Family of Convenience

by Victoria W. Austin

  Caty looked at Millie and Millie looked right back. She hoped that whatever the girl saw, that it would reassure her that Millie meant every word. Millie knew the heartache that came with worrying about things you couldn’t control. She didn’t want that for her sweet girl.

  “I love you, Mama.” Caty leaned forward for one last, fierce hug.

  “I love you, too, baby. Why don’t you go wake up your brother. It’s late, and we all need to eat breakfast. Do eggs sound good?”

  “And pie?” Caty almost sounded like Genie.

  Millie wasn’t sure she ever wanted to eat pie again, but there was no way she was denying Caty anything today. “Yes, and pie.”

  Caty went inside, and Millie let out a long shaky breath. Adam reached over and held her hand, melting back into his own chair. They sat there for a while, rocking and holding hands. Millie tried not to notice how warm his hand was. How the callouses made it feel strong. How sturdy it was.

  This was just because of their rough morning. That was all. A child they both loved had been upset. They were both worried about the crops. Things had been emotional and draining and they were just two adults who were seeking a bit of comfort. It didn’t mean anything.

  “I really, really, really wish I didn’t need to head out to the fields today.”

  Millie groaned, feeling like she had been awake for twenty hours instead of two. “Do you have to go right now? I mean, does it have to be today?”

  Adam was quiet, and Millie found herself almost wanting to cry again at the thought of him leaving. What in the world was wrong with her today? She needed to stop all of this emotional mess.

  “I don’t have to go out right away, and I won’t be gone all day. I mean, there’s not a whole lot for me to do. Most of it is up to the water and crops now.”

  Millie nodded. That was something, at least. The door flew open, and Millie and Adam dropped hands like they were about to be caught doing something wrong. Genie came running out on the porch, still in his nightclothes.

  As always, he had a huge smile on his face. Millie held out her arms and he came and sat in her lap. Caty was behind him, and Millie was glad the distressed look was gone from her eyes. Adam reached out, and the girl curled up in his lap.

  They were hours behind schedule. There were things that needed to be done. And the four of them just sat in those chairs and rocked. Not talking, just being. Together.

  * * *

  The omelets were delicious, as always. The kids chattered and rambled and laughed. He ate pie, and enjoyed its sweetness—though the laughter and chatter of his children was even sweeter. All in all, the day had recovered in a spectacular fashion.

  And all Adam could think about was leaving. He needed to get out of this room, out of this house. As soon as he felt he could do so without alarming Millie and the kids, Adam said goodbye, grabbed his hat and walked out the front door.

  He saddled his horse and gathered his tools without even realizing he was doing it. The next thing Adam knew, he was riding out across his land, surrounded only by the blue sky and silence.

  He still felt trapped. Felt like he needed to urge the horse into a gallop and keep going until they both collapsed from exhaustion. Adam got off the horse and walked through the fields, noticing how much better the plants already looked. He pulled any weeds he saw, trying to make sure the water and nutrients went to the crops and not the nuisance plants.

  That done, Adam could have gone home. Gone back to Millie and the kids like he’d said he would.

  He didn’t.

  Adam rode out to the small cemetery where his first wife was buried. It was a surprisingly peaceful spot, shaded with several large trees. Adam sat down underneath one of those trees, leaning back against its trunk. Birds were singing, filling the air with announcements that life did, indeed, go on.

  But to what end?

  Adam bent his knees and rested his forearms on them, just staring at the place where Sarah had been put into the ground. He’d been furious with her. Almost relieved she had died.

  Adam had actually thought that her dying solved a lot of problems. No one would ever have to know she had been determined to leave him. No one would ever have to know that she had actually done it. He would not have to spend the rest of his life legally tied to a woman who had fled. He would not have to spend the rest of his life being whispered about. Pitied.

  Adam had been happy that a woman died. Not just a woman, but the mother of his children.

  What kind of man was he? Adam wasn’t sure he knew.

  It had taken a long time for Adam to understand that Sarah was just human. Someone who was probably doing her best. Someone who had tried to tell him how unhappy she was.

  It had taken a really long time for Adam to think of his first wife and remember the good times. The children they had made. It had taken...Millie.

  Adam had been so clear on what he wanted when he’d begun the search for a mail-order bride. So very clear in his mind and in his communication with Millie. He did not want love. He did not want that kind of relationship. He was looking for a mother for the children, not a wife for the man.

  Adam was all kinds of a fool. Every kind.

  When Millie had been distraught this morning, Adam had not been thinking that he needed to comfort her because she was the mother of his children. He had not been thinking at all. None of it was deliberate. His Millie was upset, and he needed to help her. It had been as simple and as mixed-up as that.

  When had she become his Millie? And what was he going to do about it? Adam had held her this morning, had called her honey. When she had fallen apart in his arms, all Adam wanted to do was tell her how much she meant to him. How much he liked her. Loved her.

  Did he love Millie? Adam didn’t want to. Romantic emotions were messy. They didn’t make sense. Didn’t last. He wanted to build a life for his children with a firm foundation, and love felt squishy, unstable. Love ended. It turned to hate.

  Friendship was better. Safer.

  Safer.

  Adam was a hypocrite. All his lecturing Millie on being brave and taking chances and going after happiness, and here he was hiding under a tree ready to run away because he might love his wife.

  He did not need to figure this out today. There was nothing to be afraid of. For all Adam knew, Millie wanted nothing to do with love either. She hadn’t exactly had an ideal first marriage herself. Sure, she had not objected to his comforting or his terms of endearment this morning, but she had also been very, very upset.

  Adam sat there under the tree for over an hour. When he finally stood up, his muscles were stiff and he was no closer to a solution. But he kind of thought he maybe wanted to try for a romantic relationship with Millie and maybe see where it went. He also kind of thought he was making a huge mistake.

  Adam found Millie hanging laundry in the yard. The kids were playing, the air filled as ever with squeals and giggles. Adam wondered, not for the first time, how Genie could spend all day making noise and never lose his voice. That child was something else.

  Caty was right there with him, smiling and running. But she still had that air of seriousness about her. Always had it. Adam had just thought her personality was just naturally more serious, but now he wondered.

  She wanted safety, too. Like he did. Like Millie did. But the thought of his daughter living in constant fear and worry that her safety would be taken away made him want to cry. He didn’t want mere safety for his little girl. He wanted her to have a full, joyous life. Not a cautious, safe life.

  And, Adam was quickly finding that he wanted the same for himself.

  He walked up to Millie, reaching down to grab the next piece of clothing out of her basket. He draped it over the line, smiling as Millie handed him a couple of clothespins. They worked together in silence for several long minutes.<
br />
  When the basket was empty, he turned to Millie. “How are you doing?”

  She looked at the barn, red covering her cheeks again. “I don’t know. I mean, I’m definitely mortified. And tired. But the rest is just... I don’t know.” She breathed out a small huff. “How are the crops looking?”

  “I can already tell a difference. That rain wasn’t much, but it was enough for today.”

  “Enough for today.” Millie repeated his words softly. Her eyes found his. “I’m sorry, again, for this morning.”

  “I’m not.”

  “I...what?”

  “I’m not sorry at all. I think you had all those emotions and thoughts inside of you and they were almost like a poison. I’m glad you got them out, and I’m really thankful that I got to be there for it.”

  “You’re thankful that I threw a giant fit and then cried all over you?”

  “Yes, the same way I’m thankful that Caty told us her fears. I’m thankful she said it aloud and it wasn’t some kind of secret for her to keep inside anymore. I’m thankful that I was able to comfort her after.”

  Millie watched Caty, now sitting in the yard braiding long grass. Adam decided to listen to his own advice and get his feelings out in the open.

  “Millie, I’m also glad I was able to comfort you.”

  Her eyes were wide when she turned back to him.

  “I know what I said about us being just partners and friends. But I’m finding that I maybe want more.”

  Her eyes widened even further. They looked almost too exaggerated in her face.

  “I don’t know where it would go. And I want to be careful because I don’t want to destroy our friendship, destroy what we’ve created for the kids. But I keep thinking that we can have more. And I want to follow my own advice and try to not let worry about tomorrow ruin my today.”

  Millie wasn’t blinking and she was standing entirely too still. Adam felt his heart start to pound, but he made himself go on.

  “If you say no, you’re not interested, I will completely respect that. But I think you are interested, even though you’re scared like I am. But, I’m asking it anyway. Millie Beale, may I please court you?”

  Millie blinked, and Adam saw her throat move as she swallowed. She licked her lips and cleared her throat. Adam braced himself.

  “Yes.”

  What? “Yes?”

  She took in another long, deep breath. “Yes. I’m terrified beyond belief. But I don’t want to be seventy years old, looking at the good life I’m sure we will have had, and regret never trying to make it a wonderful life. I want Caty to have more than two adults who like each other as her parents. I want her to see two people who love each other. I want to try, Adam.” She looked at the barn again, an incomprehensible look crossing her face. “You are a safe place, Adam. If I’m going to fail at this, I trust you to catch me. I don’t know where this will go, and you know that scares me spitless. But, yes.”

  Adam had spent hours tormenting himself with this idea, and she said yes in five minutes. Okay then.

  He nodded. “Then, Mrs. Beale, will you go for a walk with me later today? Enjoy the countryside?”

  Millie’s grin was huge. “What about our children?”

  “We’ll sneak out during their nap time. We won’t go far, I promise.”

  “Then, yes. Again. I would love to go for a walk with you.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  To Do:

  Finish knitting Adam’s socks

  Put up the rest of the vegetables from the garden

  Millie stared at her list, unable to think of anything else to write down. She was having a hard time focusing, and it was all that man’s fault. She remembered seeing other women go all daft whenever a man showed them attention. She remembered thinking those women were foolish. Silly. And now, here she was. A grown woman, married with children, and she just wanted to sit and stare at space because Adam had taken her for a walk yesterday. Had asked to do the same today.

  Yes, Millie had turned into one of those witless women. And it was most certainly all that man’s fault.

  Things had seemed to change so fast, and yet nothing had really changed at all. True, they said they were courting. But their conversations were the same as they’d been before. Their physical interaction was unchanged. The only difference was that the air was filled with the possibility and promise of more. It did not sound like much of a difference at all, but everything felt radically new.

  Exciting. Terrifying.

  Millie went from being eager and giddy to being absolutely panicked. This was the biggest risk she had ever taken. They were both committed to remaining friends and good parents for their children even if they decided they were not suited romantically. But Millie knew from a lifetime of experience that being committed to something and having it work out were two very different things. After all, they had been committed to keeping their relationship not romantic at all and look at how that had worked out.

  Millie’s brain knew that a life spent avoiding risks was a life wasted. Millie’s heart knew that Adam was a good man. Millie’s wary instincts, though, knew this could go wrong. Given the history of her life, it probably would go wrong. She was going to mess this up and he was going to make her leave. Millie’s instincts were screaming at her to run before that could happen.

  She turned the page, feeling like if she could just get the worst possible scenario down on the page and out of her body then the fear would go away. Her writing was harsh, the lead dark and ragged on the clean white.

  Leaving Adam

  I have savings from my knitting

  I can get a job

  I could take the children with me?

  Millie dropped the pencil in horror. What was she doing? This was what her instincts said to do? It was unfathomable.

  Millie pushed away from the table, almost running to her room. She made it to where her Bible was on her bedside table and dropped to her knees, ignoring the pain in her joints and the protest from the baby inside. Those words that had come out on paper? Those words were not from God. They were not truth.

  Tears bled down her face as she clutched the Bible and begged God for forgiveness. She had cried more in the last weeks than she ever had in her life. It hurt. It cleansed. Millie was helpless to stop it.

  She stayed there, asking God to fill her heart. To come in and push out the evil that threatened to destroy her. To cut out the despair and let the wound of her insecurities finally begin to heal.

  Millie was still there thirty minutes later, forehead on the quilt that Adam had given her when she was nothing more than a stranger to him. She felt drained, not a foreign feeling after the last weeks. But this draining was almost welcome. Like maybe the crazy thoughts that tormented her were gone.

  It wasn’t going to be that simple. Millie knew that. But she also knew that she was done thinking about them. Feeding them. Millie struggled to her feet, and walked back into the family room.

  She closed her notebook, put it off to the side. She didn’t want to spend any more time in those pages. Not right now.

  The morning passed quickly with the routine that was quickly becoming Millie’s bedrock. She cared for her family. Played with her children. Enjoyed every second, even when the work was hard. It felt good to live purposefully. Instead of making plans, Millie was living them.

  Millie watched the clock and put the children down for their nap just as soon as possible. Genie, as always, didn’t want to take a nap.

  “Not tired, Mama. Play.” He made the same argument every single day. Millie leaned over from where she was sitting on the side of the bed and stroked her palm down his cheek.

  “I know, baby. But I’m sure if you close your eyes, you’ll fall right asleep anyway.” He would. He always did. Once
his body realized it was actually going to be allowed to rest, it had no problems falling asleep.

  Caty usually curled up, hands under her cheek, and closed her eyes without complaint. She wasn’t fond of naps, but she never argued. Until today. She was still sitting up, looking at Millie suspiciously.

  “Are you going somewhere, Mama?”

  Millie sat up a little straighter. Leave it to her smart girl to figure out something different was going on. “Why do you ask, Caty-girl?”

  “Yesterday you were cleaner after we woke up. You had on a nicer apron. And your hair was different.”

  Yes. It had been. Millie had run out of time before she could fully dress for her walk with Adam, but she’d managed to clean up some.

  “I went for a walk with Daddy yesterday.”

  Caty’s eyes narrowed. “Are you walking again today?”

  Millie nodded.

  “I come!” Genie sounded outraged that Millie would go on a walk without him, and Millie grinned.

  “No, Genie. This is adult time. For adults to talk.”

  He looked dubious.

  “Are you going to put on nice clothes again for Daddy?” Caty didn’t sound upset. She sounded like she was plotting something.

  “If I have time, baby. Is that okay?”

  Caty nodded and abruptly laid down in the bed. She rolled toward Genie and spoke in a furious whisper. “Shh. Be quiet, Genie. We have to sleep so Mama can walk with Daddy.” Caty then closed her eyes and did the best impression of a sleeping child that Millie had ever seen.

  Millie’s heart felt like a bucket overflowing. She managed to stay there, thinking about how much she loved these children, until both of them were truly asleep. Then she rushed to change. Millie almost always wore an apron over her clothes, but she didn’t want to for her walk. She pulled out the dress she normally saved for Sunday, feeling the need to go beyond a serviceable skirt and blouse. She was just repinning her hair when Millie heard Adam come home.