He dances on our side of the fence, a hard cold man who loves his daughter more than money and he loves his money a whole lot. Trophy wife over here was just stupid. Fucking stupid. Babies are a trigger for Lauri and I know she needed this today but now I know she will enjoy it even more now. Lauri rarely talks to her victims unless they are rapists. She gives this lady the same little talk.
“You took something that didn’t belong to you?” She states it very calmly to the mess of a woman on the floor her eyes go wide as she sputters out her words “I never stole anything.” Lauri puts her foot on her head now pressing it into the dirty ground. “Wrong, you stole a life. An innocent baby that had no voice but that of its mother and you took it away. You selfish coward. I am going to take something from you. Your life for that life. Then it’s even.” She doesn’t talk back to Lauri this time and I watch her tears fall onto to the red dust below her head. Lauri bends down slowly and not very gracefully to whisper something to her and she closes her eyes tightly so that her nose wrinkles and Lauri pushes the gun into her temple before firing it. She empties the gun in her head. Over- kill I know but she needed this tonight, I can see it straight away, she is alive again. I fucking love her. I clean up, I always do, and then I make the call to tell the customer that it’s done before I return to my wife waiting in the car. Car sex is out since she is getting so big but I know that’s what she is thinking, I plan to give her exactly what she wants over my desk when we get home, baby bump or not.
Damn that fucking shirt to hell, I don’t know if I can make home, I can barely focus on driving with her hand down my pants. Yes she has her hand down my pants and she is doing fucking amazing things to my cock with it. I am almost ready to come in my pants by the time we turn onto the estate road. As I close the garage doors behind us and she turns to me a wicked smile on her face and the look in her eyes is pure lust, she wants me as much as I want her right now. As I open her door she pounces and I mean pounces on me, I grab hold of her as she starts to kiss me, her hands in my hair and her legs around my waist. I don’t even notice the baby between us, my hands grab her ass and I carry her inside to my desk. Oh fuck yes this happening right now, I rest her ass on my desk and I start kiss down her neck and throat I grad her boobs through the lace of her shirt and they feel so good. I love how big they have gotten; they tease me every time I see them. Her hands, god damn, her hands are in my pants again and I know this is not going to be long and drawn out, she wants me to fuck her and she wants me to hurry the hell up. I pull her shirt over her head in one sharp tug and her black bra is right there in my face. A loud moan escapes her lips as I pinch her nipples through the satin. She shoves me back hard and pulls at the zip of my jeans. I help her out by shoving them down to the floor and stepping out of them. She is already working hers down her thighs when I look up again. I spin her around so her elbows are resting on my desk, things flying to floor over the other edge as I grab hold of her ass and thrust into her hard and with a need that I cannot explain she may have got what she needed tonight but I certainly didn’t and my monster wants to play right now. The hummingbirds that dance down her spine are right under my eyes and her body is writhing and pushing against mine. Forcing me deeper with every thrust she feels so fucking good as she tightens around me I know she is about come apart and it’s all I can do to control myself. I need her, all of her. Fuck she is amazing. Before I can think about it I can feel myself let go with one hard thrust and she is there with me falling over the edge of place that we can only go together. I can only get this from her; this feeling is all hers and it’s fucking amazing.
I carry her spent body to the shower, she still had blood spattered on her face and it’s so sexy I get hard all over again. I can tell that she is exhausted and I wash her as she stands under the water, steam blurring the air around us so all I can see is the colours, no ugly, and no darkness just the colours painted on her body.
It’s late when we slide into bed next to each other. She has her head on my chest resting right on the heart tattoo. Her long dark hair draped over me and her face. “Thank you Rowan.” She says softly her hand moving in circles across my skin. I just pull her closer I know what she needs and right now it’s this closeness and a good night’s sleep.
I wake to her screams, I lean over to hold her and get her through another nightmare only she is not there. That wakes me completely and I fly out of bed. “Lauri, where are you, what’s wrong.” All I get is another scream. Something is wrong. Where is she, fuck I bolt out of bed and turn on the light, she isn’t in our room or the bathroom. I feel the panic rising in me as I fling the bedroom door open. The scream is louder now, and I find her collapsed on the floor in the nursery next door to our bedroom. She is clutching her stomach in the foetal position and her screams could wake the dead. I dive down beside her, she isn’t dreaming, this isn’t a nightmare- she is awake. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I don’t know what to do I try to hold her and she screams louder. After that she catches enough breath to seethe at me “Now Rowan, hospital. Baby, now.”
You have to be fucking shitting me right now, it’s too early, and it’s not for four weeks. I am frozen on the floor for a long moment before I realize I need to get myself together. I stand up and scoop her in my arms, fuck the baby bag and all that shit, I will send Robin for it later we just need to go. I manage to put her into the car with little effort but she screams like a banshee every few minutes. My heart is pounding so hard I fear it may stop, my palms sweat so hard that they slip on my steering wheel and I can feel the film of nervous sweat over my whole body. This cannot be happening right now. “Please God, I know I’m a monster but keep her and my baby safe.” I realize that she hasn’t screamed in few minutes and when I stop praying I look over and I see she has lost consciousness. There is a large blood stain on her sweat pants. I reach over and feel if she is breathing, her breaths are shallow but they are there. Fuck, it takes twenty minutes to reach the hospital in Stellenbosch which is the closest to the estate. I park in an ambulance bay I will pay the fucking fine they can tow my car-I don’t care a shit.
Once we get inside, it’s a blur of doctors, nurses, blood shouting, panic and the smell of bleach. I am not allowed in theatre like our doctor promised and I am shoved aside against a wall when they storm past with my little Avery in an incubator I want to see Lauri make sure she is safe, but her words ring in my ears and I charge after the baby and up to the NICU. My brain is still stuck on this cannot be happening right now when a nurse stands in front of me and demands, “Take your shirt off.” What the fuck? My face must reflect exactly what I am thinking because she quickly talks again. “Your baby needs skin to skin contact and mommy is still in theatre- take off your shirt.” Like a robot I do, I hear her suck in breath at the sight of my tattoos. She shoves me into a chair and places my little angel on my chest right over the heart that showcases my sins. It’s like her little body covers it, takes it away. It melts. All the ugly melts with her there on my chest. I cry. I just sob silently at this little person resting on me. She is early but she will be fine, she is strong, just like her mommy. She will spend a few days in here until her lungs are ready to do what they need to on their own but she will be fine. I am afraid to ask the nurse about Lauri, but I have to know I feel as if something is missing from me, she should be here.
“She is alright, as soon as she is awake they will bring her up here, you can go to her if you want and wait for her to wake up.” And have her kill me as soon as she does, I think not. I shake my head at her. I will stay with the baby, I feel the relief flood over me, both of my girls are just fine. I could stay like this forever.
The bright pink of Avery’s skin covering the ugliest part of me is the most precious thing I will ever see. Mick was right all those years. There is nothing on earth like this feeling; nothing could fill my heart like she has. Her skin is wrinkled and soft, every little finger is perfect as they bunch into tiny fists, perfect, my perfect baby. I close
my eyes and doze off with this little angel on my chest.
LAURI
“What cannot be said will be wept”.
~Sappho
The day after Rowan learned the sex of our baby I got a letter from Renzo, a different note this time. Bone chilling and bitter sweet, I could breathe but only for a little while.
Little One,
A baby. Really you are going to have a baby with that murderer? He is just like your father. I want no part of your monster child so I will leave you to have his baby for now. I hope it ends up just like you, paying for the things he does. Enjoy this time Little One, once that filthy fucking child is born I will come to take what is mine. I will come to kill you. I need this to end and it ends with you. I was happy while you were dead; I need to be happy again.
Renzo
I take the letter to Robin that afternoon and ask him to add seven numbers to my heart. I have been out with Rowan to work a few times now and I have extinguished more souls. Lives that I have taken and I loved every second of doing so. Robin reads the letter and sinks into his chair I see what I am afraid is a tear in his eye. “Losing you will break him forever Lauri, we need to tell him, we have to stop this from happening. This. Will. Kill. Him.” His words rip my heart open. I know it will but if he kills me it’s over he said so, I would gladly die to keep Rowan and our child alive and Robin understands that deep down I know he wishes every day that they would have killed him and not their little boy. “Promise me you will help him Robin. Callum is gone and you two are all we have. I need to know that he won’t be doing this alone. I need you to promise me.” I know what I am asking is a lot from them but Robin is the closest thing to a family that Rowan has and Amya is his only connection to Callum the only brother he ever had. He will need them. Avery will need them. I hand him a pile of envelopes that are filled with a different kind of letter, I wrote to Rowan and Avery, if Renzo kills me and I know he will I want them to read these.
“It’s a little girl you know Rob.” I break the awkward silence between us. “I know, and she will be family to Amya and I, just as you and Rowan are.” I needed to hear that from him. “I have to tell her about this now Lauri, I cannot keep secrets from my wife. This is too much to ask.” I am surprised he hasn’t already told Amya in all honesty. I know that he tells her everything. He even told her about my numbers. She was sad but understood. I nod, I knew he would tell her and I know she will be pissed.
After I leave Robin I put the note out of my head and I decide to just let it be, no past, no future just right now. All I have is right now. I need to be the best I can for our baby right now I need to keep her healthy and inside me as long as I possibly can.
My doctor has decided on a C-section in four weeks from now. I really wanted to do this naturally, that way I could hold until the absolute last second. Having a date and time when Avery will be born means having a deadline on how long I get to be safe and with the people I love. It scares me, I feel out of control. I feel powerless and that fuels something in me that I now know how to release. I am not so sure Rowan will let me work with him so late in the pregnancy but I am going to ask. That and I am going to tie him up and rape him if he doesn’t get himself in the mood soon. He was very honest with me as soon as I really started to show that it was very uncomfortable for him and simply didn’t do it for him. I understand, not every guy is one that thinks pregnant ladies are sexy. I certainly don’t feel sexy I feel, fat and ugly to be honest. That doesn’t mean I don’t still want sex, in fact I want it more than ever.
I had to do a double take when Rowan simply agreed to me working with him tonight. I was ready to argue, pout, stamp my feet even, but he just said yes. I think he understands that I need it, the way I know when he needs to let the darkness out. I can feel it ooze out of him, it consumes him and the only way to calm that storm is to watch the life drain from the eyes of another. I cannot explain to someone who hasn’t killed what that feeling does, it calms you, energizes you, releases you and fills the void all at once. It’s a need that cannot be explained and cannot be stopped either.
It was easy to kill her once I heard what she had done. No one has the right to make that choice for another, no one ever. She deserved to die, and I enjoyed killing her. Rowan enjoyed watching me kill her I could tell when I stuck my hand down his pants on the way home while he undressed me with his eyes. I could feel him eye fucking me as I emptied my gun into her. His eyes are dark and I can tell that he needs me tonight. Baby or no baby we will be having dirty animal sex, I don’t want to wait to get home but there is no way we can make it work in the car right now, I am fucking huge.
Rowan fucked me over his desk; it was everything we both needed. I felt in control again, I felt his love, his demons and his chaos in the way he took my body right there and I gave it to him. I have become a bad person, I think I always was, but now have been set free to be truly myself. The colours on my skin took away Renzo’s ugly but I have an ugly all my own in me now and I have never felt so free, so at ease with who I am and so eager for the future. Something happens when you become a murderer, you learn that we all have a finite number of days to live, that life is cheap and we are all expendable. I know that my time is limited, that doesn’t make me want to live less just more.
I wake up in agony and get up to go to the toilet, I realize immediately that I am not just in pain I am having contractions. This is it; my time is up right now my baby girl is coming. I scream from the pain, something is wrong, something is wrong. I keep screaming hoping to wake Rowan I have made it into the nursery I need my bag. The pain is ripping through me, I am not scared of pain, but this is something else this feels like it might kill me. It is the fear of losing my little girl.
It all goes black. I might be dead; I don’t know I can’t pull myself back so it’s not a panic attack. The pain is still ripping me in half and I can’t make it stop either. Please let Rowan find me, please let Avery be safe. I cannot let this baby die, rather let me die please rather let me die. Black, it takes me away from the pain and panic.
I open my eyes its bright, bleach, I smell bleach burning in my nostrils. I hate that smell; I hear a beeping sound as I slowly become more aware of where I am. I am suddenly chocking on fear and panic my hands tell my stomach is flatter than it was, my baby is gone. Where is she? I start to scream and trash in the bed, where is she? Where is Rowan? Is he here?
A large nurse pins me down her elbow across my chests crushing me into the bed she talks quietly but firmly to me. “You are in the hospital, you had your baby, she is fine, you are fine, and she is with your husband. If you keep screaming I have to sedate you and then you cannot go up there and see them. If you calm down when I let go I can take you to them in a few minutes. OK. Are you going to stop?”
I breathe in and nod at her. She is rather scary, but I want to see my baby, I want to see Rowan. At least he kept his promise to me. He went with her, he never left her alone.
Nothing could have prepared me for the sight that was waiting for me in NICU. Rowan was asleep on a chair, his chest bare and all his tattoos on display. Right where his heart is drawn on was curled up the tiniest little pink angel asleep on her daddy’s chest. She has tubes in her little nose and there are machines and monitors beeping all around us. I hear none of it and all I see is the two of them. I knew right then that nothing in this world could take me from them, nothing could feel like this moment, this love. That little pink baby had coloured the ugliest parts of us with love.
We may be monsters but for now, just for now she was an angel. Our angel. Avery.
I don’t wake them I just sit and watch them sleep, while the tears flow silently down my cheeks. I weep for my baby girl because she can only be an angel for a little while then she must find her darkness, her monster, her ugly. She won’t choose it, no she was born into this just like Rowan and I. There is no choice for the children of murderers.
ROWAN
“Know your own darkness so you can see: you are born in your ruin. You are so terribly beautiful, so unbearably human.”
~Mia Hollow
I woke to find Lauri holding Avery in her arms, she looked so beautiful in that moment her dark hair tumbling over her shoulders and those hazel eyes with the whisper of a tear in the corner. Our little girl was dressed now and the sweet little pink bundle stood out against the black and red of her skin something soft against her hardness. I don’t know why it works that way but in an instant I knew that I would kill anyone who tried to harm them. My monster would not be controlled where they are concerned.
It was two weeks before we were allowed to take her home from the hospital and they seemed to be the longest two weeks of my entire life. Robin and Amya were fixtures at the hospital taking shifts to be with us around the clock, as hard as know it was for Amya I saw something awaken in her when she held Avery, something that had died with her little boy so long ago. This little girl is healing so many hurts just by being here. I never wanted anything from my life, I simply lived each day as it came, you cannot be disappointed when you don’t want anything I learned that as a young boy. Now in this time I realise that just maybe I always wanted this maybe I needed this. Lauri and I were meant to find each other broken because nothing could have fixed me like she has. I am whole for the first time in my life the darkness and the light are all one and I am something more important than what I do. I am a father, a husband and finally more than just a bad man. I am not just a murderer, I am her Daddy.
I sit here looking out over the vineyard we call home, I never called it home before Lauri came it was just a place then. Now the colours of the valley and the sky take me away for a moment and I take it to pray. I sat right here and prayed once that God would give her to me, I begged him in fact. Now I sit here and pray again, I was raised a Catholic so I know he will listen to me even though I am the worst kind of sinner. I hang my head into my hands and let the thoughts flow out of me. I know you listen God, I also know I have no right to ask you for anything, but I am going to ask you anyway. Please let me be enough, let me be enough for the both of them. You have given them to me and I will protect them, love them and give them the world but please let me be enough. I won’t be able to live without them.
Colour My Ugly Page 29
