Burn It Down (The Burn Series Book 2)

by Dee Ellis

  Therein lay the irony of my current situation. Two months ago, I had nothing figured out. I just had Finn, and it was good enough for me. Until I felt the betrayal when he couldn’t just say the words. Just tell someone that I mattered, that we mattered.

  Instead, I was heartbroken and certain I could never be enough for him. That he would always be seeking more to fill the emptiness he felt. Now, just when I thought we could figure out what this might be like, it seemed he felt the same way.

  That I would always wonder what if.

  What if I dated that hot professor and let him take me out and see where things went? What would it be like to hold someone else’s hand? To talk and laugh with someone else?

  I knew I could never feel with someone else what I did with Finn--that fire between us that nearly burned us to the ground. I liked the heat, but maybe it didn’t have to be like that to work. Maybe I could want someone pretty, who let me feel something different.

  I think Finn had always been waiting. Waiting for me to try other men out, like he had been doing with his badge bunnies for so long. Now, he could experience just what it was like to watch someone you loved try plenty to feel something for someone else. I had to watch enough.

  Every day that week, I did try. I had lunch with Jordan every day after classes. Sometimes we would even see an art show or walk around the park, just to talk. I did like Jordan. He was sweet and funny, and easy to be around.

  Sometimes he was a little intense, and I knew he wanted more than I could give. When we walked, Jordan reached for my hand; his felt like lead in mine. Every time we parted, he kissed my cheek, but his eyes lingered on my mouth.

  Roses started showing up at my door and I knew it was him. Finn would never send flowers; if he did, they wouldn’t be roses. He knew I hated them. I really was trying. Didn't mean it was working. I tried to feel something that wasn't coming.

  The air was icy when the first snow fell one late Thursday afternoon. It had been nearly two weeks of me trying. Fall was in full swing, but winter was making a show. I was supposed to meet Jordan for a show at the Orpheum, but I lingered in the streets.

  I loved the snow and had been impatient for winter to start. Heavy flakes fell from gray skies when I felt him. I didn’t move, because I didn’t have to; Finn was close enough I felt the brush of his jeans against my backside. That heat burned through me, the heat that was always him. Always us.

  “You love the snow. I thought I might find you enjoying it.” His breath lingered in the air in an icy puff.

  “I do love the snow. Where you looking to find me?” We hadn’t spoken since that night. I missed him more this time with him ten feet away.

  “I’m always looking for you. Avoiding you.” That hurt, and he shoved closer, his beard rough at my ear, “It’s a fuckova lot harder to watch you trying than I thought it would be. I don’t want to see you walking down the street, holding his hand. See that pretty motherfucker wanting you when he kisses your face.” I almost smiled because I kind of liked that he was in pain. It was his turn.

  “Why would you see that? Stalking us?” The us was too much; I felt him flinch, and he shoved away.

  “Us? Is it like that already?” I regretted enjoying his pain seconds ago when he twisted me to face him.

  Finn looked like shit. Dark purple rimmed his eyes, and he had lost weight. His beautiful face was slimmer, and his eyes looked empty. I just wanted to end it right then. To tell him I had done all the trying I needed to.

  Then I thought back to that night; Finn had tried to hurt me because he didn't trust me enough. I wasn’t done letting him hurt too. As sadistic as that sounded.

  “I didn’t mean it…not like that. What have you seen?”

  “Saw him kiss you yesterday. Gigi…if he tastes you, I might fucking die.” I tipped my head back to watch the sky.

  “Hmm, what does Bree taste like? Or the literally hundreds of bunnies I know you tasted? This was you. You thought you knew what I wanted more than I did. I wasn't good enough. Then we weren't good enough. You didn't trust me, even though I fucking earned it. How’s me trying working out for you?” I didn’t look at him, but he moved close, pressing me back against a tree.

  “For shit. I don’t want you to settle with me, Sweetheart. I’m not…you don’t know anything else but me. I fucked up and didn’t wait for you. I wish I had, Gigi. You know how many times I didn’t even fuck them because I had just talked to you or saw you in the hall? Smelled your hair or heard you laugh?” I considered this as I let him bury his face in my neck, breathing deep.

  The porno from that night suddenly gave me hope. How often had Finn done that? Oh, I didn’t get my hopes up and believe his numbers dropped greatly with the possibility.

  Still…it was entirely possible all those times I made cracks about porn star noises it was for a reason. Interesting information. I shuddered in the cold, not because his lips were at my neck, his mouth whispering nonsense.

  “Doesn’t matter. Why did it matter someone else wanted me? I never said I wanted him. Didn't trust me enough, or what we could be enough. Instead, you dove between the first legs that spread. Thought for sure I'd wait while you fucked your feelings away again. What if I don’t? What if you were right, Finn? What if going to shows and talking about books is what it takes to make me want someone else?” His strong arm went vice tight around my waist and he shuddered.

  “Losing you for good might kill me. You deserve everything in the fucking world. Everything he could ever give you. Breaks my fucking heart I can’t be the man to give you that shit.” Finn sounded as if he accepted my words with finality. It scared the shit out of me.

  “Who says I didn’t want everything you could have given me? I don't know, maybe next time, ask me, yeah? This might have been avoided.... if say, you had the balls to say hey, Gigi, do you want me because of me? Because of how I make you feel and what this thing between us is? Yeah? I need to go, I’m late.” My voice was detached, but I wanted to hold onto him. Never let go again.

  “It’s ripping me apart to watch you be happy with someone else. Even just holding his hand and laughing with him. I fucking deserve it, though. I hurt you for so long. Fucking kills me that I was such a coward. I should have made you mine years ago, Gigi.” I rested against his chest, his beard thick and rough against the sensitive skin at my neck.

  “If you could change it, when would you have made me yours?” I needed to know how long he had wanted me. How long we had missed out on this fiery, consuming thing we shared.

  “Your prom night. I wanted to take you away from that dick and fuck you in that pretty green dress. Every girl after, they all looked like you. Not really. Nothing fucking like you because you’re like nothing else. Pale versions of you, Gigi. I wanted you before then, but that night…you just...and your date, he was like a mini me. I knew the way you looked at me, the way we laughed together, that shit I know you feel in the air right now, I knew it all mattered to you too.”

  I moaned when he suddenly cupped my backside in his huge hands, lifting me against him, his mouth sucking at that spot on my neck that made me come alive.

  “It always mattered for me. How could you ignore it for so fucking long?” Finn rocked against me, his cock hard and hot against my belly, snow melting the minute it touched us.

  “I was obsessed with you, Gigi. For years. I watched you go on dates, I watched you try to find something in other people. I thought you would. Even wanted you to. I thought I should too. I’m no fucking good. I fuck everything up. I’m selfish; I want you to never want another fucking soul.” He had me pinned to a thick tree, his hips rocking against mine.

  “I wanted you, you fucking idiot! For half my fucking life, I wanted you, and I wasn’t good enough. Wasn’t enough for you to risk trying for me.” Another moan, longer and louder, when his cock ground against my achy sex.

  “Sweet Girl, I wanted you. I didn’t want to ruin you. Don’t think I didn’t want you, or that it didn’t kill m
e not to have you. The minute I got you, I fucked it up. Why didn’t I just tell your family? Tell the entire fucking world? Because then we were real. Then it wasn’t want and need. It’s having dinner together and folding laundry on Sundays and watching each other brush our teeth. I want that. I didn’t know…I don’t know if that’s enough for you.”

  Finn wouldn’t let me go as we wriggled against each other in the snow, his mouth biting and sucking at my neck, no doubt marking me. For a moment, I allowed it because I needed it. That connection.

  “It would have been enough for me. You were enough for me. You couldn’t tell me when it mattered that I was enough. That me in the mornings for good, was enough. You couldn’t even say me in your bed was enough when it mattered. Now, you get to just decide if you’re enough for me? Well, right fucking now, I want you. I want you to fuck me right here on the street, then tonight, you can make me dinner. That’s what I want. Instead, I have a date with another man so you can figure out if I wanted you enough.” Finn growled as I shoved at his shoulders, breaking away.

  “I will. I will fuck you right here on the street. Leave you full of my come while you go hold hands with him. Then you can come home to me, and I’ll make you dinner and fuck you, even if you smell like him. I’ll make you my dinner and eat your sweet pussy, even if you think about someone else.” It was me growling now, and I shoved again, Finn losing his footing in the snow.

  “No! It’s your turn, Finn. It’s your fucking turn. If you’re hungry for some pussy, Bree can be your fucking meal.” I made it a few steps before he finally broke the charade.

  “I didn’t fuck her. I didn’t even touch her. I don't know what she told you. I threw her out after I told her what a piece of trash she was for wanting to hurt you. I couldn't touch her, Sweetheart. I…I haven’t been inside anyone else but you since your birthday. I was done faking it after that night.” I turned to call him on this, but he was gone by the time I could move.

  My birthday. I stumbled blindly towards my stop on the L. My birthday. I had gotten wasted when I turned 21 back in May. Cage, my sisters, and Finn had taken me out. It was Finn who took me home, though.

  I remember cuddling in his lap in the back of a taxi. Finn took care of me all night. Laid in bed with me and let me tell him how much I wanted him and how miserable I was that he didn’t want me. Finn could have taken advantage, but he hadn’t

  Soon after, he started texting me back more frequently. We talked longer and about shit we never did before. His randoms were less frequent over the summer. The ratings felt like just an excuse for those moments in the hall.

  Finn had been with only me in all that time? It was nearly Thanksgiving. I didn’t want to go on the date almost as badly as I wanted to take Jordan home, just to drive the knife in one last time. So, he knew how badly it truly hurt.

  If I was good enough, if I was all he wanted, why did he wait so long? Why didn’t he tell Cage he wanted me the night we were caught? Why did he give up so easily? Why did he push me away just when I thought we had figured it out? How could he still make me feel like I wasn’t enough?

  “You look gorgeous.” Jordan’s husky voice shook me from my endless questions.

  “Jordan. Can you take me home?” My voice sounded hollow.

  We had just arrived at the theatre, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit here and think about Finn, while pretending I was interested in Jordan’s company. It was fair to zero percent of those of us involved here.

  “Uh…we just got here, Gigi.” I sighed and shoved to my feet, unable to pretend.

  “I just…I’m not in the mood for theatre.” I started to apologize and leave him there, but he was on his feet, holding his elbow out.

  “No worries, Gorgeous. I will see you home. We can have some coffee and talk.” Talk. Coffee. Did I want that? Did I want Jordan to take me home?

  I didn’t know what I wanted, other than wanting to be home. To risk the chance of running into Finn so I could get my answers. Didn’t matter if Jordan took me or I walked. I needed to be home.

  Jordan held my hand as he helped me into his Mini Cooper. I pressed my face against the cool glass, not ready to answer his questions. I had too many of my own. Why couldn’t I just want someone else? Why did Finn have to tell me it had been just me?

  “You doing okay, Gorgeous?” Jordan asked, his hand at my bare knee. I nodded and covered his hand, then gently moved it towards the console.

  “Yeah. Sorry, Jordan. I just…” I had no reasons for my change of heart; not ones that wouldn’t bring more questions.

  Jordan had been sweet and mostly patient while I tried. Barely tried, but still tried. I knew he wanted more than lunch dates and walks in the park. Tonight was my first attempt at something that resembled a real date. Without meaning to, Finn had wrecked it.

  Then again, maybe he had meant to. Maybe Finn could sense me finally trying and couldn’t stand the idea. As fucked up as it sounds, that pleased me. I wanted him to have questions too.

  Finn should wonder what I was doing with Jordan. If I was kissing his pretty mouth, or letting him slip his fingers between my legs. Like I had been forced to wonder just what he was doing with the randoms he paraded right in front of me.

  Was he fucking them? Or just letting them taste his huge cock? My thighs clenched as I thought about the last time I’d tasted him myself. Then I thought about how many women had gotten the same treat.

  It was wrong and petty, but I wanted Finn to watch me bring a man home. See how that twist of a knife felt in his heart. I knew it well. Coffee with the pretty motherfucker it was.

  It was a bad idea. I knew it the minute we stepped onto the stairs leading up to my place. I could feel Finn was home. I had wanted that, right? Wanted to parade my pretty motherfucker in front of him.

  Instead, I went cold because I heard him too. Heard him talking with someone; and the voice that answered was one I knew well. Bree. I seethed with rage and moved faster up the stairs, Jordan rushing after me.

  “…a date with that pretty motherfucker. Doesn’t change shit, Bree. That fucker could be on his knees begging for her pussy, I don’t care. Gigi is my woman. You need some lessons in girl code. Throwing your pussy at your girl’s man is breaking every one of them.” I slowed my pace, Jordan crashing into me.

  “Finn. You want to fuck up. Because that’s what you do. My pussy is waiting for your cock to do what you do. Fuck me up too. Gigi is sweet, and we both love her. Sweet as sugar is all Gigi will ever be. Think you need hotter than melting sugar.” I was literally going to kill the bitch, if Finn didn’t do it first.

  “Gigi is hotter than you can imagine, Bree. I might fight it up, that is what I do. Get this straight--I. Belong. To. Gigi. My cock does what it does to her honey sweet pussy and no one else’s. Do me a favor. Stay the fuck away from my woman if all you want to do is hurt her. I’ll fucking end you before I let you hurt her more than I already did with my bullshit. Stay away from my woman.” Bree started to coo and plead as I reached the hallway.

  I didn’t need to show Jordan off anymore, but it was too late. Finn saw him before I could send him away. Or tell him I had heard every word and that we had both tried to fuck this up plenty.

  I’d done damage too. I had let him back in but not really. I let him fuck me without promises. Without telling him how much I loved him. Had loved him. Would always love him. Instead, I let him make fucking this up too easy and I never fought for us.

  As I watched, Finn crumbled right in front of my eyes. The fiery burn in his beautiful eyes dimmed when he saw Jordan. Watched me leading him towards my place. Pain replaced the heat from his exchange with Bree. Bree gaped at us as the world slowed down.

  Before I could say a word, Finn yanked Bree inside his place and shoved her behind him. I knew he did it out of pain. I knew we would dance around the truth tonight.

  Not tomorrow, and not again after. Lies were doing nothing but burning us both up. Consuming and engulfing what could be so b
eautiful. Jordan started to greet Bree, but Finn cut him off.

  “Remember who has your keys, Gigi.” Then he slammed the door in my face.

  Ten minutes later, I was making coffee with shaking hands. A stupid grin was on my face because I heard Finn’s door slam shut seconds after I let Jordan and me into my place.

  I tracked Bree once again; on the L headed downtown. Jordan was quiet, and I knew he sensed something was up. I didn’t care. All I owed him was some coffee and once I was ready, the truth. That I had tried him on and he didn’t fit.

  “I thought, maybe,” Jordan grumbled when I saw him out another ten minutes later, “we might talk a little longer. Gigi, you seem kind of all over the place.” Jordan glanced over his shoulder at the door behind him.

  “I kind of was. I’m not now. It’s complicated. Except, it’s not really. Really, it’s totally fucking simple just, but we made it really complicated. It’s what we do. Good night, Jordan. Thank you for a lovely evening.” It had been a disaster, but I didn’t care about that either.

  In bed, I was still smiling because I had located Finn too. Twenty feet away, in his bed alone. Because I held his fucking keys, too.

  9

  I listened to be sure when my woman sent her date home. I knew she didn’t bring him back to her place to let him have her. Just to torture me. Which it fucking did.

  I totally deserved it, especially when she found Bree at my doorstep. The girl was basically begging to ride my cock. Just to hurt Gigi. Once we figured us out, Bree was out of the picture; I wouldn't let her hurt Gigi again.

  Lying in bed, I thought about our talk in the snow. Gigi loved the snow. I never did, until a few years ago, when I watched her tip her face back and welcome it. Her tongue out to catch flakes on the tip.

  Fuck, not only was it the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, I had to jerk off in her parents’ bathroom to get my cock to go down. Tonight had been just as beautiful. I was a mess because I had basically been stalking her for two weeks.