There are very few things in the world that can make me smile, and I mean smile from the inside out. Seeing my wife being a mom to our baby is one of them. Her sweet little hands against the canvas that is painted on my skin is another. The only other time my soul smiles like this is when I kill someone, when I watch the life drain from them and the spark leaves their eyes dull and I know I did that. I made a promise to my wife when I taught her to take that same pleasure; I promised that I would teach Avery too. That when she was old enough to know who we are she would not be hidden or protected, she will be made fierce and strong. I want so savour the gentle time while I can. The innocent times need to last as long as we can possibly make them.
I feel tides turning and things changing in our world and I fear that things may not be as they are for long. I fear Callum’s silence and the fact that his business here has all but disappeared. I fear deep in my soul that he was right about us staying hidden from the families that control the underworld back home. I know that both Lauri and Avery would be targets, I am a ghost no one knows what happened to that lad, only Mick and Callum knew. I need to keep us all safe but the burning in my gut tells me that we won’t be safe here forever. I miss Callum; I miss that I could talk to him when I felt like this, this darkness that has no light. I know I have Robin but he chose to bury his monster and I cannot unload mine on him. He knows who we are and what we do but he wants no part of this life for himself. He was not born a monster he chose it, and then he chose to let it go again. I don’t have that choice.
I need to do something, anything, my thoughts are driving me crazy I am becoming obsessed with having them in my sights all the time that if I just blink they will be gone and I will be alone again. I need to go and do something, I need to work. I shuffle through my inbox and there are a few jobs waiting after the two weeks I have spent doing nothing and I pick one at random and start getting myself ready when Lauri’s head appears around the corner. My eyes meet hers and she is smiling at me. “I was coming in here to ask you to please go kill someone. You are driving me a little crazy, I promise I won’t break her while you’re gone.” She tells me with mock sarcasm. I love that she knows exactly what I need right now. I feel guilty leaving them, which is something new but I need this right now. Lauri comes in and plants a kiss on my cheek. “Go Rowan, I love you it is alright that you need this. I need it too.”
As the sun goes down over the ocean to my left I am filled with sense of dread, I never feel this way about work. Tonight something is off. My head is not in the right place. It’s at home with my girls. Fuck, how can I need this and them so much that I cannot separate the parts of me anymore? I shake my head and focus on the road and the job. Just get it done Rowan, and go home.
I fucking hate feelings; this was so easy when I had none at all.
LAURI
“When demons come and beckon you to the darkness unknown, do something so brave, so defiant, it will render you immortal; leap into the shadows alone.”
~Mia Hollow
Rowan hasn’t been gone long when I put Avery in her crib to sleep. Peace and quiet. No visitors, no one but me tonight. I go out onto the patio and breathe I just breathe in the cold night air it fills my lungs almost burning in them. I needed a moment just a small bite of time where I could just be silent an still. The last two weeks have been hard on Rowan and I, but it’s over. Our baby is home safe and despite all my fears and insecurities I can be a mom. Rowan being a dad has just made him even sexier in my eyes, he loves that sweet little pink bundle so much I see it in his eyes. The storm is all but gone form the blue when he looks at her.
I close my eyes for a few minutes I am so tired, but I don’t want to sleep just yet.
I sit there with my eyes closed for a long while replaying the arrival of Avery in our lives. It turns out animal sex after murder induces labour for any ladies wanting to get the show on the road. It’s funny to us now but that night it was nothing but fear that I felt. The cold icy grip of fear had taken hold of every part of me and I had a panic attack while in labour so I missed the moment that she entered this world. I feel my scar it’s still sore and tender to touch but it makes it all real. I am not afraid of pain, I am afraid of many things but pain is not one of them.
I am deep in my own mind when I hear it, I feel the whisper of the words on my cheek and there my fear is. “Hello, little one.” I don’t have time to panic; my eyes fly open to the fucking devil standing in front of me. I know why he is here; he said he would come for me. I am torn between fighting him and going quietly when he speaks again. “If you fight me little one I will kill him and the baby too, if you just go quietly and let me end this I will walk away after and they live.”
He made my mind up for me I will not fight him; I love Rowan and Avery too much to place them in any danger I will not have their souls on my conscience. I know he will leave them alone he prides himself on keeping promises. So I look him in his dark devil eyes and make him say it “Promise me you leave them alone.” He is smiling, an evil smile I know in all the worst parts of my mind. “You know I keep my word little one, so yes, I promise.” I nod at him and say silent prayer in my head. Please let Rowan come home don’t leave her all alone for long. Please forgive me for the monster in my soul and please make sure that this man pays for his sins too. Let this be quick I am done. I know that I have loved, and that I was loved more than I ever deserved to be. I know that Rowan will be broken, but I also know that Avery will heal him. Thank you for letting Rowan be mine. He set me free; I am ready to die this time. God I will die so that they can be safe from this devil.
I see the distaste on his face at the sight of my tattoos. He no longer sees me as something he wants only as an object that needs to be eliminated. I stare right into the barrel of his gun. And I know it’s the end. I breathe in one last lung full of the air around me all I get is his smell and I wish I hadn’t breathed at all. The cracking noise deafens me first, and then the searing burning pain rips through me. Then…Black. It takes me quickly.
This time I know I am dead, I know because I am sitting next to my bleeding body as I watch the devil walk away into the darkness. His big frame outlined in the moonlight as I can see his demons are finally gone, killing me has brought him to life. I know he won’t come back for them this was always about me. I am not ready to go yet, I leave myself outside and go and sit by my baby girl, the noise has woken her and I can do nothing to ease her cries except hope that Rowan returns soon.
Avery has been crying for hours when I hear Rowan return home. I leave her and wait for him by my body. I may be dead but I still feel and I feel his heart shatter into a million pieces as his body hits the floor next to mine. I hear his sobs and screams piercing my soul. He clings to my bleeding body and begs God to bring me back, I need him to let me go and go to Avery. She needs him now, he is all she has.
After a long while of crying and begging God he finally registers her screams. He finally hears that she is still here and she needs him. I hear his whisper to me, “I love you; I cannot just let you go.” But he does he leaves me and goes to his little girl. Her screams stop when he picks her up in his arms and holds her to his chest. He holds her to his broken heart until she sleeps again. When she does he phones Robin and he tries Callum what seems to be a hundred times. Oh Callum where are you? He needs you so much right now. I still cannot bring myself to go. I know I will have to go, but I am not ready yet.
So I just wait. I watch them all cry for me I listen to him yell and scream and curse. I watch him smash things and drown out the hurt with his scotch straight from the bottle. I can see the storm in his eyes and my heart breaks.
Robin hands him my letter as he walks through the door. I cannot watch him read it so I go and sit with Amya and Avery in the nursery. My friend cries for me as she feeds my little girl. Her tears are silent I know she is trying not to upset the baby with her heart ache. She is sad and angry and cannot u
nderstand why I didn’t try to stop this. I had to keep them safe and this was the only way I could do that.
ROWAN
“In the end, when our eyelids find their infinite darkness, you will know that our bodies were tiny universes, and that I loved you with a thousand seas.”
~ Christopher Poindexter
My Dearest Rowan,
I know right now your heart is broken. That this has broken you in every way. I chose not to tell you because I knew that it would happen no matter what, but if you knew and tried to stop him Avery would lose us both. She needs you so much, and will need you every single day of her life.
Thank you, thank you for freeing me, thank you for killing the shell of a person I was. Thank you for loving me when you believed you could not love at all. Thank you for your heart that I know you only ever gave to me. Thank you for the darkness that completes you so perfectly and for letting me love even that part of you.
Rowan, I loved you, I still love you and I will love you from where ever I am now. I love the naughty smile that tugs on the corner of your mouth. I love that your eyes speak to me when your voice cannot. I love that you made me feel. I love the way your hands could ignite a flame under my skin with a single touch. I love the whisper in your voice when you talk to me in my sleep. I love that you loved me even though I was broken beyond repair. I love that you loved my monster too. I love you Rowan.
Thank you most of all for our beautiful daughter. Nothing in this life could have made me happier than meeting her. She is the best gift I ever got, and now I am giving all of her to you. Love her Rowan. Love her with all you have. Teach her who she is; make her fierce and strong and beautiful. Please don’t let her ever think I didn’t love her. Talk about me, I want her to know who I was. All of me Rowan not just the pretty pieces. Most of all show her who you are, because Rowan you are someone so strong and so amazing, you will be her hero always. Every daddy is his little girl’s king.
Don’t forget me Rowan because I am not gone I live in your heart and you can talk to me any time you need to. Please don’t stop being you, don’t let this define you, don’t ever let him win. He took everything from me don’t let him take a single moment from you. He is gone now I know he will leave you and Avery alone. I am asking you to ignore the need for revenge tugging at your soul and let this be. Leave him; he will pay for his sins in time. Not by your hand Rowan.
I will love you always, you coloured my ugly and made me whole. Don’t stop living Rowan.
Goodbye My Monster
I will never stop loving you
Lauri
Xxxx
I am too broken to cry, or fight or feel anything I fucking hate feelings so much and now I have none left at all. I am just empty. I cannot even go into the room where Avery is right now. Robin has made all the arrangements for me, we know some people who will do things quietly without letting the authorities know what really happened. I should never have gone to work if I was here I could have saved her.
She asked me once when she first came here “who will pay for your sins Rowan?” I am paying; I am fucking paying for every single number that I wear with her soul I am fucking paying and its killing me. I need to get out of here. I need to breath or run or something. I leave and walk. I walk out into the vineyards and I stop walking when I get to the old farm graveyard. I sit under tree and cry again. I have paid the worst price for my sins. I paid with the love of my life.
ROWAN
“There are worse things than being alone. But it often takes decades to realize this. And most often when you do, it’s too late. And there is nothing worse than too late”.
~ Charles Bukowski
Avery is one month old today; she is sleeping in my arms as we lay her mommy to rest here in the small graveyard on the estate. This was always home to Lauri, it’s only right that she rest here forever. I still feel her in my sleep and everywhere I go. I don’t think I will ever be ready to let her go completely. There is only our little family here, and the Catholic priest who owed Robin a favour, I didn’t ask details but I wanted a priest to give her the last rights and bury her the right way.
I cannot say how I feel yet, I am numb and the only time I am not numb completely is when I have Avery in my arms. I couldn’t hold her for the first few days after I came home to find Lauri dead. I just couldn’t do anything in those days. Her letter cut my cold heart right out of me. She knew, she knew and didn’t tell me. That hurt me so deeply that the wound will never heal. The pain I used to have seek out lives in me now, it lives where Lauri used to in my heart.
When Robin gave me stack of letters addressed to Avery a few days later the hurt became unbearable and I snapped. I wanted to kill him for keeping her secret, I hated and loved him for what he had done and more than anything I needed him to keep me from falling apart completely.
Amya has cared for my little girl non-stop since that night and I realized that I had my chance to come unglued but now, now I needed to be her dad. I needed to step up and do what Lauri had asked me to do. I needed to love my daughter.
And by God do I love this tiny little girl. Today is bitter sweet as we stand here and say good bye to Lauri, I cannot imagine a life without her in it yet I know she wants me to go on living. I am afraid that it may be too much to ask of me.
I want to go after Renzo with every fibre of my being but I cannot bring myself to betray her wishes. She understood the why of him, I never did all I saw was the devil that stole her from me. Twice. I cannot wait for the day when he meets his punishment for what he did to her. I only hope I get to know when it comes.
I have asked Rob and Amya to move out here and stay with us for a while. I am afraid to be all alone with Avery and I know I will have to work. There is no way I can live without her and not do it. If I couldn’t let it go for her I will never be able too. I also don’t trust a nanny; I just don’t trust anyone right now. I shut the café down almost right away I don’t want anyone on the estate that isn’t family or staff. I just don’t trust that we will ever be truly safe.
The sun is shining hot on us as we walk out of the small stone walled cemetery and back up to the house. My little girl starts to stir and opens her sweet little eyes at me. I see so much in those two tiny eyes, but mostly I see Lauri. I see the love she taught me to feel.
I am going to do my best to be the dad she deserves. But I promised her mother she would know who we are and that she would be fierce.
Robin puts his arm around my shoulder. It’s the most physical affection I have ever seen this giant of man show to anyone. It comforts me to know that they are here now, they loved her too.
Amya has been very quiet and I think she is hurting as much as me right now. She has lost so much in her life; she understands what it’s like to be born into this darkness and have to look for little rays of light when you can. She is missing Callum as much as me too; we have tried everything to contact him but all our efforts have failed. Amya even tried to get Neil to tell her where he is and he simply said that Callum was gone and that if she knew where he was she better tell him. Our little family may be broken and ugly right now but we have each other to hold onto for a little while. Nothing lasts forever.
LAURI
“My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and ghastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.”
~ Unknown
I haven’t found a way to leave yet. I watch him walk with her every Sunday afternoon her little hand in his as they walk. Her dark pigtails bounce as she takes three steps for each one of his. The thought of him combing her hair into pigtails makes me smile. I am sure he cannot believe it himself. They come here to talk to me every week they never miss one, I think it’s the only way he knows h
ow to get through the weeks now. I sit on the wall and swing my legs while I listen to him tell her about me; about how much I loved her. When she gets bored and runs off to play in the dirt or on the swing he had put in the tree he talks to me.
“I miss you; she is so much like you it hurts me sometimes just to look at her. Lauri how can I keep going? How can I live like this there is such a hole in my life? I am so scared that I mess this up. That I mess her up. I need help, I need you.” I stand behind him as he holds onto my headstone with both hands and lets the tears fall on the grass. He never cries unless it’s here. Some weeks he is stronger and he doesn’t cry but sometimes he can’t hold on any longer.
I stand close behind him and put my hand on his shoulder. I know he can’t feel me, but just for that second I get to feel him again, I only get these few stolen moments now. As Avery gets older I know that I will have to go soon. I need them more than they need me now. I look up to the tree where she plays and behind her I see a sight I have surely missed and I am not sure what to think, if he sees me then he is dead too but if he goes to Rowan then he is still with them.
Callum walks slowly over the gravel towards the gate, just behind him is a petite woman with fire red hair and freckles across her nose. She is holding his hand but walks a bit behind as if she may be afraid of what they will find here. I leave Rowan and get closer to Callum. Tears stain his cheeks and he has cut his hair but sports a beard, he looks good, sad, but happy. He doesn’t see me so I take it he is alive, I wonder where the hell he has been, Rowan needed him so. He has a parcel in his other hand. I walk next to them until they stop at the gates; I go in and sit with Avery under the tree. She is turning four this year, she looks up at me, I wonder some days if she sees me. She has special eyes my little girl, one is storming blue like Rowan’s and the other is the same hazel as mine. Rowan calls her his precious monster. I love it when he says that. She is just that, our precious monster. I see so much of him in her, them some days she will say something and it’s like I opened my mouth and spoke with hers.
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