by Xavier Neal
“Any time I hear Proud Mary by Tina Turner, I'll sing a little louder for you.”
That's fucking weird. Jovi's right. They had a really fucking weird friendship.
Shelby holds the can and looks down at it with a soft smile. “I'll miss your name on the board.”
She gives her double tap, leans her head on Vinnie's arm, and hands it to him. “Ride hard. Ride fast. In everything.”
He repeats the action and passes it to Krissy. With a scolding expression, she looks at the can in her hands. “Your eyes were always wandering. Maybe you'll find them a home now.”
Ben didn't want one of anything. He's was always after anything he could have. That was a curse much more than a blessing if you ask me.
Krissy kisses the top of the can, double taps it and hands it Aunt Kelli who's wearing the same dress she did when Uncle D and Dad died.
I hate that dress. You're right. I probably don't hate it as much as she does. Or us. I imagine she hates us for letting this happen to him. I don't blame my brothers though. I blame myself. I should've protected him more. Been a better wing man. Went out with him that night and made sure his ass came home instead of...wherever it was he wandered to.
“Kiss your father for me,” she states softly and taps the can.
With the can now in her hands, Knox lets out a sigh at the same time a tear drops onto the top. “You never failed to try to give me gray hairs. You know damn well I don't look good like that. Try not to give others the same trouble you gave me.”
She sniffles, double taps the can, and hands it to Madden.
You know, I don't remember much about when we buried dad and Uncle D, just a few things. Aunt Kelli's black dress that looks like someone had dipped a wedding gown in licorice. The leaves were crispy brown. There had been a cold front that required me to wear one of Triple D's hand me down jackets. And I remember the look on Madden's face. The same one he has now. A permanent hollowness. Except this time I won't just remember it. I'll always feel it.
Madden sniffles once and says, “I failed them. I failed you. For that...I'm sorry.”
Unconsciously my body stiffens so harshly my lungs constrict to the point of suffocation.
I should suffocate. That would be fair. That would be what I fucking deserve.
My oldest brother double taps the can, gently places it in the hole, and tosses dirt on top of it. In silence we watch as he evenly spreads it, burying what is left of my best fucking friend. My partner in crime. The reason I shouted I was a McCoy from rooftops. Steadily tears fall from my eyes as my body trembles in the stillness.
No more crazy Ben. No more wild nights and ways. No more...best friend to look over my shoulder for me. What the fuck am I supposed to do? What the fuck is left for me now?
After a few more moments of silence, Aunt Kelli announces, “There's beer in the fridge. Liquor in the cabinet. Knox ordered pizza and there are cookies on the stove. Please...help yourselves. Enjoy. Celebrate what was my son...the man he grew into and the man he wanted to become.”
She starts to head towards the house, which is when Madden makes a gesture to help her. Immediately she moves her body away from his not allowing contact to be made.
Fuck. That hurt to watch.
Knox makes a move for Madden and he brushes her off almost identically to the way Aunt Kelli did him.
What the fuck is wrong with my family? Why can't they just let each other be there when they really fucking need it? Fuck. Ben wasn't any different! He didn't let us help when he needed it most! He wasn't there to support me when I needed it! Changing my life for Jovi! Moving onto better, safer things! That would have been the time for support! Fuck! I hate this fucking family!
Jovi gives my side a gentle stroke causing my attention to drop down to her. Each rub eases some of the turmoil that's tumbling around inside.
This is the family I need. Her. That's all I really need, right?
I toss my head the direction of the house and she takes the hint to start walking. For some reason Hayli lingers behind, which is fine by me. I could use the moment alone to just breathe my girl in.
As we head back for the house she whispers, “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why'd we double tap the can?”
There's a brief tug at the corners of my lips. “It's an old McCoy tale. One of my grandfather's tapped the door of the car that he drove his son home in. One time for safe passage into this world and when he died his son tapped his casket twice for safe passage out. Tradition stuck.”
“You really are just an amazing family, you know that?”
The compliment makes me want to smile, but I can't. I don't deserve to.
They're an amazing family. Strength of the Greek Gods. Loyalty of a million warriors. Remarkable honor even among thieves....then there's me. Fucking me. I'm a piece of shit. First to betray them. First to want to escape. First one ready to cut and leave them without looking back. How the fuck can I do that to them? Stop. Okay? Just stop. I fucking hear you. I know I love Jovi. I wouldn't give her up for the fucking world, but do I have to give them up for her? Can I not live in some sort of fucking balance? I can't do this with you right now. I can't...just...fucking give me some space please.
Jovi
I don't think anyone handles death well. I'm not even sure there's a good way to handle death. I know there's the whole five stages thing, but in reality, I don't know...even that doesn't sound healthy.
Daniel grabs another beer from the fridge. “No way. That was Ben. I just took the hit for it. I knew better than to fuck with Dad's tools.”
Merrick lets out a light chuckle and pulls a pepperoni off a slice of pizza. “Remember his lucky socket wrench?”
“Oh yeah!” Daniel nudges his arm. “What the fuck ever happened to that?”
“Went to Madden,” Drew replies from the couch beside Destin.
“What'd you do with it?” Merrick tosses his question at his big brother who is leaned back, arm stretched out, with Knox's feet in his lap.
Are they a couple or just being too friendly?
He shrugs. “It's at home.”
“Why don't you ever use it?” Destin questions, having a swig of his beer. “Like I've never seen you use it. You only use the ones Knox buys you.”
“That's because those are the fucking best,” Knox points out.
“Because I don't feel right about using it.”
Merrick pushes, “Why not?”
He clears his throat, “Because I fucked up. Because I keep fucking up.” With a harsh anger in his tone he gripes, “Can we...move past this fucking topic?”
The room gets still and strained.
I swear you'd think he just bitch slapped a kitten.
My eyes glance over just as Daniel leans against the wall beside the fridge. His head falls and I notice so does Merrick's.
It's weird. When they're all lively and happy they definitely look related, but somber like this? They look fucking identical. Like one person in various stages of life. I've never felt like I was missing anything because Hayli is basically my sister, but looking at all of them like this, there's a strange tug I can't explain. A unity with them I've never seen before. One that can't be broken. Not that I want to break it, but I can see how it looks like my relationship with him might threaten it.
The silence remains as my eyes drink in the old beat up brown couches they're sitting on. The crooked paintings of classic cars intertwined with a few plaques on the wall. There are holes in various walls alongside wobbly furniture.
Our house may look pristine and neat, almost like a model home you can see yourself living in, but this house looks like a home. A place where actual memories were created. Lives actually lived.
Daniel quietly announces, “I'm gonna restore his car.”
Destin lifts his head up. “Are you sure that's a good idea?”
“It's the least I can fucking do,” Daniel replies. “Need to honor his memory
in my own way.”
Hayli questions from behind me at the table, “Can I ride in it when you're done?”
With a crooked smirk Daniel lifts his beer to his lips and has a sip. “In it or on me?”
“Oh Daniel,” she sighs standing up. Strutting over to him she taps his chest gently. “Ben couldn't handle me and neither can you.”
Everyone laughs while he shrugs. “Can a guy try?”
Knox tosses her hands in the air. “I swear you McCoys all have Nos attached to your fucking sex drives. You're the only men I know who would ask the nurse for a blow job on your death bed.”
“What the fuck else would you ask for on your death bed?” Daniel asks as if genuinely confused.
You can laugh. I know it's a sad time, but it is a little funny.
The conversation starts to become playful, which is when I turn to Merrick who's still picking pieces off his pizza.
He's only had a couple of nibbles. I want to ask him how much he's had to eat in the last couple of days, but I feel like I know the answer to that. I feel you do too.
“Hey,” I call to him as I get up to sit in his lap.
His hands wrap around my waist and I swear I feel some of the tension subside. “Hey.”
Gently I stroke the back of his neck. “How are you doing?”
He shrugs and holds me closer.
I place a kiss on his cheek and whisper in his ear, “I love you, Merrick. No matter what.”
The declaration seems to erase more anxiety. In a hushed tone he asks, “Even if I can't run away to start our lives together?”
Taken off guard I lift my eyebrows. “Do you mean...you don't wanna marry me?”
“Of course I wanna marry you. I'm gonna marry you. Two days from now,” he insists.
That was a close one.
“I meant...if it takes a little longer before I can...move away and spend every day with you. Are you cool with that?”
My fingers run through his hair as I tilt my head. “No matter whether you decide to come with me or stay with your family for a bit, that clearly needs you, I love you and support your choice.”
His eyes close. Merrick leans his head against me and whispers, “I love you so fucking much.”
Clutching him closer, I shut my eyes too.
He's going through enough right now without me acting like a brat about him not just up and moving right now. He needs time. Space even. I can give him both. After all, we're going to have a life time together.
“Merrick,” Vinnie's voice interrupts the calming moment.
Both of us shoot our eyes open.
“I uh...I know it's not the best time, but we need to talk about something.”
“So talk,” Merrick insists. When Vinnie's eyes cut to me he states, “Anything you need to say, you can say in front of her.”
Vinnie tilts his head to the side as he hesitates.
So I'm cool enough to know some of their business, but not all? Does that sound a little shady to you?
“Okay, fine.” Leaning down, so he's resting his arms on the table beside us, back to the rest of the group he says, “Your favor from yesterday came with some major heat from the red and blues.”
Merrick unexpectedly shifts underneath me. His grip loosens. His jaw seems to lock.
Is he hiding something from me? He wouldn't....He wouldn't do that. He trusts me. He does trust me, right? Wait. Why do you look like now you're hiding something?
My boyfriend clears his throat. “I know. How hot?”
“Hades.”
Merrick grumbles, “Fuck...”
Vinnie gives me a glance and then states, “The good news is the maid came.”
He lets out a long exhale. “Clean sweep? Beds made?”
“Whole house,” Vinnie replies.
Code! They're talking in code! In front of me...He doesn't trust me, does he?
“What was the favor?” I quietly pipe in. “What does clean house mean?”
Immediately Merrick brushes me off. “Not now baby. I'll explain...later.”
I nod and Vinnie adds, “But word is out McCoy. I know who that sexy lady was for....”
His body stiffens again, this time so hard I'm not sure anything short of a jack hammer could get him to move. In a quiet whisper he says, “I'm fucking sorry to put you in that.”
“Fuck that.” Vinnie shakes his head. “If you need another favor, do not hesitate to ask.”
“Appreciate it.”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “I know.”
Curious about the favor, but unsure if I should push again, I try another approach. “Is a sexy lady a car?”
Playfully Vinnie asks, “Are you a car?”
“Were you talking about an actual woman?” I squeak.
“Yes it's a car,” Merrick quickly corrects. “But today's not a good day to explain that and today's not a good day to fuck with Jovi either Vinnie.”
“Sorry,” he sheepishly apologizes. “Thought you could use a small laugh.”
“Well I can't,” Merrick snaps.
He nods and pulls out a tiny Zip-loc bag from his pocket. Using two fingers he slides it across the table. Inside there are two small, circular blue pills, both stamped with the letter R.
Merrick said he didn't use drugs other than CL. You don't think he'll start now, do you? I mean I know grieving does shit to people but...
“A little R&R in case you need it.”
Vinnie doesn't say another word before he walks away from us to grab his girlfriends. While I try to let my eyes follow him as he preps them for an exit, I can't help but notice how Merrick takes the packet and slips it away.
Did he think I wouldn't notice? Does he really think I'm that dumb? First he doesn't trust me about the favor. Now drugs? What's next?
To no surprise Vinnie's exit acts as a good time for Hayli's too. She swiftly says, “I think I'm gonna go too. Jo' you need a ride?”
“Um...” I prepare to deny her when I look down at Merrick who I feel I can't even read any more.
Should I stay? Should I go? I don't even know if he needs me like I thought he did.
“Yeah.”
Merrick questions flatly, “You're leaving?”
Okay, so no clues there. His change of emotions is giving me a headache. I know it's to be expected, but geez.
Quickly, I stand up and declare, “Yeah. You need some time with your family. Definitely some space.”
At the word his face drops to one I'm at least a little more familiar with. With remorse in his voice he says, “I'm sorry I'm shutting you out, baby. I don't mean to.”
I touch the side of his face and whisper back, “I know. It's okay. You...you have every right to cycle through all this and more.”
“Please, don't give up on me.”
“I'm not giving up on you, I swear. I'm just...trying to respect that and your emotions.”
Two mature points for me please. That's not a real thing? Well it should be!
Seeing him relieved by the way his shoulders relax, I softly smile. “Okay?”
“Okay.” Merrick nods. “I love you. I'll see you tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow night.”
Hurt appears in his speech. “Tomorrow night?”
“I have a few things I need to get wrapped up before I get ready to leave and you...” I toss a glance over my shoulder at the McCoys who seem to be sinking back into somberness. Seeing them heartbroken pushes my eyes back into his. “You have some DNA who need you.”
“But I need you,” the words are proceeded with his hands on my sides. “I need you, Jovi.”
“And you'll have me.” Sensing he needs something a little extra I lean down and whisper, “And tomorrow night you can pick me up and have me again...and again...and again...”
A familiar groan crawls out of him as his fingers flex into my flesh. “Fucking tease.”
I wink. “You fucking love it.”
“Damn right I do,” he replies with a smile.
It's the first real smile I've seen in hours.
I need him to keep it.
Instantly, I push my lips against his and drop my tongue into his mouth, offering it up as a sacrifice on the altar of his emotions. Surrendering my tongue for the use of slaving away the pain swirling inside him, I'm thankful when he snatches the gift full force, yanking me back down into his lap. With a hand wrapped around my nape he thrusts his tongue against mine, demanding further submission. Melting into him, I almost forget we're not alone until Hayli's yelling clears the haze.
