One Season of Sunshine

by Julia London

  “Not at all,” Jane said. “That’s not what I meant.”

  Asher looked at the door.

  “I don’t know what this means, this thing between us.”

  That was fair. “Neither do I,” he reluctantly admitted.

  “I need to think,” she said uncertainly.

  That was the least he could do. He looked at her. “Yes.” It was all he could say. His body was still thrumming, his blood still sluicing hot in his veins. He didn’t want to think right now, he wanted to make love.

  “I’m off to Houston tomorrow, and you and the kids . . .”

  “Right.” He suddenly wanted out of this studio. He hated this place. He hated the evidence of Susanna all around him. How had he believed, if only for a moment, that he could escape her? He looked at the door again. Just get out. Get out of here, get away from Susanna, get away from your lust.

  Jane must have read his thoughts. She started moving. “So, I’ll just go now,” she said carefully.

  But as she walked past him, Asher impulsively reached out and tangled his fingers with hers. She paused and gazed up at him, and Asher saw a depth of emotion in her eyes that sent a small shiver through him.

  Jane didn’t say anything more. She put her head down and walked on. She was running when she stepped outside, jogging onto the path. Away from him, Asher wondered, or away from her desire?

  He waited until he felt in control of himself again, then closed the door and shoved against it twice to make sure it was locked before walking back to the house.

  25

  Jane was gone from Summer’s End the next day as soon as she could get her things together. Not only had she completely overstepped her bounds but she’d reached yet another dead end in the search for her birth mother, and she’d made no progress on her thesis.

  Jane felt awful about herself. She didn’t know herself.

  She arrived in Houston in time for the family’s nightly meal. They were all very happy to see her. Eric and Matt, her freakishly handsome brothers, did their favorite thing and sandwiched her between them. “Neanderthals ’til the bitter end,” Jane said laughingly.

  “You’re so skinny!” her mother cried, wrapping Jane in a tight embrace.

  “Mom, I have been gone a month. I have not gained or lost a pound. And I was never skinny.”

  “I am so glad to see you!” her mother said, ignoring her.

  “Let her go, Terri. She’ll be gone six months if she thinks she has to endure that every time she comes home. C’mere, kid, your old man wants a hug, too,” her father rumbled.

  She said hello to Aunt Mona and Uncle Barry, and answered their questions about Cedar Springs, about the kids, about the house. When they sat down to eat—grilled pork medallions with red potato mashers, roasted corn, and tarragon aioli, the evening’s special—Jane’s cousin Vicki asked her bluntly, “Did you find your birth mother?”

  “For heaven’s sake, Vicki,” Aunt Mona said irritably.

  “What?” Vicki asked. “It’s what we all want to know, isn’t it?”

  Everyone looked hopefully at Jane.

  “Ah, no . . .” She forked some of the potatoes. “So far, I haven’t had much luck.”

  “So have you found anything?” Eric asked. “Mom said the hospital wouldn’t tell you anything.”

  “Nothing. The hospital has to have a name to even consider looking. So I went to the local paper to look at birth announcements, but that didn’t work out, either. There was a little box that announced three girls had been born at the hospital that day, but there were no names. Nothing. I guess the hospital was short-staffed that week or something,” she said with a shrug.

  “You’re kidding!” Uncle Barry said, looking confused. “I don’t understand. I thought those little country papers always printed that kind of stuff.”

  “I guess this paper is more of a hobby for this old guy than an actual paper. They get the Austin American Statesman for real news.”

  “So what does that mean? Are you going to give up?” Vicki asked, and everyone paused in their dining to hear her answer.

  Jane flushed. “I don’t think so. I just have to figure out how to continue.”

  “In Cedar Springs?” Matt asked.

  “Well . . . yes, in Cedar Springs. That seems logical. At least for a while.”

  She noticed the look Matt and Eric exchanged.

  “So how is the thesis coming?” her dad asked.

  Jane dropped her gaze to her plate. “Hmm. Well, that’s . . . kind of in limbo,” she said with a wince.

  Everyone looked at their plates then. It was fairly apparent to Jane that they all thought she was a flake. Maybe she was. Maybe she was discovering how deep her flakiness went. Maybe all that go-getting, motivated ambition she’d had all her life had been a fluke.

  Her mother suddenly stood up. “Anyone need refills?” she asked, wiggling her empty glass at them, and walked out of the room.

  No one said much about Jane after that.

  Later, when Jane was at her parents’ house for the night, she called Jonathan. “Hey, guess what? I’m a day early,” she said brightly.

  “Oh. Great,” he said. “I wish I’d known. I’ve got a gig tonight.”

  She had figured as much. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

  “I have to work, Janey.”

  “Okay. Then I guess I’ll see you at the Foghorn, right?”

  “The set starts at ten. Thanks for coming, Janey. I’ve got to run . . . but I’ll see you there, okay?”

  He clicked off before she could ask anything else.

  Nicole’s husband agreed to watch Sage so Nicole could accompany Jane to the Foghorn. Nicole was excited about her night out without a toddler, and she ordered appletinis for them. They found a table near the stage and caught up while they waited for the set to start.

  Jane told Nicole what had happened at the paper in Cedar Springs.

  “Well, someone gave the old coot the information,” Nicole said. “You should go and ask.”

  “I did. The hospital has to have a name.”

  “Not the name of your birth mother—of whoever was working that day.”

  At first Jane laughed. “That was thirty years ago. You think they still have the work schedule hanging in a back room?”

  “No, but I bet they can figure out who was working then. The doctor on duty, that sort of thing. It can’t be that hard. It’s not like it was the dark ages. It’s a fairly modern hospital, right?”

  Nicole had a point.

  “Hey, there’s Jonathan!” Nicole said. Jonathan’s band was taking the stage to check equipment. Nicole whistled; Jonathan looked up, and Jane waved at him. He lifted his chin in response.

  “What is that, that chin thing,” Nicole complained. “Is his hand too heavy? He looks hot, Janey,” she said, nudging Jane.

  He did look hot. And he looked completely different from Asher. Edgier, maybe. Rock and roll sexy. Any woman would be thrilled to have him as a boyfriend. Jane should have been thrilled. Jonathan was a great guy, perfect for her, and she couldn’t understand why it was so hard for her to love him like he loved her. It wasn’t as if she could do better than Jonathan. Asher wasn’t perfect for her, Asher was a dream. Jonathan, on the other hand, had been there for her for three years. Jonathan was real. Maybe she could make this work. Maybe she just had to focus on it, and it would all come flooding back.

  Once the music started, Jane was reminded what an excellent musician Jonathan was. She’d always thought his guitar playing was soulful, but tonight, it transported her. And Jonathan seemed happy to see her when she went up to the stage between sets. He asked her to meet him at his place after the gig. “You still have a key, right?” he asked her.

  “Of course!” she said and gave him a quick kiss.

  Jane was asleep on his couch when Jonathan came home. He woke her up by smoothing back her hair. “Hey,” she said sleepily. “Dude, you were so good tonight.”

  “Thanks.”
He eased down onto the couch beside her, pushed a hand through his long hair, and sighed.

  Jane touched his chest. “Hey, you,” she said. “I’m really happy to see you.” She was happy to see him. Much happier than she would have guessed she’d be a couple of weeks ago.

  Jonathan caught her hand in his and kissed it. “I need to talk to you,” he said. Jane stilled. She could hear it in his voice, could sense it coming, and as if to prove it, Jonathan leaned back and dropped her hand. “I am seeing someone else.”

  Stunned, Jane gaped at him. “Are you kidding?”

  “No, baby,” he said and pushed a wild piece of hair from her face.

  “When?”

  He shrugged a little. “Last couple of weeks. It just sort of happened.”

  Jane suddenly scooted away from him, climbing around him to get off the couch. “Wow,” she said. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Really? I thought you’d be relieved.”

  “Relieved?”

  “Come on, Jane,” he said. “It’s not like you’ve really been into us the last year or so.”

  “What do you mean? I have too been into us. Yes, I moved to Cedar Springs, but that doesn’t mean I’m not into us,” she insisted, but in her heart, she knew that wasn’t true.

  “So into us that every time I broached the subject of marriage, you had some excuse about why it wasn’t going to happen.”

  “I said not right now—”

  “Not right now, not ever,” he said firmly. “Don’t kid yourself, Janey. You have been avoiding the whole commitment question for a long time now. And when you went off to Cedar Springs, it was pretty much over. We both knew it.”

  “I never said it was over! I said I’d be a little while, maybe the summer. What’s wrong with that?”

  “You can’t deny that you left it open-ended.”

  “Only because I couldn’t tell you how long it was going to take.”

  “Exactly,” he said. “A few months, a few years?”

  He was right, he was so right. She’d been stringing him along, hoping he’d still be around when she’d gotten through whatever it was she was trying to get through. She hadn’t allowed herself to think of what would happen then. It just seemed too big a question, too weighted, too important to consider until she at least knew who she was.

  “You’re right,” she said sorrowfully and sank onto her knees next to the couch. “I’ve been horrible to you.”

  “Hey, I never said that.”

  “But it’s true,” she said. She laid her head on his lap. Jonathan stroked her hair. Funny, but Jane was already feeling the void. “Who is she?” she asked.

  “No one you know. Her name is Elissa. She’s a violinist with the Houston Symphony.”

  That actually sounded cool. “I’m sorry, Jonathan,” Jane said tearfully. “I tried.”

  “I know you did. But it would have been worse if you’d married me because I wanted it. It’s okay, Janey. I am cool with the truth.” He took her hand in his and squeezed it. “I really hope you find what you are looking for, you know? I don’t think there will be any peace for you until you do.”

  Maybe. Jane wasn’t so certain of that anymore.

  She left an hour later after the two of them had gathered up the few things she’d left behind in his apartment. “Can I call you to see how you are?” Jane asked a little tearfully as they stood beside her car.

  “I’ll be mad if you don’t.” He wrapped her in an embrace and kissed her cheek. Myriad images flashed in her head; their first meeting, the days they’d spent in Galveston. His band. Making love . . . A tear slipped from the corner of her eye, trailing down her cheek.

  She got in her car, waved good-bye, and had the sense that now she really didn’t know where she belonged.

  It was late when Jane got home. She felt a weariness in her bones that felt more like days than hours without sleep. She collapsed onto her childhood bed and fell asleep thinking of Jonathan. She was startled awake by a hand clamping down on her foot.

  Jane opened her eyes, squinting.

  “Is it true? You and Jonathan are over?” Eric demanded.

  “What?” she asked grumpily and pulled a pillow over her face.

  Eric pulled it away from her face. “Janey, did you and Jonathan break up?”

  “How do you know that?” she asked and sat up, rubbing her eyes.

  “I heard it at the G Street club.”

  That was impossible. The G Street club was across town. “Man. News travels fast.”

  “Janey—”

  “Yes, Eric, yes. Jonathan broke it off. It’s over. Why?”

  “Why?” Eric exclaimed. “Because I like him? Because you guys have been together for almost three years and we all thought it was going to be Jonathan forever and no one saw this coming? Or because you’re my sister and I am worried about you? Come on, Janey, what happened? Is it the adoption thing?”

  “The adoption thing?” she echoed, pushing her hair from her eyes. “No, it just ran its course. It’s over. Couples break up sometimes.”

  “Do you want me to talk to him?”

  “God, no,” she said quickly. Her brothers had always been so protective of her, Eric particularly. When they’d been kids, he’d been very disturbed by greasy little Jason Kelvin telling Jane she was the black sheep of the family because of her looks, then making bleating sounds behind her back. Eric had tried to fight him. He’d been six to Jason’s nine and the fight had not gone so well for Eric then, but when high school had rolled around, Eric had been a lot bigger than Jason. He’d caught Jason behind the Dumpsters one day and paid him back for all the cruel things he’d ever said to Jane over the years.

  “I don’t mean about you. Just to see how he is doing, if—”

  “Eric—he’s with someone else.”

  Eric stared at her a moment, then sat heavily on his bed. “God, I feel so used.”

  “It’s okay, it really is,” Jane assured him. “Jonathan and I . . . it just wasn’t going to work. We wanted different things.” But as she spoke the words, she couldn’t help wondering if they were true. Last night, at the club, she’d thought she’d wanted him. She’d thought she’d always wanted what Jonathan had wanted, and he’d never wanted anything but the best for her. How could a few weeks in Asher’s company suddenly make Jonathan an also-ran?

  “Man, Janey . . . are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” She fell back, covered her eyes with her arm.

  “Are you sure? Three years is a long time.”

  “I’m sure.” She was, wasn’t she? She suddenly thought of Asher and the way he’d looked at her in the studio, like he’d wanted to crawl inside of her, like she’d been the most gorgeous thing and he hadn’t been able to let go. Sex with Jonathan had been good, but he’d never looked at her like that. No one had ever looked at her like that, no one had ever made her feel quite that alive and desirable and—

  “Hell-oooh, I am talking to you, and you’re off in la-la land. What are you going to do?”

  “Do?” She hadn’t really thought about it. “I’m going back to my job,” she said, realizing that she would in that moment.

  “When are you going to come back here, where your family is?” Eric asked, squeezing her knee.

  “When did you turn into such a family guy?”

  “I guess when my sister took off,” he said gruffly. “So? When?”

  “I don’t know. It’s all going a lot slower than I thought.” Or in a different direction. Everything was in the air and she was drifting along, trying to find her footing in something or someone.

  “Janey, look. We’re all worried about you. You’re giving up so much. And for what?”

  That was a good question, and one she wouldn’t be able to answer until she finished her search. “I know what I’m doing.”

  “Really?” he asked skeptically, sensing her lie.

  “Eric! I am moving as fast as I can.” She was going at least as fast as her heart an
d emotions would allow her to go.

  Which, when she thought about it, wasn’t very fast at all, because fast suddenly equated to leaving Summer’s End.

  26

  Riley was happy and radiant the day of her thirteenth birthday.

  Asher had surprised her by inviting Tracy, thinking her friend would be a good buffer between Riley and his mother. He’d asked Linda Gail at the last possible minute if Tracy could come along, but Linda Gail had been accommodating.

  They rode horses all morning, then Asher’s mother took the girls shopping in San Antonio while Levi and Asher rode the Gator. That night, Asher’s dad barbequed a brisket. Riley wore a new swimsuit and a thing that tied around her waist and hung to her knees. She and Tracy both had bracelets and lizard tattoos on their ankles, picked up that afternoon during their shopping spree. Asher wasn’t crazy about the tattoos, but his mother had assured him they were harmless.

  He watched Riley laughing and dancing with Tracy on the pool decking. His daughter was thirteen today, and her transformation was nothing short of remarkable. Just a few short weeks ago, she’d been dressing in hoodies and black T-shirts. Today, he could see in her the stunner she was going to be. She had budding breasts and curves in her hips. Asher had to look away. He really had no idea how he would survive the dating years.

  They opened gifts poolside. From Asher, Riley got the iPhone she had desperately wanted. But it was Jane’s gift that seemed to make an impression on her. She stroked the thick paper of the sketchbook, examined the colored pencils. She didn’t say much, but her expression relayed her pleasure.

  “Are you going to draw?” Asher asked her.

  She shrugged and smiled a little. “Maybe.”

  On Saturday, Asher took the kids to Schlitterbahn, a giant water park in San Antonio. He left Riley and Tracy sunbathing on the mock beach while he and Levi tackled some of the slides. When they returned, Riley and Tracy were talking to three boys. Already? He was stunned by it and chased the boys away.