close as we could to each other. I feel so ashamed of myself right now but her arms wrapped over my chest and her breath on my skin has me wanting her all over again. I move her hair off her face. I hate watching her sleep I feel like a creepy stalker so I try to move without waking her. She wakes as soon as I move and I look into her sleepy eyes my guilt oozing off me. “What’s wrong Rowan?” she is instantly concerned and wide awake. I reply softly letting her know how badly I feel. “I forgot to use a condom Lauri, I feel like an asshole. I can’t sleep because I promised not to hurt you.” She pulls me back to where I was lying and sleepily answers me with “It is okay Rowan. Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter.” Before she drifts off again and I breathe a sigh of relief. “Sorry sweetheart.” I manage to get out before she is fast asleep again.

  LAURI

  “And in the end we were all just humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love could heal our brokenness”.

  ~Christopher Poindexter

  Rowan and I had sex. No that sounds horribly wrong. We made love and it was un-fucking believable. Yes I said that, I mean the earth moved it was so good. It has been just as good every time since that too. We cannot seem to get enough of each other, I never knew that’s what it would feel like I never knew I could or would not only enjoy sex but love it. I love him so much that it hurts. I know that I will never be the broken wreck that he killed months ago, ever again. I may not be whole but I am a damn side closer to it than I have ever been before, I am loved and I think that is better than fixed. You cannot save people, you can only love them.

  Rowan was so gentle with me showing me that he would never hurt me, ever. He woke me in the night mumbling something about a condom I wasn’t listening and I really don’t want condoms between us what we have is more than that. I stopped getting pregnant three years ago I presume the repeated abortions and rape broke something in me. So I am not too concerned over it. He seemed to let it go after that and hasn’t asked or mentioned it again. I know he is clean since I do the filing around here and his monthly blood tests were amongst his Everest size pile of un-filed papers.

  This morning however, gentle Rowan had gone for a walk and the Rowan that seduced me in the shower was rough and hard and sexy as all hell. The way he moved and commanded my body was unbelievable. He was raw and I loved it. I like the slow gentle love making but the raw sex today showed me that I can let go to the primal desire that burns between us and enjoy him taking, I was afraid of been taken because that’s what Renzo did he took what he wanted. The difference is I want Rowan to take me and possess me because I know he will never hurt me. I like having this monster making love to me.

  It’s my restaurant opening today and I am a nervous wreck about it. I have been in the kitchen since the early hours of the morning prepping food and cleaning and just generally panicking about the impending lunch service that is about to start any minute. I know the first customers are already over at the wine tasting room and will be here any minute. I have my staff all trained and ready to go, Amya is here helping me in the front of house while I cook and manage the kitchen staff. I haven’t had chance to have a personal chat with her but her little wink when I got in here this morning lets me know she knows. It is in all likelihood written all over my face anyway. I wonder if Rowan has told Rob or Callum. Oh God I hope not I would just die of embarrassment if they knew just how new I was at all this. I must admit I am very much enjoying learning the arts of making love from Rowan. Its rather fun class to take when you love and trust your teacher, also when your teacher is sex on a stick hot you will learn anything from them.

  Amya comes bounding into my kitchen squealing. “They are here. The first customers are here.” I think she is more excited than I am right now, I suck in breath to try clam my nerves and remember this is what I was born to do. Or so I tell myself, but these days I wonder if I was born to be anything at all. I am a great chef and this is my dream coming to life right here. Before I can answer she has bounded back to the dining room. Rowan comes into the kitchen as the first orders are placed and slips his arm around my stomach and gives me a sweet kiss on the cheek. “You got this babe.” He mumbles into my neck, I shoo him off so I can cook. His faith in me makes me smile and I dive right into our first lunch service. The simple yet tasty menu is my best creation and the food seems to be flyin
g out of the kitchen and compliments flying in after each meal is served and my heart swells with pride at what I have managed to achieve since my new life began. I plate each dish as if it is my own work of art, the café smells of good food and the buzz of conversations fills the air in the big barn.

  When we close the kitchen at four in the afternoon I am exhausted but riding a high of positive energy. Rowan and I celebrate with the staff and our close friends after all my guests have left. Callum seems to be in a dark mood today and is not enjoying himself but I leave him be I am too happy to care right now. Rowan and I walk back home just before six; I am tired and smell of kitchen and food, I need a shower and my bed. I also need Rowan, this is all because he wanted me to live so desperately that he brought me back to life and it truly feels amazing. Once we are inside Rowan nuzzles my neck then pulls face at me scrunching up his nose. “Go shower sweetheart you smell of food.” He mocks me and sends me to get myself clean. I start stripping off my chef whites on the way down the passage and I can feel his eyes burning into my back. Oh I can tease with best.

  The hot water burns my skin and makes me feel alive under it. I have had the best week of my life, I am finally happy. This is what happy feels like, it feels so damn good. I hear Rowan come into our room while I am getting dry, he is on the phone and it doesn’t take long to hear him barking at Callum about his pissy attitude today. I wait in the bathroom until he is done I don’t want to get between whatever has been eating at the two of them but there seems to be a distance that wasn’t there before and its getting bigger every day. Callum is dark and brooding and moodier than a woman with PMS lately and I can’t be bothered to let him burst my happy bubble with his shit.