Colour My Ugly

by A. Giannoccaro

  Her tears are mirrored as they flow down my cheeks. She takes a breath before she speaks again. “I know you want this Lauri but go in with your eyes open. I closed my eyes to who Callum and Robin were, to who I was. I brought a baby into this world blinded to what would happen no matter what I did. You will have to choose if that baby is a monster or a victim of a monster Lauri, you will make the choice and it will kill you either way.”

  “You forget who your father was. He was just as big a monster as they all are. He chose and you became the victim.” Amya doesn’t say another word she gets up and goes to the bathroom to dry her cruel angry tears. I cannot move yet, her words have burst my perfect baby bubble. All I feel right now is sad and afraid and really hurt by the one friend I thought I had in my corner.

  I will have to choose whether to raise the next generation of murderers or the next victim. Everything goes cloudy and I know what is happening, before I can stand up all the way, before I can move the panic rips me from the world and I collapse on the patio floor with a thud. It’s black again. Only I don’t wish for death anymore I wish for Rowan to wake me from this nightmare to make me wake up in a normal world.

  ROWAN

  “It is such a soothing thing to know you exist inside me, and I in you. How terrifying it can become though, knowing that I carry a heaven and you, carry a tiny little hell”.

  ~Christopher Poindexter

  I had a plan for tonight, for Lauri’s birthday, not very well thought out plan, but a plan none the less. It’s all shot to shit now, I thought she was in the shower when I got home, I was going to slip in with her. Instead I found an empty bathroom and a pregnancy test dropped in the middle of the floor like she had run away from it screaming. I waited a long time before I went to find her; I just sat there holding it in my hand trying to understand how this could be happening. I am not sad, I am not angry, I am not even happy. I am scared. I have tried so hard to stop, to be someone better for her but its breaking me down, now a baby. How do I be me and be a dad? How the fuck did Mick do this, be everything?

  Amya has just come inside she has definitely been crying I think she finally told Lauri her story. It was bound to come up after I broke the baby news to them all. I look up out of the patio doors in time to see Lauri try to stand and then collapse the loud thud on the floor is like a punch in my gut. A panic attack, I thought we had left these behind. My body flies out of my chair up and over Callum to get her before I can even think. I dive onto the patio floor next to her, I check her breathing and pulse first then I lift her limp body up and carry her inside. Fuck. I know she will be out for a while now; I should have been paying more attention. What the hell did Amya tell her? My heart plummets in my chest I hope she is alright; I don’t know anything about pregnant woman. She has always been fine after an attack before, but now I don’t know what to do.

  I carry her to the room with a now panicked Callum, Robin and Amya following me asking stupid questions like is she okay? Does she look okay you fuckers? Their being here is irritating me now, I settle her on the bed and check her pulse it is steady so I shove them all out and leave her to rest she normally takes a while to come too after one of these I believe it was a defence mechanism in the past her body just goes into shut down until she is ready to deal.

  The four of us return to the lounge and Amya dishes up the dessert. The mood in the room is tense and my friends are all a little icy right now. I slump in my chair, how did my plan for tonight go so horribly fucking wrong. I am angry and disappointed and desperately want to be alone right now so I can just process all the things that have happened in the last few hours.

  Callum puts a hand on my back I know he is trying to say everything will be fine without words, but nothing is fine! None of us eat the dessert we all just sit there not saying anything at all; every movement and breath in the room can be heard through our silence. I rest my head in my hands and try to escape the storm of chaotic thoughts in my mind. I am going to be a dad; there is a little piece of me inside her now. How did Mick do this? Seriously I feel fucking ill just thinking of everything that could go wrong. I want to kill someone, a totally inappropriate reaction to becoming a father, but that exactly how I feel.

  Eventually I think out loud my brain is imploding with disappointment. “I bought her a ring for her birthday I was going to ask her… Now I never got the chance. Now it’s all wrong.” All three sets of eyes snap up and look at me like I just went completely mad, then their eyes move up behind me and I feel it, I feel her, I always can, Lauri is up and standing there and she no doubt heard me. Amya’s slack jaw and I just saw a ghost eyes are all I can see. I am too afraid to turn around right now; this was not how I had this planned out in my head. Lauri moves behind the couch and puts her hands on my shoulders pulling back into the suede couch she leans down I can smell her sweet vanilla smell. She whispers in my ear “Ask me Rowan.” No one else heard her but their eyes are all boring into us. “But not now, later when it’s just us.” She finishes. I breathe sigh of relief and she comes to sit in my lap, I cannot help the smile on my face now. Her are eyes still heavy after passing out she snuggles herself into my chest. This woman keeps my heart beating.

  Robin gives a fake yawn and says they need to leave; Callum catches his hint and follows them. They let themselves out tonight I stay right where I am holding my whole world in my arms. All I ever need is right here.

  After a short while of sitting alone in the silence, I lift her off my lap and I do this right. I am not good at doing the right thing, but I will be damned if I fuck this up. Lauri wears a sweet smile on her lips and there is a sparkle in her eyes. I kneel between her legs and hold her soft hands in mine, they are so small. I look into her hazel eyes that tell the story of hurt and pain and heartbreak and happiness and most of all the strength that has allowed her to survive to be here with me. I know we belong together no matter what, we may be all kinds of fucked up, but we work together. I want her to know that I love her and this the only way I can think to show her. I pull the ring out of my back pocket, it’s not traditional at all in fact it’s the opposite, I chose black gold with a deep red ruby the colour of the roses tattooed on her arms. It just seemed right when I saw it; I only decided to ask her when I saw this ring in the window of a shop. It was just like her beautiful, dark and light pulled together perfectly.

  “Marry me, please Lauri, be my wife, my partner, be my whole fucking world. Please say yes?” I ask her as she lets silent tears, the good ones, fall down her cheeks. “I love you Lauri.” She smiles, the smile that reaches her eyes and nods her head at me. I will take a nod. I will take anything that this woman gives me. “Yes. Rowan yes.” I slip the ring on her finger and her eyes dance with tears and love and fear. “I love you too Rowan. I love you too. Don’t hurt me now please; don’t hurt me because I said yes.”

  I carry her back to the room after that. That moment that is just ours, no one can take it from us because it only exists for us. We kiss and kiss and touch like we did in the beginning, exploring each other taking our time to enjoy and savour how we feel right now. We are both naked in very little time at all. I will never get tired of her. Ever. Tonight I want all of her. I want to taste her; I want to breathe her in. She is mine and I am not letting her go.

  Her body responds to my every touch, it always does. She arches into me as I kiss my way down her body her shivers and moans telling me I on am the right path. The night didn’t go quite as I planned but she said yes. Now I plan to show her exactly how much I love her, I touch her softly with my tongue and she shakes at the sensation. I make love to her with my mouth until she comes hard writhing and screaming my name between her short breaths. She claws at my shoulders I am sure she is drawing blood right now I enjoy the feeling of her ripping at my skin. I move myself back up over her and she pulls me close so she can kiss me, tasting herself on my lips. “Make love to me tonight Rowan. Please.” The need in her voice almost has m
e coming undone before I can even get inside her. I all of a sudden my brain switches on and sucks me right out of the mood. “What about the baby Lauri?” She looks at me like I am mad. “It’s fine Rowan, sex is fine.” Please don’t stop I need this tonight, I need you to take my body tonight.” I know what she means by that, so I make slow, soft, passionate love to the woman who has just agreed to spend eternity with me. I make love to Lauri over and over all night until we simply cannot anymore. We sleep tangled in one another and I cannot even begin to imagine how I ever slept without her in my arms.

  There are days in your life that define who you are and who you will become. The day my father died, the day I killed my first victim, the day Cassie jumped, the day I set foot in South Africa and the day I brought her home were many that would start defining me. Today is one of those days.

  Lauri agreed to marry me last night and the black and red ring on her finger is about the sexiest thing I can think of right now. We are going to see a doctor at the local private medical centre here and hopefully get to see an OB GYN while we are there too. I am a nervous wreck I was all okay with this while my brain swam in whiskey the soberness of this morning has me dry swallowing and anxious, thing I don’t usually feel. Lauri is train wreck; she is terrified absolutely terror-stricken at the thought of being near a doctor. I know she is happy about this baby, but her eyes show that sadness of the lost ones that went before this.

  As I walk through the door at the medical centre I know my life will again be changed forever.

  LAURI

  “Feel me as I fill you with my dust, the remains of who I was before my lips led me to yours will dwell in your bones. There they will live and there they will die and in them a new body will rise: awaken from the light of your soul.”

  ~Christopher Poindexter

  Eleven weeks three days, that’s how old the little baby I see on the screen next to me is, the tiny little jelly baby shape is jumping around. When I first saw the sonar machine I cringed and thought about saying I didn’t want to see at all, but last night’s panic episode had me worried and I needed to make sure that the baby was alright. I can see that the terror on Rowan’s face as he watches the screen. I know he wanted to punch the doctor because he actually had to touch me. I feel like a wheel rolling down a hill right now things are all going on around me too fast and I cannot stop. Rowan is clutching my hand so tight right now it’s hurting, he is memorized by the tiny baby that is bouncing on the screen. The hand he put a ring on last night burns where he grips it my ring cutting into the other fingers. The baby is still small enough that it could fit in the palm of the hand he is squeezing. I don’t hear a word the doctor says to me, I am focused on the baby and Rowan right now. I gave the doctor a very brief history of my “health” and he is concerned but not too much. I see a tear in the corner of Rowan eye that he quickly wipes away before it can be seen by anyone else. I think I just broke my monster for good.

  The moment that the whole world stopped spinning for me was when we heard the heartbeat of our child. Nothing existed beyond that sound and the look in Rowan’s eyes as he locked them on mine. The sound of that little thud thud wiped out anything else that existed before it. In those seconds I knew they were all that I ever needed.

  We collected my pre- natal vitamins at the pharmacy on the way out and Rowan drove us home. I think we were both too dumbfounded to say anything. But also we didn’t need to say it. When Rowan kissed me in the car park his kiss said all the things he couldn’t put into words, his fear, love and joy poured out in his kiss. I want to give him permission to be the monster he really is. I am going to do that, I don’t want this torn conflicted Rowan I need my Rowan, the murderer who loves me in spite of himself. Our baby needs that Rowan because he will need to teach our child to be fierce, bad and strong enough to navigate the world in which our family exists. This baby will be nobody’s victim; my baby will be born with murder in its tiny veins.

  Yes I want my child to be bad. In fact I want my child to be a murderer to be exact. That’s the honest truth, if my father had taught me to be a murderer I would have been far safer than I was being raised a good sweet girl. This world broke me more because I was weak; more than being bad would ever have broken me.

  I spend most of the ride home staring at my ring, the way the light catches the facets of the stone. The black gold is so fitting to us and the ruby is my favourite stone, I never even told him that he knew it without knowing. He better marry me before I get fat. My thoughts make me smile and Rowan squeezes my thigh catching me in them. “Penny for your thoughts? More if they are dirty ones about me.” He finally breaks the silence in the car, his humour making me feel lighter it is something rare from Rowan. “I was thinking you better marry me before I get fat.” He grabs my hand and kisses it. “I will marry you today if you want Lauri.”

  “I was thinking in the vineyards just us, Rob, Amya and Callum. Obviously some sort of minister.” I don’t want a wedding like I had before there is too much baggage attached to those ideals I hope he agrees. There will be no white dress or flower bouquet I want none of those things, I only want Rowan. “And how long do I have before you consider yourself fat? I don’t want to wait Lauri, not because you might get fat, which I doubt by the way, but because I want you to be my family I want to share my life with you. All of you. I never intended to wait.”

  I am mentally running through my calendar in my head right now. “Next Tuesday. I know it’s open in both our diaries.” He looks at me with a smile and a strange calmness in those stormy blue eyes. “Next Tuesday works for me.” He utters the words as he concentrates on the road.

  That’s the end of the discussion I guess we better let the rest of our little family know we are engaged and then drop the next Tuesday wedding bomb. When we arrive home at the estate Rowan tells me I need to hire in an extra chef at the restaurant as soon as I can, the idea irritates me but I understand his over bearing need to keep me safe right now. After an argument I do agree but I will still work one weekend in the month. I don’t need to hire in, my Sous chef is great and she can manage I will just get in another junior chef from the hotel school in the city. I like giving them a hand up to get their practical hours and they come cheap too.

  Rowan calls Callum almost right away and I call Amya to break our news to her and Robin. Rowan goes outside and sits on the patio I can see him through the glass doors from the kitchen but cannot hear him. His hand gestures suggest that he and Callum are having a more heated conversation than just the news of our engagement. Callum has been withdrawn and scarce lately. He even turned down a Charley’s cupcake the other day. He is acting strangely and I worry about what he may be up to, I am well aware of how shady his business is and how many illegal things he trades in. People included, Callum has his finger in every rotten pie Africa has to offer a career criminal with loads of money.

  Amya on the other hand is over the moon crazy excited and seems back to her normal self after crushing my baby dreams with her bitter anger last night. I tell her that we are not waiting and she agrees that it’s a good idea to get married quickly and before the baby arrives. She also knows a rent a minister that will marry us here and she offers to arrange things for me. We make plans to go dress shopping on Friday and I leave off with her demanding I send a picture of my ring.

  I send her a message with a photo of the ring. She replies right away.

  Robin says congrats and he is not wearing a suit. That ring is fucking awesome. Rowan is a genius. I still can’t believe there is woman in this world that could make our Rowan buy ring.

  I automatically start to prepare dinner for us; Rowan is still on the phone and looks to be yelling at Callum now. I worry about what is going on but I never interfere with the two of them my relationship with Callum is separate from him and Rowan. They do business together and they are friends and I think it can cause conflict sometimes.

  When Rowan comes in w
hile later he pours himself a scotch and me a glass of wine, I give him the side eye and he realizes his mistake. He pours it down the sink and gets me a juice from the fridge. He spends the next half hour harassing me and making it impossible to cook with his kisses and touches and very inappropriate remarks about what he wants to with me after dinner since the doctor said wild animal sex should still be fine as long as we are “feeling” it. Yes, Rowan used the term “wild animal sex” when talking to our doctor I think he was staking his claim.

  I can’t say I am not looking forward to the animal sex he is promising in fact all his dirty talking has me rather hot and bothered. By that I mean horny as hell, I am ready to forget the dinner and drag him to bed or have him take me right here on the counter but I am starving and the doctor said I need to eat right so Rowan will be counting every meal I skip.

  Rowan is mind reader, well he reads mine pretty well and before I can blink he turns the gas on the stove off and lifts me on the counter. He growls making a real animal noise as he pushes his body between my legs. He hikes the flouncy skirt of my dress up and I feel his jean clad crotch rub against my lace panties. The feeling has me desperately wanting more, but I know he won’t just give it to me, he is enjoying this too much right now. I can feel the cold granite counter top on my bare ass as he pulls me right to the edge of the counter top so he can remove my undies. His fingers find me next and slip right into my very wet and ready folds eliciting another growl from him this one is all sex and no animal. As his fingers drive me closer to the edge I fumble with the zip of his jeans. I slip my hand in the band of his boxers and find him hot and hard. The growl is louder as I grab his cock in my hand and stroke it hard. He is going to make me come right here on the kitchen counter I am already clenching around his fingers just waiting for him to push me over the edge. In one move he pulls his fingers from me and pushed his cock in deep and hard. That’s it, it’s all I need to see stars and shake and writhe and come all over him. Holy shit, animal sex in the kitchen is hot. Rowan continues to pound into me as I hold the edge of the counter as tight as I can. My body still tight and trying to recover from my orgasm but he has me building to another already. The cold granite is sliding under my bare ass as he kisses and sucks my neck and I feel him start to get closer to his release he bites down on the soft flesh at the base of my neck and we come together. All over the kitchen counter. After we both come down from our high he pulls out of me and fixes his jeans before lifting me off the counter, straightening my dress and turning the stove back on. I turn to go clean myself off I can feel his come running down my thighs. Rowan grabs me and pulls me into him and growls in my ear. “Leave it, I like that I am on you, you can feel that I was just there.” That’s all I need to want him to take me again right there on the kitchen floor but he doesn’t he just goes off to his office to do some work, leaving me wanting more.