Colour My Ugly

by A. Giannoccaro

  My nightmares are also out of control and I wake screaming most nights after dreams of my baby being brutally pulled from my body and left on the floor next my dead body. I know it’s my past playing tricks on my brain but I cannot make it stop. Rowan is getting worried about me, I can tell because he is working less and hovering like fly on shit and that is making things worse. I want to kill someone alright, and right now it is my amazing husband.

  I tried to talk to Amya, but with Callum going home and their father dying she has enough on her plate without my helping of crazy to add to it. She has been going all out with baby shopping and nursery make-overing in Rowan’s old room. I can’t get into the right head space to do all of that so I am grateful that she is feeling this excited about it. I am beginning to feel like as much as I wanted this baby, as much as I want to be a mother I am not going to get the chance and if I do I would be terrible at it.

  Rowan and I have asked Amya and Robin to be the baby’s god parents and they were over the moon happy to be asked to be such a special presence in our child’s life. They really are family to Rowan and I. The only ones we have left.

  I have a doctor’s appointment today and Rowan is home to come with me, I know he is already up and waiting for me I am dragging my ass to do anything this morning. I am secretly worried that he will be disappointed that it’s a little girl. I know we will love her no matter what but I know that every man wants a boy, that heir to their name it’s a big deal to them. I know I was bitterly disappointed for days after I found out and had to work hard to hide that from him too. I have accepted that I cannot change it and that my baby girl will be a strong independent amazing little person but I worry that Rowan will want to shield her from all the bad and I don’t want her to be vulnerable I don’t want her to be weak. I don’t want her to be me; I want her to be just like her Dad.

  I pull my hair up into a messy bun and drag my now fatter ass out of the room and into the kitchen to make us breakfast, I still won’t eat Rowan’s cooking, he has many talents cooking is not one of them. He is on the patio with coffee when I come through and start making some scrambled eggs and smoked salmon for him and one with fresh tomato and basil for me. I am all but vegan since I fell pregnant my baby hates meat, fish, chicken anything that was once alive. I call bullshit on morning sickness, I still feel sick and it is all day and night.

  I take our plates outside and kiss my husband good morning, something I will never get tired of doing no matter how crazy I feel. “Morning.” He smiles at me, this is our favourite time of day Breakfast has become somewhat sacred in our home and we don’t let the world in until we are done. My mouth tingles from his kiss and I want more of him. Breakfast is quiet and strained, there are secrets between us they are killing us both.

  We drive to my appointment in almost silence; I love that about us that we don’t need to be talking all the time. We are both comfortable in silence and Rowan can say more with those blue eyes than he ever could with words. Today the silence is cold and I can tell Rowan is angry at me over my erratic behaviour. I am more worried that I will see disappointment in those blue eyes when he knows this is a girl. I dread these appointments, I feel like leaving the house is a risk even if I am with Rowan when I do. I have become a bit of a recluse since the letters started coming I rarely leave the house and only leave the estate to go to Robin and Amya’s house. I have neglected the café which angers me that Renzo has again managed to rob me of my dreams. Fuck him, I hate him I wish to God I could just kill him now and be over with it. I have learned a new lesson in my time free of him, no one should pay for another person sins. I think we all pay for own sins. Renzo will pay for his one day, I paid for mine in advance and I don’t feel guilty for the things I do now. I know this baby will not pay for mine, Rowan’s or my father’s sins but only ever her own. Rowan will teach her to be strong and how to deal with our life.

  The Doctors rooms are busy as always, filled with expectant mothers, nervous fathers and a whole lot of hormones. I sit in the corner next to Rowan who grabs my sweaty hand. He is well aware that I have an irrational fear that the doctor will hurt or steal my baby and he tries to be at every appointment if he is not here then Amya holds my hand. I chase the panic back down with every swallow of water from my bottle, I hate coming here, and I loathe doctors. It is hard to control the clawing and suffocating that starts inside when I see him.

  I jump when my name is called I was lost in my head again; I keep my breathing controlled and do everything I can to avoid a panic attack. Today we get to see our daughter on one of these fancy 4D scans and I am rather excited about that. Every time I see her she is more real, more mine and I feel the fiercest need to keep her safe. I will do anything for her; I will die to keep her safe.

  I can see Rowan is nervous when he leans down to where I lie on the table and kisses my cheek, he hates that the doctor actually has to touch me and I feel him squeeze the shit out of my hand as the screen springs to life and we see out sweet baby girl, she is sucking on her little hand, the image is so clear so amazing I can’t make words, all my brain can do is see her and feel Rowan. I turn my head for a second to see his face, all I see is a tear fall down his cheek he doesn’t wipe it he doesn’t stop looking at the screen and I turn back.

  “So daddy, do you want to know what it is?” The doctor asks him in an all business tone that is too chilling for the warmth and emotion of this moment. “Hm, um yes, please.” Rowan manages to croak out over the giant lump I know is in his throat. The doctor moves the ultrasound wand around a little and prods my ever expanding belly a little to get her to move. “Well daddy, this is definitely a young lady in here.” He starts to point out things and explaining to Rowan, but I don’t hear a thing I just feel his grip tighten and I see the tears flowing down his cheeks, no one sees Rowan cry, no one sees the soft side of the monster, ever, this moment is one of very few where his guard is down and his love is at surface where it can be seen. I close my eyes to try keep my own tears from falling and I feel his wet cheek press against mine so he can whisper to me softly. “A baby girl, thank you Lauri, thank you.” He sniffs back more tears.

  The doctor hands us a usb drive with pictures and a video of our little girl as we leave the room, I cannot wait to show Amya. He schedules my next appointment for three weeks time. I dread it already.

  Rowan kisses me hard as he helps me back into his car. His kiss speaks a thousand words, the one hear loudest, my husband is scared; he is never scared of anything. This little baby girl scares the living crap out him and I know it. He isn’t disappointed as I thought he would be instead he is overjoyed and scared. Who would have thought a sweet little baby could bring a big bad murderer to his knees and make him cry.

  Once we are on the road Rowan finally says something. “So what should we call her?” the name debate, my heart sinks, here we go I have avoided all name conversations with everyone because I have no name ideas at all, not even one. Shit, shit, shit. “What do you want to call her?” I try deflect this to him. I know it won’t work but I try anyway. He shakes his head the smile from earlier still there big and bright. “You don’t have a single name do you?” Caught out. “Nope, not even one.” I confess with a laugh. We are the worst possible parent combination ever and I find it rather funny to be honest. “Avery.” I look at him with my jaw hanging and snap it shut when I realize. “I like Avery.” He continues. I don’t have any reason to argue, it’s a beautiful name and I don’t have any cause not to like it, but I know it was Callum’s mother’s name. “Avery.” I say it aloud rubbing my baby bump. “I like Avery, but will Cal be okay with that?” I know already that she is Avery, it’s right I only had to say it once to know that it was her name. “Never mind, I don’t care, I love it and I know her name is Avery nothing else will go now that you called her that.”

  Rowan grabs my hand and smiles at me; he is so happy right in this moment, I love these moments with him, but I love those
I spend with the bad man inside him too.

  When we arrive home Rowan takes me to bed and has his way with me. He has been honest with me that pregnant sex really doesn’t do it for him so these truly intimate moments have been few and far between lately but right now he needs to lay his claim on me. He needs this right now and good Lord so do I.

  Satisfied, smelling of sex and curled up close to each other we fall asleep. I love him and this baby so much that it is breaking my heart just to know that I have those feelings inside me. I have to tell him the truth, I know it now.

  The nightmares rip us from our happy place late in the afternoon.

  RENZO

  “What haunts us is not the silly ghosts or the spirits or the demons that we have been told of when we were younger. What haunts us, what truly haunts us, to the point of trembling hand, quivering feet and frightened lungs is the heart wrenching fear of never making sense to another human being.

  ~Christopher Poindexter

  She is alive. She lives and breathes and fucking worse she loves him, a man just like her fucking father. I hate her every bone in my body burns with the need to make her suffer as I have suffered my whole life because of her Father. Her scars must match mine her pain equal mine and I feel dead, so should she.

  Past

  I am under the bed, I hide here often so my daddy won’t find me if he is mad. He left already though. He shouted at my mommy about the baby that it’s not his bastard. I am not sure why the baby makes him so angry all the time it’s not even born yet. I make him angry all the time but I am here. Mommy is on the bed above me so I cannot leave I just lie here and hear her crying. She has been crying for a long, long time now. I am getting hungry and sad listening to her but I am afraid to come out and make her cross too.

  The door opens, I am scared daddy is back, but those are not his shoes I know his shoes I saw them leave. Mommy screams, so loud I can’t understand what she says I stay still I don’t move. There is loud bang and then quiet. The edge of the bed cover lifts and I see his face as he pulls me out by my throat. The devil is my house and he is going to hurt me. He hurt my mommy I can see her blood dripping on the floor behind me.

  The devil locks me in my room and I hear him leaving the house I cannot get out, I cannot get to my mommy. I claw at the door until my fingers bleed and I cannot anymore. I crawl under my bed and cry.

  I wake up when daddy comes home. I was wrong the devil never left he just possessed my daddy. I know I am going to hurt forever. The devil stole my mommy and now she cannot save me ever again.

  You see the devil that stole my mother was her father. I killed my father, my devil when I was twenty. He fucking deserved to die; my body, my mind and my heart were crushed, broken and scarred forever by his cruelty. When killing Mick brought me no peace I knew I had to find her, I had to have her and make her pay. The way I paid all my life, suffer the pain, wear the scars. The thing is monsters are born of monsters I am proof of that. I didn’t want any more monsters so I never let her have my children. I took them from her like Mick took my baby brother. I took and took until I didn’t need to take anymore. I was better we matched inside and out, I couldn’t break her any more. It was done, so I hired a monster to kill her. She died; it was nice little accident I could not afford any unwanted attention. She was dead and the devil left me alone for a while. Then I saw her in the newspaper all happy and real and alive and living the dreams I ripped away from her. She cheated death, stole my peace again. The devil is alive again. I am that devil and this time I will kill her with my own hands.

  I have had someone stalking her for a few months now but today’s update has me floored. She is pregnant, I want no part of that and I don’t want any part of their monster so for now I will wait. He can keep the stupid monster I just want what is mine to take; her last dying fucking breath will be mine. I hate her with such a deep darkness that I know I cannot live until she dies. She will die, I won’t let her live, she needs to pay the price for what her father took; she has to pay with her life. His was not enough for me.

  I will wait, but I will watch her from afar until it’s time for her to die. She will not be happy, fucking devil child. I am not a well man you see my mind is broken; it broke as my body broke for years and years at the hand of my father. My scars burn with the fire of hell and the only way to put it out is to kill her, again. It worked before.

  ROWAN

  “The ghost of the child I never was has finally caught up with me.”

  ~Raine Cooper

  “I have to go work now sweetheart.” I tell her as we lay tangled in each other on the couch. “Take me with.” I do a double take but the raw rage in her eyes today tells me she needs this so I will not argue with it; I know what happens if you don’t feed the kind of monsters we carry in us. That and arguing with a pregnant lady is just stupid, you will lose or she will cry and you will give up, so don’t bother.

  “Okay, you might want to do this one. If you up to it.” I wonder about her ability to do this at eight months pregnant but I dare not even mention that out loud or I may be the one who gets killed tonight. “MmmHmm I am. I need this today please Rowan.” She has been angry and somewhat pissy all week so I am not going to stop her. It’s not a hard job but she hasn’t had to kill a female target yet so she might back out when we get there. I will take her with anyway sometimes she is all about watching and learning. I have feeling today that won’t be enough though. Some switch went off earlier in the week. She is different. Something is wrong but she won’t say what.

  We had another doctor’s appointment this week and he has scheduled her for a C-section in four weeks’ time. She is not impressed having wanted a natural delivery. Secretly I am relieved. Childbirth sounds fucking horrific the thought of it has me swallowing the bile rising in my throat. I know she is afraid of doctors and having them hurt or take the baby away from her. I understand her fear, but the doctor doesn’t. He thinks she is another earth loving hormonal crazy woman. Which she somewhat is. I was given a long long lecture about how I am under no circumstances to leave Avery; I am to go where the baby goes even if that means leaving her. I don’t know if I could make that choice but she has made me promise on all things holy that I will not leave Avery alone with anyone. I have no doubt that if I did she would kill or maim me after.

  I am terrified of the day coming. If I am to be honest it all scares the shit out of me, but I love her more than anything in this world, her and our baby girl. I will die for them both.

  But right now I agree to take my stubborn pregnant wife out to murder someone. We understand each other, this is who we are and that’s alright. When you are born into a life of crime, and particularly a life of murder certain things are a given. It’s in you and nothing will take it away.

  “Let’s go then sweetheart.” I say as I stand to go to the office and get ready for the job ahead. I keep a bag for her in here now too. She isn’t going to let this go so I am embracing it. She did that for me. Her darkness, her monster was hidden under the hurt and abuse for so long, it was there but it just hadn’t found a way out of her. She needs this every bit as much as I do. Maybe more. I never had to suffer the darkness of another.

  She kisses my cheek as she changes into a pair of dark jeans and a black lace top that fits very snug over her baby belly. She knows that the whole pregnant lady thing is not a turn on for me at all. I do not find it to be all hot and glowing and sexy, to me it’s gross. I just can’t do it easily. I was honest right in the beginning that I was not turned on by the bump at all, but in that shirt with her bra all showing off her now very big boobs I have to adjust myself in my pants a little. Fuck my wife is sexy. Her colourful skin shows through the lacy top and I cannot help but want to do very bad things to her on my desk right now. Right now we have a job. When we get home I intend to do all kinds of bad things to her on my desk or any place I can get her.

  I was already nursi
ng a hard on when we left home but now, holy fucking shit-balls. The sight of her with her gun pointed at the quivering mess of a woman at her feet has me straining against my pants. When I see her like this, in control and filled with the rawness of taking the life of another person I want her even more. I know we are meant for each other in the most basic way. We fit.

  The crying woman is asking her why, spewing things like you are pregnant you can’t be a killer. Ha stupid bitch that makes her want to kill you even more right now. See this woman decided that she was going to play God, she took control of a situation that she had no right to interfere in and now, now she is going to pay for it. Lauri is just the person to do it. When I told her that her husband wanted her gone because she forced her step daughter to have an abortion she got a smile on her face. I know that smile I get it when I have to kill someone who really deserves to die. I keep that smile for the scum of the earth. This woman she made a big mistake, I know her husband personally. I have worked for him before, never a personal job only business but she should have known better than to cross that man. He has bodies in his wake and you don’t cross him and live.