Seduction and Snacks (Chocolate Lovers #1)

by Tara Sivec

  Why the fuck was everyone still standing in this kitchen?

  "I brought you a sample of my new edible lotion. It's funnel cake flavor. I figured you and Carter-boy could spice it up by playing dirty carnie and innocent fair-goer," Liz said as she tossed the bottle of lotion on the counter. "Looks like I should have brought you a drop cloth instead."

  "I'm guessing you and Jim already tested out the funnel cake lotion, right? Did you pretend to be the slutty clown car with millions of midgets flocking out of your vagina?" Claire said sarcastically.

  "This is the Butler Broadcasting System, coming to you live from the kitchen of the snacks side of "Seduction and Snacks," the new business opening tomorrow, right in the heart of Butler."

  A woman in a business suit suddenly walked through the door with a microphone in her hand and a man with a camera followed behind her. The giant spotlight on top of the camera blinded us and everyone started yelling, but not before we heard the words, "Coming to you live..."

  This is a dream. It has to be a fucking dream.

  The perfectly coiffed woman with the bouffant hair stopped in her tracks when she saw my chocolate covered ass. Her shout of, "Holy fuck," was now being broadcast into several thousand Butler living rooms.

  Thankfully, the camera man took in the scene in front of him and reacted faster than she did. He whipped around, smacking his camera into Jim's head before stumbling backwards, slipping through the spilled, melted chocolate and crashing down on the floor on his back.

  ***

  "Son of a bitch that hurt," Jim could be heard shouting off-camera as the view on the television suddenly flew to a shot of the ceiling and a loud "ooomf" came through the speakers, signifying the point in the broadcast when the camera man landed on his ass.

  Liz fell off the couch, landing on her side in a fit of giggles. Jim managed to stay on the couch but bent over at the waist, holding on to his stomach as he laughed right along with her.

  All Claire and I could do was stare in shock at the replay of tonight's broadcast that Liz managed to catch on her DVR. After the kitchen debacle and plenty of apologies from the staff of BBS for deciding a surprise interview would be fun, we came back to Liz and Jim's house to clean up and see if by some miracle there was a cable outage in the area.

  No such luck.

  "Ooooh, here comes my part!" Drew said excitedly as he jumped up from his spot on the floor and reached over to turn up the volume on the television.

  Drew's face suddenly came into the shot as he bent over the downed camera man, the view of the shop's kitchen ceiling behind his head.

  "Stop by Seduction and Snacks for the grand opening tomorrow and try some of Claire's boobs. They're delicious!" he said with a smile as he bit off one of the chocolate boobs he held in his hand.

  The camera turned to the side where the stunned TV anchor stood with Liz and Jenny, waving frantically into the camera behind her and Jim off to the side rubbing his head and muttering, "Fuck that hurt."

  "B-b-back to you in the studio, Sam," she stuttered as she stared wide eyed into the camera without blinking.

  The shot went back to the studio where they immediately began talking about the weather.

  "Well, the good news is the camera man managed to avoid showing Butler that you guys were taste testing the chocolate with your penis and vagina," Liz said from her spot on the floor.

  "If that's the good news, what the hell is the bad news?" Claire asked.

  "Well, Drew is now the face of Seduction and Snacks," Liz laughed.

  We all glanced over at Drew as he picked lint off of the front of his shirt that had been the main focus of the camera shot.

  I guess there were worse things Seduction and Snacks could be famous for than a tee shirt that read, "Have you seen Mike Hunt?"

  21. Itchy Feet and Fading Smiles

  Surprisingly the airing of our dirty laundry, or should I say dirty kitchen and mouths, didn't deter anyone from stopping by the grand opening of Seduction and Snacks today. But if one more person asks me if Mr. Hunt is available, I'm going to punch them in the kidney.

  Carter, Gavin, Liz, Jim and I all arrived at the shop a few hours before we opened to finish last-minute details and set everything up. Thankfully, today's opening didn't require the chocolate boobs and penises. Drew ate all the ones that weren't stuck to my ass last night. Come to think of it, he may have eaten those as well. I remembered him saying something about a "Five Second Ass Rule", not to be confused with the original "Five Second Rule" for when you drop food on the floor. I tuned him out when he told Carter, "Her ass better be so clean you can see your face in it!"

  Much to our shock, there was a line of people on the sidewalk waiting for us to open.

  Was this really my life right now? How did I get to this point? A few months ago I was a single mother with no social life or romantic prospects anywhere in my future, and I was stuck at a dead-end job at a bar. Now, I was opening a business, doing what I loved every single day, and found the love of my life who was the best father in the world to our son.

  Oh, and my vagina was getting regular work-outs on an almost-daily basis. Couldn't forget that tidbit since it was probably the most important. I thought if my vagina had to wait any longer for some action, she would have just got up and walked out of my underwear to find another pair of legs to sit between. I would have turned into a fake woman. If you spread my legs, I'd look like Barbie with her plastic who-ha that had no hole. At least Ken wasn't missing out on sticking it to her. Poor guy just had a pair of tighty-whities with no bulge. That's probably why when I was younger I always made them dry hump. There wasn't much else they could do, really.

  The store had been open for two hours and it had yet to be empty. Liz and I kept the adjoining door to our places open so people could file back and forth. I was a little leery about how the good people of Butler would take to having a sex toy shop downtown, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out how many dirty people lived here. Liz was going to resurrect the sex lives of everyone in this town one dildo at a time.

  She kept the front of her store to the bare minimum, mostly lingerie, lubes, massage lotions, candles and other things that were PG rated and wouldn't freak anyone out that walked by. She kept catalogs on the counter with pictures of all the other items that were located in the back of the store. You could simply point to what you wanted and she'd go in the back and get it for you, wrapping it in a small black bag so no one would know what you got.

  My dad took in Liz's side of the store with as much enthusiasm as I expected him to. He walked through the adjoining doors and stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of a rack of garters and corsets. He took a look around and proclaimed joyously, "Humph," then walked back over to my side.

  Gavin was the life of the store, naturally. He walked around handing out samples with the motto, "One for you, six for me." He was so hopped up on sugar by twelve o'clock, I was going to have to scrape him off of the ceiling by the end of the day.

  I stood at the cash register ringing up a customer's cookie order when I noticed Carter talking to a guy by the front window. He was holding a small boy in his arms and Carter was laughing at something the guy said. He had his back to me so I had no idea who it was but something about him was familiar. I thanked the customer, gave her a flyer and headed over to Carter.

  Carter noticed me walking towards him and smiled.

  "There's my girl," he said as he lifted his arm so I could ease into his side.

  The guy turned at Carter's words and when we saw each other, I wasn't sure who had the more shocked expression on their face.

  "Oh my God, Max?"

  "Claire?" he answered, equally surprised.

  Carter looked between the two of us, obviously puzzled.

  "Wait, you two know each other?" he asked.

  "Um, yes. But more importantly, how do you know him?" I asked.

  This was so awkward right now I kind of wished a meteor would crash out in the street. I ne
eded total chaos right now to distract everyone from this insane situation.

  "I met Max at the library when I took Gavin that one afternoon so you could work, remember? He gave me some tips on the joys of fatherhood," Carter laughed.

  Max hadn't taken his eyes off me during the exchange and I laughed nervously. I didn't see this ending well. At all.

  "So, anyway, how do you two know each other?" Carter asked again.

  I looked at him and tried to convey with my eyes that this was about to get really weird really fast. Carter didn't get the hint and just stared at me expectantly.

  "Hello, earth to Claire," Carter said with a laugh. "What's wrong with your face?"

  I sighed, figuring I might as well get this over with.

  "Carter, this is Max," I said, with a raise of my eyebrows, hoping he would get it.

  He just laughed and shook his head.

  "Yeah. We've already established that. Are you okay?" he asked as he leaned towards me.

  "Carter. This. Is. MAX," I said again, punctuating Max's name with a big, fake smile.

  Carter looked at me like I was insane for all of three point two more seconds when the light bulb finally went off in his brain. Really, how many fucking Max's did he know? It wasn't like the guy's name was John or Mike and he might have just assumed it was someone else. His name was Max for fuck's sake. As soon as he met him, shouldn't a red flag have gone off in his head?

  It was certainly going off now. Carter's head jerked back and forth between Max and me so quickly it almost looked like he was shaking his head no. Maybe he was. His brain might just be on overload right now and it was screaming, "Nooooooooooo! Does not compute!"

  "You're Max?" he asked.

  Max just nodded, finally looking away from me and at his son squirming in his arms.

  "You're Max," he stated.

  I laughed uncomfortably. "I think we've covered that already, hon," I said through a smile and clenched teeth.

  Let the insanity commence.

  Carter started chuckling.

  I closed my eyes, not wanting to witness what surely was going to follow. Why had I ever though it was necessary to share every detail of this story? Why?

  "Two pumps!" Carter said excitedly, followed by more laughing.

  Max just stood there with a befuddled look on his face.

  Then Carter raised his arm and pointed at him, still laughing, I might add.

  "You're the chump!"

  "Oh Jesus," I muttered.

  "What?" Max asked.

  Carter was smiling like nut job.

  "Nothing," I told Max. "Don't mind him."

  "Where's her underwear?" Carter asked, suddenly serious.

  Max's son started kicking his little legs around in an attempt to get down. He hefted him up higher in his arms and gave me a smile.

  "Well, I better get going. It was good seeing you again, Claire. Good luck with the store," he said as he moved to the door and used his back to push it open.

  "Could you say that TWO more times," Carter laughed.

  I smacked his arm as Max lifted his hand in a wave.

  Carter waved good-bye to him, shaking his hand in the air frantically like he was a little kid watching a parade.

  "Come back again!" Carter shouted as Max got out the door and onto the sidewalk. "Claire likes it when people stay more than TWO seconds."

  Max finally disappeared out of sight and Carter turned to face me, a lingering smile still on his face.

  "What?" he asked when he saw the look on mine.

  "When you're ready to start acting like an adult, let me know," I told him.

  "Adults are the little ones, right?" he shouted to me as I walked away.

  I shook my head as I made my way to the counter. Just then my dad walked back over from Liz's side with a black bag clutched firmly in his hand.

  Oh sweet Jesus, my brain couldn't handle anymore crazy today. .

  We stopped in front of each other and he tried to hide the bag behind his back.

  "Dad, did you just buy something from Liz's store?" I asked bewilderingly.

  What in the fuck of fuckery would he need from over there? WHAT? Oh God, where's Jim? I need his eye bleach.

  "Well, I've got a date tonight," he stated matter-of-factly.

  "So take her some chocolates! Or a box of cookies. I'm pretty sure what's in that store isn't first-date material," I said in a panic.

  There could be flavored lube in that bag right now. Or a cock ring. Or a strap on. Oh sweet mother fucking Jesus, what if’s been so long since my dad has been with a woman that he bat for the other team now? Nothing against gay men. I love gay men. I had a gay friend in college that I wish I still kept in contact with. He liked to show me the awesome gaydar he possessed by pointing out every gay man within a two mile radius. What would he say if he was here right now? "Oh, Claire, that man is gayer than Richard Simmons sweatin' to the oldies on a rainbow."

  When I took Gavin to the library last week there was a book called "Daddy's Roommate" in the children's section. Should I go back and get that book? Maybe I should buy a copy for future reference. There was also a book called "I Wish Daddy Didn't Drink So Much" and "It Hurts When I Poop."

  What the fuck has happened to children's literature since I was little?

  I knew no matter what, I would love my father. That was a fact. To quote my favorite movie, "I love my dead, gay son!"

  Well, I love my dead, gay father. Er, I mean my gay father.

  I need a drink.

  "Never fear, Mr. Hunt is here!" Drew proclaimed as he walked through the door holding Jenny's hand. My dad raised his eyebrow at Drew's shirt that read, "Jam out with your clam out."

  "Hey there, Mr. M, how's it hanging?" he asked as he walked over and shook my dad's hand.

  It's hanging a little to the left of Perez Hilton Avenue.

  "Oooooh, look at you already sampling the merchandise," Drew said, patting my dad on the back in a congratulatory way as he smiled at the black bag still tightly clutched in his hands.

  "Claire, the store looks great!" Jenny told me as she gave me a quick hug.

  "Thanks, my dad has a roommate," I blurted.

  All three of them looked at me in silence.

  "Mommy, can I have another cookie?" Gavin asked, running up to me and slamming into my leg.

  "No, no more cookies. You already had a chocolate chip cookie. Obviously it wasn't enough for you and now you want to try a different one. I bet you want to try a peanut butter cookie which is the exact opposite. Peanut butter cookies are on a different team than chocolate chip cookies. I guess chocolate chip cookies just don't satisfy you anymore do they? One day you just woke up and decided you wanted to eat a completely different cookie from the one you've always liked since you were born. You can't just decide at your age that you want a different cookie. It doesn't work that way. You pick a cookie and you stick with it!"

  Gavin looked up at me in confusion. His poor four-year-old brain was probably going to explode.

  "Fine, can I have a chocolate sucker then?" he asked innocently.

  I was well aware that no one was moving and they were all standing there looking at me like I was having a nervous breakdown. Maybe I was. I had a gay father; I was allowed to freak out.

  "Hey, Mom, guess what? Last night Papa was kissing somebody," Gavin said with a smile.

  Oh God, here it comes. Who was it? Bill from the hardware store? Tom from the corner coffee shop? Who would be my new step-father-in-law-uncle-friend?

  "Gavin, that was supposed to be a secret," my dad laughed uncomfortably.

  Ha, ha, what a funny story. My dad and Gavin had a secret. Isn't that cute? Isn't that fucking cute? I like how my son isn't at all fazed to see two men kissing. It shows great promise for the future of this country. However, I don't like that he isn't at all fazed that he saw his grandpa sucking face with a dude!

  "Oh, ha, ha, a secret!" I laughed hysterically. "I guess the cat is out of the bag huh, Dad? Or
should I say, out of the closet? Whew, is it hot in here?" I rambled, fanning my face with my hand.

  Carter walked over then, leaving his station at the front door greeting customers. He must have seen my crazy eyes from across the store and knew I was seriously freaking out. Worse than that one time I ate a pot cookie in high school and then watched The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall", when everyone knows you’re supposed to listen to “The Dark Side of the Moon” and started crying because Toto was looking at me funny and when he barked it came out as, "Hey you, standing in the aisles with itchy feet and fading smiles, can you hear me?" and I could totally hear him and my feet started to itch. I cried for three hours telling everyone the cookie was evil and would kill me in my sleep.

  Don't do drugs.

  "Claire, you okay?" Carter asked, picking Gavin up into his arms to stand next to me.

  "I'm super! I've never been better! This is the best day of my whole life!" I said with a big smile. "We should all go out back and smoke some pot."

  What the hell was I spewing out of my mouth?

  "George, you forgot your receipt," Liz said as she walked over from her side with a slip of paper in her hand.

  "Sue is going to love that nightgown, I'm telling you. The silk is so soft and that peach color is going to look awesome with her skin tone," Liz said, coming up next to my dad and handing him the receipt.

  Wait, what? Sue? There was a guy named Sue in Butler? Shouldn't I know this?

  My dad actually blushed and quickly glanced at me.

  "Uh, yeah. Thanks, Liz. I'm sure she'll love it."

  She! Sue's a she. She's a Sue-she.

  "She's a she!" I proclaimed.

  Carter's arm that wasn't supporting Gavin wrapped around my waist to hold me up. I was sure he figured any minute now I was going to crack up permanently, probably even fall face-first onto the floor without putting my hands out to stop me like some of those idiots on Tosh.0.

  I could hear Tosh's voice in my head, "Okay, let's watch that one again in slow motion. Now watch as she just falls forward, never putting her arms out and then BAM! Face plant! Wow, that's gotta hurt!"