by Dee Ellis
If you still want to do it, feel that need to press forward, you know you’re still alive. Know you’re still up to jump into the shit. Having a woman, a life waiting for you, a family like some of the guys was like an anchor in those moments.
“Shit, yes, it does. How’s uh…how’s shit with Red?” The nickname had taunted Gigi for her propensity to blush; I just thought of her flushed after I made her come and almost groaned.
Fuck, there was nothing like how my woman looked after she came. Gigi had all that dark hair, which smelled like freesia and fresh air, and soft pale skin. Those bright dual colored eyes, which flashed different colors every time I touched her differently.
When I made her come, she flushed pink from her cheeks down to her tits, the soft pink of her nipples darkening. Fuck, it was the hottest shit I’d ever seen and could make me hard even after I had come.
“Not as fucked up, but still kind of fucked up.” We both sighed and as we rode to the call, I explained everything.
“Finn, man…I think you’re doing the right thing. I know you’re crazy about Gigi,” Cage seemed to be on board completely now and I couldn’t be more relieved, “I don’t want to see either of you hurt though. Gigi could hurt you too. I mean, man she ripped your fucking heart out a few weeks ago. Both of you need to heal first, you know?” I nodded as we pulled up to a small fire at a flour mill on the outskirts of town.
“I want her to find out for herself if I’m what she wants. I don’t know what the fuck I’ll do if I’m not,” I admitted as we hopped off, my adrenaline spiking both from the smell of smoke and fire and the idea of that, “I barely lasted a few weeks without her talking to me. If Gigi wants someone else…really wants someone else, I don’t know how I can sit back and watch that.” I hadn’t really thought this out, and I realized that as I admitted this.
“I know. I know, bro.” Cage gave a squeeze at my shoulder and nodded towards the fire.
We exchanged a look, then our game faces came out and we headed into action. I checked the perimeter for civilians as Cage prepped the hoses, cracking open the nearest hydrant.
We were just heading inside, Hunter speaking with the workers clustered across the street, when glass exploded out in every direction. Fire curled towards the sky and roared through the windows. Well, it had been a small fire, at least.
Two hours later, I was showered and lying in my bunk, thinking about the fire. About how long it had taken to battle, how it just seemed to keep coming. How it seemed to flare up just when we thought it had died out.
Kind of felt like my feelings for Gigi. For years, I had battled them. Had tried to snuff them out but it had done neither of us any fucking good. We'd both halfheartedly tried to work it out of our system just to let it consume us completely.
Now, Gigi wanted someone else and I knew she was struggling with it. Or maybe she didn’t really, and she simply she wondered what it might be like. Wondered how I would feel to see her with someone else. I deserved the pain it would cause me, and we both knew it.
I shoved all those bunnies down her throat, trying to make her hate me. Make her want someone else. Something better. Without ever considering how bad it was hurting her, until it was too late.
Truth was, she had every right not to trust me. While I never wanted to hurt her, I knew I had. Bree, her slutty friend, had been coming on to me for years. For fucking years. Knowing the entire time that I wanted Gigi, and Gigi wanted me.
I didn’t know where I stood with Gigi, especially now. Didn’t know if I meant more to her than Bree. Just because we were fucking and talking dirty didn’t mean Gigi saw a future with me. I kind of proved to her again and again I didn’t do futures. For her, though, I wanted to.
When I gave her that key to my place, I had been saying as much. Just didn’t have the balls to actually say it. Now I had to consider that maybe what we had was just hot. Burning hot and fun and exciting and nothing more. This fucking pretty boy professor of hers might be what she needs. What she actually wants.
Killed me to consider that.
Because I reacted like an asshole when pain was on the horizon, I was fucking it up. Jealousy was my motive, but that was hardly an excuse. While cooking dinner for us one night, I reverted to the old Finn. Bree was there to study with Gigi and she was laying it on thick. I never responded. Until suddenly, I did.
“What are you ladies studying?” I was asking them both, but looking at Bree.
“Social science. Library science. Should be talking to Charli, huh?” The air was thick as she leaned forward on the counter, giving me a gratuitous view of her tits.
“Not exactly that kind of Science, Bree.” Beside her, Gigi did not miss the tit show or how I was pretending to enjoy it.
I wasn’t; not really. In fact, for the entire time Bree had been here, I had been miserable. Smiling at her too much, pretending her too long and too loud laughter was stroking my ego. More than once, I asked myself what the fuck I was doing. I had no answer, and I kept right on doing it.
“Whatever you are cooking smells amazing. He cooks, he saves lives, what can’t you do, Coops?” Elbows pressing together, her eyes were hooded as I looked at her tits.
The nickname was one I had never liked and hated even more when Bree used it. Made it seem like we had something that we didn’t. Gigi rolled her eyes and shot me a warning look. Then Bree asked a question about Professor Dexter, and Gigi’s face changed. Softened. My heart cracked inside my chest, and I was furious.
I know I had no right. I had no end game for whatever shit I was pulling. I knew I was hurting her. I could feel it coursing in the air between us. Could see how much Bree was enjoying my attention. How much Gigi was withering beneath the flirtations. I didn’t stop. No, of course I didn’t, because I fuck things up.
“The can do’s are much more interesting. I can sink a three pointer with ease. I can build some awesome shit with wood. I give great a massage. My hands should be considered pleasure tools. Been told the same could be said of other parts of my anatomy.” Bree giggled accordingly, and Gigi looked away from the display.
Not before I saw the glitter of tears in her eyes. Bree was talking about wanting a taste of dinner. Her innuendo was not lost on either of us. My hand faltered midway to her mouth with a taste. Bree wrapped her fingers around my wrist and made a show of closing her full lips around the meat. Still not even a twinge in my dick. Nothing.
“Mmm, that’s delicious.” Her lite eyes gave away just what she meant and I cringed.
Without a word, Gigi stood up, gathered her things, and headed for the door. Bree’s eyes lit up and she licked her lips, but I was focused on Gigi. Panic flared through me like a creeping vine wrapping around my chest. Around my throat. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t stop her. What the fuck was I doing?
“Sweetheart, where do you think you’re going?” My voice was not as confident as that question sounded.
“Just thought I’d let the two of you get on with it. Figure the last remnants of decency the two of you possess could break at any moment. Not into a threesome, although it didn’t really feel like I was invited exactly.” Gigi was out the door, crossing the hall and trying to slam her door in my face.
“Baby, don’t be ridiculous. I’d invite you to a threesome.” Gigi moved lightning fast because I didn’t see it, but I felt the crack of her hand across my face.
“Fuck you. Or I mean, go fuck Bree. Been wanting to all night. Maybe this entire fucking time, yeah?” I didn’t want Bree, I never had, but I was hurt and angry.
“What about you? You want your fucking pretty boy professor, yeah?” The look on her face confirmed it; my heart felt like her fist had closed around it before she ripped it out.
“You know what, yeah. I just might. Don’t know what it’s like to want someone else. I ought to try, yeah? Might like how it feels to matter to someone. To know they want just me. That they would never fucking do what you just did to me. What you have always done to me. Fuck you, Fi
nn. Consider your cock unlocked, baby.”
“I fucking knew you wanted that pretty fuck,” I hollered, pacing the hallway between our places, “Bet you were thinking about him when I was inside you. Right after he told you he wanted you. You thought about all the nice places he can take you, all the smart shit the two of you can do together, yeah? Fuck you too, Gigi. I saw it in those pretty eyes. I was deep inside you and you were thinking about someone else. Just to fucking hurt me. So, fuck you too.” Gigi flushed red and it ripped my heart open. Until I said it, I hadn’t been sure it was true, but now I knew it was.
“Get out. Go. I fucking hate you!” Tears stung my eyes because I knew right then, she really did.
We fell quiet and I felt it. Felt the shift in the air because I had pushed her too far. My jealousy had been eating at me. My doubts, the questions. I had been pushing her to see if she might break. Might admit she wanted someone else. The pain that rocketed through me after she admitted she just might left me dizzy. My vision blurred as I stared down at her.
I was going to walk away. Because once again, I had hurt her. I was hurting too, but her pain eclipsed mine. Because it mattered more to me that she was hurting. It always had. My selfish jealousy, that voice in my head telling me Gigi was too good, had let me fuck it up again. Because, that’s what I did.
I had been so confused about what we were. I ruined it before she could tell me it wasn’t enough. I thought giving her some space was a good idea. It had terrified me; so, I had resorted to this shit.
Flirting with her whore friend because I was hurting. I knew I wasn’t good enough for her, and knowing someone else was killed me. Knowing that she might want that someone else finished me off.
“I…I didn’t mean it. Tonight. I don’t know what…” Gigi laughed, and I hated it because it was rusty and hollow.
“Oh, baby, you never mean it, do you? The two years you paraded women in front of me. While I all but screamed how I felt in your fucking face. The lying and sneaking around once I was good enough to try out. Didn’t mean any of that either, right?” Desperately, I reached for her, feeling like I was right back in her apartment after those weeks apart.
It suddenly felt like no time had passed. The dirty phone calls and the moments we'd shared since. Never happened. I knew they did, but it made more sense in my cluster fucked mind if they didn’t. If instead, I had never gotten it right, had never told her how much she matters to me. That I fucking loved her.
“Look, I fuck up. That’s what I do. You always want me anyway. I mean, wait…I don’t mean that. I mean…Gigi, I’m so fucking sorry. I've been crazy since I realized you might want someone else.” I reached for her and she winced; fuck, that hurt.
“Don’t touch me. I get it, Finn. Doesn’t mean you get to keep doing it. Keep wrecking me because of your own pain. I tried, again. You never can say the shit that matters when I need to hear it. So go. Do whatever the fuck you want to. Because, I mean, you were going to anyway, right?” I shook my head, swallowing back the thickness in my throat.
“No. No. I would never…Sweet Girl, I’m so fucking sorry. I never want to hurt--” Gigi glowered at me and crossed the room.
“Fuck you. For not wanting to, you’re a God damn pro at it. For years. Fucking years! I wanted you, and it wasn’t enough. For a minute, it was; at least, I thought it was. Guess not. Guess losing what we had was not enough to make me matter to you.” Fuck! I was fucking losing her for real this time.
“Gigi, please. I don’t know what I was thinking. You know you’re good enough. You’re all that matters to me. I just get selfish and act like a fucking asshole. I’m fucking crazy thinking about you wanting him, but…I deserve this. To feel wretched and rotten. I made you feel this?” I clutched at my chest as her eyes glittered with tears. With a nod, they spilled over.
“Just like this. Worse. Because you indulged in it. You took them home and buried yourself inside them while I was right here. I still wanted you. I’m a fucking idiot. I thought when I got you…you’d realized I was better…” I crossed the distance, her door slamming behind me.
“You are better than them. Better than me. I don’t fucking deserve you. Why do you think I hid what we had? Because you’re too fucking smart not to figure it out.” Gigi shook her head as I cupped her face in my hands.
“You hid what we had because you’re a coward. Because you like to fuck things up. Because it would be real if anyone knew. I can’t…I can’t do this again. I thought we could try again…. doesn’t matter, does it?” I crumpled against her, kissing her desperately.
“Sweet Girl, yes it does. I should have never…I should have done it right and I didn’t. I will next time. This shit…the past few weeks, we weren’t healed. Cage was right. I don’t want you to want someone else…but if you do, I will wait.” Gigi’s eyes went wide as she backed away, hands shoving at me.
“You giving me permission? That what this is? Fuck you, Finn. Since I moved in, this has gotten complicated. Let me clarify. We were fucking. We were never going to get back together. If we were…tonight would not have happened. You might have trusted me more. Might not have tried to hurt me just because your fucking ego was damaged. Go fuck whoever you want. I certainly plan to.”
Gigi lifted her chin in defiance, and fuck, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I loved her so much and this was tearing up all the good parts of me. The ones that were only good because of her. I would keep my promise. I wouldn’t touch another woman. Most certainly not Bree. Since we were clarifying things, it was my turn. I knew I didn't have the right, but I had to get it said.
“Another man fucking touches what’s mine…you won’t like the man I become. Hear me say it again. Want whoever the fuck you want, Sweetheart. Your pleasure belongs to me. Your pretty professor gets you hot during class, you come ride my cock. Let him take you to fancy dinners. Then, come home and let me eat your pussy. Otherwise…” My fingers tightened on her throat but we both knew I’d never hurt her.
Gigi nodded, tears slipping down her temples. I bent to lick them away, then I caught her mouth and kissed her savagely. There was desperation in the kiss that languished on for so long my chest ached for breath. Just when it started to soften, started to be just us, I bit at her lip and she moaned. Then I backed away, swatted at her ass, and slid on a detached smirk.
“Now what…” Gigi seemed to have lost the fire that had her declaring she’d fuck whoever she wanted to.
“I wait. You heal, Sweet Girl. I need to heal too. I…I’m so fucking sorry I ever hurt you. This is the hardest shit I’ve ever dealt with. What I feel about you, Gigi…it won’t ever go away. I know that now. I learned it the hard fucking way, Sweet Girl.” My own tears slid from my eyes.
Gigi pressed close and let me hold her. Then her lips were at my throat, trailing up along my jaw. At my ear, she whispered an apology, and I could feel us both breaking apart. Not just because of the pain we’d caused each other—mostly, I’d caused her--but because we needed to be sure we both wanted the same thing this time. This time, I would do it right.
“Night, Sweetheart.” Gigi watched me go without another word.
Battling myself, I took heavy and slow steps through her door and across the hall. Terrified that I just made a huge fucking mistake. Again. I knew Bree was waiting and thought she was getting what she wanted.
No fucking way. I made a promise to Gigi that my cock was locked up. Truth was, it had been before I made such a promise. Gigi held the key to the beast. To every part of me.
Gigi closed her door, unable to watch me walk away again. I don’t know how I crossed that hallway and left her behind me. How could I let the woman I love figure out if someone else was better for her? When I thought he might, in fact, be better? Because I loved her, I guess I had to.
I slammed my door shut, finding Bree waiting, looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. Bet the bitch thought she was swallowing something else tonight.
Crossing th
e room towards me, she started to unbutton her sweater. I shot her a look, sliced the air at my neck, and growled. Literally growled at her.
“Don’t even think about touching me. Get out.” Bree just smirked and kept on undressing.
“Oh, we both know you want a reason to fuck things up. Seems like I just became that reason, Coops. Don’t even need to fuck me. I’ll suck your cock; Gigi will count it just the same. I can put on a really good show, Coops. Gigi won’t know the difference.” Christ, she was disgusting.
“Once upon a time, I was a whore. Tried to be one anyhow. Being a whore, you deal with whores. I know exactly what you are, Bree. Always did. What you don’t get, though, is me not wanting you has nothing to do with you being a whore. I fucked plenty of whores. I don’t want you because you’re worse than a whore.” Bree laughed, letting her sweater fall, leaving her in a lacy bra and her tiny skirt.
“Please, do enlighten me, Finn. You do know the role. How am I worse? Because I’m a woman?” I let out a curse when she spread her legs, her tiny panties falling to the floor.
“No, because you have no codes. No rules at all. No morals. Even I had some fucking rules. Gigi trusted you once. Newsflash: I think we know that's not the case now. I don’t want you because I want Gigi,” Bree seemed stunned by this, her arms crossing over her front.
“I don’t want you because I care more about Gigi than I could ever care about getting my dick wet in some free pussy. Say whatever you want to her, I don’t care. My woman is good and honest and gives a shit about you, which I can’t fucking fathom. She might believe you now but, when it matters, Gigi will believe the truth. Get the fuck out.” I stormed past her and snatched up her sweater, throwing it in her face. Then I shoved all her shit into her bag and threw that at her too.
Then she was gone. I had no doubt Bree would tell it differently than how it really went down. I turned off the dinner I knew I wouldn’t taste and emptied it into the trash. I could have taken her up on her offer. Let her suck my dick and fill Gigi in on the details later.
