by Xavier Neal
“I will leave you here,” she snips.
Dragging my lips away from his, I look over my shoulder at her. “I'm just saying goodbye.”
“The French Way,” Daniel teases with a wink.
Merrick flashes his brother his middle finger and delivers another kiss, this one faster than the first but no less intense.
Can we give him a prize for how good he is? What do you mean I am the prize?
Slipping off of his lap, I sigh, “Talk soon.”
He nods and let's Hayli lead me out of the room after I say goodbye to my future in-laws.
Oh...that sounds strange. So strange. Also kinda dig it.
After a mildly quiet ride home filled with more Tina Turner than I knew Hayli possessed, she pulls into the driveway.
Preparing to kill the engine she asks, “Want me to stay the night? Not sure if you wanna be alone...”
Which really means she needs it, but doesn't wanna admit it.
“If you wanna stay the night you can,” I offer. “I'm okay though. I mean...yeah it's hard to watch Merrick so broken, but there's nothing I can do other than just be there when he needs me, ya know? Ben was his best friend. Ben was his cousin. They were practically twins sometimes.”
“Ben was the better twin.”
I give her a sarcastic look that makes her giggle.
“You know I love blondes.”
“No you don't.”
“Fine. I loved the blonde twin. Ben wore it well.” After I smile again she says, “You know, we're kinda like twins.”
Giggling, I shake my head. “We're nothing like twins.”
“We're really not,” she quickly agrees. “But we're just like them. Best friends. Family. I'm pretty sure I've had more meals cooked by Nadie than my own mother and more lectures from Mr. Carter than my father could ever care to think about.”
The mention of his name causes a little dread on the inside.
I don't feel like finishing that fight any time today. Ever, really.
“True...”
“Well, I guess I'm gonna go home then. Are you sure you're fine?”
“Fine as I can be.”
“Alright, but if you need anything just call me and I'll come over. Got it?”
“Same.” I demand with a point of a finger. “Anything. Just come over.”
“Definitely.”
Exiting Hayli's car, I take the stroll to the front door slowly, cringing with every step. The second I step inside my house, I'm greeted by Nadie who just happens to be leaving the kitchen.
“Hey...” her tone is drenched in sympathy. “You okay?”
I shut the door behind me and shrug.
Am I? It's hard to be there for someone who floats back and forth so easily with letting you in and pushing you out. It's hard to know what to say and when. The worst part of all of this, is knowing there's something he's keeping from me, but won't say what. I thought he trusted me. I thought...I thought we were bonded past the point of needing to speak in riddles and codes. I hate this feeling. I hate it so much.
“That bad?” Nadie interrupts the train of thought.
Unsure of what to say, I start, “I...” When it hits me that I don't know how to finish it, I head for the stairs where I drop down to sit.
Nadie leans against the banister. “Wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head.
“Okay,” she replies slowly. “Then can we talk about the fact your boyfriend is a McCoy?”
Shit. I forgot we would have to deal with that.
Panic ensues, “Did you-”
“Tell your father? No,” she reassures me.
“About any of it?”
“No. However, he had some very harsh, very hurtful choice words for me before he got called away.”
“I'm sorry, Nadie. You didn't deserve that.”
“I didn't, but I've dealt with the temper better known as your father for years. What upsets me Jo' is that you felt you couldn't tell me.”
I knew that it would hurt, but I wasn't expecting it to hurt her this much.
“I'm sorry, Nadie, but what did you expect me to do?”
“For you to be honest. To trust me.”
Okay so I have trust issues with the people I love too. No need to rub that in right now!
“I'm sorry-”
“I don't wanna hear apologies. I wanna fix things. I'm concerned about you and your safety Jovi. Did you know he street races?”
On a deep breath, I nod.
Her hands grip the railing tighter. “Have you been in the car?”
“Not while he races.”
“Have you-”
“Been to the races? Yes.”
“Oh my-”
“It's not like Dad thinks it is-”
“But it's still against the law, Jo'!”
I snap loudly, “There are a lot of things wrong with the law, Nadie!”
“Do not raise your voice at me.”
What is wrong with me? Why can't I talk about this calmly?
Nadie runs a hand through her hair. “That may be true. Laws aren't always perfect, but the law is there for a reason Jovi. And it's your father who fights to protect and serve and keep it in place.”
I shake my head slowly. “Doesn't mean he's always right.”
“Hell, it doesn't mean the law is always right either, but that fact is, you follow it or have to deal with the consequences. Whether those consequences are fines or jail time, everyone has to answer for the crimes they committed at some point, especially those involved in the racing world. Your father is relentless about it.”
In a short whisper I snap, “I know.”
That worries me a little more than I care to confess.
“Now please tell me you've never raced.”
Stop laughing! I can drive!
“No. And I've never asked. Doesn't matter anyway. Merrick may drive a little fast sometimes, but he considers me precious cargo and would never put my life at risk like that,” I coo sweetly, missing him already.
Nadie fights the urge to smile at the comment. “Did you know Ben was involved in criminal activity?”
“No. Well, street racing aside. I had no idea other than what Dad mentioned.”
“What about Merrick? Is he involved in anything illegal besides street racing? Drug dealing? Drug using? Stealing? Prost-”
“No!” I bite quickly. “Of course not! God Nadie! Just because he street races doesn't make him some big city criminal!”
Instead of arguing her point, she surrenders a hand.
I am not overreacting.
“How...how is he dealing with Ben's death?”
“I don't know. He's shutting me out.”
“He's just grieving, Jo'.”
“I know,” my voice says faintly. “Doesn't mean it hurts less.”
“I know,” Nadie echoes. “Just...be patient.” When I nod she adds, “And be prepared to fight because now's the time to confess it all, Jovi. You're dad's out for the night I have a feeling, but tomorrow. Tomorrow you're gonna have to come clean. Shiny, Windex clean. You need to face this head on.” Before I have a chance to argue she sighs, “And I suggest you reevaluate everything you wanna say and how you wanna say it because despite how you're feeling right now, I'm here for you. I'm on your side. I'm here to help you get through all this.”
Thank God for that. Nadie really is the best mom I could ask for. I'm not even sure my actual mom would be this understanding. This accommodating to me and Dad's attitude. Then again if she hadn't died, I wonder if he would've become this dark and brooding. What if that happens to Merrick? What if I can't save him before he does something crazy or out of control? What if Ben's death is the callous that turns him from the full of life soul consuming creation into something I don't recognize? Something so grim and hopeless he wanders into a void I can't reach him in. Why do I feel like it's already starting?
Merrick
Haven't slept. Haven't ate. Haven't done much more tha
n get trapped in memories of Ben and fucked up what ifs. No. Not just the what ifs you're thinking. Not just the what ifs I've been asking since Madden told me, but what if he were here right now? What if he would've cleaned up his act? What if he would've fell in love some day? Had kids? What if he could've had everything I want? What if...what if he would've came with me to leave all this bullshit behind and start over?
The radio changes to “Bitch Better Have My Money” and instantly my shoulders slump.
It's like he can fucking hear me. Can he? Is it crazy to think that he can?
“Oh Merrick,” Azura sighs as she leans on her arms across from me. “You do know that drowning your sorrows in top shelf tequila isn't going to make you feel any better right?”
Relax. I haven't even had more than a fucking sip, which is fucking pathetic. I've been here for hours. I stopped paying attention after the third hour. No telling how long ago that was. Here's a note you might want to write down though. Watered down tequila is worse than regular tequila. Trust me.
I lift my eyes up slowly from the glass I've been staring into.
“That's bourbon.” Her jokes gets a small grin out of me.
Don't point it out.
“Ben hated bourbon. Said it burned too bad. When Triple D made fun of him for it he said 'Doesn't matter anyway. Tequila makes her clothes come off'.” Another smile briefly flashes on my face. “Fucking Ben...”
She sighs again and pushes up her falling glasses. “He was charming in his own...perverted way.”
Curious my eyebrows rise. “You spent time around Ben?”
“I've spent time around all of you,” she informs.
That can't be fucking true. I barely remember running into her other than that time at the pool party and once before when she was stumbling out of the apartment in the middle of the night.
Seeing my disbelief she explains, “Triple D comes in a lot for pre-screwing drinks and Madden comes in for post.”
“I...I didn't know my brothers had drinking routines like that or hell, even at this bar.”
“It's a great spot,” Azura insists. “I'm guessing it was Ben who had mentioned this place?”
Reluctantly I nod. “Did he...Did he have a routine here too?”
We have been tag team partners, but we did have time apart. Especially after I met Jovi. Fuck. Maybe I should've never met her. Maybe he'd still be alive.
“Ben popped in whenever. No rhyme or reason. Just...whenever he felt like it I guess.”
“That was Ben,” I mutter under my breath. “Did whatever the fuck he wanted...when he wanted...”
Azura leans in a little closer.
Don't worry. Not that close.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“No,” I snap. “I'm so tired of people wanting me to fucking talk about it. What the fuck is there to talk about? He fucking died. I'm fucking alive. There. Talk had.”
Azura gives me a short smile, pats the bar in front of me, and walks away.
Fuck. That was....I'm being...Fuck. I know. She didn't deserve that. I'll apologize. Chill. Chill. I swear. I'll apologize.
My eyes search for where she abandoned me to. It only takes a moment for me to spot her refilling an older man's beer at the end of the bar to the left. His beard is salt and pepper like his hair, his clothes are oil stained much like his skin, and his face looks worn out. Tired from the weight of work. Or maybe life.
Is that what I'm going to look like if I don't get out of here? If I stay behind and manage to stay alive that long?
I watch Azura politely smile at him, the gesture what he seems to need to further relax. Afterward she turns her back to busy herself a good distance from me.
Oh don't say that. I already feel shitty enough.
“Hey,” I call to her. When she glances over her shoulder at me I finish with, “Sorry. I didn't mean to be such a dick.”
Grabbing the glass she had been drying she strolls back towards me. “I know you didn't. I'm not mad.”
Baffled I question, “Really?”
“Really.”
“Most chicks-”
“Contrary to you and Triple D's beliefs, I am not most chicks.”
Do you feel like we missed something?
“Merrick, you're clearly grieving. You probably have a lot going on in that crazy mind of yours. I get that. But why you're trying to numb the pain with tequila a very sweet bartender gave you on the house, instead of your gorgeous girlfriend, is the part I can't figure out.”
Jovi...Beautiful, sweet, understanding, til death do us part Jovi. I should be with her. I wish I was. She spent the morning looking at cars with Nadie and then girl time or some shit this afternoon with Hayli. Packing for her move. I'd be over there if her father wasn't home. At least I think I would be. Should I be?
On a long exhale I shake my head.
“Okay well...you can either talk to me, as a totally unbiased opinion or....I can walk away and pretend to rearrange the liquor again.”
I lift my glass to my lips. “You're surprisingly kinda pushy.”
She shrugs. “It's been a long day.”
“Tell me about it,” I mumble. After a brief pause I cave, needing someone's opinion besides my own. “I'm a McCoy-”
With a wink she interrupts, “Obviously.”
“We party. We race. We...we live on the edge. We're fucking loyal to each other. No matter what. But I don't wanna do it anymore. I want out. I wanna live a different life. In a different place. With...well with...”
“With Jovi.”
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “And I was going to. No problem. I was gonna tell my brothers, 'fuck this, I'm out' and now...now that Ben's gone I just...I can't. I feel if I ditch them now, I'm not just leaving them, but abandoning them when they need me the most.”
“Almost like they'd be losing another McCoy.”
“Yeah. Exactly. I feel they'd start talking shit about betrayal. Make me feel like I'm turning my back on the people who raised me. Who've saved me. Who've....”
“Who've turned you into the man you are?” Azura fills in.
I nod.
“Don't you think they might be understanding? Or even grateful that they have one less little brother to make sure comes home alive? One more little brother that's not in jail or has a gun to his head?”
Oh...been there.
“Maybe your brothers would be happy that you'd finally be safe and happy.”
Valid points? You really think so?
A short hum comes from me before I tilt my head. “Maybe....”
“You haven't told Jovi how you're feeling, have you?”
Quickly I shake my head and have another sip.
She's understanding. Too understanding. So understanding that I don't know if she'd even tell me she really wanted me to come with her. To be with her. To keep our marriage going. No...we're not married yet. Two days to go. Two long fucking days.
“I suggest you tell her. Hell, tell them all. Give them each a chance to accept or deny the thoughts you're going through. Don't decide for them what they think.”
“You've got a point.” I put the glass down at the same time she leans back on the bar. “A girl as smart as you should be more than just Triple D's....well, what day of the week girl are you?”
“I'm not.”
“I thought you were one of Daniel's girls.”
“That's my sister.” Folding her hands together, Azura's mocha face falls. “Everyone forgets I even exist.”
“I don't.”
“Really? You remember me before now?”
“Yeah. The pool party.”
She furrows her eyebrows. “Before that?”
Not sure I want to risk upsetting her twice I say, “I'll definitely remember you now.”
“That's only because I gave you free liquor.”
