Family of Convenience

by Victoria W. Austin

  Millie closed her eyes in frustration. Why had she said that? Implied that she might leave, just without the kids? She wasn’t leaving, period—even if he was an angry fool.

  Adam crossed his arms, somehow lowering his voice to an even deeper tone.

  “You are not leaving me. You are not leaving my children. And, I swear, if you try to take my children from me, I will hunt you down. I will spend the rest of my life making you sorry.”

  Millie took another step back. She didn’t know this man. Didn’t know how to talk to him.

  “It’s not what you think. You’re overreacting, ruining things for no reason.”

  “Then explain it to me. I can’t wait.”

  “I wasn’t ever going to do it. Never.”

  “And this, this was just...what? Why did you write those words down on paper, in your beloved notebook, the one full of ideas you intend to see through?” His voice was the sharp edge of a knife, cutting her.

  “I just wanted to write those thoughts down. Get them out of my head so I could stop obsessing on them.”

  “You were obsessing about leaving me and taking my children?” The last was a roar. Adam’s voice was a wounded animal, a hurt so primal it made Millie’s eyes water. He wasn’t listening. He wasn’t understanding.

  “No! They were just horrible thoughts. I knew they were horrible. Wrong. But Adam, I swear to you, I was just writing down words. I never, ever intended to do it. Never. I swear it. I’ve never lied to you—you have to believe me now. I was just writing down the thoughts to get them out of my head.”

  He was breathing heavy, still in a fighting stance. Millie didn’t dare try to touch him. Not like this.

  “If you didn’t mean it, why did you keep it? I’ve seen you rip out pages before when you changed your mind about whatever you had written down.”

  He wasn’t wrong. “I don’t know. I wrote that list. Then I cried and prayed. Asked God for forgiveness. Then I guess I forgot.”

  “This list upset you so much that you broke down over it, but then you forgot all about its existence?”

  “I guess.” It sounded like a lie, but it was the truth. “I just don’t know, Adam.”

  “There seem to be a lot of things you don’t know. But that’s okay, because there are things I don’t know either, so I guess we’re even.”

  “Adam.” Tears were rolling down her face, and Millie angrily wiped them away. Adam looked at her and snorted.

  “Save the tears, Millie. They’re not going to work.”

  The hysteria Millie felt rolling in her body made its way to her voice. “They’re not supposed to work! Why are you making this such a big deal? Why can’t you understand that I didn’t mean it? I was never going to leave.”

  “You wrote it down. I’m not making this up—it’s right here.” He picked up her notebook and shook it, then threw it back on the table like he was too disgusted to even touch the bound paper.

  “Yes. It’s right there. In my private notebook. You had no business reading through it. Opening it at all. I was just scared, Adam! I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t.”

  He stilled and that was the scariest thing Millie had seen yet. “You’re telling me that you never thought about leaving me. About leaving us?” His voice had a desperate hopeful undertone that made Millie feel sick to her stomach.

  * * *

  Millie looked at the ground, but Adam saw the shame in her eyes before she lowered them. Not just shame. A confession. She looked as though she had been caught in the actual act.

  She was going to leave him. How had he been this wrong? Had she been faking about everything? Adam remembered all the times he thought she was falling in love with him. Like he already was with her. He was going to be sick.

  “How far did you get?” His voice sounded dead, but that was better than letting her see him cry.

  “Wh-What?” Oh, she was good.

  “How. Far. Did. You. Get? When you were going to leave me.”

  “I wasn’t going to leave you.”

  “No. Your face gave you away. How far did you get?”

  “Adam, I—”

  “Did you pack a bag?”

  She averted her eyes. Another look of shame. She had. She had actually packed a bag to leave him. The thought was so horrifying that Adam knew he couldn’t be here anymore. He didn’t know if he wanted to punch a wall or sob like a baby. Or both. Right now he just wanted to get away from her.

  This wasn’t like when Sarah left. Wasn’t like when she died. This was so much worse. Millie had contemplated leaving him and taking his children with her.

  His children.

  Even if he believed her about not meaning that part, she had packed a bag to leave. To leave them all.

  His children were too young to remember their mother. Caty had a few vague impressions, but overall Sarah was nonexistent in their world. That was a sad fact, but in a way, it was also a blessing. They would never know that their mother had been willing to leave them, had put her own happiness above theirs. Had abandoned them completely.

  But his children knew Millie. They loved her.

  They called her Mama.

  Caty and Genie would absolutely remember Millie. Would know that she was supposed to be their mother until she died. When she walked out that door, there would be no way Adam could protect them from the knowledge that Millie left them right along with him.

  What had he done?

  Adam took a step toward the door. He needed to find his children.

  “Adam, wait.” Millie moved quickly, reached out and held on to his arm as though she could physically make him stay. Adam felt a bit like a wild animal. A beast caught in a trap that could not see anything beyond getting free. But, he didn’t yank his arm away from Millie. He didn’t allow his anger to take physical form. Perhaps he was still human after all.

  “Please take your hand off me.” He was afraid to move for fear he would lose all control.

  She did, finger sliding down until he could not feel her touch anymore. “I’m begging you to listen to me. If you care about our family at all, even a little bit, please listen to me.” She had a hand over the stomach where his child rested.

  Except it wasn’t his child. That was a fairy tale he’d told himself when he had thought they could all pretend to be one big happy family.

  Except, it was his child. That was the reality he had created when he had married this woman.

  He did not try to walk away. After a second, Millie began to speak. She had been furious earlier. Upset with him as though he had done something wrong. She’d even tried to chastise him.

  She wasn’t angry now. Her voice was full of despair. Regret.

  Another act?

  He simply did not know. He didn’t know if he even cared. But he stood still.

  “Adam, do you remember what our marriage was like months ago? I’m talking about the day you came home early to get your tools to help the family that was moving. The day I realized all the crops could die because of the drought. Do you remember that?”

  He didn’t look at her. Didn’t respond. Adam just focused on standing still and trying to listen to her words beyond the thundering of blood in his ears.

  “That was when I packed a suitcase. I did not even realize I was doing it, to be honest. I was thinking about the crops dying and being homeless again. I completely panicked. I looked up and I had my suitcase out and clothes in it. I swear I stopped the second I realized what I was doing.”

  He just stared at the door.

  “I couldn’t do it. Even then, I realized there was no way I could leave you all. Leave the children. I thought about what it meant to leave Caty and Genie, and I absolutely could not do it. So, I unpacked. I never made a move to leave again. Never, Adam. Not when you told
me the crops were going to die. Not when you had to sell off half the herd. Even now, if you ask me to leave, I’m going to refuse. I am Caty and Genie’s mama, and I will be here for them for the rest of my life.”

  That last sentence was true. She was their mother. Adam had no intention of watching his children lose another mother. That meant that he would never tell her to leave. Millie was going to be here. As his wife. But it didn’t mean anything beyond that.

  “Please.” Her voice broke. He ignored it.

  “When did you make the last list? The one about taking my children? The one that was just thoughts in your head that you were obsessing on so you had to get them out?”

  Millie’s words were a sob. “The morning of the day we went for a walk and you told me about delivering Caty.”

  Adam swayed on his feet. He pulled out a chair and sank into it. That had been a wonderful day. The day that Adam associated with their courtship being real. Their marriage being real.

  That was the day she wrote down a plan to take his children?

  Millie sank to her knees in front of him. Begging. On her knees. He could feel the swell of her stomach against his shins. She reached for his hands, but he pulled them away. Up high where she could not touch them. She lowered her arms.

  “I am sorry. It doesn’t matter I guess whether I meant it or not because it hurt you no matter what. But I didn’t mean it. I was torturing myself by trying to figure out just how bad things could get—so I could figure out what to do in the absolute worst case. But as soon as I wrote it down, I knew how wrong it was. You were never supposed to see that list, because it was not a real list. I just use my notebook to ramble sometimes. To write down the worst thing so I can see them in black and white. How can you understand my breaking down in the barn but not understand this?”

  Because the barn was about God. This is about me.

  He didn’t say that, though. He didn’t say anything. Adam pushed the chair back so he could stand up without touching Millie. Then he walked out. He made sure to close the door behind him.

  Adam found Caty and Genie on the other side of the barn. Genie was using a stick to draw in the dirt. Caty was on her back, staring at the sky. Adam saw tracks where tears had dried on her cheeks. He laid down next to her, pulling her into his arms. She curled into him, using him as a cushion, her cheek flat against his chest. “I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” Adam rubbed her back, making firm circles and hoping the repetitive pressure would comfort her.

  “Where’s Mama?”

  Adam was glad she couldn’t see his face. He kept his voice gentle. For his daughter. “She’s inside the house.”

  “Is she okay?”

  Adam increased the pressure of his hands, though he didn’t know whether that was for Caty or for himself.

  “Yes, honey.” He wasn’t about to say anything else. Besides, he was the one who had been hurt here. Not Millie. His words were the truth.

  “You yelled at her.” Caty didn’t sound angry. Just sad. And confused.

  Adam sighed, continued to rub her back. He saw Genie watching them, stiller than he had been in months. Adam reached out his free arm. “Come here, Genie.”

  Both children settled against him, Adam chose his words carefully. “Mama and Daddy had a fight. I’m sorry you all saw that. I’m sure it was scary.” Adam felt Genie nod his head against his chest. Caty was just motionless. “Sometimes mamas and daddies have fights. It just happens. Like how sometimes you two fight with each other. It’s okay, though. I promise you, everything is okay.”

  Caty raised her head and looked at Adam. “Did you two say sorry and make up?”

  “Yes, Caty-girl.” This time Adam did lie to his daughter.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Millie’s notebook was still on the table. She hadn’t touched it in the last four days. Had not even acknowledged its existence. Adam had not touched it, either. The book was in the exact spot it had landed when Adam had thrown it down during the fight. The Fight.

  As far as Millie was concerned, the book could stay there until it disintegrated. Maybe Adam would get sick enough of it to throw it in the fireplace. Millie simply did not care.

  “Mama, are the biscuits done?” Caty looked up at her, excitement in her eyes. She had made this batch of biscuits all by herself and was almost hopping up and down in excitement.

  Millie relished the child’s happiness as a touch of warmth in her heart. The only things she seemed to feel anymore were emotions associated with the kids. Everything else was cold. Dead.

  “I don’t know. We’d better open the door and check.” Caty actually did hop then. Millie opened the door and they both peeked in at the balls of dough that had risen and turned a golden brown. “Well. What do you think?”

  Caty clapped her hands. “Yes.”

  Millie used a thick towel to pull the pan out of the oven. She set it on a table to cool. “Caty, these are the best looking biscuits I have ever seen. Do you think we should eat one just to make sure it tastes okay?”

  Genie was on his feet, blocks forgotten as soon as Millie mentioned eating biscuits. “Yes!”

  Millie took a biscuit and split it in half, using a knife to spread butter on each piece. She gave Caty one half. “It’s hot, honey.”

  Millie blew on Genie’s. No matter how much she warned him, he would just shove the whole piece in his mouth, no matter how hot. When it was cool enough to not hurt him, she gave Genie his half of biscuit.

  “Fank you, Mama.” His words were muffled by the biscuit. As expected, he shoved the entire piece in his mouth, cheeks bulging with dough and butter. There was no way to be sad around this little boy.

  “Well, what do you think, Caty-girl? Are you our new official biscuit maker?”

  Caty nodded and offered Millie a piece of her half. Millie took it and popped it in her mouth. Millie felt pride bloom in her chest at how good it tasted. Her daughter had done an excellent job. “Yep. You’re the biscuit maker now, Caty. These are great.”

  Caty ate another bite. “I think Daddy will like them, too.”

  Millie forced herself to smile. “Yes. I know he will. In fact, he will probably try to eat them all if we don’t watch him.”

  Caty smiled and finished eating her biscuit.

  “Okay, you both need to clean up your toys and wash up for supper. Then you can help me set the table. Daddy should be home soon.”

  Millie was proud of how calm she sounded. Caty was too smart of a girl to not notice the tension between Millie and Adam. They had both gone out of their way to act normal in front of the children. As normal as possible anyway. Caty still gave them both looks in the evening, like she was trying to see beyond their words and read their true feelings. But otherwise both kids seemed oblivious to the change in Millie and Adam’s relationship. Their days continued as they had since Millie arrived.

  Millie wished for some of that innocence. No matter how much she pretended things were okay, she knew, felt in her bones, that they were very much not okay. Not at all.

  And Adam was the same—visibly disappointed not just with their relationship, but with the weather, too. He hadn’t told her, but Millie wasn’t stupid. It had not rained again. The crops that had perked up with that small bit of moisture were back to dying. Adam was gone all day, but he was not working in the fields. There was nothing to do. The fields were about as vibrant as her marriage.

  He was avoiding the house. Avoiding her. Millie would have been angered, but she was too busy being thankful that she did not have to deal with him.

  The door opened and Adam walked in. He was filthy and soaked with sweat. Whatever he was doing, it was physical work. Millie wondered if wearing out his muscles helped wear out his mind. Maybe she should try it.

  “Daddy, I made biscuits! All by myself! Mam
a said I am the official biscuit maker now.”

  Adam picked Caty up, ignoring her squeals as she felt how dirty he was. “She did, did she? Well then, I guess you’re the official biscuit maker. It’s a good thing I like biscuits.”

  Still trying to push away from his chest, Caty giggled. “And you like Mama’s biscuits the best of all, and I make them like she does, so you’ll like my biscuits best of all.”

  Adam never even looked in her direction. “Yes, I believe I will. Hey, why do you keep pushing away, Caty-girl? Don’t you want to hug your daddy who loves you so much?”

  Another giggle. “You always get me dirty, Daddy. And wet. Yucky!” Caty looked at Millie. “Mama! Help me!”

  Millie froze, remembering how this would have played out before it all went wrong. Adam put Caty down, smacking a kiss on her forehead. “Okay, okay. You win. I better go get cleaned up so I can eat some of those delicious biscuits.”

  He still never looked in Millie’s direction. She ordered herself not to notice. Or to care.

  Adam held his hand out toward Genie. “Will you come with your poor daddy? Keep me company while I clean up?”

  Genie took his hand and they went inside his room. Millie heard Genie chattering through the closed door.

  “Caty? Will you please go make sure Daddy closed the barn door? Make sure the chickens are put up, too?” Millie knew both of those things were done, but she desperately needed some time alone. Just a couple minutes. Just to pull herself together enough to make it through supper without breaking down.

  Caty ran out the front door and Millie sat down, resting her forehead on her folded arms on the table. Things were so bad. Four days had done nothing to fix anything between Millie and Adam. How long could they go on like this?

  Millie had known better than to dream of more. She should have stayed with the essentials. Shelter. Food. A safe future. Instead, she had tried for more. Had begun to hope that she and her husband could build a real love together. And that dream had failed.