THANKSGIVING DADDY

by Rachel Lee

  The day was beginning to darken, but she ignored it, determined to fight this demon, whether imagined or real.

  She’d been living a long time with the fact that her mother had left to sink into a world of drug addiction and eventually death. There was nothing there she hadn’t been dealing with for a long time, and she knew how lucky she had been to have a grandmother who had loved her and cared for her.

  But then her grandmother had died. Well, elderly people die, right? Surely that hadn’t added to her sense of abandonment.

  Her insides clenched a little as she looked at herself through this new lens. True? Not true? Had she somehow developed some ridiculous notion that everyone she cared about would leave her sooner or later, so it was wise not to care?

  Look at Seth. He’d lost two wives, but he was prepared to jump in with both feet for this baby. Surely, he had lost buddies and friends as she had. He hadn’t turned it into some kind of psychological trauma. He still had made deep connections with his new family. Nor was he running from this child, which must have landed in his lap like an unexpected grenade. No, he was committed even to the point of entering into a loveless marriage for the sake of their son.

  Damn. He hadn’t wavered. She was the one doing all the wavering, but she sure as hell was the one who was going to deliver a baby in four months and become a mother for the rest of her days, not a job that could be shirked or evaded. Not unless she wanted to be like her mother.

  Once again she froze, midstep. Like her mother?

  Confusion swamped her for a minute. Like her mother? No way was she like her mother. She’d already decided to keep this child and raise it the best way she could manage. No, she would not abandon her baby.

  But she had resented some of the sacrifices she would have to make. Had that roused her fears that she might fail? Or was the fear something else?

  She realized she was close to the Tates’ house and, for a second, just a second, considered stopping to talk to Marge. But Marge had her own agenda, and had experienced all of this under a very different set of circumstances. Talking with her might be more confusing than helpful, and anyway, she needed to reach her own answers and conclusions.

  Turning, she traced her steps back to Seth’s. If abandonment was her real issue, she didn’t have a foggy idea of how to deal with it. Nor did she have any idea how to address it with Seth. There were some promises people could make, with the best of intentions, but no guarantees they’d be able to keep them.

  There lay the entire crux of the matter. For a risk-taker, she was showing herself to be one hell of a coward.

  Warm lights shone through the windows as she approached the house. When she opened the front door, delicious aromas filled the air, emanating from the kitchen. She followed them and found Seth making a salad while something baked in the oven.

  “Smells wonderful,” she said.

  He turned with a smile. “Baked ziti. I may even be able to manage garlic bread. Take a seat. Coffee? Milk?”

  “Coffee,” she said as she sat and slipped her jacket off.

  He didn’t question her, didn’t press her. He just brought her the coffee and remarked that he could feel the chill all around her. “Need a blanket?”

  “I’ll be fine in just a minute. I didn’t get that cold.”

  “Well, we do know the cold, don’t we?”

  Remembering Afghanistan, she knew he was right. It really got cold up in those mountains. She wondered how many nights he’d endured in those frigid temperatures and the deep snow, but didn’t ask. Redacted.

  But she liked the way he said we. It sounded especially good, coming from him.

  “Do you need a nibble? Dinner won’t be ready for about forty-five minutes.”

  “Apple?” she asked.

  “Coming up.”

  So common, so ordinary, so casual. So damn normal, even while she could almost feel the storm hovering overhead. Good storm or bad storm she didn’t know, but until decisions were made, conclusions reached, that black cloud would continue to hover.

  She ate half the apple before she spoke, while he finished the salad and started putting garlic butter on a baguette.

  “I’ve been thinking,” she said.

  His answer sounded light, although she thought she saw tension tighten his shoulders. “I gathered that.”

  “I told you I’m a control freak.”

  “I’d be surprised if you weren’t, given what you do. I pretty much am, too, I guess.”

  “Maybe. But I think with me it isn’t a trained response.”

  He turned from buttering the bread to face her. “No?”

  “No.” She stared at the apple. “One word surfaced, one I hadn’t thought about.”

  “Which is?”

  “Abandonment.”

  “That’s heavy.”

  She dared to glance at him and found him both waiting and watchful. But there was something more there. He didn’t appear to be a man poised for trouble. No, he looked a bit...sad?

  “I guess,” she said. “I can’t figure it. I’ve been dealing with my mother’s desertion since I was old enough to know. My grandmother’s death was...well, hardly unexpected for a woman of her years. We all lose people we know in combat. So why an abandonment issue?”

  He gave a little questioning shake of his head, but didn’t say anything.

  “I mean, if anyone could have an issue like that, it would be you. You knew your whole life you were adopted.”

  “True. If I had an issue with it, I don’t remember it. But I couldn’t tell you why.”

  “I know. And I can’t tell you why I do. It’s just sitting there in the basement of my subconscious. It’s like a land mine waiting to be stepped on or something. I don’t know. I just know that I’ve only made two commitments in my adult life, and they were both to my job.”

  “That bothers you?”

  “It should. It does. But that’s why I kept threatening to leave. I’m safe in the air force, safe in my job. The rules are all clear-cut, the plans laid out and the air force won’t abandon me. Or at least they didn’t until I became pregnant.”

  “They still haven’t,” he said quietly.

  “Maybe not. But this new future I’m facing...” She shrugged and pushed the plate and apple away. “No guarantees. No plans. No reliability. The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m going to have a child to care for, and I don’t even know if I’ll be a good mother. How the hell would I begin to know how?”

  He came to her then, kneeling on the hard floor beside her chair and wrapping his arms around her. “Everybody starts out knowing very little about being a parent. It’s on-the-job training for most of us. But I think you have everything it takes, and you’re smart enough to learn what you need.”

  “I sure hope so.” She sighed, then leaned toward him a bit to rest her forehead on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you since yesterday.”

  “I got that heavy stuff was going on. I’m not totally dense.”

  She gave a weak laugh. “You’re not dense at all. But all this brings us back to what’s right for this baby.”

  “And for us,” he reminded her. “What’s right for both of us matters, too. I’ve been pretty insistent about being a father to this child. I mean it. But you have to be happy with the terms, too. I was thinking yesterday that a whole lot of tension between the two of us wouldn’t be a good thing for our son, either. So we work that out somehow. Anything short of telling me to get lost or visit only twice a year.”

  She shook her head slightly against his shoulder. “That would be cruel to both of you. I’m not going there. I’m not even thinking about it anymore. No, we need something more stable.”

  “Agreed. And you’re still feeling cold to me. How about I get you some more coffee or hot
cocoa or something, and we eat? Important discussions are better when people aren’t cold, tired and hungry.”

  He paused. “I’d suggest a hot shower, but that would likely cause us to ruin dinner, and this is my first attempt at baked ziti. I expect rave reviews.”

  The strange sadness that had been filling her lifted, and she managed a laugh as he pulled away to finish dinner preparations.

  “I do have one funny thing to tell you,” he said as he sprinkled some grated parmesan on the split loaf of bread. “Mom called wanting to know if we’d made plans yet. I told her that I’d asked you for a marriage of convenience and was awaiting your answer.”

  Edie clapped her hand to her mouth, torn between laughter and horror. “Seth, you didn’t!”

  “I did.” He turned and gave her a devilish look. “I must say, I had the rare pleasure of rendering my mother speechless.”

  “Oh. My...” Laughter won the day, and before she knew it, it tumbled out of her until she had to wrap her arms around herself. “Oh, Seth, you’re terrible.”

  “I’m also a lot of fun. She’ll get over it.”

  Edie wiped at her eyes and tried to catch her breath. “I almost stopped to talk to her a little while ago. I’m glad I didn’t. Can you just imagine?”

  “It would have been a toss-up between raking me over the coals or pressuring you to accept. I can’t decide which. So yeah, it’s good you didn’t stop.”

  Another thought had been occurring to her increasingly over the past day, but she kept it to herself while they ate. Thinking about the environment in which she wanted to raise this child...well, it had made her look at some things straight on. But they could talk later.

  The ziti was wonderful, as were the bread and salad, and she spared no praise.

  “Keep talking like that and I’ll cook for you every night,” he said finally.

  “You’re welcome to it. Not my thing, I don’t think.”

  “I’m discovering I like it.”

  After they cleaned up and put the leftovers away, they retired to the living room, him with coffee, her with cocoa. She struggled with her boots and finally Seth pushed her hands away and did it for her. “I swear,” he said, “I am taking you shoe shopping tomorrow. No arguments.”

  She offered none, because it kind of tickled her in some silly way.

  “Want me to go get your slippers?”

  “My socks will work for now.” She leaned back, putting her feet up. “This feels so good.”

  “Yeah, it does,” he agreed.

  She couldn’t read his face again, but she sensed he meant more than putting his feet up.

  “So,” she said finally.

  “Yes?”

  “I’ve been thinking about my abandonment issues. And about something else.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Have you seen base family housing since it was turned over to private contractors?”

  “Not really.”

  “It’s pretty bad. I keep hearing stories about how it’s moldy and unsafe. One woman I work with had to move her family out on doctor’s orders.”

  “That’s not good. But there are places off base.”

  “Of course. But that’s just the start of what I was thinking.”

  “I’m all ears.”

  “Being here all this time has been a good thing. It gave me a comparison.” She bit her lower lip. “Do I want to raise a military brat who’ll move every couple of years, or do I want my child to have a stable home in a familiar environment, friends he can keep his whole life?”

  “Interesting question.”

  She noted he didn’t offer an opinion. She was walking out onto this limb by herself. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe not.

  “Anyway, I think growing up here would be better for him.”

  For an instant she saw that amazing stillness in him. Then he asked, “Are you proposing leaving him with me?”

  “Not exactly.”

  At that he put his feet on the floor and leaned forward. “Would you be part of this?”

  “That’s what I’m thinking.”

  He stood and began to pace. “Your career, Edie. That’s everything to you.”

  “It’s not everything. It was wrong of me to make it everything, and now I have something else on the way that’s even more important. I realized that. Yes, you can raise a child in the military, and lots of people do it very well, even though those long absences and worries can take a toll. But I have a choice, and how much better if I give our son a hometown and a whole fam-damily, as you call it.”

  He stopped to face her. “It’s not all Currier and Ives.”

  “I didn’t think it was. I watch you tussle with your mother. I’m sure people here are like people everywhere. But whatever the problems, I’d rather our son not be rootless.”

  After a moment he nodded slowly. “I can’t exactly disagree.”

  “Seth, I don’t want my kid, our kid, to grow up with a feeling of abandonment. With a reluctance to make connections that won’t last. I can’t say for sure that would happen if I stayed on active duty, but I can say for damn near sure it won’t if I don’t.”

  “But that would kill you!”

  “It won’t kill me. Even less if Yuma meant what he said about flying for the ERT. But it’s all about this baby. It only struck me around the time I arrived here that I was trying to fit this baby into my life and that maybe I had it exactly backward. I need to fit my life around this baby. Isn’t that what you’re willing to do?”

  “It’s not exactly the same.”

  “Really? You were prepared to become a camp follower, and I don’t think that was your plan, either, before I showed up.”

  He remained silent. Damn, she wished she could read him right now. Sometimes his face could turn into a carved statue. Her heart had accelerated with nervousness, and she wanted so desperately to know how he was really feeling. But evidently he had decided that it was her time to talk.

  Finally he asked, very quietly, “What about the rest, Edie? What about you and me?”

  “I don’t want a marriage of convenience.”

  “Oh. So you get a house up the street?”

  She hesitated. “Seth... If necessary.”

  “If necessary? What the hell does that mean?”

  She couldn’t bring herself to tell him. She already felt as exposed as a raw nerve ending. Defenseless. Without protection. And now he was going to get mad?

  “You’re waffling,” he said flatly. “Hesitating. Edie, if there’s one thing I want from you, it’s some certainty about what you’re doing and what you want. It’s not like you to not speak your mind, and I need that right now. Where do I stand? Where do you stand? Please.”

  Her throat tightened, things inside her started crumbling. Where had this woman come from, because she sure wasn’t the woman she had been when she arrived here. “I want...” She could barely squeeze the words out. “I told you about my issue with...abandonment.”

  He swore. She might have jerked back except that she didn’t have time. He scooped her up from the chair and headed for the stairs.

  “We’re going to settle this,” he said grimly. “Now. I told you I was a lousy pussyfooter.”

  She felt on the verge of tears. She was scared of her own vulnerability, and maybe that had been her worst fear all along. Fear that if she ever let down her walls she could be hurt again.

  He laid her on the bed, then undressed her as gently as if she were a child. She could barely see through the dampness in her eyes, through the tears that didn’t fall. The next thing she knew, he was naked under the covers with her, his legs and arms wrapped around her, holding her as close as he could get her. As close as two people could get physically. She felt surrounded by him, and o
ddly that made her feel safe.

  “I. Will. Never. Abandon. You.” He spoke each word separately and distinctly, emphasizing each. “Do you hear me?”

  “Yes,” she whispered brokenly.

  “I mean it, Edie. I swear it. I will never abandon you. If you want me gone, you’re going to have to tell me to get lost, because otherwise I will never, ever, leave you.”

  “But that’s not fair to you,” she protested, even as the terror in her heart tried to ease.

  “Yes, it is. Because I don’t want to be anywhere else. Period. Ever.”

  “But how can you possibly be sure of that?”

  “First of all, I keep my word. But there’s this other thing, too.”

  “Which is?”

  “It’s called a leap of faith. I took it every time I departed on a mission, and so did you. Admit it. There’s only so much you can know, only so much you can plan for. After that you’re going on faith. Faith that you can deal. Faith that you’ll find a way. No matter how much we try to control it, most of life is one great big risk, one great big leap of faith. Hell, every single one of us takes a leap of faith every time we get behind the wheel of a car.”

  He paused. “I took a leap of faith both times I married.”

  “That should tell you something.”

  “Actually, what it taught me is that nothing good ever comes without a risk. With Darlene, the risk went sour. With Maria, life just happened. A drunk driver at the wrong place at the wrong time. But there was a helluva lot of happiness in the meantime. I don’t regret either decision.”

  “Really?” She lifted her eyes to meet his gaze and saw certainty unshadowed by pain.

  “Where do you get without taking risks, Edie? You don’t need me to tell you.”

  She closed her eyes, trying not to let his closeness distract her from the issues. She would have loved to cast all the questions to the wind and forget them in some incredible lovemaking, but that would merely postpone the more important concerns. Time was getting short. Before she knew it, her leave would be over. Before she knew it, she’d have a baby. Some things could wait no longer.

  “I... Seth, you don’t really want a loveless marriage. You’ve already had two marriages for love. How could you settle for less?”