Perfect Chaos

by Nashoda Rose

  “What did he do to you, Georgie?” His words were coarse as if he had trouble getting them out.

  I told him about Robbie, the words coming out as if I was reading them from a book. It was the only way I could speak. I felt the tension in him, the stillness. He continued to soothe me, but it wasn’t me who needed soothing anymore. I knew without looking at him every word I spoke made him angrier than I’d ever known him to be.

  “When did it stop?” His voice was barely controlled, a chord of tones strung so tightly it could snap any second.

  “He was arrested for selling drugs at school. I never saw him again.” When the police pulled up to the school with their lights flashing outside the window, I knew. I knew Robbie was leaving and ten minutes later, I saw him handcuffed and being led out to the car. I knew who had called the police on him and I knew Robbie would have hard drugs in his locker as proof because I put them there. It was enough to be considered a dealer.

  The police car drove away and it was as if the door to a trap had opened and I was set free. I put my head on my desk and sobbed so hard the teacher ended up taking me to the infirmary and called my parents. My mom came and picked me up, but I told her I was crying because of my period pains. She believed me, and why wouldn’t she? I was always their little princess.

  After that day, I could breathe again. For months, I’d been afraid. Terrified to speak to anyone, to run, to not run. To do anything except suffer. I’d never take the risk of anyone I loved dying—never.

  “Do your parents know?”

  I shook my head. “No. I never told them.”

  He had been the one to call the police. He was also the one who gave me the drugs to plant in Robbie’s locker. He told me going after Robbie for what he did to me and to other girls would mean going to court. It would be a long, drawn-out battle and I’d have to tell everyone what happened to me. Plus, there was always the possibility they wouldn’t have enough proof and he’d walk. So, Robbie went to jail for drugs and I was finally free of him. That was all I cared about at the time.

  “Why? Why didn’t you tell them? Jesus, you could’ve called my unit. Someone would’ve got hold of me.” He turned over onto his back but took me with him, flipping me over so I was half on top of him. His arm was still around me preventing any escape, and his other was over his eyes.

  “He threatened my mom, said he’d cut out her throat if I ever said anything. I was sixteen, Deck … I believed him. It started only a week after Connor died and I was vulnerable, depressed and I felt … alone.” My cheek rested on the tribal ink drawn into his chest. “And scared.” Deck squeezed me.

  “I would’ve killed him.” And that was the issue. I knew that. Even at sixteen, I knew Deck and Connor—if he’d been alive—would’ve killed Robbie and ended up in jail themselves. It wasn’t something I was willing to risk even if I had considered trying to get hold of Deck.

  I nodded and my cheek rubbed on his chest.

  “Where is he now?”

  “I don’t know.” I didn’t. He’d been looking for Robbie ever since he left prison.

  I felt his body stiffen. “I’ll find him.”

  I sat upright, putting my hands on his chest. “Deck, no. You don’t understand—”

  His brows lowered over his darkened eyes. “Oh, I fuckin’ understand. Some guy tortured you for months when you were sixteen. A fuckin’ disgusting lowlife who doesn’t deserve to breathe air.” He threw his legs over the side of the bed and reached for his cell.

  “Damn it, no.” I leapt on him and knocked the phone from his hands, causing it to slide across the floor. “You can’t.”

  “What the fuck, Georgie? You expect me to hear about some fucker who tortures you for months then sit back and do nothing? No fuckin’ way in hell.”

  He went to get up and I grabbed his arm with both hands. He ignored me and kept walking, and I scrambled after him. Years of lying, deception, doing things I didn’t want to do, all of it was slipping away. All I could think about was Deck being killed because of this. If he started digging …

  “Deck. I need to do this.”

  He was halfway leaned over to pick up his phone when he froze and straightened while looking at me still holding his arm. “Do what?”

  My hands slowly slipped from him and it felt as if I was being suffocated by my own breath. Would he understand? Would he walk away and never see me again? I couldn’t bear to think of it.

  I thought of the only thing which came to mind and it was the truth, just an omission of a few things. “I have someone looking for him. Please, Deck. I don’t want you involved.”

  His eyes widened with surprise and shock. Why wouldn’t he be? Deck had no idea we’d been searching for Robbie for years. That I was Chaos and did … assignments for him.

  “Stay right there.” Deck snatched up his phone and started walking from the room, the phone to his ear. “Tyler,” he snarled.

  I was unravelling. Every part of me was being splayed out in front of the one man I’d loved all my life and I felt—gutted. I felt weak and vulnerable and he was taking my power away.

  “Damn it, I waited for you to come back,” I shouted. “To see your car pull up to the curb, to be waiting there in the morning when I looked out the window. But you weren’t. You never came.” I took a deep breath and tried to steady my voice for the blow. And it would be a huge blow to Deck, but he was going after Robbie and would soon find out everything. I couldn’t let him go in blind. He’d be killed. I had to tell him. “But Kai did.”

  He stopped. The phone lowered and I heard Tyler yelling on the other end. He kicked the bedroom door closed, then slowly turned. For a second, I saw the shock, eyes wide and mouth dropped open, and then it changed completely. His eyes darkened and narrowed—unyielding, and mixed in was a sneer of disgust. There was no sexy anywhere in him because his intimidating stare overrode the sexy.

  “Kai?”

  I swallowed then nodded, but I really felt like denying it and then running for the door.

  “You fucking him, Georgie?” With the way his hands were clenching and unclenching, his jaw tight and his eyes hard … Deck was holding on by a thread.

  I shook my head. “No. It’s not like that.”

  “So, it’s like something? With Kai? The unstable fucker who was at an auction buying sex slaves? Who doesn’t have a fuckin’ history? Who no one trusts? Who handles a knife like it’s part of his hand. Whose morals border on—” He stopped abruptly, his eyes glaring into me so fiercely I looked away. A deep, resonating growl emerged from his throat. He tossed his phone on the dresser and I jumped when it made a loud clang. “Tell me he didn’t put those cuts on you.”

  Shit.

  “Tell me,” he shouted. This was Deck out of control. The Deck I never wanted to know. The Deck I didn’t think anyone wanted to encounter—every muscle tense, hands clenched into fists, jaw hard and determined with the heat of fury pulsating off him.

  “I can’t,” I whispered.

  Deck nodded and it wasn’t the reaction I expected. I actually no longer knew what to expect. This was unpredictable Deck. He walked over to his dresser, opened the drawer and pulled out a knife and then a gun. I heard the clicking and snapping as he checked the gun then slid it in the back of his pants.

  “Deck?” He ignored me, grabbed his cell and put it in his pocket then headed for the door. “Deck. What are you doing?”

  “What the fuck do you think I’m doing, Georgie? Stay here. You leave my place, you won’t like what happens.” He yanked open the door and strode out.

  I ran after him. “Deck, I asked him to. I asked Kai to do it. Please, I know it sounds screwed up and it is, but please, don’t go after him. Please.”

  He stopped and turned to face me. “You fuckin’ asked him to? Jesus. Why the fuckin’ hell would you do that? Why, damn it?”

  I looked at my feet as I said, “It made the pain go away.”

  “No, it fuckin’ didn’t. It kept it alive. He kept
it alive and made you relive it.” He strode toward me, grabbing my arms. “Look at me.”

  I did because I just wanted Deck to give me something to hold onto because he was right. I was holding onto what happened to me so I’d never forget it. To release all the emotions I had built up in me for that one day.

  “I lost you a long fuckin’ time ago.” His fingers tightened and he stared at me for several seconds before saying quietly, “Come back to me, Georgie.”

  My breath hitched.

  His eyes softened. “Baby, come back to me. Stop pretending. Stop hiding. Trust me.”

  I wished I could, but nothing in my life was simple since Connor died. If he went after Kai … “Please, don’t go after Kai.”

  He snorted and abruptly shoved me away from him. “Why? Because you love him? You can’t bear to see him hurt? Well, don’t worry; I’m not going to hurt him, Georgie. I’m going to fuckin’ kill him.”

  “No!” I yelled as he opened the door to his penthouse. I ran after him and slammed into his chest as he hit the elevator button. “No. He’ll kill you, Deck.”

  The elevator dinged and the doors opened.

  He shoved me aside and walked into the elevator.

  AS SOON As the elevator doors closed, I ran back into loft and searched through the bag Tyler dropped off for me. I felt the familiar, hard plastic at the bottom and yanked out my phone. Three missed calls. One Emily, one Kat and one unknown.

  Shit. Unknown—Kai. I pressed in the code to get through to his number and dialed.

  Please answer. Please.

  “A tad dramatic, wasn’t it? Might want to curb the drinking for real, Chaos. I would prefer if you lived.”

  I didn’t have time to word-play with him. “He knows.”

  Silence.

  It sounded like he was opening a door and then the whoosh of traffic. “Knows what, Chaos?”

  “About Robbie and then …” Shit, Kai always said he’d end me then kill Deck if I ever told Deck what I was doing. Not sure what ‘end’ meant, but with Kai it could mean kill, torture, emotionally destroy or put me in a space ship and send me up into the universe. I didn’t care. He could do whatever he wanted to me as long as he left Deck alive.

  “Then?”

  He was calm, but the charm I often heard in his voice disappeared.

  “He saw me at the hospital, Kai. He saw the chart. The cuts.”

  “And you gave him a plausible explanation.”

  “God, Kai … Deck isn’t fuckin’ stupid. The only reason I’ve gotten away with this is because he’s been thinking I’m an irresponsible drunk. Now he knows I’m not.”

  “And how did he discover that little tidbit, Chaos?”

  “You figure it out, asshole. I’m staying with him. I don’t have a single withdrawal symptom.” I held the phone between my ear and my shoulder and pulled on my sweatshirt. “Kai, he’s coming after you.”

  “You really fucked things up, didn’t you, Chaos?” I heard Kai shuffling something around and then a car door slammed and the wind whistled through the phone. “I told you what happens if he finds out.”

  I stood frozen in place, tears pooling in my eyes. “Please, Kai. Don’t. I’ll do anything. Please don’t kill him. It isn’t his fault; it’s mine. Do what you need to me, but not him. Please, not Deck.” I took a deep breath, attempting to get my shit together, my insides balled up like tangled wire.

  Kai chuckled and I always hated when he did that. It was as if nothing ever concerned him even when I was begging for a life. Even after I tell him Deck, an ex-JTF2, the most elite task force in the world, was coming after him—he laughs? “I’m hurt, Chaos. Where is your concern for me?”

  I threw on my jogging pants, grabbed my wallet and ran for the door. “Don’t be a dick. Does he know where you are? You must keep tabs on him, a GPS maybe?”

  “You think very highly of me. But no, I don’t have tabs on him. I have tabs on you and whenever Deck is in town, he is with you. So, it’s pretty easy to know where he is.” Not really true. Well, sort of true. I stayed here usually whenever he had dragged me out of some bar or party, and we had the same friends, so he was often with me if he was around.

  When he was in town, he always came to my Sunday brunch, but none of his men ever did. I knew Kai had a tracking device in my phone, car and I suspected other places. Ended up being really useful the day the scumbag sex-trader Alfonzo had kidnapped me, Emily, and the girl London. If Kai hadn’t been able to convince Alfonzo to meet the guy responsible for transporting girls, Kai still would’ve known where we were.

  I stopped bitching about it after that day. So, I’d lived with two dangerous men who kept tabs on me … you’d think I’d feel safe. Yeah, well, nothing about Kai was safe.

  I slammed the door of the loft and pressed the elevator.

  “Chaos, calm down.” I was breathing hard in the phone. “Think about what you’re doing.” The elevator dinged and the doors opened. “Chaos, sit the fuck down. Now. Do not get in that elevator.”

  I watched the doors close again and then I slowly slid down the wall of the hallway until my butt hit the floor. I bent my legs and dropped my head between them while I took long, deep breaths trying to get control of the panic.

  I was never so freaked out as I was at this moment. But when it came to Deck, the thought of losing him, it was like a light switch went on and all my emotions went haywire. Kai’s voice cut into me. “Remember everything I taught you, Chaos. You need to find that now.” He kept his voice low and soothing, rhythmic. “Nothing gets done if you panic. You know this.”

  I didn’t know what I was doing. I had no idea where Deck went, and I was chasing him. It didn’t make sense. I wasn’t making sense. What the hell was I doing? “Don’t hurt him,” I said quietly. “Don’t hurt him.”

  “Go back inside and wait for him.”

  My breath caught in my throat. “You said you’d kill him if he ever knew.”

  “Yes. And that was the truth, but things have changed slightly. I’ll come by tomorrow and we can have a chat.”

  My grip on the phone tightened. “What? Are you crazy?” Yeah, Kai was a little crazy.

  Kai sighed. “I’d rather be the hunter than the trapped prey, my dear.”

  “He’s going to kill you. Jesus, you’re going to kill him.”

  He laughed. “Chaos, you have quite the imagination. Firstly, Deck won’t kill me and secondly, I won’t kill him—yet. Besides, I like you, Chaos. I’m thinking if I killed him, you’d probably try and kill me. And I really don’t want to have to kill you.”

  Then the phone went dead.

  I sat outside the elevator for a long time. Every time I heard it ding on other floors, I’d look up, my heart racing. Hoping he was back, praying he didn’t do anything reckless. But Deck was never reckless—until I saw him tonight. His face, it was like I’d stabbed him in the stomach with a dull blade and then slowly turned it. His shock. His disbelief.

  In one sentence, I blew up everything he thought about me. I told him another man cut me and I’d asked him to do it. God, the look on his face. Surprise and rage burned like an erupted volcano in his eyes. I deserved his hate. His disgust. Fuck, I was disgusted with myself.

  It was just after midnight when the elevator doors opened and Deck stepped out. I was half-asleep, my neck sore from tilting back against the wall. I jerked upright and then scrambled to my feet.

  “Deck.” He looked perfectly contained: clothes neat and tidy, face tight but that was usual. He had a Band-Aid on his arm but the rest of him … no blood. He had all his limbs and he was standing.

  I felt the familiar butterflies fluttering in my stomach at the sight of him. No matter what shit had gone down between us, whenever I set my eyes on him … it was the same feeling.

  The only real man worth having and yet … it was his eyes which stabbed each butterfly and had them falling dead in the pit of my stomach. Then his gaze flicked over me dismissively like I was an ornament he didn�
�t like in his foyer.

  He strode past and opened his door, leaving it ajar. That was a good sign; at least he wasn’t locking me out. I followed him in then clicked the door shut behind me and leaned against it.

  He ignored me for several minutes as he helped himself to a bottle of water from the fridge, chugged it back then left the empty container on the counter. That was unlike Deck; he always kept order. His home was spotless and he put everything in its place.

  He walked over to the window and stood quiet and still, staring out at the darkened sky. I waited, knowing he might kick me out any second, never wanting to see me again. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about it, wondering how I could make this all go away. But whatever he decided, I deserved it. I deserved his hate. I just had to make sure he stayed safe.

  His voice was rough and hard as he said, “Take off your shirt, Georgie.”

  “What?” What the hell? A million thoughts raced through my brain as I tried to think of where he was going with this. Did he want to see the cuts? See what Kai had done?

  He slowly turned and looked at me. “Take. Off. Your. Shirt.”

  My eyes felt like they’d been zapped as they widened with surprise. There was that distinct wave of heated bliss charging through me like soldiers attacking their enemy with torches.

  He walked toward me. I considered running, but I’d do anything Deck wanted right now. I was turned on and terrified at the same time. My hand on the doorknob twisted.

  He kept coming until he was inches away and when he took a breath, I could feel his shirt touch mine. He leaned into me, hands resting on the door above my head, trapping me. “Do you ever listen to instructions?”

  I trembled because I was thinking about him kissing me when I should have been thinking about what he was doing.